#ilovemam

[freshpairofoculus-blog]

a shard in a heart, from mother with love

heya, i wrote some words, they’re a bit heavy - read if you want... 

Mother, I was abandoned, rejected by you. 

do you remember my arms wrapped tight around you? 

while your arms were limp 

but then they came tough, 

rough, as you pushed me away pried at my fingers and pulled back your legs.

while arms grabbed at mine and I couldn’t kick,

kick, or scream hard enough for anyone to stop

not even you

stop giving me away 

you thought it was best

and they did too

but I was four and mother knows best 

not four-year-olds; 

four-year-olds don’t know why.

Mother, when you returned with a smile on your face

I wanted to squeeze it and run into your legs 

but you had to know you had broken me now 

and you’d failed in your calling 

so I had to show you, just so you knew 

to validate my screams 

understand my rage 

confirm that what happened was not ok 

I threw on floor those sweets that you brought me 

and it hurt me only more to show you the hurt 

to give you another reason 

besides that one I didn’t know you already had 

to love me less. 

I was quiet all night, Mother, 

a quiet four-year-old, 

sat there just quiet 

quiet and still, shaking, wetting himself 

with a grimacing clenched jaw 

and shoulders all tense 

stressed and traumatised, 

unable to speak 

in case he broke completely 

in case he screamed the panic he felt 

and you would be upset 

and do it again. 

..

You

did

it

again,

mam,

and the stress got so bad I can still taste it now. 

Mother, every time you came back I wanted to love you 

but there was a shard in my heart, 

one put there by you, 

and now I would use it to prick and poke you, 

there it would live, in my own morbid sheath 

a heart and a blade, to show you with 

I was hurt and I tried to love you despite what you did 

Mother, when you need to hate but can only love 

it churns into one, 

too much to hold, for one person to feel 

and now everyone I love, I hate them, too. 

And those that I hate, I love them as well. 

I reach for the heart but instead grab the blade and reach for the blade but instead grab the heart. 

because I kiss with my fists and stab with a rose 

and no one in the world, not a single one knows 

the things I have done while screaming for you 

trying to love, but hating instead. 

I love you with all my bladeheart, 

Oculus

[colorsmaze]

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[margauxvelasquez-blog]

kanina kasi iniwan ko yung wallet sa may table ng classroom. tapos eh nandun kami ni phia si phia nag papalamig tas ako binabasa ko yung The Alchemist (ang ganda ng alchemist. everyone needs to read it. inspiring. naaaaks inspiring) eh bawal kasi tumambay sa classroom pag lunch dapat nasa baba lang. tapos nakita kami ni ma'am rubie kaya pinababa kami. pagbalik ko ng classroom tinignan ko wallet ko. wala nang laman. wala yun pera. tapos akala ko pinagtitripan lang ako. yun pala wala talaga. tas pumunta ako ng nook. para sabihin kay ma'am rubie na may kumuha ng pera ko. tapos nagsinungaling pa ko sabi ko nasa bag ko lang yung wallet ko. Tapos yun bad trip ako buong math pero medyo nawala rin lasi nakakatawa hahaha. After ng math pinuntahan ko ulit si ma'am kasi naguilty ako na nagsinungaling ako sakanya. Tas sabi ko na iniwan ko yung wallet ko sa table. As much as possible kasi ayokong magsimunangaling kahit sobrang liit na bagay lang. "A lie is still a lie no matter how big it is" Tapos yun after ng isang subject inexcuse ako ni ma'am Rubie. akala ko may nagawa nanaman ako. Tas yun pala nasakanya yung pera!! At yun tinuruan niya lang ako ng leksyon sa pagiging burara. Hihi