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What would happen if Tony and Bruce swapped bodies due to magic????

((Oh dear fluffy Lord, anon - I couldn’t stop writing this one. So it’s a nearly 9K monster, and I’ll probably keep on editing it for mistakes ‘til the day I die because I am a problematic child. But here it is, below the cut. Enjoy! :D))

I think they’d both…treat the incident like scientists. Maybe (Guest starring: Stephen Strange!).

***

It was supposed to revise Tony’s AI data transference programs..

Something high end, something Bruce would agree to. Something that could have fantastic implications for neurological disorders and, well, side bonus the ability to “trade thoughts” (or so Tony said; Bruce was less sure about that part).

But they’d just begun with preliminary tests and hadn’t expected any real world applications…until some “demon” from Doctor Strange’s house of horrors decided to terrorize midtown. And wasn’t that just ducky, to go chasing a live, six-foot World of Warcraft beast that made no sense on a good day, but definitely not on Friday at 4:30 pm.

“This is your damn dirty imp, Strange,” Tony growled through the coms. “Why aren’t you here to catch it? Why’s it now suddenly our job?”

“Because it’s the only one left on earth,” Tony heard, “and I’m trying to keep the rift shut so the others don’t spill out.” He really didn’t like Strange’s eerie echo in his helmet; the mystic was using some of his mumbo-jumbo to communicate because he was off-world, or something.

“That, and I’m also on the astral plane.”

“Oh, yeah. Right. Of course.” Tony hoped Strange could see his eyes rolling through his armor. “And stop listening to my thoughts, will ya? That’s just…creepy. Anyway. I’ve got eyes on your pet. It’s headed for Central Park.”

“Did you find the thumb drive at my apartment?”

“Bruce did. He radioed me five minutes ago, that he’d cobbled together the program for the stasis field per your instructions, and he’s waiting for me to bring back your pet.” Tony watched with narrowed eyes as the creature caused two car collisions and a businessman stampede, before it winked out of existence, and suddenly appeared a few klicks south from its previous location.

Shit…He needed to wrap it up yesterday.

“Manhattan has leash laws for a reason, Strange.”

“I apologize, they all came through the rift rather unexpectedly, and with their abilities–”

“Nah, nah, nope. Don’t wanna hear it,” Tony said, zooming past a surprised lady walking a cat. “I’ve had enough weird magic in my life, and I don’t want any more. Just tell me how to catch the fucking thing and spare the commentary.”

Tony swore he heard the mystic snort. “Very well. Did you create the tractor beam?”

“If you’re asking if I created a gravitational pull by redesigning my tech, then yes. Tractor beam? Bitch, please. That is so 60′s Star Trek.”

“Fine,” Strange said, ignoring Tony’s quip. “Then as soon as you’re over the demon, use your…beam ‘thing’--” Tony sighed “–and keep it from touching any space. It can teleport, but only if it’s touching something solid first.”

“Which explains why no one’s been able to catch it.”

“Exactly. So you have to be careful, don’t let it hear you coming. And do not, under any circumstances, let it touch you.”

“I’m not stupid, Strange. Well. Not as stupid as some self-proclaimed Harry Potter, letting his pet escape and terrorize Manhattan.”

“Just get the creature, Stark.”

Tony laughed a little in his head. Served Strange right, for the hell he’d put them through.

***

The hard part, funny enough, wasn’t even catching it. Once it saw Central Park it froze in its tracks, and Tony was able to fly over it, and contain it in his grav-field. It struggled a little and tried scraping a clawed toe across the asphalt, but Tony flew a little higher so it couldn’t get near the ground. “Stay still, ya little rodent,” he muttered to it.

But once he got to the helipad of the tower, he had to change directions in a rather awkward way in order to keep it from touching the ground. “Bruce,” he said, switching the audio to the lab’s feed. “How close is Strange’s stasis field to the window?”

Pause. “Tony…please no.”

“Got to, Brucie Bear. This thing is spitting some kind of curse at me and you know what you’re like at four AM when we have an Avenger’s emergency? This thing is worse than you. So, yeah. Window, if you please.”

And by some kind of curse, he meant that this ugly mofo had some kind of acid spit that was reacting with his armor and causing his suit to emit weird fumes, enough to make him dizzy even with the filters going at high speed. Which was probably reason number one why Strange told him not to touch it. “You got it?”

Tony heard a quiet grunt, and the left rear emergency lab bay window opened at a crawling speed. “Have you ever attempted flying through this? It’s not exactly…large.”

“Bruce, hon’, when fully opened it’s large enough to fit two of you, side by side. I’d call that pretty large.”

“Very funny,” Bruce muttered. But Tony already knew he was kidding. “Go ahead. Ease yourself, and Mutanus the Devourer through. But be careful, dammit.”

Tony was close enough to see Bruce’s worried face, and he nodded at him. “Like threading a needle. But for your safety, step a little further back. I’m gonna have to come in pretty hot and at a weird angle, to keep this thing from touching anything.”

“What–? Why?”

But Tony had already begun calculating his sideways angle, and was coming in even before Bruce finished his thought. “I’m gonna try ‘throwing’ it into the field. Get ready to catch.”

“What?!”

Bruce said he was terrible at improvisation, but he really wasn’t. Not when it counted. So when Tony hoisted up his hands and used not-so-gentle force to thrust the demon from his gravity well (where it went flying, just like the end of a triple-play to home base), Bruce only swore twice. And seconds before the thing bounced off the floor, Bruce had adjusted the electromagnetic cage for Tony’s speed and trajectory, and had their little monster safe and secure in a cube of solitude.

“See? No problem.” Tony lifted his faceplate just as Bruce whirled on him angrily.

“Tony–! What if I’d missed? I almost didn’t compensate in time!”

“But you did, hon’. That’s the important part.”

Bruce snorted angrily as Tony went in for a kiss. As their lips connected, he ignored the nagging feeling in the back of his head. I’m getting as paranoid as Bruce, he thought fuzzily, but he didn’t mind; Bruce’s kiss was knocking him senseless, like a bottle of cheap rotgut.

“Tony,” Bruce mumbled dreamily. “Wait…some-something’s–”

“Mm. Love you too, Brucie Bear. Need to get Steve down here, and start on the main course.”

