#informsly

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ARTISANAL ASIAN EGG POP-UPS

My friends Clark and Bronwyn know a gay couple who recently transformed the decimated remains of a heavily-radiated Staten Island mental hospital into an Asian-themed artisanal Bloody Mary bar and pickeled egg pop-up. 

It’s called Pyong Yegg. 

It’s open every third Wednesday from 5-10am. The whole crew checked it out last week after the crowdsourced all-night Shia Laboeuf docu-musical in Red Hook. We were hand-harvesting the rubble-grown celery swizzles (it’s a DIY joint) when out of nowhere Clark pretended to shart. And then he sharted for real. And we were all like... laugh emoji face. But IRL.

The lesson? Millennials value authentic, hand-crafted, personalized experiences. 

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CARPE-ING THE NOW LESS TRAVELLED

Millennials don’t do generic. They don’t do big box. They don’t do canned, pre-made, synthetic McSperiences.

What they do do is ignore reality, have untenable dreams, get shit-canned on a toxic mix of booze, self-righteousness, and bad decisions.

But —this is important — they don’t do it the old way. They do it with innovative technology, expensive coffee, and vintage bicycles. They do it in bespoke clothing in out-of-the-beaten-path places they saw on a Celebstagram feed.

They do it in a way that is unique, hand-made, and most importantly — absurdly expensive.

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SPIRIT ANIMALS

Millenials are NOT about status. They are not about titles, actual achievement, or any other old person way to try prove your importance.

Millennials are about mystery, adrenaline, and EXPERIENCE. The bolder and authenticker the better. I’m talking things like free climbing, meditation, and riding a motorcycle across a super authentic country filled with poor people.

So that’s what they do. And when an ayahuasca-fueled spiritual communion with a  baby doe on a mountaintop at dawn isn’t handy, then they do the next best thing: they snort a bunch of generic Mexican Adderall and dry hump on a busted beer pong table at an overpriced hovel in Bed Stuy.

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GIVING

Millennials are doers. They will not be slowed down by things like negativity, HPV, or legally binding contracts. They will not read some boring thing when they could be living boldly and authentically. Which is why they will always sign the terms of service without reading them.

And here’s the bonus: millennials are also influencers. Baby Boomers and Gen Xers (wrongly and sadly) imagine themselves to be 25 also, so they blindly adopt many key millennial behaviors.

THEREFORE: if you want something, or anything, from anyone, just put it in the terms of service. Private information, photos, money… even actual blood…  Millennials will give it to you. Because millennials are givers.

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AUTHENTIMAGERY

I recently heard an art theorist discussing humans’ primal memory of their first experience of light while exiting the birth canal, which was disgusting because he was old and his ideas were gross and boring.

So we left and went to a barge party where Earl Sweatshirt and Dakota Fanning were spinning hard house and chillwave until 5am.

When the sun came up I was making out with Adrian Grenier’s cousin, who then took us back to Adrian’s industrial loft space in Bed Stuy where his maid (?) served us fresh-baked blackcurrant scones.

Point being, millennial marketing should incorporate imagery which tells a bold and authentic story that looks like the feeling of being served post-coital breakfast pastries at a celebrity’s house.

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CONNECTIVITY

If you want millennials to live your brand promise, you can’t just speak at them. You have to engage them.

They’re not half-deaf old geezers who fought in some dumb war. They’re open, they’re creative, and they’re always connected. Boldly, authentically, digitally, and intimately connected. 

Case in point: The rapid evolution of dick pic technology. And for those of you that are still on the fence about sending cock shots to randos, get on board. Technofuturists say this rocket ride is just getting started.

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BOLDNESS & AUTHENTICITY

Above and beyond everything else, millennials love boldness and authenticity. Unlike every other generation, they are uninterested in things that are boring, lame, and cowardly. 

They like bold people, authentic objects, and bold and authentic ideas and action. That’s why they’re always saying things like, “I love how bold and authentic that was,” “My best friends are all really bold and authentic,” and “Let’s go be bold and spontaneous. And also authentic.”  

Examples include: skateboarding, intensely flavored snacks, and going to places poor people live.