#ichi mumbles

[irl-ichi]

been having some insomnia for a few days randomly like i dunno why? but the sleep deprivation kinda gave me a bit of paranoia which made it impossible to sleep therefore worsening the cycle :') after a night of not sleeping at all i took some of my old xanax last night. i think its like 5 years old so im surprised its still effective but yay i chilled out and slept. heres hoping i dont have to do that tonight

i know id be fine if i could just sleep with my partner tho. id feel safe and sleep soooo good 😞

[irl-ichi]

just. his toothbrush is still hanging next to mine. his scrubby is still in my shower. i still have the shampoo and conditioner i got him to help with his heat damaged hair. the blanket i use on snorlax is the one his mom gave me for christmas. the shirt i put on today i remember when he ripped the tag off for me without even having to ask to know thats an irritating sensory thing. the reason i have an extra pillow is for him. times he touched this knickknack or that stuffed animal. everything.

and i know anyone would say i should get rid of his stuff because it only makes it harder but 1. thats such a waste and 2. i do want to give him this stuff if he finishes this break from me and decides he still wants to be friends. i just.. dont know when thatll be... if itll happen.....

[irl-ichi]

hours after waking up im still thinking about my bad dream like how messed do you have to be where your therapist gets pissed and tells you to find someone else

[irl-ichi]

thinking about when my mom took me driving and yelled at me and since i was already so stressed from driving i was crying and it was a huge mess... the next day she came down to apologize and we talked things out. when she went back up my dad was like "would you leave it alone already 😫" thinking that talking would just cause more fighting... and told my mom she needs to take me to dairy queen that day to apologize. like thats such a perfect example of how they approach conflict. after taking some time to calm down mom talks things out and dad thinks if he gives you a present thats an apology and we dont have to do the awkward "talking about what happened" and things should immediately go back to normal

[irl-ichi]

why does my eye and head hurt

all i did today was sleep youd think that would help

my adderall wont be ready til wednesday i missed a call from my psychiatrist and have to call bavk to schedule a virtual appointment i just cant. stop. sleeping. not to mention all the stuff i have to do around here since getting back home like figuring out how im gonna do laundry when im not allowed to use the dryer and its too humid to dry stuff outside

not sure if no meds are to blame but i have weird dreams now. earlier had one alex messaged me casually ranting about cartoons like nothing had ever happened and i was like uhh did you message the wrong person and they were like ??? no?? so. whatever THAT says about my psyche

[irl-ichi]

2nd morning i woke up and my fingers still numb 😬 see i told them i dont like jetskis look what happened!! i dont even know what happened. i was gripping my moms life vest so hard my fingers went numb and one of them just. didnt come back. am i dying

[irl-ichi]

i made sure to get a refill of my antidepressants before we left but for some reason thought i had enough adderall and only now realize i have 5 left. for the next 2 possibly 3 weeks. why am i so stupid

[irl-ichi]

alex was right i have too much baggage to be someone worth caring about