“No, ah. I mean.” He shook his head slowly, and Tony felt his own head spinning. Maybe spinning too much.

Wait. Oh, shit, the bastard’s fumes–

“Sirs, I’m detecting an unknown contaminate–”

Tony had just enough energy, even as Bruce flopped heavily across him and knocked both of them unceremoniously to the floor. “Jarvis,” he slurred. “Protocol 1-A. Now.”

“Already in progress, Sirs…”

He fought against the darkness as hard as he could, but within seconds his vision grayed out.

***

“Tony! Bruce–!”

Bruce groaned low in his throat. Someone was calling his name, his and Tony’s, but they sounded so far away…and his head hurt. Like he’d been–

Shit.

“Did…I hurt anyone?”

“Sir?”

Holy hell, his voice sounded…weird. But also familiar. Somehow. He was still facedown on the floor of his and Tony’s lab (he could tell that much; one of Tony’s bots had begun circling near him, as if in distress). But at least the lab floor, what he could see of it, seemed free of debris. A good sign; maybe Hulk made nice, for once.

Yeah. Right.

Blinking - because everything hurt, and he wasn’t sure if moving would be a great idea, he said the one thing he hoped made sense.

“Jarvis, status?”

“Unsure,” the AI said. And that was as strange a thing as he’d ever heard. Jarvis was never unsure or uncertain of his data. “The contaminates that previously saturated the lab have dissipated, but I’m detecting high levels of it in your bloodstream, and in Doctor Banner’s.”

“You mean me and Tony’s.”

The AI paused for too long. “Doctor…Banner?”

“Yes, Jarvis,” Bruce said. He frowned; he wasn’t wearing his glasses, but his eyesight seemed okay. Jarvis, however, was apparently malfunctioning.

“Tony!”

Bruce lifted his head, finally hearing Steve, and saw his panic-stricken face through the glass. He made a slow motion to sit up, finding it both easy and hard at the same time. He felt off, but maybe it was whatever they were hit with. It definitely made his voice sound funny. He made a small gesture to Steve to mollify him, but he wasn’t about to expose the man to whatever he and Tony got hit with.

He’d deal with Steve in a few minutes, after his head quit spinning.

“Doctor Banner,” Jarvis began slowly. “There’s been an accident in the lab. Apparently Mr. Stark returned with a contaminate, at the same moment you restrained Dr. Strange’s creature. Both you and he were exposed to it.”

“Yeah,” Bruce thought muzzily. Where was Tony, anyway? It still hurt too much to move a lot…”some kinda knock-out accelerant? Is the creature secure?”

“The results of the gas seem to have mollified the creature, somewhat. It appears to be asleep. However, Dr. Banner, an alarming complication has also occurred.”

“Hm?”

Still woozy, Bruce glanced around, and saw an arm from a lab coat peeking around the edge of an upended table, and his glasses (unbroken, fortunately) somewhere near the coat. Had Tony put on a lab coat? Odd. He didn’t normally…

“Tony–?”

He scooted unsteadily towards the glasses and picked them up, but he still felt out of sorts. “Tony, are you–”

Bruce saw the figure on the floor. Then he did a comical double take at himself before scrambling back with a half-yelp, half-gasp. And when he caught his reflection in a stainless steel cabinet, an honest-to-god, seven-year-old girly scream leapt from his throat.

***

Tony was fairly sure he’d shoved Bruce away in time to secure Strange’s creature of the night, but he wasn’t exactly thinking on all four cylinders. Still, despite what he knew his brain was telling him, he wasn’t in any huge rush to wake up. His limbs and body felt weighted, and exhaustion pulled every part of him into oblivion.

“Tony! Bruce–!”

That sounded like Steve, but Tony really couldn’t be bothered. Not yet. The heaviness in his limbs dragged him further down, and he felt himself sinking deep, into…something else. He’d rest for a little longer. Just a few more minutes. Just until the world stopped hurting and spinning. He probably should’ve been more alarmed, but didn’t completely come to until he heard a loud gasp, followed by a creepy screech. Which…sorta sounded like what he sounded like, when he found that spider in the bathroom. But he wasn’t gonna think about that.

“Jesus,” he mumbled. He attempted to pull himself up, but his whole body felt like he was trying to wrestle hundred-pound sacks of flour. And he must’ve hit his head, because his vision was too blurry - he felt and sounded like he was underwater.

“Stark…Stark!”

Strange. That was Doctor Strange, in his head.

“Oh my God–Tony!”

And…who–? Was Strange throwing his voice around the room? Holy fuck, it was too goddamn early for this otherworldly shit.

“Strange–?”

No. No, he didn’t sound like him at all. He sounded like–

“Tony–?!”

He slowly shook his head back and forth as a hand attempted to grab his arm. God, why did he feel like lead? After effect from the fumes, maybe? “Yeah, m’okay, I’m–”

He looked up. He couldn’t see. Someone fumbled some…eyeglasses on his face? He blinked, suddenly seeing–

“Gaah! Fuck!”

“I know, I know! What the hell happened?”

“He looked down at himself, at his body. Then he realized why he felt like he was carrying around huge sacks of flour. Because he was.

He was in Bruce’s body.

B…Bruce–?” Expression hardening, he thought at lightning speeds, trying to piece together any answers.

“Stark…there?”

“Strange–? Just…hold on. Hold on a second–”

“You’re damn right it’s strange!”

“No, no. I mean–” He sighed heavily and looked up, watching as Bruce in his body, nervously wrung his hands and chewed his bottom lip. It was weird, seeing himself in someone else’s body. But he couldn’t think about that right now. Couldn’t think of anything but just what needed to be done, in whatever way they could do it.

“Bruce, hon’,” he said, regretting the deep timbre of Bruce’s voice, with his words. “Calm down, okay? Something…something happened. I think it’s because of that thing I brought back. It was givin’ off some toxic gunk, and–”

“Goddamn it, open this fucking door!”

“Steve,” they said, locking eyes on each other.

“Okay,” Tony sighed. He shook his head, trying to clear it, but it wasn’t easy. Not at all. It was all too much, and it hurt. “Jarvis, are we clean from any other fumes?”

