#ineffable cooking

[ineffablecooking]

Ineffable Cooking Presents:

An Obscenely Historically Accurate Apple "Turnover" (An inaccurate recipe) 🍎🥧

From Temple of the Muses

By @ajconstantine

Obscenely accurate? Yes. This is a historical fiction AU set in the Victorian era and every minute detail has been researched incredibly thoroughly...that apple detail in the intro? The author and I spoke. She did the research. Apples were not in season in the month of April in England in 1841. So she wrote apple preserves into the story.

And we stan.

"Turnover" Filling Ingredients:

3 pounds (about 7-9 apples) baking apples, peeled, cored, and sliced thinly

1 tablespoon lemon juice

½ cup (100 grams) packed light brown sugar

¼ cup (50 grams) granulated sugar

1–½ teaspoon ground cinnamon

¼ teaspoon grated nutmeg

Pinch salt

2 tablespoons (14 g) cornstarch

¾ cup + 2 tablespoon fresh apple cider, divided 2 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 tablespoons unsalted butter

(This pampered chef product has followed me since the early 2000's and I plan to be buried with it)

Direrctions

1. Add apples, lemon juice, brown sugar, granulated sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg and salt to a heavy bottom pot. Stir together and let macerate at room temperature for about 15 minutes. Add ¾ cup of apple cider to the pot, and stir the apples one more time. 

2. Turn the heat to medium and begin to cook the apples, stirring occasionally to make sure the apples cook evenly. Cook until the apples have softened, about 10 minutes, making sure not to cook off all of the liquid. If the liquid does cook off quickly, add ⅓ cup more apple cider to the pot.

3. Create a slurry by whisking together the cornstarch and remaining 2 tablespoons apple cider together in a small seperate bowl.

(I put that last part in bold because mistakes were made. The blur is me frantically whisking cornstarch)

4. Pour the cornstarch slurry into apples and stir together until dissolved. Continue cooking until the mixture is thickened, about 2-3 minutes. 

5. Remove from heat and stir in the vanilla and butter.

Often turnovers are made with puff pastry. But for what I wanted ro do to achieve the heart shape I used pie crust.

(Pillsbury is standard)

Also why is "Turnover" in quotes? Because:

"turnover, individual pie formed by folding a piece of pastry in half over a filling. The open edges are pressed or crimped together to enclose the filling during cooking and eating. Turnovers may be baked or fried."

-Google

And because of the process involved, we can't legally call these turnovers:

6. Position a rack in the middle of the oven and heat the oven to 425 degrees. Line another baking sheet with parchment paper (Or cooking spray. Or not. You do you.)

7. Cut several heart shapes out and spread on a baking sheet

7. Take your filling and spoon very very small amounts onto half of the hearts on the sheet

I cant emphasise how messy and it was trying to seal the hearts close. If you think you didn't put enough filling onto your spoon, you're wrong. Trust me it's plenty.

8. Seal the hearts by pinching the edges together as best you can (a fork wouldn't work because I wanted to keep the hearts small and the amount of filling kept pushing it out the other side of the pocket)

9. Cross your hearts!!

10. Do an egg wash and top with some sugar.

11. Bake for 20-25 minutes or until golden

These "turnovers" were amazing and I believe I ate the majority of the ones pictured in this photo. I didn't even want to attempt to do a foldover tenchnique, hence the cookie cutter, but honestly I doubt I could've made something remotely this cute, this successfully, this quickly.

HIGHLY recommend the filling recipe, and you know what I recommend make all food heart shaped, because Aziraphale's right, that is darling!

[ineffablecooking]

Ineffable Cooking Presents:

Foreplay blueberry lavender cheesecake 🫐🍰💜

From Slow Show

By @mia-ugly

Since I first read this chapter, back when Slow Show was a WIP, I have wanted to make this cheesecake! I've thought about it so often, it sounded so good and I just really really wanted to try it.

I love lavender. It always makes me feel like a magical forest fairy has prepared my food. But, lavender is--tetchy. Very easy to go from faint floral flavor to mouthful of perfume. It's why I went the subtle infusion route with this recipe:

Lavender Simple Syrup

I incorporated into my cheesecake via syrup. To do that, it's a super simple Simple Syrup Recipe

Preheat oven to 350 Degrees Fahrenheit

Cheesecake Crust

You can make a cheesecake crust out of anything. Crushed vanilla wafers, ginger snaps, Oreos, etc.

