Long rant ahead.
I feel like I’m constantly torn between developing a superiority-complex or believing that I’m stupid, worthless and a waste of human mass.
On one hand, I feel like I have far more to offer than others may perceive, but their perception is limited by my dreaded shyness. They have not seen enough of me to know that I’m more funny, intelligent and witty than they think. I’m underrated. I sometimes want to be a cold bitch towards everyone because I owe them nothing and that they are mostly beneath me. Sometimes I believe most people are stupid and insipid because all they seem to do is talk about vapid things with no real depth. They just mill around pointlessly and talk about rubbish. Sometimes I just want to detach myself from everyone because I don’t care about them and resent them.
On the other hand, I don’t want to develop a superior attitude. I think that I’m just useless, dumb and absolutely nothing. I believe I have nothing to offer in the world and that I’m this shell of a human being that would never be able to pull off a superiority complex. I’m not intelligent, witty, funny, pretty or particularly good at anything. I also care about people and no, I am definitely not too smart for them to comprehend. Maybe I’m far too dumb and whiny for them. A superior-complex for me would be an empty and poorly-executed façade as well as a fragile one. My dad himself said ‘well, people are just stupid and some of them are just there to get in the way whatevs’. Unlike me though, my dad has accepted being unsociable.
I know that if I keep this …inferiority-complex, my grades will decrease. I will be seen as more pathetic and pitiful, which I don’t want. If I get the superiority-complex, I may just look stupid because I actually am not intelligent. I’m just painfully average. If I let the sense of superiority develop, I could turn into those pretentious snobs I have always despised. I know that neither extremes as a whole will be good, but if I could choose I’d rather act superior. It’s easier to tone things down than to bring it up.
The little beginnings of the superiority complex were born from my own bitterness and spite towards social experiences and life. The bitterness I taste when I get overlooked and overshadowed, the jab of self-loathing and disappointment when I am once again bested by a friend in an assessment mark, and my frustration when nobody notices when I do brighten up and change my demeanour for you fuckwits. I hold a mild resentment towards people in general because I’m never the one they want to talk to. Sometimes I completely ignore it. On a bad day I believe it’s because I’m boring. On a different day I would think that they’d rather stick with their own kind to continue talking about the rubbish they’re comfortable with. I usually hide and suppress the superior side pretty adeptly.
Something about me drives people away. Is it because of my lack of mainstream interests? I like reading some books, but I fucking swear that nobody reads nowadays. The things I am interested in don’t have topics that can produce on-going conversation. If you don’t know what I mean, some examples of things that provide on-going conversation are things like K-pop and League of Legends. Why? Because these things themselves are ongoing, therefore you will always have something new to talk about. There are new songs, new albums, new bands and news for K-pop. There are many games, updates, skins, techniques whatever for LoL. Do not tell me to ‘just get interested in things’. Interest cannot be forced. I could tell you to ‘just get into politics’, or ‘just get into maths’ or whatever you have zero interest in.
Am I bitter because I’m lonely, or am I lonely because I am bitter?
On the internet, I mostly go on Tumblr/Youtube and occasionally post smart-alecky comments on Facebook. I can sometimes make people chuckle but I don’t make them like me.
If you’re going to give me a pity-comment, please don’t. Don’t give me a vague, empty and most likely false compliment either. I’m also not right the way I am because I will never be content as I currently am. Instead, if you must comment give me good advice in steps. If you only tell me to ‘just talk more’ I will fucking punch you. ‘Advice’ like this to a shy person is as helpful as dangling a single step of a ladder high in the air where they have no means of reaching it.