“There are no other contaminates detected, and the creature appears to be hibernating now…sirs,” the AI said slowly. Tony realized then that this was probably tough for the AI to understand, too.

“Good. Bruce, use the manual override to open the lab door, but don’t say anything to Steve yet. Just open the door, and let him come over to where I am.”

He grunted. “Jesus Christ, Bruce. I honestly don’t think I can stand. You really are a huge dude, babe. Not that I care, but moving mi-i-ght be an issue right now.”

Bruce smiled nervously and half-shrugged. Seeing the lack of confidence in his body, was too freaky. “Um, I’m sorry–”

Tony shook his–Bruce’s–head. “No. Don’t say that. And don’t worry, we’ll figure something out. Just get Steve. I think I’m still connected with Strange, so maybe we’ll get more answers from him.”

***

It took an hour to get things sorted and Steve still kept giving them side glances, as if he didn’t completely believe they’d body swapped; not that Bruce truly believed it himself. But he had to; he felt too manic and too wired to be in anything but Tony’s body.

He made a face. Tony seriously needed to cut back on his coffee intake, if he felt like this all the time.

“So…this is Doctor Strange’s mess?” Steve began slowly.

“Mostly,” Tony said. Bruce shivered watching Tony’s characteristic glare, beneath his own wireframes, but they had other concerns besides viewing each other in the others’ body. Because he wasn’t exactly sure what would happen if it happened.

“What else did he say?”

“Not a lot,” Tony sighed. “He started fadin’ on me, so we may’ve lost our connection for now.”

Steve sighed heavily. “Great.”

“It is what it is, Steve. Strange is tuned to my actual thoughts, but he’s having problems tuning in. Probably ‘cause he’s in his damn ‘mystic realm,’” Tony airquoted. He caught Bruce and Steve’s skepticism, and waved off their expressions. “Yeah, I know, I don’t get it either. I got this much from him, though: This imp thing was attempting to swap bodies, using its toxic spit as a catalyst. And it almost worked, because its stupid, timey-wimey saliva swaps souls, or some shit. But with Bruce in the mix, the fumes ended up swapping Bruce and me instead, and the creature stayed in its own body. Its trick backfired.”

Steve rolled his eyes at Tony.

“Hey, don’t shoot the messenger, that’s just what Strange said! It’s fucking nuts, I get it. But it happened, so fuck me if I know what to do.”

“Tony,” Bruce said softly, calming him down.

Steve first stared at Tony in Bruce’s body, then Bruce in Tony’s, and finally pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’ve got a headache.”

“Join the club,” Tony growled. He tried folding his arms, but was having problems doing it across Bruce’s massive chest.

Bruce sighed and ran a hand across his chin, and made a face when he touched Tony’s beard. “Did Strange give any indication on how to reverse the process?”

“He kept fadin’ in and out, but I think he has an idea - a crazy, mystical one. But I think he has to be here in the flesh, and he’s not sure how long he’ll be. Time flows differently, he said. What might be a minute for us could be a week for him, and vice-versa. So he might be here in an hour, or–”

“Or in weeks,” Bruce said miserably.

“You got it. Or longer.”

“I can’t wait weeks!”

“You? Hell, Bruce. I think I’d end up starving you to death.” And they all suddenly heard Bruce’s stomach rumble. Loudly. “See?”

Bruce sighed heavily. “Well. If only that were the least of our problems.”

Tony and Steve looked up warily, but Tony got it first. He gulped, and Bruce found it funny, seeing his own Adam’s apple bob comically. “Ohhhh, fuck me…”

“Yeah. It’s probably the reason you lost contact with Strange, too.”

“What?” Steve said, but then it hit him, and he tightly shut his eyes. “You mean the Hulk.”

Bruce nodded and gestured to Tony. “The body swap doesn’t change the fact that Hulk’s presence is still in my body. But if Tony loses control, it won’t be my consciousness keeping Hulk at bay - it’ll be Tony’s alter-ego.” Bruce nibbled his lip. “I…I don’t know what’ll go down if that happens, but we have to stop it from occurring at all costs. I think, somehow, we’ve been lucky that the body swap weakened us a little. But I don’t know what’ll happen once our bodies recharge.

“So Tony, you’ll have to remain calm. At all times.”

“I know, Brucie,” he sighed, running his fingers through his hair. His curls. “I know. But I don’t have a lid on it, not like you.”

Bruce smiled sadly. “No one does. Until we figure something out or until Strange returns, it’s probably best if you stay in or near the Hulk containment pod.”

“Agreed,” Tony said, but he definitely wasn’t happy about it.

“Well,” Steve said, with a sigh. “I’ll stay down there with you. To keep you company.”

“And try and stop me, too,” Bruce said. “Between the three of us, we’ll figure something out that works, until Strange returns.”

***

A few hours later Tony wasn’t any happier about staying confined than before, but at least Bruce’s deep breathing exercises weren’t causing him to freak out any worse than before. Whether or not that was a good thing, he wasn’t exactly sure.

“That’s it,” Bruce murmured. “In through the nose, out through the mouth.”

Okay, but no. “God. Is that what I sound like? I swear, it’s no wonder I pissed off so many people. That’s the most grating noise–”

“Shh. Tony, take this seriously–”

“I wish I could, but c’mon. You–I look silly. I can’t take myself seriously.”

Bruce opened an eye and glared at him. “Do you want the Hulk to tear up your basement?”

“No, of course not. But…Bruce. Dude. When was the last time you ever saw me meditate?”

Bruce made a face. “About as often as I’ve said the word, ‘dude.’ It’s just as weird for me, Tony, and I’m ready to climb the walls in your hyperactive body. Why didn’t you tell me you felt like this?”

“Brucie,” Tony sighed. “I’m used to it. Probably the way you’re used to being hungry like, 24/7, and not snapping at everyone every five minutes for a burger, or some shit. Speaking of,” he said, glaring through the Hulk-proofed plexiglas, “where the hell is Steve with our lunch?”

“He’s coming. Be patient.”

