#ignore gilbert

[agnosticalchemist]

I’m a horrible person who deserves to be unalived. Some part of me almost looks forward to it.

[agnosticalchemist]

I’ve recently come to a realization. I call it: “Holy heck, I was actually a terrible human being back in high school!” Like, not just cringey to the max, but like I was a terrible person and treated others really terribly. I was nice to people, but I was not a good person in the slightest. I am going to have to come to terms with that. I was rereading old messages and they made me feel uncomfortable. Not just because it was cringy things, but they looked like they were written by an incel or a ‘nice guy’. If I had to interact with past me now, I think I would make them take a long walk off a short pier.

I never realized how fundamentally different I am from the person who I used to be.

And I would honestly say that that is a miracle that I have come so far.

[agnosticalchemist]

I realized recently that most, if not all of, my friends are introverted and that I’m extroverted. Like, this isn’t something that should bother me, but like, those really dumb thoughts about how I’m just a drain on my friends is right and now I feel really bad about it. Like, just being friends with my friends is draining for them. I feel like I’m just a parasite in the friend group now. It’s kinda terrible.

[agnosticalchemist]

I gave a big talk about not throwing away my shot and yet because of my own choices I’m short by a lot

I got to make the money because, honey, if I want to get my education then I need to make cash fast and reliably

[agnosticalchemist]

You need help Suicide prevention number: 1-800-273-8255

ThanksI just have a lot on my plate right now and I plan on seeing a therapist once school starts up again.

[agnosticalchemist]

I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory

Will this be where it gets me?

On my feet, several days ahead of me?

Do I run? Have some fun? Or continue walking?

No beat or melody

There’s no revolution to fight

There’s no more words to write

I struggle every night with the words so I borrow a few from Manuel-Miranda

I want to act like Hamilton, but honestly I’m more like Aaron Burr, sir

I wait for it until it’s too late

Will I finish this time? Will I be able to actually finish another year?

No beat or melody

I work and work and work

And yet

I bet I won’t make it through to the end of the school year

I’m so tired

I cannot throw away my shot

It’s a lot to deal with

I feel like I’m facing a titan of myth

I fear that my challenges, I can’t beat them

Raise a glass to freedom

[agnosticalchemist]

My ex was a horrible and abusive person

I hate that I have good memories with them

I hate that I wasted my time trying to help them and keep them happy, but all they did was hurt me over and over again

I don’t want to feel sad thinking about them

I want to be fully happy that it’s over

But it hurts and sometimes I miss them

I know they’re an awful human being

And that’s why it hurts so much more to think of the good times

[agnosticalchemist]

The thing I enjoy the most Is when someone makes me laugh And I feel the warmth in my chest It makes me feel alive Like I exist and enjoy things