#idellie

[idxhanbyul-blog]

know by heart.

he contacts @idellie again, but this isn’t to reconnect. this is to return attachment or... that’s what he intended.

     hanbyul considers giving his ex a ring. his ex because even visualizing her name beckons this faint tsunami of undead feelings. but he doesn’t because the last time he did, she ignored him. broke him when he didn’t think it was possible to break anymore. he should be over her. should have been over her a long time ago, but he is and he isn’t. there are days he can go on without thinking about her. without wondering what she’s doing or how she is.

     and there are days that is all that consumes him.

     he shouldn’t be obsessive. that’s what broke them up. too needy, too clingy, too suffocating; hanbyul was too much. he was always too much or too little. not good enough. there is no in-between. there is no middle ground he ventures on. 

     and that’s his fault. he takes the blame but doesn’t embrace it. instead, it burns onto him, and he wears it like armour. so, he acts more detached and disinterested than usual and sends her a text because he’s done some spring cleaning, and there are far too many memories of them that she’s left behind. he piles them away in a box and rests it next to a coffee table. it can’t stay in the bedroom. reminds him of the side of the bed that used to be hers when she stayed over. reminds him of what used to be.

[ 🌙💕 ] hey hanbyul here

     in case she doesn’t have his number anymore. that’s what exes do, right? they set bridges on fire. so, someone remind him to remove the hearts and just use her name. 

[ 🌙💕 ] i have some of your things at my place. i don’t know what to do with them. maybe you want them back. you can come over. you know the passcode, right? or if you don’t want them back, i can throw them out. let me know. 

     it’s awkward messaging her after their showdown at the party at the beginning for the year. it was messy. unresolved tension plagued the majority of their conversation turned argument. he hated how he acted: immature, foolish, stupid. he’d make it up if it mattered, but they didn’t cross paths since, so he chose to discard the notion. new year. time to move on. time to leave the past behind. and yet the idea of ellie possibly dropping by does something. 

    his chest feels tight, and hanbyul looks around the living room. nothing much changed since he last invited her over. he almost sees the ghost of her spinning around. almost hears muted giggles waft. he shakes his head, rids himself of the illusions and tidies a bit. 

     just in case.

[idsungyeol-blog]

❄️( on purpose )

—send me ❄️for my muse’s response to being underneath mistletoe with your muse. specify whether it’s accidental or on purpose.

there was a time where such gesture would have drawn a hearty laugh out of him. one of amusement and unfiltered admiration. ellie was endearing. a little spark that could lit an entire forest on fire. one that he’d nurture and chase willingly and energetically. he didn’t mind burning together with it, basking in the flames. as a matter of fact, he liked it. so he would have pecked her lips once. maybe twice through a chuckle. wouldn’t even say much since he didn’t have to. it’s alright — it’s ironic. neither of them liked christmas anyway.

however, he burned out what seemed like ages ago. 

looking at the small branch that seemed to show up between them oh so favourably now, all he could do was roll his eyes at it. “absolutely hilarious, eleanor. what a prankster,” he’s distant, words running cold and emotionless. his hand went up first, finger accidentally hooking onto a strand of her hair that rose together with his hand. a slight shake rids of it, however, and with a concentrated look in his eye, sungyeol flicked the little branch with two fingers. with little force, it flew across the room and away from them, his stare coming down to her. “please feel free to take that branch to any other person around and get it out of my sight. i’m not interested in such jokes, you should know.”

[idiseul-blog]

free-fall

( a chilly december ‘17 night where iseul plans to make up for lost time with @idellie. )

the last breath of autumn, it’s cold and dark, and he knows better than to be out so late especially for a spontaneous date. his managers will kill him if they find out. guaranteed. iseul doesn’t mind, though. doesn’t sense the strum of fear when he’s too busy shivering to feel anything else other than freezing. he’s not numb, no, because that means not feeling anything, and he isn’t the type. he’s the exact opposite. feeling too much. overwhelming and overflowing.

iseul loves in the same manner. too much. too hard. the combination is deadly. draining. others warn him to be careful. that loving too deeply can cause rifts that even time can’t heal when it’s all over. the end is something else he doesn’t think about. refuses to, actually. kinda foolish. kinda ignorance is bliss, but he loves ellie with everything in him that he can’t entertain the chance it isn’t her. that she isn’t the one.

