#ily 219

[youuuimeanmee]

"Manipulation."

Don't go.

Look at me.

Let's play.

Don't say we can't. We can.

Come to me. I want to get closer.

(1/2)

[youuuimeanmee]

There must be tons of things inside Nol's mind the moment his birthday party is over. He must be mulling over what he contemplate during the week after he and his friends parted ways, what lead him up to this point.

Nol has been self-depecrating for years; he was depressed and guilty for what happened in the past. He felt like he doesn't deserve to live and be happy, even if he wanted to. He thought making friends be happy could be his way to atone his sins. But no, he feels like he made everything worse, because he lead them into danger (read: Yui) instead. He endangered them. And he already likes them so much at this point so when they parted, it just leads to another heartbreak.

Shinae calling him a fake person was just adding salt to his wound.

After spending a week mulling over her words, he came to a conclusion that no amount of good deeds he has done will ever be enough to save himself, and he needs to get over his friends because he's undeserving of their love after deceiving and hurting them; Shinae might be the catalyst of Nol's drastic change.

Making friends was a mistake; that's what he believed. That's probably what promted him to go to Alyssa's christmas party because he wanted to forget all the "mistakes" he made. He belonged with his "family," sarcastically speaking. He just wanted to stop giving a fuck to anything. Until he met Shinae again.

She lifted him up, she's using such sweet words to lure him out, she even shared her painful past to try to relate to him. Even after he wrecked her best friend's party and told her to stay away, somehow she still finds her way to save him. She even organized this little party for him. Not to mention, the awkward morphine misunderstanding; yet, she didn't leave. Just how could she stayed by his side after he hurted her from his lies and deceit? He knows how much trust issue Shinae has, so how come she still trust him? Nol really wanted to know.

Then, he saw her gift.

The oranges and the doodle: a reminder of how they meet and the first 24 hours they spent together.

The birthday note: An opposite of what she used to say (Humans suck), and the answer of his question, "why she decided to accept him the first night they met."

Seeing her gift made him realize, maybe, she is the gift all along.

Seeing the oranges and the doodles, he's reminded how lucky he is to have meet Shinae.

Seeing the birthday note, he realized how fortunate he is for asking her to be his partner.

If it wasn't for her, he probably wouldn't even make it to end of the year, and that's not an exaggeration.

She is the mirror that reminded him that he -- the Nolan inside Yeong-Gi mask -- is not okay at all.

She inspired him to try once again with his "family."

When the world told him he's unwanted, she was there to accept him.

They laughed and bickered like old friends.

She gave him a reason to return to this world.

Even after he hurted her, she still hold onto him to share their pain together.

She becomes the bridge to the people who genuinely love him.

She gives him more happiness than he could hold. She gave him reasons to keep living.

And she would not be here if it's not for his efforts to be her friend.

Making friends was not a mistake, it turns out. All the good deeds he has done, it wasn't for naught. All the pain he endured -- especially in the last 3 months -- as Yeong-Gi has finally payed off with a true, loyal friend staying by his side in this moment. She started to make him believe he (might be) wasn't that much of a bad guy, because it seemed like God has accepted some of his repentance. Making friends was not a mistake, or was it?

It's true his perseverance has payed off, but we can't deny all the adventures he went through in the last 3 months is because of Shinae. She has been a force that pushed him to be more involved with the Hiraharas, whether he likes it or not. It leads him to trauma, tears, heartbreaks, even literal injuries... Does it mean Shinae is a curse instead of a blessing?

No, of course not.

Maybe it's just as Nana said; some "mistakes" are worth it.

[youuuimeanmee]

Ep 219 References

This episode has a LOT of references from the older episodes, including from Quimchee's CC! I thought it should be fun to compare them and go down the memory line! Since Tumblr is an ass for limiting 10 pictures only, I'm going to make a long chain post this time. Beware, it's gonna be long. Anyway, enjoy!

1. Introducing Dieter and Soushi to the runaway Nol/Shinae.

2. Proving Nana right. Nana Supremacy.

3. Nol: Also Shinae:

4. How We Met: Soushi and Dieter Edition

Part 1/5

[youuuimeanmee]

My ILY 219 Thoughts

When I first read this chapter on fastpass, my head was in mush the whole day, it feels like I've fallen in love. Even after today, 4 weeks later, I still can't put this chapter down. Everything was so intimate, it might be more intense than any romance media I've read so far. (I swear romance in slice-of-life genre is the best). With all that mush, there's also a silent dread in the back of my head, like, if tonight is the peak of Nolan's happiness since forever, what kind of pain and torture that awaits him in the future? Hhhahah let's stop thinking there.

1. I was pleasantly surprised when Nol was about to apologize to Shinae about the whole awkward-morphine-thing! I thought he's gonna use this opportunity to let her stay away from him, but nope. I forgot this is The Nolan Who-didn't-shy-away-from-Shinae-because-she's special Lochlainn. I should've known, despite the dread of loving (and losing) someone again, he also couldn't let her go easily.

2. The trio! YESS!! I was hoping they'd come! "How are you doing, stranger?" Damn right Shoushi, Nol hasn't introduce himself with his real name yet. "Oh shut up, let us have this!" Damn right Shinae. Just let them love you for God sake.

3. Awww that red blush! That crooked smile! It's the similar crooked smile Yeong-Gi had when Shinae gave him ointment for his scratch!

Nol really is touched by Shinae who doesn't give up on showing her care, despite him pushing her away many times 😭And Daww look at Lil Buddy on Nol's side ready to protect him!

