#ice archery

[jokingluna]

Callback to the Crystal Games!

[digimontamerrichie-tcg]

BT23-092 | Ice Archery

Option Card | Cyber Sleuth | Common | Blue

Digimon Games | Digimon Story: Cyber Sleuth

[Featuring: Betamon]

[ask-miss-harshwhinny]

Ms. Harshwhinny, regarding the recently-concluded 1004 games: can you explain to this layman how it was Ponyville beat Cloudsdale in total medals awarded? Leaving aside the absurdity of awarding ANOTHER medal for most medals (regardless of medal quality) Cloudsdale trailed Ponyville only by one going into Ice Archery. They should have at least tied. Were no medals awarded for Ice Archery? The IEGC's pathetic excuse for an aethernet site has no answers, and Spin Doctor refuses to comment.

We awarded points based on percentage of target covered before the event was scratched.  The blackguard biathlete who fouled the whole thing was disqualified on fault, Cloudsdale medaled twice in ice archery, Ponyville in fact lost in overall medal count to Cloudsdale, and I had to go up into the stands after the closing ceremonies and explain to the former bearers of the Elements of Harmony how to perform basic arithmetic.

You have again been misled by the “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” serial in which the Ponyville flag appears to be hoisted above those of both Clousdale and Griffonstan.  This was an optical illusion based on forced perspective and poorly-chosen camera angles.

In short, Equestria’s filmmakers are duplicitous louts, Equestria’s heroes are incapable of basic mathematical thought, and the biathlete who fouled the Ice Archery event in the first place should, in any just universe, have gotten hit by a carriage.  Which he later in fact did, but that is because he is a biathlete and not because of some cosmic justice.

In even shorter, everypony is wrong except sometimes me.

[ask-miss-harshwhinny]

In re: the Ice Archery finals...

All right, that settles it.  All biathletes just go die in a fire.  You may report to a fire that is geographically convenient to you, or you may report here to the satellite Games office in the Crystal Empire where we have a functional dragon who will cheerfully provide a fire for you to die in.  As an added bonus, you may choose to immolate yourself in the great Torch of the Games itself.  This is one of the services I will provide in order to encourage you all to go die in fires.

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO THREATEN THE LIVES OF FIFTY THOUSAND PONIES WITH A CLOUD?!  I wouldn't even know how to go about doing such a thing, but you ponies keep surpassing my every expectation.  Seriously, if Lord Tirek himself were to someday escape the pit of Tartarus, I suspect I know where the chain of blame would eventually end.

[ask-miss-harshwhinny]

Who names a child Boathook?

SOME DEMON FROM THE PITS OF TARTARUS OBVIOUSLY~

WHO ELSE COULD GIVE BIRTH TO SUCH A CREATURE AS THAT~

FOR MY WHOLE LIFE HAVE I BEEN SEEKING THE APPROVAL OF THAT MARE~

AND THEN TRIXIE JUST WALTZES IN AND TAKES IT~

…all right.

Deep breaths, Lovingcup.  Deep, deep breaths.

Closing ceremonies coming up.  Fireworks ready.  All we need is a nice successful ice archery event with no disasters to prove to me that biathletes should be accorded the same respect and consideration as other athletes (assuming they choose to turn haunch on the stupid biathlon).  Things will turn out right.  The ice archery finals will show Mother Boathook that my Games are something to be honored rather than mocked.

I am very hopeful.

[ask-miss-harshwhinny]

I am happy to report...

...that despite a rather perilous windigo-related leadup, the actual opening of the Games went off with little more than a hitch.  Brief technical glitch with the highly specialized piece of equipment used to light this year's torch (a dragon) but in the end everything turned out... yes.  Moderately all right.  Still a complete failure, of course, but it could have been worse.

There is, of course, a long way to go.  I swear, some ponies seem to think that the Equestria Games is a the affair of a single day, lasting (to pick a figure at random) approximately twenty-two minutes.  We have a whole fortnight ahead of us, and while I do not know if it is residual hypothermia or merely some leftover effect of the Heartbleed sickness, I feel strangely confident that... everything is going to go perfectly with all our perfectly safe Equestria Games events.  Just for fun, let me list off some of the various perfectly safe events this year that will doubtless go well:

Ice Archery

Throwing Cricket Balls Directly at Ponies' Heads

Vorpal Fencing

Arming / Disarming Large Explosive Device (time trials)

Fire-Eating (at the fabulous Decommissioned Grain Silo Arena!)

The Cinderblock Dodge

Caber-Tossing

Scorpions, Scorpions, Scorpions (this year, with even more scorpions)

Sneak Up Very Quietly Behind H.R.H. Luna and Then Suddenly Trigger an Air-Horn

Feed a Bunch of Pop Rocks and Cola to a Pegasus Before Hurling Them Into a Wall at Speed

Synchronized Swimming (I am admittedly a bit leery of this)

Neo-Biathlon

In other news, my daughter has promised us "at least" twelve individual fireworks by the time of the closing ceremonies.  This seems... paltry, under the circumstances, but who am I to question an expert at pyrotechnics, yes?

So, any other perfectly safe events any of you ponies would like to pass on to the events committee?