meme. accepting. @impuriitate.
AN INSTINCT IS what is is. a new one though. all the things that happened, all the things that threatened to happen and even the sole ideas of them happening changed her. there was fear more often than not and panic and thoughts caused by paranoia that she could never explain or suppress. so she readies herself for whatever is to come as soon as he’s too close, too suddenly eyes shut in an instant, no fighting back. perhaps, deep down she thinks she deserves some sort of punishment for all the words she’d spat at him. they were meant to hurt, but they were just. truthful. but then again, when did she ever hurt him by speaking her mind.
as soon as bodies collide ( stubborn & statuesque, the impact is hard, stealing her breath away ) lada’s mind starts screaming, flashes of warning red behind closed eyes. but an older instinct too rises to surface and hands clutch to broad chest. and then nothing. it takes a few more rugged breaths ( anger, frustration, fear. all boiling inside ! ) before she opens eyes and those those icey blue hues stare right back. she expected some sort of fight clearly so did he.
he might as well be the devil himself, though she knew no prayer would send him away. he was her shadow, always there, even especially when she did not want him to be there. like now. because despite all, despite the crude remarks, despite all that he’s done and all she fears he yet has to do, there was something intoxicating in his presence. and she doesn’t know whether the hairs on the back of her neck stand in attention because of the fear or the excitement that always followed, but still her gaze falls to the tempting line of lips. and of course he notices - she knows because the weight of him on her own chest becomes more insistent. she welcomes it. and there is no shame anymore, no reason either. only the shards of painful memories cutting at the flesh of her heart as she moves closer, brushing her lips against alexei’s own, eyes only briefly fluttering closed.
❝ i hate you. ❞ emotion claw their way out of her throat leaving it sore and dry. she repeats again & again and each time there is something more to her words. i hate that you do this to me. she wraps her legs around his waist. i hate the voices inside my head telling me you won’t change. that you’ll hurt me. she takes his hand, guides it up up up stopping only at her neck, inviting. i hate myself because i let you do all these things to me still. a feral growl follows. surely it is something more to be expected from valeriya, fierce and beautiful valeriya. what would she think? lada’s nails trace all the skin to be found, merciless, aching to leave marks, cause pain … for what physical pain could she cause him to balance out the pain leaving her gasping in her bed as she suffocates on memories? she could torture him for weeks and it would not be enough.