‘til sunset with you.
“all he saw was a....he didn’t even know, the only thing he was sure of was the tears burning on the back of his eyes, that he tried so hard to push back.”
☹︎PAIRING › hong joshua x nb! xu minghao
☹︎GENRES › angst, oneshot, fluff, platonic
☹︎WARNINGS › mention of blood, mention of scars and bruises, mention of self harm.
author’s note: hellou hellou hellou, i’m back with another angst where i project myself onto the main character ! this time there’s no playlist tho:( i got the inspiration from my stress back acne that popped up out of nowhere some days ago because of my anxiety and stress over school. this is also a bit messy i think, but i’m going to call all of them messy because english is not my first language. i hope you’ll enjoy it anyways <3 tell me what you think abt it! also i want to specify that i am non-binary myself, that’s why i did it, to feel closer to the character i was writing about.
☹︎
there was blood.
there was blood leaking from his skin, but he didn’t care, instead, he kept carving his nails on everything he came across that wasn’t perfect, all the acne that came out on his back as a result of the stressful weeks he had gone through.
he felt stupid, sure, he knew he was going to regret his actions as soon as scars would appear on his skin.
but as for now, he couldn’t care less about the future, he kept carving and scratching his shoulder, his back down to his scapula, paying attention to leave it a perfect mess. in the end, all he got from it was a red burning shoulder and a suffocating sense of guilt.
his eyes slowly traveled to the mirror, staring at the reflection. all he saw was a....he didn’t even know, the only thing he was sure of was the tears burning on the back of his eyes, that he tried so hard to push back.
slowly hugging himself on the chair, arms around his legs and chin on his knees, he tried to push back the sobs, hoping that no one would hear his pathetic noises and barge into the room to a shirtless puffy, and messy minghao. he didn’t want them to see him like this, he was always joyful, so sweet and bright, he couldn’t let them see him at his lowest, not with a scratched shoulder and red eyes, as if he just survived a pack of hungry wolves.
speak about the devil, as soon as he tried to let a sob out, he heard a voice quietly calling him from behind the door. « hao? you alright? the others are packing up to get something to eat, I figured out I might as well ask yo- hao? » minghao didn’t answer, too busy keeping his mouth shut to prevent any sob coming out, which unfortunately alarmed the older one even more, who knocked again on the door, sounding more concerned than before. « hao? minghao? everything okay there? why aren’t you answering? ».
he wished he didn’t sound so fragile answering. he wished his voice didn’t crack before finishing the phrase. he wished he didn’t have to curl himself behind the chair’s backrest to hide from the other’s eyes when he slowly opened the door to peek inside. « hao? are you there? l- what are you doing there...» he sighed, getting closer and closer as seconds went by, following the bunch of red-ish locks peeking behind the chair. then everything got confused, but one thing minghao remembers clear is the older’s expression dropping as soon as he saw his condition.
shua stopped talking, he completely shut down for a couple of seconds, trying to figure out how to move; his heart was pumping and he could almost hear it from the neck, but still, he tried to seem calm for the younger’s sake. he went to close the door, then back to the younger, he looked at him with the most reassuring expression, still, when he took his hand to guide him to sit properly straight on the edge of the bed, minghao could feel the tension from his grip, the subtle breath, the nervousness in his walk.
a moment of silence followed, in which ghao fidgeted with his fingers, debating on whether or not speaking up, afraid that his voice would sound even worse than before, or that the bruises on his back would ache when he tried to talk. « you don’t need to talk about it hao, don’t worry » Joshua's voice broke the silence, he sounded serious, his back facing the other while he picked a freshly washed t-shirt from the drawer.
hao stared at his shoulder in silence, biting the inside of his cheek, hoping that his silence would count as an answer. The next thing he knew, Joshua had disappeared in the nearby bathroom, just to come back armed with a bunch of different creams and bandaids.
he slowly approached the younger, placing all the medications on the bed, to then sit next to him; he stared at minghao’s face with a kind, reassuring expression, afraid that if he moved too fast, the other would get scared like a cat and hide away again.
« hi. »
« hi...»
« can I medicate you?»
«....» minghao’s eyes traveled to his hands, studying the long, slim fingers, wondering if they could’ve hurt him in any way if he let him touch his skin, wondering if they would’ve hurt just like silver for a vampire, or fire, burning him down to ashes.
« yes please...but be careful...» he said instead, gulping and staring at him.