I wanted to stay on blueberry theme for the crust. So I got a bag of freeze dried blueberries to grind up and add to a standard graham cracker crust recipe:

Blueberry Graham Cracker Crust:

3/4 graham crackers

1/4 freeze dried blueberries

4 tablespoons melted butter

2 table spoons sugar

Add the sugar, dried bbs, grahms to food processor. Get a spring pan out (I used 9in, but you do you💕) and grease the inside ring of the pan. Take the bb and grahm mix and sprinkle it on the side. Shake off any excess and put it back with the rest of the graham and blueberries.

Add the melted butter to the cracker mixture. Resist urge to eat entirety of melted butter, graham, and blueberries mixture. Had a spoonful. Was amazing.

Spread on bottom of spring form pan. I tried a few things, but the measuring cup was by far the most effective at pressing down the crust. Bake for 10min at 350.

Batter

1 cup plus 4 tablespoons sugar

2.5 lbs cream cheese

3 tablespoons flour

1/4 cup lavender syrup

4 eggs

2 egg yolks

1/4 cup heavy cream

Beat the cream cheese until it is soft and fluffy, about 2+ minutes. Mix the flour with the sugar and add it and the lavender syrup to the cheese in thirds, mixing after each addition.

Add the eggs and the yolks to the batter one by one, beating after each addition. Add the heavy cream and mix again.

Toss in some fresh blueberries

Wrap the outside of the spring pan in aluminum foil (this is to help fight against cheesecake cracks). Then pour in the batter. Then put her in a bath and pop in the oven for 90 minutes at 350. And don't even think about opening that oven door before the timer goes off. (That sounded mean but that's how I was taught. I'm sorry 😔)

She's been through a lot today. Let her cool down on the stove for a while (an hour to be safe) before going to sleep in the fridge for the night.

Blueberry Lavender compote:

1 1/2 cups blueberries (I used frozen here)

1/4 cup water

3 tablespoons sugar

lemon zest

1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract

pinch of salt

3/4 teaspoon lavender

1 cup of blueberries and 1/4 cup water in the food processor. Pulse a few times till jammy but a little chunky. Empty into a small saucepan (smaller the better). Add the sugar, lemon zest, vanilla, and salt. Bring to a simmer over medium heat.

Add the remaining half cup of blueberries.

To get the lavender flavor, I steeped it in, like a tea. So I tied some lavender into a cheesecloth and steeped it while the compote thickened. About 10 minutes. Then let it sit for 20 more minutes.

(Note: Compote is a bit too sweet for me. So eventually decided to add full fat Greek yogurt to it. If you can get Fage, I recommend it. Not too much, but enough to get a nice consistency without losing the blueberry lavender flavor.)

Once completely cooled it was time for compote to meet cake!

Shout out to my friend Chef Charlotte for brainstorming with me! She's on insta and is brilliant and wonderful!!

So glad to finally have made this! I shan't be haunted by this unmade dessert anymore!

when I make this again I will definitely be a) using more graham and bb mixture for crust b) making a lavender sugar in addition to the lavender syrup and c) a full teaspoon of lavender to steep in the compote.

Definitely enjoyed. (I like to think Avery would have enjoyed it too.) Looking forward to trying again!🫐🫐🫐💜💜💜💜

[ineffablecooking]

Ineffable Cooking Presents:

Sonoma Valley Shepherd's Pie w/ Goat Cheese Mashed Potatoes 🐐🧀🍷

From Old Vines

By @sevdrag

Know one thing and one thing about me: Goat cheese. I take goat cheese extremely seriously. Seriously as in it is my goddamn job to eat as much as possible when available. Goat cheese or chèvre is the most loveliest and versatile of cheeses. From savory dishes, to desserts (will never forget the goat cheese maple ice cream I had one summer in Chicago) it's the most magical fucking thing.

If there was ever a way to turn a dish or recipe up to 11, it would be finding a way to add goat cheese some how .

