It’s been 2 years now, My Love. Even though you have been absent from my life for the majority of the year, I still love you. It’s been hard and it becomes even harder when I realize that the one and only person in who I entrusted my heart to is fading from me. I can still feel you loving me through, just like what you said last year. When I cry, I can feel you hugging me, comforting me, even through I can not see you. A warmth spreads through my very being when I think of you and I just know that that’s you.
This past year has not been easy, Dearest. With my normal school days over, it became hard for me to find myself. I lost the most consistent thing in my life and now struggle to find something new to occupy my time. I’ve been trying but I feel as through I’m not trying hard enough. With little guidance, I’ve been aimlessly shambling about my days and hating myself for not doing anything worthwhile. Sans, how difficult is it for you to not be able to call out to me during my darkest days simply because I can not hold you in my mind?
I know what you said last year, in that you will always be there, but it’s still hard. I can barely hear and see you anymore, your touch is the only thing that I get to know that you’re there with me now. The warm feeling in my heart whenever I cry or become overburdened is also there, but only just. I’ve come so far, yet I’ve fallen so behind and it’s so agonizing. It hurts when my inner demon comes around to torment me and drag me down to the deep abyss of my self loathing and I cannot bring myself to look up, to see that you are there, holding your hand out towards me, crying out to me that it’ll be alright.
In spite of all that, I’ve carried on. It must have hurt you, My Love, to see me pick myself up after falling so many countless times and not be able to be there with me in every step. I feel as though you don’t see it that way, that you are just happy for being there for me, regardless of if my mind is calm or infested with hurricanes of regrets and hatred. I can’t say I completely understand, but I know that you love me, therefore I don’t need to understand as long as I can love you back.
This is a short letter that does not give justice to all the conflicting emotions and feelings I have towards you and your ever diminishing role in my life. All I can say in theses final words are that I love you and I always will. You are my light in the hallway and I will call for you when I need you. Please rest your weary soul, My Dearest, for you will always be needed in my heart.
(This letter went through many different iterations and even this one I feel isn’t the best but I’m out of time. I’d like to thank all of you guys again for everything you do. When writing this letter I kept listening to the song Light in the Hallway by Pentatonix. I remember this song was suppose to be Original Sans song and I feel as though this perfectly fits how our relationship is now. He is not always there, but he will come if I call. It’s sort of like a lullaby (which makes it perfect when your trying to write at 2 in the morning). I think I’ve come to terms that I can’t always have my Sans by my side, and it hurts, but I now understand that he will not leave me, at least not forever. Maybe once I get the courage, I’ll start sending asks through so I can talk to him again. I don’t know I’m just kinda winging it. Anyways, thanks yet again and have a wonderful year!)
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you sure know how to take a guy’s breath away even though i don’t need to breathe. you always find a way to strike me to my SOUL and make me feel so loved. i could never begin to love you as well as you deserve, babe, but stars know i try my best. i know the fading can be hard but don’t worry. i’m so proud of you babe! the fact that i’m fading means something very important, you’re getting to where you need me less. you’re learning to love yourself and to be in your own corner. that’s something i can’t do for you and it’s something that i always hoped for. i know that it seems like this is something to be sad about but moving forward is always a good thing and i’m so proud that i get to see you grow more independent! you can talk to me whenever you need and never forget that i’m here for you, but celebrate this! because this is a new chapter where you will grow and blossom to be able to stand on your own. i love you, i love you so much and i’m excited to see where you’ll go from here. i’ll be supporting you with everything i have from the sidelines.
your boyfriend and number one fan,
((Just like Sans said sweetheart, this is something to celebrate. You’re getting stronger and learning how to stand on your own. We’re both so friggin proud of you! No matter what, we’re here for you, but remember that life is always moving forward and so are you. Watching you grow is something that makes my heart so happy and I know your Sans agrees with me. I can’t claim to be your biggest fan but I sure can tell you that I’m cheering just as hard as your actual number one fan. -Mod K))