« ‘will. can you please turn around? I promise you I’ll be as delicate as possible » shua smiled at him, picking up one of the meds so that the other would know what he was going to use.
minghao nodded, slowly turning his back at him, he stared down at his feet, peeking out of the bed, and wondered if he would ever be able to dance again without feeling like some kind of impostor, like he was hiding behind the mask of a dancer to justify his actions, which neither he knew what was he came to the conclusion that he barely knew a quarter of the things that went over his head, and agreed with even less of it; with time, he had learned to just let the thought pass, ignoring them and pretending they didn’t exist. he just focused on dancing, on the feeling of his feet barely touching the ground, on the emotions he felt while moving on the stage when nothing else mattered, and the perception that others had of him slowly disappeared in the wind.
all of his thoughts abruptly stopped when he felt Joshua's fingers lightly caressing his bruises, putting cream on them in the hope they would quickly heal.
his touch felt somewhat calming, reassuring, minghao realized he hadn’t felt that way in a long time, and slowly relaxed his shoulder, quietly enjoying the positive attention.
it went like that for a bit, just the sound of their breath and the feeling of Joshua's fingers working miracles on the other’s bruises, until he found his shoulders and back being almost completely covered in healing cream.
« Can I move now?» he shyly asked, not because he was intimidated by shua, but because a significant part of him wished to stay like that for a long, long time, just enjoying the other’s attention without worries.
« no, I still have to cover it, or else it will smudge everywhere- » ghao heard him trafficking with all the meds, just to feel his hands lightly patting his arms.
« can you rise these for me please?» he asked, reassuring him with some pats on the arms.
«I need you to keep your arms open so I can bandage you well, can you do that for me hao?» ghao slowly nodded, mumbling a positive “mhnmhn”, while opening his arms like a plane, scrunching his nose over the light pain the bruises caused him.
Joshua opened then a pack of bandaids, and started to pass one on his shoulder to his chest and over his back, then again repeating the action on both sides until minghao looked like a war survival.
the result caused ghao to chuckle lightly, which reassured shua to the point he gasped for air, relaxing with his back on the wall.
after both chuckles died down, shua pushed the medications aside, slowly guiding that's arms up to slide the shirt he previously took out of the wardrobe over them, covering the bandages to protect them.
after he was done, a moment of silence followed in which none of them wanted to move, especially minghao, who just wished he could stay in that position forever, even tho it was getting a bit uncomfortable to sit, and he was getting a bit sleepy.
the “bit” soon turned to A lot sleepy, and he found himself struggling to sit straight, but unable to lean on the other without hitting the bruises.
« ghao? »
« yea? »
« you look like you’re about to fall asleep »
« well, that’s because I am falling asleep, why?»
« you seem uncomfortable, do you want to lean on me?»
«I can’t, my back hurts like hell»
« well that’s because you’re dumb, but it doesn’t mean you can’t lean on me, just turn around you dummy»
Minghao found his cheeks growing hotter and redder at his words, he didn't like when others made him pass as the stupid one, so, without adding anything else, he simply turned around and placed his head on the other’s chest, shutting his eyes closed.
It would’ve been way easier to fall asleep on the spot if it hadn't been for the muffled chuckles that Joshua suffocated and Ghao heard from his chest.
« what’s so funny now?»
« Nothing, I just find it very endearing how you act like a child sometimes, it’s cute.» he answered with a wide grin on his face.
Minghao didn't say anything, instead, he went back to the other’s chest and closed his eyes, trying to relax.
A couple of hours went by in a flash, Minghao remembered falling asleep to Joshua's heartbeat and napping for at least a couple of hours, sometimes with only one eye closed, sometimes drooling from how deep he was sleeping, he even talked a bit in his sleep, or so Joshua said, confusing words that haunted his thoughts silently, that only he knew about.
In the end, lazily watching the sun setting down, still in the other’s arms, minghao thought that he could perhaps get used to this, even to the point of calling shua his cuddle buddy, the more he thought of it, the more it made him happy.
But first, there was something he needed to get off his chest.
« shua? »
« mhn? » a sleepy voice said.
« I...I need to tell you something»
« go on hao, I'm listening »
« I actually didn't intend on telling anyone this soon, but seen the circumstances, I figured out I might as well tell you»
« you’re making me worry now, what is it?» Joshua looked down at minghao’s redhead, wondering what could possibly be bothering him.
« I thought about it a lot and...I was thinking of trying out with they/them...?»
« Are you getting into a poly relationship or sumn?» his voice now sounded pretty confused, reflecting his emotions as he couldn't understand where ghao was coming from.
« no stupid! I meant the pronouns, I want to try going by they/them, it makes me feel safer...»
«...oh» Minghao looked up at shua, trying to grasp any sign of reaction from him, fearing that he might reveal himself to be not supportive as ghao thought.
Instead, Joshua hugged him tighter, careful not to hurt him, and kindly smiled at him to reassure the other of his thoughts on the matter.
« thank you for telling me that hao, I actually think they suit you a lot you know? It sounds very pretty. Now, do you want to get something to eat? It got late and I bet you ate nothing for the whole day, plus I want you to come out and breathe some fresh air, is that fine?»
Minghao smiled brightly at the other, feeling a wave of happiness washing over him (or them, he was still trying to figure it out) for the first time in days.
«I’d actually love to eat something, do we have pizza?»
the end.