And we are living in goat cheese renaissance btw! Blueberry vanilla gc, everything bagel crusted gc, omg the honey gc!! It's a magical time for chèvre right now.

And that brings us to this recipe. There was never a doubt what it was going to be. I love Shepard's pie. It's the perfect comfort food. And so rich and lovely. And then I saw the goat cheese mashed potato twist. And it sealed it.

Let me tell you, this was the best Shepard's pie I've ever eaten. I'm extremely prejudice because of the aforementioned gc, but this is the only way I'm Shepard's pie from now on is this recipe.

Let's do it.

Mashed potatoes:

3 pounds large Yukon gold potatoes

5 large garlic cloves

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

7 to 8 ounces garlic-and-herb goat cheese, at room temperature. Plain is fine.

4 tablespoons (1/2 stick) unsalted butter, at room temperature 

1 1/2 cups sour cream

1/2 cup half-and-half or milk (I used heavy cream cuz I had it)

1/2 cup or however much you want freshly grated Parmesan cheese

Place the potatoes, garlic and 1 tablespoon salt in a large pot with enough water to cover the potatoes. Bring to a boil over high heat, reduce to a simmer and cook for 20 to 25 minutes, until very tender.

Drain the potatoes and garlic. I can't recommend this to everyone, but I used a food processor to incorporate the garlic into the potatoes with interesting results:

While the potatoes are still hot, stir in the goat cheese, butter, sour cream, half-and-half, 4 teaspoons salt and 2 teaspoons pepper until smooth.

Set aside while getting the beef mixture ready.

Ground beef part

Crushed Tomatoes (I prefer colavita boxed and that's what i used but one regular can is fine)

1/2 Yellow Onion

20 ounce Ground Beef

3 Celery stalks

2 tablespoon Flour

3 Carrots

2 teaspoon Garlic Powder

Beef Stock Concentrate

Trim, peel, and halve carrot. Chop crosswise into ¼-inch-thick pieces. Finely dice celery (the most satisfying veggie to chop imo). Finely chop onion.

Heat a drizzle of oil in a large (I went too small and suffered for it), preferably oven proof, pan over medium-high heat. Add carrot; season with salt and pepper. Cook, stirring, until slightly softened, 2-3 minutes. Add celery, onion, and a large drizzle of oil; season with salt and pepper. Cook, stirring, until veggies are just tender, 5-7 minutes. TIP: If veggies begin to brown too quickly, add a splash of water. Stir in garlic powder. cook until fragrant.

Add beef to pan with veggies and season with salt and pepper. Cook, breaking up meat into pieces, until browned and cooked through, 4-6 minutes. Add flour; cook, stirring, until thoroughly combined, 1 minute.

Add the crushed tomatoes ¾ cup water into pan with beef mixture. Stir in 1/4 cup beef stock and bring to a boil. Cook until mixture is very thick. Turn off heat. Taste and season with salt and pepper. TIP: If your pan isn’t ovenproof, transfer mixture now to a baking dish.

Mashed potatoes meet beef mixture

Top the beef filling with an even layer of the goat cheese mashed potatoes, leaving a gap around edge of pan.

(Note: I put nearly all the mashed potatoes onto the beef filling. And you know what happened? Gravity. The density of the mashed potatoes pushed the filling to the edges. The ratio to potatoes to mixture favored potato heavily.

But it was still the best Shepard's Pie I've ever eaten so in the end the lesson is just because you have a ton of amazing mashed potatoes does not mean they must be added to the mixture. However delicious it may be.)

Anyway

Top with parmesan. Personally, I went a little wild with the shredded parmesan and used maybe over a smidge over a cup....

But is there ever a thing as too much cheese? Not in this house.

Broil until browned, 3-4 minutes. Serve directly from pan.

And of course would it be an Old Vines recipe if we didn't have wine? (Or any other meal for that matter lol)

Our zinfandel:

From now on whenever I make shepherd's pie, this is now my preferred method. Goat cheese mashed potatoes or go home. And it's all thanks to @sevdrag fantastic fic. If you haven't read it, please do.