(she has to be.)

hands buried in pockets of a black jacket that swallows him up, iseul waits outside her building in the gaps where shadows lurk, the orange glow of street-lights cannot reach and no one can see him. the black face-mask and cap pulled low to cover eyes is less of a disguise but more of a dead giveaway that he’s someone famous. oh well.

when it comes to love, he doesn’t look twice before he leaps; he jumps head first because that’s romance, isn’t it? falling for someone? (he doesn’t think all that falls breaks. doesn’t believe in it.)

he spots her, irises dilating in that way they’re supposed to when you see the one you like. (it’s rather comical, but he likes to think the affection shows in tender gazes and small smiles when they pass in public because that’s all they’re reduced to when they’re around others.) “ellie!” it’s a whisper-shout. excited, elated, thrilled. with a hand waving, he beckons her over and spreads his arms for an embrace. he wore the too-large coat on purpose: enough to fit them both. “i missed you.” still does because they’re idols first and time together is more stolen than easily given.

[wasjaehyun-blog]

odd.

backstage at kcon, between performances @idellie

if there’s one positive to debuting, it was being able to withdraw from the produce project. although his time there had been short, it had been a bit painful. when presented with the chance to join, it was framed as his one chance to chase after his dream, to present himself to the public in a way to win some favor. he knew that midas had talked about a new boy  group for quite some time, using it as incentive to push their male trainees further and further. but it always seemed like nothing but a pipe dream, something in some distance future that isn’t sure to come along.

so he went along with it, sold his soul to the producers and tried his best with what he had. he hadn’t anticipated how hungry, how greedy the show would make him. jaehyun was a bit more reserved, preferred to spend his time alone than in large groups unless enticed by friends. but on the show, he was relaxed, charming too. marketed for only a short time, but seen as the bigger brother type. although he had to force himself to be a bit extra a times, a bit more positive than he really was. it wasn’t all fake though, just amped up.

and although they tried their best to keep the trainees apart, separating them due to preceived gender, jaehyun’s saving grace was eleanor. their friendship was unlikely, had started on a whim and had become something that he relied on time and time again. it was one of the reasons why he was a bit heartbroken, to leave the show. becuase what was he going to do without her?

jaehyun hadn’t even gotten the chance to properly say goodbye. once news of his impending debut came, they had whisked him away with strong words to get his stuff and get in the van. and after that it was a whirlwind of movement. practices were amped up, nights were filled with preparations, recordings and stylists working tirelessly to perfect their looks. it left him reeling and with barely enough time to eat and sleep.

but when news came of their performance on the same stage as the produce trainees, jaehyun didn’t hesitate to seek out eleanor among the chaos. instead, he waits eyes roving over every face those he knew but plenty unfamiliar until he manages to catch sight of her. he blends in among the staff in his casual clothes, having already performed the day before, they barely give him a second glance as he waits. and finally when he snags sight of her in the sea of produce trainees, he’s quick to snag at her wrist gently tugging until she looks, a smile already wide on his face.

[idjinwoo-blog]

hat trick.

isac ; @idellie.

the heat gets to him, snaps patience short of conventional, and jinwoo does what he can to perpetuate james. but he’s melting, the facade is trickling with make-up, running down a salient jawline (he’s losing weight), and the white and green plastic hand fan does nothing but circulate hot, muggy air. he can stay closer to his team, bathe in cool shadows of a canopy, but he’s far more miserable there. and there are far more cameras present to penalize him, to scrutinize every reaction or lack-there-of. he doesn’t want to go about fake camaraderie not when she was there. 

suran. last time he saw her---jinwoo frowns, fringe blowing with the oscillating winds. plenty of time passed to mend wounds, to smooth scars, yet jinwoo remains petty and unforgiving. but james doesn’t hold grudges nor does he date so jinwoo chooses not to handle the situation like an adult; instead, he avoids it.

if seeing another jawbreaker member can count as avoiding it. 

jinwoo knows it’s messy and complicated and can implode on him. as much as he dislikes the ambiguity of it all, there’s a certain degree of delight in retaliation---not revenge or vengeance because too strong, too iniquitous. and that isn’t him.

no, correction. that isn’t james. (so maybe it is him.)

eleanor moon is a pretty girl sitting under a large umbrella that offers shade and room for company. an open invitation. logically, he shouldn’t venture too close not after what happened between them. a matchbook romance, so to speak. but the sun is unforgiving, and jinwoo is weak and tired of standing in the middle of a field, defenseless. so he closes distance a step at a time, pebbles and grass squelching under sponsored sneakers. a plan (excuse) is already being written: they’ll play futsal together, they’re discussing strategies if any sharp-eyed onlookers notice, dissect and stipulate a breakdown.

flashbacks flood then hit when they make eye contact. all he can do is provide a pathetic footnote of a greeting (excuse again) and a lopsided smile. “mind if join you? there’s no where else to sit.”