Tony jammed his hands in Bruce’s lab coat pockets. “Yeah, well, he needs to pick up the pace…” Frowning, his fingers rummaged around the pockets, and he pulled something out. “Hel-lo,” he purred, discovering a jumbo-sized candy bar. “What’s this?”

“Oh, right.” Tony watched as his cheeks reddened, from Bruce’s blushing.”I ah. I keep those in my lab coats sometimes.”

Tony had already torn off half the wrapper and was shoving the candy in his mouth, even before Bruce quit talking. “Ohh. Ohhhh...”

Swallowing, Bruce watched in fascination as he watched his body actually shiver. “Oh my God, Bruce,” Tony said, mouth still full. “Fuckin’ A. Why didn’t you say anything? Holy shit–”

Bruce frowned, and swiped a glob of chocolate that had dripped down Tony’s - his - chunky chin. “About what?”

“Your taste buds.” Tony moaned, and Bruce felt his jaw go slack. Was that…was that what he looked like? No wonder Steve and Tony got off on his expression, for lack of another term. His body adjusted to the sight, and his hormones - Tony’s borrowed hormones - were pumping a lot of blood, down south.

“I could have sex right now. Does everything taste like this, Bruce?”

He shrugged shyly. “Not sure. Maybe…? Let’s just say I’m used to it.”

Tony delicately licked his fingers. “Or maybe I’m hungry. Either way,” he sighed softly. “I’m glad I got to experience it. And I sure as hell am excited to try more.”

Bruce felt his apprehension rise. “Tony…”

“What? I’m not going to go crazy. But, seriously. Dude. You have amazing taste buds. It’s like everything’s ramped up, and wrapped in candy and bacon. It’s worse than crack. Not that I’ve had crack, but still–”

Bruce put a hand on his shoulder. “Okay, okay.” Bruce sighed softly, and met Tony’s eyes. “I never said anything. But maybe I should’ve.” He looked Tony slowly up and down. “But I get what you guys see now. It’s…”

“Babe, don’t say it–”

“–fascinating.”

“Ugh. He said it.” Tony shook his head fondly, “Original series Spock is so overquoted.”

Bruce chuckled at their old argument, but didn’t argue the point. Instead he reached over to squeeze his stomach. The sensation was amazing with Tony’s fingers; he was all soft and doughy, with so much give. Bruce kept prodding himself but smiled when Tony moaned a little. “I want this back, y’know,” he sighed. “Watching you enjoy so much of life makes me want my body back. Makes me want to do…things to you and Steve.”

“Mm,” Tony growled deeply, sending another shock to Bruce’s (Tony’s) groin. “You little minx–”

“It’s your hormone levels,” Bruce interrupted. “You’re talking about my taste buds, but your sexual feelings are…”

“Are–? Yeah…?”

“Yeah.”

“Um.” Tony saw it, then. The same gleam in his eye that his past - and present - lovers have either run from, or embraced. “You know,” Bruce said. “We could…ah. Probably make the most of this, until Strange returns? I mean, it’s weird, but–”

Tony caught on immediately. “We need to explore it. You know, see it from the opposite perspective. For scientific research.”

“It’ll probably weird out Steve, though.”

“So he watches this time.”

Bruce licked his lips, which looked absolutely decadent across Tony’s goatee. “Once, maybe. But we’ve gotta find a way to swap back. Like, soon.”

Tony grinned like a Cheshire cat across Bruce’s borrowed face. “One turn. Then we try fixing it, with or without Strange.”

“Agreed.”

They almost got started right then and there, had Steve not arrived just in time with lunch.

“I can’t believe it,” he whined, holding out a food bag. Tony grabbed it from him immediately and rooted around in the bag before plucking out a huge wrapped hamburger. “You two were going to go at it. Without me.”

Bruce looked down guiltily while Tony’s decadent murmurs over his burger kept distracting him. “I-It wasn’t on purpose, Steve. We just got…lost in the moment.”

“Sorta like getting lost in this burger,” Tony said, mouth full. He took three large bites and swallowed quickly, while digging in the greasy food bag for his second round. “I think I’m having sex with your taste buds, Bruce. Hm. Cap, you get any other condiments?”

Bruce smirked at Tony. “Careful. I don’t eat hamburgers every day. It may seem like I can put it all away fast - and…well. I can. But the stomachaches from eating too quickly are also very real.”

“C’mon guys–”

Tony piped up while grabbing some dipping sauce to go with some french fries. “Doubt we would’ve started to be honest with ya, Steve, ‘cause I’m too hungry. Bruce, man. You’ve gotta tell us when you’re starving. We can always hold off from sex. You should eat first, y’know?”

“Mm,” Bruce murmured. But he didn’t say much more. Instead he cautiously took Steve’s hand. “We also weren’t sure if this would be uncomfortable for you. Because we’re not exactly us.”

“Yeah…I know.” But Steve’s eyes were hooded as he witnessed Tony choking down his food, like a ravenous dog. Bruce had to tug Steve’s hand, to get his attention.

“Hey. One more thing, and I’ve gotta ask,” Bruce sighed. “Steve. Hey, Steve - listen. This is important to me, okay?”

“Hm–?” Steve snapped back, and a small blush began disappearing from his cheeks. “Sorry, T–I mean Bruce. Dammit, sorry. This is tough.”

“I know it is,” Bruce said gruffly. Steve gave him his full attention now, and Bruce thought Steve was doing fairly well, considering Tony was finishing up his second burger. “I’m…a little worried by your expression, and I’ve seen it a couple times in the past hour. It’s not just the kink, is it, Steve?”

Steve’s mouth fell open and he was about to protest, when Tony’s moan shoved down his retort. A choked squawk tumbled from Steve’s lips instead..

“That’s…unfortunate,” Bruce murmured, believing he had his answer.

“No, Bruce. Stop.” Steve tsked and took both of his hands, and looked - really looked - deep into Bruce’s borrowed eyes. “There. There you are. There’s the man I fell in love with. I can see him, peeking through.”

Bruce sighed heavily. “I want to believe you, but the way you’ve just acted–”

Steve tightened his grip. “Bruce,” he admitted, “your body is a piece of the puzzle, sure. But I could watch porn on the internet, if that’s all I cared about. I could watch headless bodies gorge and stuff themselves. I could tune in weekly, for weigh-ins. I could read fiction and fantasize.

