Gods, but I need The Old Guard to let go of my heart, to stop making it feel so godsdamned much! Especially, Nicolo. I don’t know why he has wrapped himself around my heart like barbed wire. But he has. And Luca’s inhabitation of him has utterly ruined me.
You see, if I think too much about Nicky, who he started as, what he’s done, been forced to do, what he’s seen and lived, it just literally makes my chest hurt. That man feels things so very deeply. But what he feels deepest and most profoundly, other than his love for Joe, is the weight of his sins. He knows that some of the things that he has done have deeply hurt those he loves most. And Luca, bless his sweet amazing talented heart, knows just how to poke us with those moments
When they are telling Nile the story of how far they go back and how they met, it’s clear from Joe’s off-handed comment about them killing each other that it has come to be a bit of a running joke among them. But, look at what Luca gives us in literally just two words. Nicky gives his line of the story, “Many times,” as if he’s just playing along with the joke. But the way his eyes and face fall just a little, the way his voice flattens and gets just a little quieter, the small grimace just after he says it... the weight of his violence towards the man who would be his everything is so very clear. It hurts him to acknowledge that he started out not only hating him but hurting him. Nicolo can probably describe with perfect detail every wound he ever inflicted on Yusuf, can probably recall each time he killed him and how long it took for him to gasp his return. He feels each of those wounds like they are his own. But, he will always acknowledge it, own it. Because that is how he becomes the man worthy of the love and family he has now.
Nicky is the one who is constantly talking about the reason for things. He’s very introspective, intentional about everything he says and does. Knowing what he does now about how purpose can be twisted to push people into action, Nicolo clearly wants to serve the side of good. He never wants to find himself in a similar position to how he felt in realizing that the hatred he’d been weaned on and that pushed him to join the Crusade was not only unfounded but flat out wrong, and that he hurt people for someone else’s selfish gain. He makes himself experience the hurt and pain of others to keep that from happening.
I believe it’s why, while Andy and Joe rail at Book for his betrayal, Nicky is the only one who says nothing directly to him. Yes, he feels his brother’s betrayal deeply. But, he also feels Book’s pain. When Booker speakers of his (and Andy’s) grief, I think it hits Nicolo very hard. No one knows better than Nicky how damn lucky he is to have Joe, and to get to keep him forever. He lives with the fear of losing him after more than 900 years every day. It’s why he and Joe ALWAYS look for each other first. It’s why a Nicky tries to calm Joe when he’s railing at Booker; he thinks all the time of all the ways things could be different, and who he would be if Joe had not become a part of his life and forced him to realize those truths. And Luca’s beautifully subtly emotional performance gives us all of that.
And, as a reward for putting up for my rambling, I give you Nicky’s Joe smile. Because we all need this kind of radiance in our lives.