And if you're feeling bold, you might have room for some of Tracy's wedding cake too 😉

[ineffablecooking]

Ineffable Cooking Presents:

Newt's Birthday Chocotorta (aka Heaven Sauce Cake) 🎂 🇦🇷

From Sit Tight, Take Hold

By @nieded

When I started reading Sit Tight, Take Hold it took over my life. Over 200,000 words and my life came to a halt till I could finish it. It's that good. And it needed a dessert to match the quality of the story.

That brings us to the chocotorta. An Argentinian dessert eaten at family gatherings and birthday parties.

The star ingredient is dulce de leche. If you're not familiar, you need to be. It's the closest thing to heaven on earth. It's my favorite most decadent thing ever and that's what makes this recipe oh so dangerous...much like story itself.

Dulce de leche: Buy it already made or make yourself. I make no claims over one's superiority. Either is fine. But if you're like me, you def need 2 cans (your cake can and your snacking + decorating can)

I did the home-made version which is hella easy:

Dulce de leche (Caramel sauce aka canned heaven)

2 cans Sweetened condensed milk.

Peal labels off of cans.

Boil water (enough to submerge cans completely) and place cans onto their side so they can roll around.

Boil for 3 hours replacing water as necessary (important to keep cans submerged the entire time while boiling). Wait till cans cool completely before opening.

Filling

14 oz dulce

16 oz cream cheese

2 Tbsp mascarpone (optional but I had some so I used it)

Whip the cream cheese first to get it nice and fluffy then add your dulce then add the marscarpone.

Cookie Layer

Chocolate cookies

Cold cup of coffee

Some kinda coffee liqueur to add to your coffee e.g. Kahlua or bailey's. Whatever you want.

Get a dish deep enough with the intent of layering. I lined my casserole dish w parchment paper and made sure there was enough over the sides.

Dip cookies in spiked coffee and start building a bottom layer.

Start layering

Spread or pipe or whatever the dulce filling on top of the cookies then do another dipped cookie Layer. Repeat that process till you run out of filling. I topped the cake with a dark chocolate ganache, so I made the filling the last layer. But you do you boo boo.

Note: if you decide you don't want to do the ganache just finish with the cookie layer and garnish with some dulce and chocolate shavings but do let it sit in the fridge!

Pop in the fridge for 2 hours. Then start the ganache.

Ganache

1 cup heavy cream

8 ounces dark chocolate chips

Summer one cup heavy cream in a saucepan over medium heat. Once in simmering pour over chocolate chips let it sit for 1 to 2 minutes before you stir.

Wait till ganache is at room temperature then take the cake out of the fridge and pour ganache over cake.

Note: dark chocolate ganache is RICH. Use a light hand when pouring.

Pop back in the fridge for a minimum of 4 hours.

Garnish

Chocolate shavings

Dulce

Any dulce you're willing to part with, top with the cake. Otherwise just inject directly into mouth and call it a night.

If there was a dessert that could represent Formula 1 I think this would be it. It's decadent, extremely rich, traditional, and very easy to enjoy.

If you haven't read Sit Tight, Take Hold you definitely should (though at 200,000 some odd words, make sure you clear a weekend out)

As a midwesterner I love cream cheese and as a human with a pulse I love dulce so when I saw this recipe I was ecstatic and I was so happy I got to make something from this awesome story. Looking forward to more adventures on the Rainbow road!✨🌈

[ineffablecooking]

Ineffable Cooking Presents:

The Emotional Support Cranberry Turkey Burger 🦃🍔

As featured in:

Under Construction

By @summerofspock

Under Construction is one of my favorites and when this burger was mentioned it kept sticking out to me for some reason whenever I thought of this fic, so I wanted to give it a shot.

Let's do this: this is a cranberry jam turkey burger with brie (brie and cranberry are bffs. Always have been, always will be).

I like to think the town Under Construction Azeriphale lives in probably has a microbrewery artisanal cafe or two in it, so there's def gonna be brie on a casual dining menu somewhere.

Cranberry jam

1 cup fresh cranberries

3Tbs sugar

1/4 cup water

4 Tbs orange juice

Orange zest

1/8 teaspoon cinnamon

Put everything in saucepan over medium high heat. stir a few times and bring to boil reduce heat to simmer, stirring occasionally for about 10 minutes. You'll see the cranberries start popping open and the sugar dissolve. Remove from heat and cool before transferring to a jar or bowl.