“But, Bruce,” he said softly. “None of those people would be you. The sorta, kinda shy introverted scientist, who makes me laugh, and believe in myself. The guy who’s part of the total package, while Tony’s the other part. The one who helps me realize my worth in this confusing world. Thing is,” he whispered. “I know you’re you. I fell in love with you. And if god forbid, if something happened, and you and Tony had to stay like this, yeah, I’d hate it. But I’d figure out how to deal because I love both of you, different bodies notwithstanding.”

A watery grin tugged at Bruce’s - Tony’s - lips. “You mean it?”

“Of course I do, Bruce.” He pulled the man close to his chest and hugged him. Bruce shut his eyes a little, reveling in the close contact. It’d been awhile since he’d felt either Tony or Steve’s arms completely encircling him. He was way too big these days for either of them to hug him so closely.

“Ah-hem,” they heard, and both turned to see Tony wiping off his (Bruce’s) chin with a napkin. “Not that I’m jealous, here, but…I’m jealous. Hurry up and eat up, before I eat up for you. ‘Cause we got some sexin’ to do.”

Steve made a face. “That sounds…really wrong. Your body with Tony’s words do not go well together.”

“But it’ll feel right, once we get started,” Tony said, and the brow-waggle (again) looked terrible on Bruce’s features.

Bruce shook his head. “C’mon, Steve. Best not to let all that energy go to waste. But,” he said, suddenly serious. “We should take it slow, so nothing goes wrong.”

***

So of course something went wrong.

Of course.

He’d been so. Fucking. Careless–!

Bruce gripped his newly-slimmed hips and angrily paced the lab. “Nothing?”

Tony shrugged and shook his head while tugging the hem of Bruce’s extra large undershirt. He felt far too exposed, since a good portion of his (Bruce’s) belly peeked from beneath, and he opened his mouth to say something about the snugness. But after catching the fury in Bruce’s glare (and how scary was that shit, seeing his own rage reflected back), Tony shut his mouth. He’d bug Bruce later, after they swapped back. “No,” he muttered. “Strange isn’t ‘picking up’ or whatever. Our connection’s still out.”

Bruce dug his fingers into his sides until they began aching. He reached for his face, searching for the glasses that no longer framed his face. Knowing they weren’t there made him even angrier. “I fucked up. I should’ve–”

“No. Don’t do it, Bruce.” Tony came over and held out his arms, and Bruce sunk in. The sensation was like falling into a giant, absolutely heavenly, marshmallow. Bruce sighed, imagining he was in a super soft cloud.

Tony briefly pulled him back, forcing him to make eye contact. “We all thought we’d be safe enough.”

“Steve paid the price, Tony!”

“It was me this time, okay? You’ve got nothing to feel bad about. The Hulk–” Tony paused as a flash of memory caught him off-guard, but he shoved it down. “The Hulk came out of me, Bruce. He body slammed Steve a few times, and then went back to…wherever he goes. But I could’ve said I felt off or funny; I chose not to. I put us in danger.”

Bruce shook his head. “But I knew better, Tony. I definitely did. I was so fucking caught up in the moment, I didn’t–.”

Tony cut him off. “All three of us were caught up in the moment, Bruce.” Tony allowed his thicker lips to twist, and they turned to a salacious grin. It looked more obscene than usual, on Bruce’s ordinarily placid face.“We had some fun while it lasted, though.”

“That’s not…that’s not anywhere near funny, Tony.” Bruce felt himself vibrating with fury, and it was an emotion he seldom allowed. But he could now, being in Tony’s body. “Fuck you, he could’ve been killed! Hell, if I hadn’t gotten us out in time, it could’ve killed you and me! We don’t know what’ll happen if one of us gets hurt, or dies in the others’ body, or–” Bruce’s breath hitched. “We can’t wait for Strange. We have to try changing back, right now.”

Tony folded his arms across his chest, and stared him down with Bruce’s glasses half down his nose. “Oh, okay. So fine, Bruce. Show me where in the lab we have that special, super sciency soul-transferring equipment, then.”

Bruce glared at him, his eyes as determined as they were angry. “We do. Remember our AI data transference project?”

“Whoa, whoa. Waitaminute. Slow the fuck down, Banner.” Tony held up his hands. “We haven’t fucking tested it. And even then, it was only going to be used for complicated AI systems. Are you honestly telling that me, that you want the first, and only human trials to be us? Are you out of your damn fucking mind?”

“Yep, but to be truthful, both of us are, aren’t we?” Tony rolled his eyes at Bruce’s dry quip and watched as he rolled his sleeves and headed for their lab. “But I’m not sure how much time we have left. We have the machine, but we don’t have Strange. Maybe we can synthesize a vial of that knock-out potion from the creature–”

“Yeah, um. Wait…” Tony hesitated, and Bruce finally slowed in his tracks.

“What?”

Tony sighed. “I think you’re letting my energy fuel your reactions and it’s a little scary to see up close, but I get it now. The whole, ‘act first and think later’ schtick was increased by my physicality.”

Bruce snorted and bounced on the balls on his feet. “Maybe. But I’m still me, Tony, just faster. And I don’t think I’m wrong about the swap capabilities of our project.”

“But if you are wrong, we could be trapped in some weird limbo state.”

“True. The risks are real. But so is the Hulk.”

Tony shook his head, but rumbled through a sigh. Truthfully, he felt the Hulk pushing at his skull, threatening to take him over - and wanting to, since his little taste of freedom. He hadn’t told Bruce, but he didn’t think he could control Hulk for much longer.

Besides, he kind of owed it to Steve, who was currently sleeping off a good thrashing.

“Okay,” he murmured. “But we need some failsafes. Let me program JARVIS so we can take it nice and slow.”

Which weren’t words he ever expected to leave his lips, any time soon.

***

Steve woke exhausted and a bit sore, and somewhat disappointed that his lovers weren’t surrounding him. Maybe it was a bit petulant of him, but he liked when he awoke in Tony and Bruce’s arms. He understood, kinda, because they had one lover that trumped them all - he just didn’t like it.

