Turn Everything Random In.

← Teri. She/her, mostly. He/him, whenever. Singaporean. NYU 2016. I'm queer and here. (function(d,t){var g=d.createElement(t),s=d.getElementsByTagName(t)[0];g.src="//x.instagramfollowbutton.com/follow.js";s.parentNode.insertBefore(g,s);}(document,"script"));

[turneverythingrandomin]

When you have life

Then you will have hope

Then you will have faith

Peace

Peace in God

--

I didn't know what prostitutes were

I was the gong kia

You know some people have love at first sight

Mine was hate at first sight

She didn't like me when we first met

--

You know my father was actually "lim"

My great grandfather was "koh"

Rich penang guy

I was born on cuppage road, 19 I think

Then given away to my "tan" father

--

The Japanese came and my dad turned me away

"Tan" father was a detective in the force

The Japanese came and tortured him - he was vomiting all the time

He got sick and passed away when I was 12

That's when life got hard; we had no money and I didn't have an education

I would help my uncle with his wanton mee stall at 5am, clean my rich classmate's house

--

At 21 my classmates brought me to a brothel

He jumps back and reenacts his shock

My body was cold when I saw a naked woman's body

I thought this was my friend's girlfriend

I didn't know what a prostitute was

--

I said I hated singapore because

I have no friends

I hate the work time difference

But it's the feeling of never being enough

I never spend enough time with you

I never visit often enough

我想念你

Me too but it's always so painful

These couple of hours feel like an obligation to fulfill even though I love you

It feels like I have to convince you of my life

My cats my job my "americanization" my

Queerness?

--

The tears struggling to stay in

Told me I had to go

I knew what I wanted to say but I couldn't say it in chinese

It was frustrating, though not entirely at you, was almost certainly about to come out that way

I hate having to leave on a disappointing note but it seemed work was the only way I could get my way

I don't even care about work I just

Could not stay in that place any longer

So many emotions inexpressible through language barrier

How should I love you?

[turneverythingrandomin]

We are going to be okay

See you on the other side

of restlessness 

of waiting

of anxiousness 

of not knowing

17 years of marriage

and parenthood comes down to this

moment

moment

moment

10 hours

this potential finality and potential continuity is confusing 

resignation yet hope

the grey area I live in

queerness as utopia

queerness as becoming, not being

learn to be patient

worrying about tomorrow takes away today’s peace

let’s handle it in moments, girl

sweetie, we are going to be okay

[turneverythingrandomin]

"Just because she's good to you doesn't mean she's good for you"

[turneverythingrandomin]

Don’t fall into mind traps

she doesn’t care about you or anything, really.

she just needs to survive and she'll do what it takes

you can't blame her but you can't blame yourself either

sometimes it's ok even if you don't believe it

i love you should not be confused with i loved you

i can feel excited about someone else again i think i'm getting better

this spring i got better

i love you don't leave me she never left me she is far away but i know she'll always be there

i loved you and I didn't want you to leave me but you were never there for me you're far away and you’re gone

i live in painful cycles self sabotaging love does not need to be pain but you'll never learn until you're ready to

[turneverythingrandomin]

i gave you what everybody wanted; you took it but you didn't really want it

Back to You - Tragik

--

run down run away back to the punch i get away put in on pain put it on ice please fade forget your face I'm tired i sleep too late i stay up my brain never made up i make up the boogie man wake up afraid of the worse lay to regret later is best and the later it gets the tighter my chest the shorter my breath ai don't know whats next i only come crawling back i need my fix my drug is your desire and i am at your will ill only do what i gotta do to make you fulfill you're my drug and you keep me feeling like I'm numb and i can't breathe heartbreak hotel never thought i woulda coulda been that bitter but the days turn dark I'm not that well sick in the head loveless in hell turn to the worse body pale no appetite i can't leave my mind my blood is black enslaved to time body break down monopolize heart on my sleeve but I'm the bad guy emotionally unavailable type i gave you what everybody wanted you took it but you didn't really want it wats worse is i fell for it fell deep maybe too forward its too bad we met like this any other time it could a been intense passionate mind breaking bleeding aching feenin love making patience I'm saying this i don't wanna love like you cus lovin you broke me blue my heart is black glass on the ground cracked so please forgive me if I'm cold like the winter sun i got no love in my body call me the shady one gimme all the drugs i wanna fucking die and then i woke up breathing and realized you're my drug and you keep me feeling like I'm numb and i can't breathe

[turneverythingrandomin]

How can anyone hate themselves so much

That they introduce themselves with "I'm a horrible person" instead of their name

[turneverythingrandomin]