Total time: 25 minutes

Turkey burger

1 lb ground turkey

Celery finely diced, about 1/2 cup

red onion finely diced, about 1/2 cup

1 clove garlic minced (or however much you want)

1 cup Pepperidge farm herb seasoned classic stuffing mix (gold standard. If this flavor hadn't been available I would've quit. Never settle.)

2 tbsp chopped parsley

2tbsp chopped sage

1 large egg, beaten

1 tbsp Dijon mustard

freshly ground black pepper

salt

4 Tbsp unsalted butter (half a stick)

Gonna start the burgers by sauteing the veggies. So frying pan, medium high heat, throw the butter in. Add the celery, the onion, some salt and pepper, and stir for a bit till it looks softened up. Then add garlic. Saute for another minute. Scrape it all into a mixing bowl.

Add the ground turkey, stuffing mix, egg, Dijon, parsley, and sage, to the sauteed veggies. Mix. Add salt and pepper. Mix again.

Shape into a burger patties and toss back on the frying pan about 5 to 6 minutes per side. (Low to medium heat).

After your first flip, add the cheese.

It's not easy being cheesy. Nor is it to "thinly slice Brie" . Do your best, it's all cheese in the end.

Notes on hamburger buns: Potato.

Assembly:

Highly recommend toasting the bun, but like with all of this recipe, you do you, fam.

I spread a bit of mayo and Dijon on the bottom bun, and added some mustard greens. Then just threw the rest together:

Serve with whatever side you want but given a choice, I'll always go onion rings. Recipe is here and blindly followed because I don't have much experience in onion ringing:

The turkey burger doesn't get a lot of respect. But this could def go 10 rounds with any angus

I love Under Construction and turkey burgers w cranberry jam and Brie and I wholeheartedly recommend both 😊

[ineffablecooking]

Ineffable Cooking Presents:

Lavender Thyme Cake w/ Lemon Glaze 🍰🌿🍋💜

From Garden Project

By Snae_b

So clearly I have a thing for lavender as this is my second lavender dessert. So when I saw it in Garden Project, I knew what my next project was.

Thyme is fragrant and awesome in food. And I was eager to see how it would do with lavender in a dessert food. Ultimately there was a lot of lemon zest because I knew it would taste really good with the thyme and lavender and I was right. It was amazing. This cake is all about the sugar. That's how these flavors are incorporated into its ultimate tastyness.

Thyme Lavender Sugar

Lavender Sugar

Set 1 Tbsp. lavender. Grind and comine with 2 cups of sugar. Use this to make some lavender sugar for topping.

Cake part:

½ cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature

1½ cups all-purpose flour

¾ teaspoon kosher salt

¾ teaspoon baking powder

¼ teaspoon baking soda

2 teaspoons lavender

A lot of thyme. However many you can tolerate de-stemming

2 cup sugar

2 tablespoons lemon zest

2 large eggs, room temperature

½ cup milk

3 tablespoons fresh lemon juice

Directions (suggestions):

Preheat oven to 350°. I used a Bundt pan for this and greased with cooking spray.

Whisk flour, salt, baking powder, and baking soda in a medium bowl; set aside.

Place sugar, lavender, and all that thyme you exerted a fuck ton of effort extracting from the stems (unless there's some tik Tok trick Idk about), and lemon zest in a food processor. Pulse until lavender is finely chopped.

Using an electric mixer (or whatever you use)beat lavender-thyme sugar and ½ cup butter in a large bowl until very light and fluffy, 5–7 minutes (don’t shortchange yourself here; the long beating time aerates the cake and yields the finest texture).

Add eggs one at a time, beating to blend after each addition and scraping down sides and bottom of bowl as needed.

Combine milk and lemon juice in a small bowl (we're making buttermilk).

Reduce speed to low and add dry ingredients to lavender-thyme sugar mixture in 3 additions, alternating with buttermilk mixture in 2 additions, beginning and ending with dry ingredients.

