#ihaveleft

[ichosefury]

when i lived with you and struggled with school and friends, you never cared.

when i lived with you and struggled to find work, you never cared.

when i moved out, you didn’t seem to care. you seemed relieved, actually.

in the last year i’ve been gone, you’ve called me only once, to ask if a had a working monitor to spare. no ‘happy birthdays’, no ‘hows college’, not even the usual complaining about things that are, in fact, your own fault.

you have never even pretended to care. about me, about mom. all you’ve cared about is yourself and what you want at any given moment. 

mom is finally filing for divorce and i’m disowning you, and you claim we’re ungrateful and unfaithful abandoners. but this is what you’ve always wanted, right? to be alone, to do what you want to do though you always did just that without ‘having to’ set us straight just because you can. 

so why are you suddenly so upset?

you’re the one who should be grateful to mom, since she’s willing to keep helping to pay for your living. personally, if i was her, i’d just drop you, cut you off and leave you to deal with it all by yourself. after all, the car is in your name, as are all the utility contracts. the house might be half yours and half hers, but let’s be real, even if that is the case, you wouldn’t have let her have the rest upon your death out of sheer spite.

the point is, she doesn’t have to keep paying. she doesn’t owe you anything, though you’ll probably keep deluding yourself that she does. she could just leave you to rot and deal with it all yourself. she honestly should, but she won’t. why? because unlike you, mother is a genuinely good person. and i will not let you hurt her, or me, ever again.

[ichosefury]

it’s funny/odd and yet not really how much i immediately thought i’d have to do before anyone could come visit, let alone stay the night. i mean, i know exactly why i’m suddenly a stressed out perfectionist after months of being a hermit slob, but you know.

at least the apartment looks pretty good now. like a competent adult with a will to live... lives here. i just need to hoover tomorrow morning and clean one thing and that’s it.  

oh, and don’t get me wrong, the one visiting is mom and i’m delighted, it’s just been quite a while since anyone’s visited my place. a whole year in fact. and i guess it’s prudent to mention that i moved out (of the county even) last august and mom moved out too, though we went in opposite directions :p that’s why i’ve made a new tag, all i really need to do is change back to my birth name and i doubt he would ever find me again. i don’t think it would even cross his mind i could dare discard the name i got from him.

[amheng-osa]

Another amazing Lofi track.

[ichosefury]

hello. it’s been a rather long time. mom’s moving out went rather well, which was shocking. now she’s even talking about not wanting to support him forever by helping him live in the old house. she has plans for cleaning it up and selling it. i don’t think he’d ever allow it, but after/if they divorce, mom doesn’t really have any responsibility to him, so he’d have to pay for it’s upkeep on his own.

she’s been happy, and i’ve been happier recently. at the end of november, i started seeing a therapist. between yule and new years i wrote a letter explaining my reasons to him, and cut all contact. the therapy sessions ended at the end of march, but the therapist did leave me her card and encouragment to call immediately if i started to feel worse again.

i’d had plans to keep up saving money so i can move, if not for uni then for better job/social opportunities, but covid-19 got in the way. usually jobs in retail/food businesses here are quaranteed for the warm months, especially with my working-since-high-school-resume, but... not really possible this year. maybe august will bring something but i doubt it.

i think mom expected (or even still expects) me to move out this fall, especially since i did apply for uni. when i spoke about how i wouldn’t actually mind not getting in this year, since i don’t really have any major savings (and i’m only now getting confident in my desire to live past 30, though i didn’t actually say that) and thus no real way to find a place to live, move out and pay for school supplies. she said ‘we’ll figure something out‘, and while my response outloud was like ‘hmm maybe‘, internally... what something? would she take out a loan for that? does she expect me to take out a huge loan before classes even begin?? even though i already took out a small loan so i could get through vocational college without asking for help. i admit i haven’t actually told her about that, but still.

lately i’ve been feeling like maybe mom is finally truly realising, like i have, how much of a ‘failure‘ i am and will keep being. i’m a lesbian, neurodivergent, don’t want kids, approaching my 30′s, don’t have a steady job and still haven’t gone through uni, though i’ve wanted to since i was in high school. i’m not sure if she’s one of those people who think vocational college doesn’t count, i don’t really think so though.

i just hope the rest of this year doesn’t bring out any fights and grievances between us. i’m not sure how well i could handle having to tell her to back off, especially without any bitter retorts.

[ichosefury]

you know, i had actually briefly wondered why my sleep schedule suddenly got so bad, but then i actively listed all the shit that’s happened and will happen just in this month, and frankly i’m amazed at myself.

[ichosefury]

i don’t know how long this will all take. i don’t know if you will be stupid enough to try to hurt or even kill me or mom. but i swear, if i survive this, you will finally be dead to me. 

i will move again, not tell the address to anyone for two months at least (because i know if you actually get off your ass and try, you can charm people who’re supposed to know better). 

i will change my email, my phone number, delete info that you might be able to find if you actually use your brain, start over online. and finally, i will take back the family name i was born with. i’ll change my first name too. it’ll be all me, and nothing of you.

[ichosefury]

i fear what’s going to happen, what “it” will do, especially if mom decides to say it face-to-face, instead of calling after coming here, like she intended to do the last time. if she’s going to take a risk by being physically present, she should have someone else there with her. it doesn’t even have to be me, it could be her friend/neighbor. 

i’m going to try and convince her to just call. failing that, i’ll insist she do it with a friend, or i’ll force myself to be there, even if she doesn’t want me to. there’s been too many death threats and other bullshit to risk it. that’s partly why i’m glad she’s coming to live here. i have a much lower tolerance for “its” bullshit. i will call the police, or beat “it” up if i have to. she seems to be too fearful, or maybe it’s because she admitted she still cares about “it”? but she seems like she won’t stand up and defend herself even if she could.

[ichosefury]

on international women’s day, me and my mom had a fun day out. it was pretty normal for one, though when we went to eat out she very clearly wanted to talk about something.

long convo short, she’s finally leaving “it”, for good this time. she wanted to know if it was okay to come live with me, and of course it was, this was supposed to be her apartment after all. i’m glad this is happening, even if i’m anxious over what’s going to happen once she tells “it”. my issues with graduating aren’t helping, but at least that’s something that’ll be solved within these two weeks.