We all know that Illumi Zoldyck is a manipulator, but there is no other person that he gaslights more than himself.
Illumi is quick to recognize other people's faults, and is aware of the hurt committed against him by his own family. But he is simultaneously so brainwashed to whole heartedly believe that every horrific thing that has been done to him serves a greater purpose, and cannot be abuse if it was all done out of love. Despite it being possessive and controlling and unbearably suffocating.
Illumi doesn't know that:
Love shouldn't make you constantly sneak out in the middle of the night and return in the morning without anyone knowing.
Love shoudn't make you doubt who you are, disregard your own reality, or cast blame on yourself.
Love shouldn't force you to constantly change who you are to appease everybody else.
Love shouldn't make you hyperviligant of anything that you could say or do that would 'set off' your family member in a fit of rage.
Love's true meaning shouldn't be twisted and warped to make sense of everything that is done to a child that is born into the Zoldyck Family.
Here is a snippet from the newest chapter of my Illumi DID fanfic. This chapter is very trauma heavy (Kikyo does not look good in this chapter. No one in the Zoldyck Family is blameless.) Illumi continously disregards all the evidence that he has been dissociating for years. He is heavily brainwashed, blindsighted to his own trauma, and denies the existence of another identity who had the courage to break through to Illumi and speak directly to him. (AMNESIA BARRIERS BETWEEN THEM ARE THICK!)
"There was blood underneath Illumi’s fingernails. He killed someone.
Spilled blood was an assassin’s tell-tale sign of hands unmistakably soaked in death, but this time…an incessant doubt lingered in the back of the young Zoldyck’s mind as he stared absentmindedly scraping away the dried up blood with a sunken, hollow gaze. That thought alone wasn’t enough to frighten him like it ought to. Occasionally killing a target and not clearly remembering the act of whose life he ended, how or when or where, didn’t bother him. Some kills were hazier than others, but getting the job done was all that truly mattered to him, and he always carried out every kill with lethal efficiency. He told himself that it wasn’t necessary to remember every one of his target’s final moments of last screams, helpless pleas to spare their lives, or every panicked attempt to persuade him to change his mind. All of these were meaningless details that never concerned him and were better off forgotten.
Illumi was the eldest son of the infamous White Wolf, Silva Zoldyck, and his education was expected to be nothing less than brutal, cutting edge, and disciplinary, which quickly accelerated him into becoming one of The Bureau of Deadman’s shining protegees rising above his generation. He accelerated through his studies at a very young age and began working in his Family’s generational and deadly trade. They called him a born genius, but Illumi called himself a molotov cocktail where tireless ambition meets iron discipline. Volatile and exceptionally brilliant. He had an ingrained level of flawless accuracy that he was only able to achieve through extreme and vigorous training. Though the training of the infamous Zoldyck assassins remains unknown to the outside world, it is known that they are taught never to fail, for even the slightest mistake on their part could mean certain death. Perfection was absolute, and by the tutelage and guiding hand of his father, Illumi was molded into the perfect assassin."
Fanfic on AO3 : Where Shadows Touch [LINK]
(Disclaimer: HunterXHunter is the property of Togashi Yoshihiro. However, my OCs, their characterizations and backstories, as well as locations including New Bledel City, belong to me and are my own original creations. Do not plagairize, steal, or repost.)
