For the full original memo, please click here
Kent and his bros have released an abridged memo as they realized Tank and his loyal followers ain't got time for reading the whole memo.
Leadership in Veterans and Military Affairs:
Let's up our game for veterans. But, be cool, dudes, we still support war. Have you seen Maxwell's INSCT initiative, overrun with military personnel, spies, and government officials?? Since we won't give up these things, let's pick a new admin to make sure we're a veteran friendly campus (cause we need more boys to fly our drones). Meet Bro Mike!
College of Engineering and Computer Science Leadership:
We need a new dean! White guys, please apply!
STILL NOT TRANSPARENT. More "best practices" yada yada. I'm the decider-in-chief! YOLO!
Board of Trustees on Athletics:
Oh gosh, new bro committee! Maybe we should start a new frat: Beta Bro. Tank, G-Dawg, we need your help! Free courtside seats!
University Faculty Representative to the NCAA:
Bro Mike 1.0 getting replaced by Bro Rick
Faculty Disciplinary Case:
Maybe if I put a sex scandal here, no one will read it! Everyone knows profs only read the intros and conclusions of student papers anyways! Plus it's summer. Ain't nobody got time for this.
Chief Advancement Officer Search:
Back to the bro search! Come on down bro Tom, bro Chuck, and ladybro Deb!
Senior Advisor to Kent is Jeff Kaplan:
Yo I don't got time for this transformation shit! I got to make time for all my emails. I gotta hire another bro, Bro Jeff, for all this heavy lifting! The fact that we were college roommates has got nothing to do with it! Plus, it helps that he's buddies with all the Bain and BeecherHill guys who are gonna make the University run like a well oiled business, I mean corporation, I mean school. Plus, he's baller on PowerPoint!
Chief Human Resources Officer:
I'm gonna handpick a new ladybro to run this department. She'll report directly to me, of course. Who needs autonomy?
Kevin Quinlan to lead SUNY SU partnership:
Bro Kevin, you're in charge of cutting ties with sucky state school people. We're gonna cut that shit up like 81! Relationships are my way or the highway, baby.
Need a scapegoat. Ladybro Rebecca is in charge of dealing with all the fallout from these changes. Can't have one of my bros out there (like Kevin, the VP of Public Affairs, we're too busy on the golf green)
White House Task Force on Sexual Assault:
Best practices, yo. Me and my white Bros sat down and talked it over. No need to define 'em. We'll know 'em when we see 'em.
So long suckas!!! We all know that community engagement is short term anyway. Amirite?!
As you can see, I'm assembling a new Bro Cabinet and all the Bros (and the Ladybros) will report directly to me. This isn't a democracy. This is a Kentocracy.