So when he shuffled down to the lab (limping, because he didn’t mention the healing ankle fracture; Bruce didn’t need to know that), he smiled sadly. Knowingly. Yep. Again, the fourth member of their trio that needed no introduction. Steve would never fall in love with science, like they did. But he’d made peace with it.

“JARVIS,” he sighed. “What’re they working on?”

“Modifications to the sirs’ data transference project,” JARVIS immediately answered. The AI saw no need to lie, but Steve frowned anyway. JARVIS correctly intuited his pause, and further explained. “They’re attempting to replicate the body transference, from the demonic creature’s chemical makeup.”

Steve felt his heart leap to his throat. “You mean they’re trying to bodyswap back? Without Strange’s help?”

“Apparently, Captain Rogers.”

Dammit…now he was steamed. How dare they–

“JARVIS, can you get me in there?”

“Certainly, Captain Rogers.”

***

“No, no, Bruce. That’s not–”

“But it’ll work if–”

“Dammit if you just listen to me, you’d–”

“No, because if you do that, we’re gonna have to move–”

Steve put his thumb and forefinger in his mouth and blew, freezing Tony and Bruce in place.

“Ow, man. Seriously?” Tony tugged his earlobe and fake-yawned. “You seriously had to whistle at us?”

“Steve,” Bruce murmured. “You could’ve just said our names…”

“No I couldn’t have,” he grumped. “Because I’m pissed. At both of you.”

They came up short, then. “Why?” Bruce asked. Although the cute owlish act in Tony’s body wasn’t lost on Steve, he purposely lay his feelings aside.

“Because. You’re working on this bodyswapping thing. And it’s dangerous. But you didn’t include me in any of your decisions.”

The two finally looked ashamed, but Steve wasn’t done glaring at them.

“Sorry,” Tony finally said. “We got caught up–”

“–in the moment,” Steve finished for him. “I know you did. Like you always do, when you’re working. But we talked about this, didn’t we? That we make decisions like this together? Especially when they concern all of us?”

Bruce scowled, noticing how Steve favored one leg over the other. “Are you okay?”

“Don’t change the subject,” Steve barked, but Bruce eyed him warily. Steve knew he wouldn’t pacify him long, but he only needed a few more minutes. “I think it’s a rotten idea that you aren’t waiting for Strange, but I get it; you’re worried. But your worry might cause you to make dumb mistakes. Mistakes you can’t afford.”

Tony and Bruce sighed in tandem. “Yeah, we know,” Tony admitted, and Bruce gestured to Steve, while jutting his chin at a table. Grimacing, Steve hopped up, while Bruce bent down to check his ankle.

“We have to work fast, Steve.” Tony puffed out his cheeks, which, admittedly, was adorable with Bruce’s frame, but still–

“We’re…merging.”

Steve looked confused as Bruce prodded his ankle. “Wait, merging? What do you mean?”

“He means we’re losing parts of ourselves,” Bruce said, while grabbing scissors, gauze, and athletic tape from a nearby cabinet. “We’re discovering that our individual bodies are influencing our personality matrices. In other words, Tony has a lot of high energy, due to his chemical makeup, and so I’m reacting to that. He, on the other hand, is responding to my body, and tends to be…”

“Sluggish,” Tony responded, without any self-effacing humor. “It’s true, though. I actually think before acting, for once.” He smiled, but his grin was a bit wan. “I think Bruce has always been sorta like that though, body notwithstanding.” He glanced at Bruce for confirmation, and the physicist nodded.

“Unfortunately, we’re on borrowed time, too. The Hulk is pushing hard, and I don’t think we have more than a few days before something bad happens.”

Bruce nibbled his lip and slowly wrapped Steve’s ankle. “If Hulk takes Tony over,” he said quietly, “the switch back will be nearly impossible. A one-to-one personality switch is bad enough; add the Hulk, and–”

“–we lose Tony,” Steve whispered.

Bruce swallowed, but neither he nor Tony said anything else. The room stayed silent, apart from a few computer beeps, while Bruce finished wrapping Steve’s ankle.

“There,” Bruce murmured. “All done. I would be angry at you for not telling us about your ankle, but…I suppose it’s tit-for-tat, since we didn’t tell you our plans.”

“Call us even.”

“And call us needing to get back to this,” Tony grumbled. “We’re gonna have to stay up for a few days straight to make sure it works.”

“Let me help,” Steve said, and the two scientists exchanged a look. “Listen, I’m not going to go anywhere anyway, and I refuse to let my best guys go at this without me being involved. I promise to stay out of your way, but get me up to speed, too. I wanna know what’s going on, every step of the way. All or nothing, remember?”

Tony hid a small smile. “All or nothing,” he agreed, while Bruce nodded.

***

Steve designated himself the official caretaker, and made sure neither Tony nor Bruce overworked themselves despite their borrowed time schedule. He also listened to their back and forth science gibberish with a critical ear; some of it went over his head, but some of it…he could figure it out. Sometimes he caught things the scientists missed, and it’d fuel the fire anew.

“Tony, could you send me your frontal lobe info? I have a few things I want to try.”

“Comin’ your way.” Tony flicked his fingers, and a glowing chart hovered in front of Bruce. “And I will say, I see the appeal. I make an extremely dashing figure when I’m playing with science.”

Bruce’s lip quirked. “Well, hopefully you can have your body back soon, so I can have the same pleasure.” He made a few quick notations, but his small smile faded. “I’m almost finished mapping my brain. But yours is gonna be a challenge.”

“The Hulk?”

Bruce nodded. “That…Well, I’m not sure if we can allocate enough serum for the return transfer.”

“Do we really need both? Maybe if we worked without the gas?”

“Not sure.” Bruce made a sound between his teeth. “It might seem like overkill, but we don’t exactly know how the gas works, do we? The transference OS is supposed to function as a targeting site as the gas disperses. I don’t think we can use one without the other and still have it work. I swear, this’d be easier without…” He blinked, and jerked up as if stung by a cattle prod. “Well, shit. Of course. That’s it, that’s the answer.”

“What? What’re you–” Tony stopped short. “Wait. Tell me you’re not considering what I think you’re considering.”

Bruce deliberately didn’t look his way and wrote a few calculations on their shared workspace. “It’d solve a lot of issues, Tony.”