Stop mixer just before all dry ingredients are incorporated and finish mixing by hand, a guarantee against overmixing the batter, which can cause the cake to be tough. Scrape batter into prepared pan and smooth top with a spatula.

Bake cake until a tester inserted into the center comes out clean, 55–65 minutes. Transfer pan to a wire rack; let cake cool in pan 20 minutes before turning out and peeling off parchment. Let cool completely.

Lemon Marscarpone Glaze

The story called for lemon verbana cream. I would have had to grow my own lemons to achieve this. Since I wanted to get this recipe done within the next 5 years, I used a Iemon marscarpone glaze.

4oz. Mascarpone cheese, softened

2 cups powdered sugar

1 teaspoon can sub pure vanilla extract

4 tablespoons lemon zest

4 tablespoons of milk Tablespoons whole milk (adjust to whatever consistency works for work)

Throw it all in a bowl and mix. Then put it on the cake.

Topping

Lavender Sugar

Sprinkle some on the cake.

Edible Flowers

Are these edible? Probably not. But for the purposes of meeting the story requirements we're gonna do it for the photo.

I was so surprised and delighted by this! If you're a person that grows their own thyme or wants to try something new I definitely recommend this. It was earthy and sweet and light and wonderful 💕

I can't wait to make this again (the marscarpone cream set this off. Holy shit🤤❤️)

It was also really easy to make. If I was a certain new Anthropology Professor wondering if I was on a date with a Botany Professor, this is what I imagine the cake they made would taste like!😇😈

[ineffablecooking]

Ineffable Cooking Presents:

Fish and Chips 🐟 🍟

From:

Every single Good Omens fic, ever.

My point is there are some foods that are best left to the professionals with industrial grade fryers.

[ineffablecooking]

Ineffable Cooking Presents:

50 First Dates Curry Chips🍟

From Echo

By Snae_b

Echo takes place in the Lunacy universe, which is how I was first introduced to Snae's work. And if you haven't had the pleasure, I highly recommend it. If you take anything away from this post it would be that (and to absolutely try these fries).

Curry chips were pretty prominent in Echo. And maybe they're as ubiquitous as hot dog stands are here in the states but I've never had them. And I love curry, and I love french fries so I wanted to give them a shot:

To do this I decided to followed my favorite chicken curry recipe but omitted the chicken.

(Basically empty your kitchen cupboard into this recipe)

Curry Sauce:

Curry powder: 3 Tablespoons

Paprika-1 teaspoon

Grated fresh ginger- teaspoon or more

Whole fat Greek yogurt-1 cup

Coconut milk- 3/4 cup to start, more to adjust consistency

2 cloves garlic or more

Small onion chopped

Bay leaves- 1

Tomato paste- 1 tablespoon

Half lemon juiced

Ground cinnamon-1 teaspoon

Cayenne pepper-1/4 teaspoon (more if you like it spicy omit if you don't)

Salt-to taste

Sugar- 1/2 teaspoon

Olive oil- 3 tablespoons

Heat olive oil in a skillet over medium heat. Saute onion until lightly browned.

Stir in garlic, curry powder, cinnamon, paprika, bay leaf, ginger, sugar and salt. 

Continue stirring for 2 minutes. Add tomato paste, yogurt, and coconut milk. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer for 10-15 minutes.

Remove bay leaf, and stir in lemon juice and cayenne pepper. Simmer 5 more minutes.

Later after it simmered it gets kinda thick, too thick for what I was trying to do. So I added more coconut milk to thin it out

Chips:

1 russet potato

Canola oil

Salt

Chop to french fry shape.

Soak them in cold water for 30 min to an hour (longer the better). Rinse twice, and dry them off as best you can.

Fry for 5 minutes per batch. (Trying not to overcrowd the fryer when frying)

Then fry again for another 5 minutes.

Goal is crisp. The crispier the better.

Salt fries immediately

Plate the fries and pour the sauce and you got curry chips.

Holy shit this was ridiculously, ridiculously good. I ate this far too quickly. I'm making this again as soon as possible.

Curry chips aren't a thing in the states but they should be cuz goddamn this was amazing.

Looking forward to making this again, and most likely another Echo/Lunacy reread! 🙂