4. Nol:

Also Shinae on ep 2, the first time she met Nol:

😏 Nice throwback Quim 😏

5. Soushi. "It's not like anyone's stealing my lunch money anymore." Is it because Soushi's high school is better than his junior high? Because he has friends who can kick ass now? Or because he kept receiving benefits for being Kousuke's spy? Kinda sus there. BUT! Since he finally realized just how severe Kousuke's relationship with Nol, I should trust him. Plus, Lil Buddy didn't attack him tonight! I trust Lil Buddy who trust Soushi.

6. DUCKIESS!!

If he wasn't impressed before because Dieter only described "Yeong-Gi," not "him," he definitely is now 😭 'Cause the boy who wondered where the duck is in the pond? Now that's Nolan. No wonder Nol is so touched 🥺

7. SoachRoach? Daww Soushi nooo :( I don't want you to consider yourself as a pest! Well, if being a pest means he won't leave Nol alone and continue to be his friend then I don't mind, but still-

8. The "I love you guys!" that Nol exclaimed at Dieter and Soushi, and the silent "I love you so much" that gaze straight into Shinae's eyes is *chef's kiss* 🤌🤌

9. "Shinae! Why are you standing so far away? You're a part of this group too!"

No Dieter, Shinae is a league on her own 😏

10. Haha, the "It's a Girl!" balloon that were changed into "It's a Gift!"? Nice save Shinae, real smooth. And oh, almost forgot. Fun fact, Quimchee said on her cc that if Nol were gonna have a child, he'd definitely want a daughter. Surprise surprise, the balloon Shinae brought on this ep is a gender reveal balloon, with "It's a Girl!" written on it. Quim, are you teasing us? Or is it a foreshadowing 🤣🤣

11. Ngl the panel where Nol is staring at his friends with red/pink sunrise and snowfall is soo pretty it's like shoujo manga. I'm soo sooftt 😭

12. Oh boy. That burger analogy he made is definitely dark. So his birthday is definitely:

1) getting stepped on by Hirahara; and

2) he found his birth/birthday leads to his mom's death/disappereance.

I really hope #2 is just some bs nonsense Yui has told him, but idk. Yui is the master of manipulation, some of what she said might contain some ugly truths, which, could be hard to counter :((

13. "Luck? Maybe bad luck..." Oi Nol, Shinae wouldn't know it was your birthday if it's not for the bible. You won't be able to celebrate your birthday in a good mood if it it's not for the bible. And you definitely wouldn't chase after Shinae in the first place if it's not for Nessa's letter in the bible. So it IS a good luck. How could you forget that?

14. Haha I knew she'd pick the orange! 🤣 But that doodle! I didn't expect her to do that but it's genius 🤣 And that message!

Not only it's a nod to Shinae's line when they first met (Humans suck), it's also the answer of his question earlier!

And it must mean so much to Nol cause, ugh, how do I explain it. For Nol who hate himself so much, hearing "you're a good person" might be a bit too much since it's hard to believe. But "you don't suck that much"? To me, at least, it's easier to take because it means Shinae acknowledged his downsides, but she accepts it anyway. Because she sees some good in him. Because he's special to her. For someone who were used to be told he's nothing? For someone who were told to disappear just a few hours ago by certain someone? That, UGHHH 😭😭

15. Oohh that tapping hand! I remember Nol said he knows how to do scales, so maybe he's playing imaginary piano in his head? Maybe he's reminiscing how his mom used to teach him christmas songs? Don't know if that's really the case but I thought it'll be a nice headcanon :) Shinae must've noticed how lost he is in his own world, so the way she brought him back using a finger dance, it's like she's saying "Don't go. Just look at me." 😭

16. The whole finger dance is so cute, but Nol's darken facee. It's like he's thinking, "Why do you think we can't dance? I don't care how much pain I'm in, I can dance with you. I want to." I swear, Nol's "take your shoes off" is much hotter than any "take off your clothes" from any ML in romance manga.

17. I see Yeong-Gi when I see one. With that smile, that happy remark, and that peek-a-boo? Definitely Yeong-Gi, alright. After he decided to live his life as Nolan, just this once, he wears his mask again to ease Shinae's worry, because he won't let her know alll the pain he felt (maybe I should write an analysis/theories about his motive in the future). He doesn't want to scare her, he wants to see her smile for as long as he could because By Gods he needs it. Their dance is like a sweet, silent goodbye, and they both know it.

18. Lastly, I wanna mention how good Quim is with gestures? Nol is holding only 2 fingers, like he still has a wall that says "I'm only asking you this as a friend. Not that I try to hit on you or anything." Almost like he's scared to invite her, afraid she might be scared of him.

But she's not. She accepted him with her full hand. Yet, he doesn't fully hold her hand because he's not ready to completely accept it, he's not ready to open up yet.

Despite all that, he holds what he can (Shinae's fingers) with all his might, because he's unable to let her go?

QUIMCHEEE 😭😭😭

I wanna write more but it's getting long and there's a pic limit, so I'll continue in another post! I'm gonna dump all my thoughts about what Nol might be thinking the moment he's alone with Shinae. Thank you for reading this far! 😆

[youuuimeanmee]

When he said he's hurt, at first I thought he meant physical injury, but maybe he also meant it emotionally?

Like he'd rather not know the real reason why Kousuke hates him so much, because then, it'd be easier to hate him back. It'd be easier to convince himself that Kousuke and him are simply a complete opposite and never meant to see eye to eye.

Now that he learned Kousuke's true feeling for him, the fact that they really do share something in common, it just... hurts even more to consider all the what-if scenarios... that will never happen.

Because it's just too late.