To My Incorporeal House Guest
Dear Ghost, Deity, Elemental, Fay, Demon or Other Spiritform that is currently in my house,
I know you were just in the bathroom while I was taking a shower. I saw you. Through the shower curtain. I saw you moving around in there. Don’t EVEN pretend that you weren’t. And, no, it wasn’t my roommates, so don’t even try that. Now, I have never had a problem with sharing the house, and sometimes you give me a spook, but generally it’s all good. However, if I’m naked, STAY OUTTA MY BIDNESS! My living roommates don’t get to just waltz into the bathroom whenever, so you keep your floaty vaporwave ass OUT. You think you get to just waft into my bathroom and sneak a peek at my SWEET BOD and be all “Oh, it’s fine, I’m invisible! He’ll never know!” WELL THINK AGAIN, YOU FARTCLOUD LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER! If you get to see my dick, I damn well better be seeing yours! And don’t be acting all innocent, like, what? You just needed some pepto? YOU GOT NO BOWELS, YOU FUCKING STORMCLOUD. If you really need in my bathroom, you can just fucking knock like everyone else! I know you can, you did it for weeks after I warded my bedroom! EVERY NIGHT! And NO, I will not let that go! If you don’t straighten your Will-O-The-Wisp ass up, I will ward every single doorway in the house. I’ll ward the windows. I’ll ward the fridge. I’ll ward the TV. I’ll ward this place so tight that when you sneeze it’ll be like an ectoplasmic snail exploded inside of a jar! TEST ME, I DARE YOU.
-Love, Obie.