Tony quickly wiped away Bruce’s work, to stop him. “You don’t know how that’ll affect you! Or me, for that matter. We don’t have time to guess.”

“Hulk broke Steve’s leg, Tony,” he said, swallowing. “He’s broken cities. People. Families. This could be our only chance.”

“No.” Tony and Bruce turned, as Steve interrupted their argument with one, firm word. “I’ve been listening to you both for the past twenty hours. And I get it. As much as I’m not a science geck–”

“Geek,” Bruce gently corrected.

“Geek, I still understand. From what you’ve been saying, the Hulk is a huge part of Bruce’s personality, hidden though he is. If you try taking him out of the equation, there’s a good chance we’ll lose a lot of Bruce too.”

“I’m willing to take that chance,” Bruce said, so softly that they almost didn’t hear him. “For the opportunity to do good again? To live without fear? I’d take it.”

“Oh, muffin,” Steve murmured. He limped over to Bruce and pulled his hand away from the screen while forcing him to look at him. “You were already those things with the Hulk. And you have him under control, now. The things…the good things you’re doing now are making up for the past. This world now? It can’t live without a Hulk in it. It needs you and him.”

“I…” Bruce shook his head. “That’s not true. It will never be true. I can’t–he-I’ll never make up for what we—”

“Buddy,” Tony interrupted. He struggled to his feet and stood by Bruce’s other side. “We love you. All of you. And Steve’s right. I know…” he sighed and gently rubbed Bruce’s back. “I know it won’t make sense to you, but I can feel how much of you is intertwined with Hulk. You two balance each other.” He tilted his head. “You know how both of our personalities are mixing right now? You and Hulk already mixed it up. I can actually hear snippets of you in my head, right now. And it’s from him.”

Tony guided Bruce into his huge, borrowed body. The physicist twitched like a livewire, nervously holding back whatever emotions plagued him.

“I didn’t want to say anything,” Tony whispered. “But he misses you, Pooh bear. He wants…he wants to come home.”

Bruce barked out a sob and wiped away the sudden tracks down his face with a shaky hand, even as Steve squeezed his hand. “Dammit, Tony,” he sniffed. “You’re an emotional wreck.”

Tony huffed. “Yeah, well. I would lie and say that’s not me, but I know better. All or nothing, babe, okay?”

Bruce swallowed, and looked between the two men. They were both encouraging him, both rooting for him. How could he say no now? “Okay.” He nodded and fiercely wiped the remaining tears from his cheek. “You’re right. It’s all, or nothing.”

***

Near the forty hour mark they were all staring at a finished outline that would either put Bruce and Tony back in their original bodies, or irrevocably tear them apart.

“No pressure,” Tony sighed.

“Is it good enough?” Steve cautiously glanced between Bruce and Tony, who both wore identical facial expressions. Steve didn’t think that should scare him but maybe on an unconscious level, it did.

“I think it has to be,” Tony said, and Bruce’s acknowledgement was a slow, uncomfortable sigh.

“Yeah.”

A sheen of sweat had broken across Tony’s (well, Bruce’s) forehead, and they didn’t need to say it, they were almost out of time: the Hulk was awake, aware, and impatient.

Steve swallowed. “What do you need me to do?”

“Wear this,” Bruce said, handing Steve a respirator. “JARVIS will monitor vitals, but if anything happens we may need you to get close enough to pull us out. I’m still not entirely sure how the gas works.”

Suddenly a small, strange chirrup caught their attention. As they turned, Strange’s demon pet chirped again, staring at them through red, unblinking eyes.

“That’s not bone-chilling or creepifying at all,” Tony muttered. “Not like it knows something we don’t, right?”

“Even if it did,” Bruce sighed, “it doesn’t matter. We still have to do this.” He glared at Tony. “You don’t have much longer. I know it.”

“Nah. I got this. Fifteen, twenty minutes, easy.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“Then let’s hurry,” Steve said. He motioned for the two to get ready, and they slowly stripped to their boxers. “You ready?”

“Ready as we’ll ever be,” Tony said, laying on a cot they’d acquired from Bruce’s lab. It bowed under his weight, but it still held. Steve’s hands shook as he attached the electrodes across all his vital points.

“Trust us,” Tony said, grabbing his arm. Steve nodded shakily, and went over to Bruce, in Tony’s body.

Bruce motioned to the mask as Steve taped electrodes on him. “Strap that on tight, before we turn anything on. I was able to synthesize some of the creature’s…musk, but we never got the chance to test it. I don’t know how powerful it is, or what it’ll do.”

“I get it Bruce. And you may not realize it,” he muttered, pulling the respirator over his nose and mouth. “But I’ve worn gas masks before. Just not as fancy.”

Bruce nodded, but he still looked the mask over, testing for issues, before Steve rolled his eyes and shoved him down. “Go to sleep, Bruce.”

He nestled Bruce and Tony’s own breathing masks over their mouths. “Begin counting backwards,” he told them, Then he silently said a prayer before starting the data transference program, as well as the distilled knockout gas.

***

The first five minutes were routine, according to JARVIS. “I can detect no problems, Captain Rogers. Everything seems to be proceeding on schedule, albeit slowly.”

Steve nodded, but continued to pace the floor. “You’re still carefully monitoring their brain patterns? Making sure they’re…okay?”

“Of course, sir. Due to the unusual nature of the situation, however, I’m unable to predict anomalies.”

“In other words it’s wait and see, huh?”

“Unfortunately. I will be able to alert you if something immediately occurs, but I cannot tell you beforehand.”

Steve sighed, staring at his hands. “Understood. We figured as much.”

Steve was about to ask JARVIS another question, when he heard a piercing screech from the corner of the room. “What in the world–?”

Spinning on his heel, he got a good look at their trapped “guest.” It was suddenly rising up to its full height, and flapping its wings like an angry bat. Did it even have wings before? He wasn’t sure–

“Captain Rogers,” JARVIS began. “I’m detecting increasing amounts of the foreign compound rising in the room.”

“What?” Steve narrowed his eyes at the creature. “Is it coming from Bruce and Tony, or that…thing?”

“All three, I’m afraid. Its as if the amounts are being raised on purpose.”

