Greetings esteemed colleagues,
Sometimes after a long day of filling in spreadsheets, sleeping through our required Ethics course, and counting our money, us Stern students really need to unwind. Thank Wall Street, that we have a club like Cookies and Coloring.
This week we will be practicing normal human interaction - a skill we may need to fool our friends and family into believing we care for them. By doing so we can later exploit these relationships for profit. You know for - money - the only thing we care about.
There are a few ways to simulate humanity:
DO NOT hand out your business card. Apparently financially unsuccessful people don’t do that with friends.
Try wearing plebeian clothes - I think like Polos and loafers or something. Apparently people find suits a bit much in casual settings. If this is too difficult given a closet exclusively of suits, business casual will have to do.
Talk about your “feelings,” “hopes,” and “dreams,” but do not mention anything about money! Pretend you feel something other than greed or longing to do a line off a hooker. For instance, I often say “I want to be a philanthropist because of those poor children who need money” or some other such nonsense. Shit I mentioned money.
No cigars or laughing that sounds like "muhahahaha."
Maybe - if you feel really ambitious - try giving a hug instead of offering a handshake. This seems to suggest you feel more intimately about the person than you actually do.
DO NOT hand out your business card. Apparently financially unsuccessful people don’t do that with friends.
Try wearing plebeian clothes - I think like Polos and loafers or something. Apparently people find suits a bit much in casual settings. If this is too difficult given a closet exclusively of suits, business casual will have to do.
Talk about your “feelings,” “hopes,” and “dreams,” but do not mention anything about money! Pretend you feel something other than greed or longing to do a line off a hooker. For instance, I often say “I want to be a philanthropist because of those poor children who need money” or some other such nonsense. Shit I mentioned money.
Maybe - if you feel really ambitious - try giving a hug instead of offering a handshake. This seems to suggest you feel more intimately about the person than you actually do.
DO NOT hand out your business card. Apparently financially unsuccessful people don’t do that with friends.
Try wearing plebeian clothes - I think like Polos and loafers or something. Apparently people find suits a bit much in casual settings. If this is too difficult given a closet exclusively of suits, business casual will have to do.
Talk about your “feelings,” “hopes,” and “dreams,” but do not mention anything about money! Pretend you feel something other than greed or longing to do a line off a hooker. For instance, I often say “I want to be a philanthropist because of those poor children who need money” or some other such nonsense. Shit I mentioned money.
Maybe - if you feel really ambitious - try giving a hug instead of offering a handshake. This seems to suggest you feel more intimately about the person than you actually do.
After 30 minutes of our human training session, we can resume networking. At that point feel free to hand out your business cards. As usual, this week will be catered by Dominique Ansel Bakery and sponsored by Morgan Stanley.
NOTE: Stern Cookies and Coloring will not be meeting in our usual spot in the Waldorf=Astoria hotel executive suite. Due to scheduling conflicts we will instead slum it temporarily in the Gallatin Art Studio on the 4th Floor. If you encounter a Gallatin student, avoid eye contact at all cost. They may see that you are soulless and vile, and slay you with their psychic powers of “concentration.”