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Mother’s Day

To the woman who is tracking every period and every ovulation cycle,

To the woman saving up for IVF,

To the woman who just had her second miscarriage,

To the woman whose baby was stillborn,

To the woman going through a failed adoption,

And to the woman who has been told she will never have children,

Your struggle is felt, it is understood, and it is real. This Mother’s Day, my heart and prayers are with you beautiful, strong women. May you find peace on this day and solace in knowing that you are not alone in your heartbreak.

#Mother's Day #IVF #Miscarriage #Failed Adoption #adoption #infertal

Mothers Day Thoughts

Well it is another sleepless night. My mind if full of so many thoughts and I can't quiet them for a second. I am hoping that if I wright some of my thoughts down I can sleep. So lets give it a go shall we? Mothers Day a day of such joy, once used to be a day of much sorrow for me. You see I have been wanting a child since a year after my husband and I got married. I thought I was pregnant a few times but the tests always came out negative. Every year when mothers day came around I grew very depressed. Not only was I not a mother, but my own mother was 400 miles away. I would go to church with my husband that Sunday and always have to leave to the lobby when they would pass out gifts to all the mothers at church. Sometimes I actually cried in the bathroom. It wasn't by choice that I wasn't a mother. I so desperately wanted to experience all that there was to being a mother. Then in 2009 my brother (who, to be polite as possible has nothing going in his life) got his girlfriend at the time pregnant. You must know how I felt when I heard the news. I, who would climb mountains to have my child finds out my dead beat (oops that wasn't nice) brother gets his girlfriend (who isn't all apple pie and cherries herself) pregnant. Yes my heart sank. It should have been me I kept telling my self. We have been trying for 6 years with nothing to show for it. Then my brother forgets (or didn't care) to use protection and then gets to be a father. To me life was officially unfair. Yes I was 27 and acting like a child. My husbands sister also announced that same year that she was expecting her 5th child. Which for her it wasn't a surprise. She is a good mother and gets pregnant at a drop of a hat. I would never want that many kids but yes, at the time I was a little envious. It seemed like everywhere I would go I would see pregnant women. I felt like a had a hole in my heart. When it came closer to the date for my new niece (from my brother) to be born I felt this stored love for this child that I have never felt for my other niece's and nephews. I love them all but for some reason I felt differently about this one. I went shopping and had so much fun buying clothes for her. Maybe in part to the fact that any accuse to wander the baby section was a good day for me. (Yes I had a secret collection of baby items.) Then on December 17th 2009 she was born. A beautiful and healthy girl. (Her name is left secret due to the situation I am about to tell you.) A week after she was born my mother calls me to let me know that my dear brother and his girlfriend do not love this precious child and don't want to care for her. After much talk with my husband we agree to take her into our home. There is much more drama in between the time I got the phone call to the time I picked her up and took her home but I will spare you the details. It involves other family and such that need not be said. This is getting way longer then I had planned but I'm still not sleepy. Summing up the next year we ended up spending the year not in adoption but just getting custody of the child since the mother couldn't make up her mind. The first mothers day when the baby was 4 months old was awkward for me. I had so many mixed feelings. Should I celebrate this day? I had her for nearly 4 months. She responds to me like her mother, but the state recognizes me as a guardian only. I got a gift at church, but I felt I didn't deserve it. The year passes quickly and this little girl has us wrapped around her little finger. She ended up being a daddy's girl, which is fine I love how he loves her. My parents came down for her 1 year birthday and to my dismay her birth father, my brother. It was very uncomfortable for all of us but I wont turn him away. Now that we have had her over a year I finally feel like a mommy. Her first word was mommy :). She later said dadda too. We have finally started the adoption process and it will be completed before she is two. I will keep you posted on that detail. Now that mothers day is approaching once again I feel confidant to stand with the other mothers in church. The longing to get pregnant has never gone away and I hope someday I can experience it and give my daughter a brother or sister. But for now I will enjoy the miracle I have received 2 winters ago. Happy Mothers Day everyone!

#Baby #Child #Children #Infertal #Mom #Mothers #Mothers Day #Pregnancy #infertality #heart ache

And a Man sat alone, drenched deep in sadness. And all the animals drew near to him and said, "We do not like to see you so sad. Ask us for whatever you wish and you shall have it." The Man said, "I want to have good sight." The vulture replied, "You shall have mine." The Man said, "I want to be strong." The jaguar said, "You shall be strong like me." Then the Man said, "I long to know the secrets of the earth." The serpent replied, "I will show them to you." And so it went with all the animals. And when the Man had all the gifts that they could give, he left. Then the owl said to the other animals, "Now the Man knows much, he'll be able to do many things. Suddenly I am afraid." The deer said, "The Man has all that he needs. Now his sadness will stop." But the owl replied, "No. I saw a hole in the Man, deep like a hunger he will never fill. It is what makes him sad and what makes him want. He will go on taking and taking, until one day the World will say, 'I am no more and I have nothing left to give.'"