That didn’t sound good…”Is it affecting Tony, or Bruce?”

JARVIS paused before responding. “Their blood pressure levels are steadily climbing, and both experiencing various forms of respiratory distress.”

“Shut it down, JARVIS,” Steve said quickly. He rushed over, and saw both Tony and Bruce’s faces contorting in their unconscious states. “Shut it down, reverse it, do whatever you need to do.”

“Captain Rogers - Steve - something…something is preventing me from doing so.” Even JARVIS sounded distressed. “My control overrides are being blocked.”

“How?!” Steve reached for the off switch, but was blown back by some kind of electrostatic discharge. He wasn’t sure what was happening, but he had an idea. He glared at the monster in the room.

“Captain Rogers, their blood pressure levels are dangerously high, and I fear we may have a Code Green within minutes.

Dammit. His gaze flickered to Tony, and it did look like he was growing. And a distinct green tinge crawled down his arm.

He didn’t have a choice.

“Fine,” he shouted, staring down the demon. “You wanna switch with someone, then you can switch with me. Just leave them out of this!”

A small growl - something almost like a chuckle - emanated from the demon’s throat, and it motioned to Steve with a claw. Steve obeyed and ignored JARVIS’ outcry, while slowly removing the respirator from his face.

“This is what you wanted, right?” The fumes made him dizzy, but he didn’t care. “You’ll put them back, if I do this? You and I switch, and you’ll put them back–? Promise me!”

The demonic chuckle grew to a howl.

Sorry guys, had to deal with the devil, Steve thought darkly.

His vision swam. He held on, hoping…praying that he was doing the right thing. Tony and Bruce would be mad. But there wasn’t another way, this time. And there was no way to warn them. Besides, they discussed contingencies. They just didn’t…didn’t think it would be…him…

Steve felt his lids grow heavy and he dropped to his knees. Before he hit unconsciousness he heard the demon roar. And then–

–Stop!

***

Was he in the ice? Was he dreaming? His mind floated in and out, like drifting through a soupy, freezing fog.

***

“That idiot.”

“Shh!”

“If he’s okay, I get to yell at him. You said ‘all bets are off,’ and I’m holding you to that.”

Both of you. Be quiet.

Steve heard that, louder than the other words.

Where was he?

Ah. Hello, Captain Rogers.

Steve blinked. Who was talking?

Dr. Stephen Strange, at your service. I’m sorry I couldn’t come before this time. But I’m here now. That’s all that matters.

Are you…are you in my mind?

Sort of. Your conscious state is currently on the astral plane. I had to bring you here to heal you. I apologize for the odd state of things. You’re currently unconscious. You should be all right within a day or two, once I set you right.

Tony? Bruce? Are they–

They’re fine. As soon as I was able to stabilize the demonic presence, I reversed the damage it had done, and returned them to their host bodies.

Okay…good. And that creature–?

Returned to its realm. It’s over, Captain Rogers. And your companions are waiting for you to awaken, so if you’re feeling up to it?

Yes, absolutely.

***

A deep sigh rose from his chest, and he felt two sets of hands - one meaty, one lithe - grab hold of him.

“Be careful, Steve. Don’t rush yourself.”

“Rush, nothing. The doofus has been out for two days. It’s about he opened up those baby blues.”

Steve’s eyes fluttered at the voice, and he frowned a little at Tony’s looming face. “Tony…?” His voice sounded like sandpaper wrapped in lead.

“In the flesh.” And oh, what a sight, to see that crazy grin and facial hair in the right body.

“And Bruce?”

“On your left,” Bruce teased, mimicking their friend Sam. Steve slowly turned his head as a grin spread across his lips. Yep. Bruce’s voice, and Bruce’s glorious body. All in one perfect place. “I thought we talked about this martyr thing.”

“Yeah, we did,” Tony said, sitting on the edge of their bed. Apparently they were in their shared bedroom, which Steve really appreciated. No more waking up in hospital beds or unfamiliar places for him, no sir. “Someone needs a little lesson in how not to scare his boyfriends.”

Steve groaned, struggling to sit up, and felt a tug as Bruce pulled him up. He still felt wiped, but cuddling into Bruce’s soft shoulder definitely helped. “Where’s Strange?”

“He left a few minutes ago. He said to tell you to quit playing the hero.”

“Quit lying. That was all you, Tony.” Bruce gently squeezed Steve’s hand. “But Tony’s not wrong. We were lucky Strange came along in time, but still.”

Steve shook his head. He coughed, and Bruce brought a cup of water to his lips. “You two were as good as dead, according to JARVIS. There wasn’t another choice to make. So next time, we go outside the boundaries and include me in the contingency plan. That’s all I have to say about that. Fair?”

Tony chuckled. “I forgot how much of a pain in the ass he is, first thing after waking up.”

Bruce hid his smile, but the bed still rocked from his hidden laughter. Steve smiled a little broader, enjoying the rippling effect through his own body, due to his proximity to Bruce. Instead of arguing with Tony, though, Bruce kissed Steve’s temple.

“It was interesting being in Tony’s body for a bit, but frankly I’m glad to be in my own. I honestly missed my…ah. Heft.”

“Yeah. I had to get my balance back there, big guy.” Tony smirked fondly at Bruce, and Steve wondered if the shared experience brought them closer. His smile faded, believing he’d missed some shared opportunity of deepening their relationship.

“Never mind. Scoot over.” Bruce lifted the comforter as Steve headed toward the middle of the bed, and Tony joined him on his other side. Steve blinked, realizing the pair were in their bedclothes; he wondered what time it was.

“What are you two doing?”

“Cuddling,” Bruce said.

“Cuddling?”

“Yep.” Tony turned on the TV. “JARVIS ordered take-out, and I programed the bots to deliver it. So nope, no getting out of this bed for a while. You’re stuck with us.”

Steve sighed softly as Bruce covered his left side like a giant sheepdog, and Tony on his right curled up like a cat. He murmured his thanks as Bruce ran his fingers through his hair and kissed him softly, while Tony grabbed his hand. Well, maybe he did miss a bit of bonding. But having his best guys in bed with him, like this, was ten times better anyway.

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