Today is one of the darkest of days where I'm struggling just to breathe. It's 219 am and I'm sitting by a creek in a nearby alleyway. I think I'm finally reaching the end of something whether it's me or the likes of ever having this man even so much as cross my mind again but in reality I think the latter is more accurate. Thought I had made a good friend. Some much needed soul sharing but it turns out their intentions were not like my own. I should be FUCKING used to this by now but here we are. Today is a special fucking day cause not only am I processing my recent downfall of what I thought was my happy ending, but today I got to experience this twice. He pretended just to get laid. I could not describe one single thing that breaks my soul more. After all he said that it's all I am good for, but now he says I'm not even good for that. I really need some self worth. Something to cling me to life. Something. Anything. I need a friend. I need a therapist and every single day and night I'm just praying for hope. I'm scared, really but I'm so shattered my heart is so low that I really would not be against something ending all this once and for all. Today I was walking to a friend's and I made myself eat a mango jolly rancher. I absolutely am obsessed with jolly ranchers except I absolutely despise the mango flavor. I thought to myself that I was going to force myself to eat the mango one as a form of punishment. Cause that's what I deserve for allowing myself to be put through this. I need someone to tell me I'm not crazy and that he is just the shittiest type of person for leading me on when he knows that I HAVE and WOULD HAVE given absolutely fucking anything. I am so tired I just want to curl in a ball here in the middle of this alleyway and just pray for God to lead me out of this pif of hell. At least til I fall asleep. Everything is better when I'm sleeping.. so much FUCKING better.