Queer platonic +1

What does 3 weeks have on 3 years

What does 3 days have on 3 years

Within 3 days I questioned

Within 3 weeks I decided

That my fairytale power play story should <s>end</s> <s>take a break</s> end

--

I feel like I've known you for so long and

Yet I don't know your full name

Sweetie it's only been 3 weeks

--

Is this what it means to learn - to take

All of the pain and love and joy

Channel it into a 150cm (or maybe 151cm la) softboi

I probably seem taller because I got hella BDE

--

Someone please explain what this is

Queer platonic love or queer love

This time I travel to yearning a connection

That we could have

The possibility of true home in a 6 hour radius or for a month

--

Why are you so special this is not

a crush

I guess my insecurity and need for a deeper connection morphed

Into an affection for your smile and half accent

--

Omg do you have feelings for a 19 year old

Ugh

I wasted Saturday

I always waste Saturday

It just floats on

--

In my dreams I would be late to class

Just to hold your hand for 5 more minutes

I got jealous of

a placeholder (I hope)

How do you feel

How do I feel

About me

What am I doing

It's time to go

--

Ok b love you bye

[turneverythingrandomin]

Wait, what's her name?

Some things you don't have to try

Some things I will never know

Did I get into Berkeley

What did she write about me to get me here

--

I kinda wanna be j2 again

--

Don't be dumb j2 sucked

Life gets better and better

--

My life is too perfect

I'm not used to this

Why can't I just

Live in the moment

--

I love and miss you all but

all is near, she said 6 years ago

Am I still the 18 year old me?

Crush obsess fantasize

Eat sleep shit repeat

--

Time is weird beautiful

I've almost forgotten the one I've wronged most

Yet remember the feelings of desire

To be loved to be lost to be left out in the dark

Perhaps they never left

--

I am still a baby

"ur heart rly need to put in a locker"

It's not about the girl

It's about the power

Fuck

--

so stupid I how old already still think 18 year old girl cute zzz

ask me again in 3 months

What is her name

--

She looks like Kim

You like this type one skinny dark small eyes with a good smile

Who doesn't?

--

I already have my power play love story with the girl of my dreams

Why am I still so

Guailan

[turneverythingrandomin]

This is home, truly

Today I'm reminded

Home is pain

A lack of control

My decisions are my mother's

--

I'm in the passenger seat

As unforgiveness intolerance self-righteousness

Take the wheel

Some times I wonder if I should just

Learn to drive

--

Nothing's changed

For the better

Y = 0

X = +6

--

Yet I romanticize this place

For all that it could be

But will never be

The normalcy

[turneverythingrandomin]

Hi Pastor, Teri will meet you at 10am on Tuesday

Am I back to this place

6 years ago

Where I thought that perhaps

I am invalid

Where being happy is

selfish ungrateful losing

Who I am and where I've come from

Did I reject

Everything?

I travel to sadness again

Twice a year, 24 hours each way

Those words are 10 years old

But the grief is only 6

I promised myself 4 years

Though I guess

Rubber time lah nehmind

Don't let incidents happen and not learn anything

What do I do

God?

[turneverythingrandomin]

When your day is like that roller coaster

That you refuse to sit

Because it exposes all your weaknesses:

Fragile masculinity

Unhealable insecurities

Fear of heights

--

When you have the perfect partner

Yet in this learning journey

Of trying to be the same

You fall like 不倒翁s in that wildwood sand

Never really sure if this is it or if it'll bounce back like usual

--

Do not cross boundaries

Give them space

It's not my game

Be supportive

The last thing they need is a deb

--

What would I want my partner to do

I kept thinking -

Not this, surely

--

With my feet tucked snugly under my butt

I really wished I had my BFG to pat me to sleep

Tell me some stories as if I were 7

And take care of me again

[turneverythingrandomin]

weekend

“guess where i am 

i’m on the train”

11pm

fuck 

sleep 

fuck brunch fuck nap rehearsal eat fuck 

sleep 

school eat paint fuck

sleep

9am

“made it w 3 min to spare wew”

[turneverythingrandomin]

Glad I got to work with these sexy human beings on a very important #HB2 video! Link in bio -- go watch!! #educatenothate #elliottsailors #raindove #humanrights #repealhb2 #dapperQ #bankerboi

[turneverythingrandomin]

how do you like your soccer players?

[turneverythingrandomin]

am i abject

the kind of queer 

whose existence is too radical

whose subversion is not good enough for your preferred assimilation 

whose identity should be a non-identity

because we shouldn’t need to label ourselves

but I am queer. I am QUEER. I AM queer. 

there was never a need to come out since I was never really in 

was is not my life

--

the subject title is ‘i love you always’

baby

are you living a NORMAL life? you know what I mean

--

am I overcompensating

am I trying too hard for my mutually exclusive lives to overlap just a little

am I too visible for you and you

am I achieving all these because I can’t have this

love

am I pushing you away by pulling you close to me

am I the bad queer whose self-love you don’t get

maybe I’m just not NORMAL

maybe I’m just

abject

[turneverythingrandomin]

*tryna act all chill when it's actually freezing outside* 📷: @afreeeen

[turneverythingrandomin]

finally

someone I like who likes me back 

22 / 4 / 2016

---

who knew

that a single piece of precisely cut cardboard

with red and black ink 

can create hours of laughter and love