I really wish I could have just one blog without being stalked and slandered by my abuser, but oh well. Let me tell you who the real snake is. Triggering storytime below.
So I met my abuser while he was going by the name Trevor. We had a few brushes, but he only stuck around when we had a ship that gained fan traction. It almost felt like we were the center of this ship’s fandom for a while and I admit, it felt really good. He had a girlfriend at the time, but as soon as we got so popular that we had to open up a shared sideblog to answer fan questions and we started getting invited into a chat room that was built specifically to talk about our characters, he started shit talking her to me. He said she was messed up and that she had traumas and he didn’t want to be with her anymore because he wanted to be the only person in his relationship with issues. Now, this frightened me a little bit, but he was kind to me so I trusted he was just not wording his feelings very well and didn’t mean to be so toxic.
Things got worse. He broke up with her and then started latching onto me. He threw elaborate plays for our fans to watch, wanting them to be highly involved in our personal moments. I liked him, I was crushing, and I asked him out in a REALLY STUPID WAY because I’m an anxious person, but after some insistence from him I asked better. A blog about our relationship was made by fans. Everything was pretty good.
I moved to California to be with him, completely upturned my life. Things were great, we were happy. He was always unfair to me, for instance if we had four of something he would take three and only give me one, but I was used to that sort of treatment so I said nothing and did nothing. He’d continue to tell me how terrible his ex was and try to encourage me to go after her like a rabid dog. He’d tell me she made him want to kill herself, that she was abusive and toxic and manipulative and terrible.
I’d go to her like a normal human being, angry but calm enough to reason. She’d show me receipts of their conversations and nothing he said was true. All of his “psycho ex drama” was him making HER want to kill herself. He’d push her so far she wanted to self harm and then he’d come to me and tell me that I should attack her. It was like he WANTED her to really do it.
I became friends with this ex and we had some good times. Trevor eventually got used to it and we were all friends for a while. Then on a holiday, after we had watched some movies and cuddled, he got up to go to the bathroom and his phone went off right by my head. I was still fuzzy in the head because we’d been giggling and laughing and we were just so happy, I thought it was unreal. It didn’t seem fake either, I was putting all of my effort into keeping him happy and ignoring my own needs to be subservient to his. He was laughing and smiling and grabbing me and kissing me and stealing my attention. The phone lit up with a message and we had the same phone, so I looked. I didn’t open it at first, but the words that came up caused me to.
The words were, “I hope you can steal his wallet soon…”
I open the message and see that while we were cuddling and talking and being happy… he had told this girl that he was miserable and I was terrible and he was going to steal my wallet in the middle of the night so that he could take all of my money and ditch me to go to New York and be a ship/friendship from a show together.
I was shocked, I called him on it. It eventually came out that he just wanted the drama. He was happy, he said so himself, and he even insisted we go back to being happy as if nothing had happened. He just wanted the sympathy, so he had lied. After being caught in this little cheating thing (he was talking romantic with this girl, and he admitted his intentions could be defined as cheating) and apologizing and saying he didn’t even know why he had done it… he did it like five more times.
Each time I caught him, he’d convince me to trust him again. I have very personal reasons that I’m so prone to being so easy to manipulate and abuse that I will not share, but suffice it to say, he managed to keep me thinking he was made of sunshine and rainbows.
We moved, he did the shit talking behind my back thing again, and admitted again to us all that none of it was true and he just wanted the attention. But he got less convincing in other areas, he was prone to pushing me more and being less friendly when we disagreed or when I wanted to do something that he didn’t.
He would get so ridiculous when he wanted to be that while we were packing up, he -the King of Christmas, a man who listens to carols in JULY- screamed at me that he didn’t even LIKE CHRISTMAS. A ridiculous lie that we both knew was a lie just to try and get what he wanted.
We moved again. Things were still great, but he started isolating me. He wouldn’t let me have my own friends, he insisted on pushing his way into everything that I did. If my roleplay group was getting praise, he’d want to claim it for himself or he’d start yelling at me about it. If someone else pissed him off, he’d take it out on me and even admitted it upon me questioning him about it. I’d ask him what I did to deserve being treated the way he was treating me and he’d go quiet, then eventually it would come out that I had done nothing and it was just safer to take it out on me because it wouldn’t ruin his reputation like it would if his anger got splashed all over the dash for the people he wanted to manipulate to see.
And he perfected his manipulation in this time. He’d break his laptops because he didn’t take care of them and then he’d convince people to send him new ones. He got like five new laptops in the span of a single year by complaining and whining all over the dash. He’d even whine until people bought him pizza or sent him gifts. He closed his friend group to me at this time, making it so that he could see everything I did but I wasn’t allowed into his own personal world. I’d have to change the rules of my own stuff to allow him into it, in JUST the way he wanted to be allowed in. (For example, I had a character that wasn’t supposed to have any siblings and I wasn’t allowing anyone to join as staff members, but I had to change that because he wanted to be both) If I didn’t cater to him, he’d blow up.
We got along better when I wasn’t calling him out on treating me like shit. He’d eat all the candy and I’d get none, but I’d shrug it off. He’d leave a mess whenever he took on a personal project and I wouldn’t say anything, I would just clean it up. He would ask me to make him things (graphics, themes, cosplays, costume makeup) and then take full credit for them. He wouldn’t eat and would complain about being hungry, so I wouldn’t say anything about it and I would just go ahead and cook for him. When I started asking him why he didn’t just cook for himself, when I started to ask him to treat me like a real human being, when I started asking him to clean up after his own messes… that is when things went really downhill. That’s when he got even worse.
During this time, he also completely stopped taking care of himself. He hung out next to some cat shit that was on the floor less than a foot away from him and when I asked him about it, he told me it had been there for days but it was okay to hang out with it because “it was dry.” As if only wet animal shit should be cleaned up. As if it’s okay to hang out with dry animal shit. He’d go weeks without showering just because he was lazy. He’d choose not to eat if I didn’t cook for him. His bed got so dirty that a family of mice moved into it with him. If he opened something, he’d leave the trash right there where he opened it. I’d have to clean up after him, I’d have to cook for him, I’d have to cut his hair, and I’d have to do it all on his time and his terms. I wasn’t allowed to watch things he didn’t like, but he could watch whatever he wanted. I wasn’t allowed to listen to music because it annoyed him, but he could listen to music no matter what I disliked about his music. Sometimes, he’d use the excuse that he was tired or had a headache and wanted to sleep so therefore it would be rude of me to do anything that made noise at all… but then he’d Skype his friends at 3am while I (an insomniac with sleep disorders) was asleep and he’d scream and yell and laugh and wake me up. He told me all the time that I didn’t look like a man and would comment on what I chose to wear and tell me how bad it looked but then wanted to wear my clothes and wanted me to cut his hair in my hairstyle. If I ever tried to express myself through singing or making something online, he’d just tell me how horrible it was and then steal my ideas. He even stole my writing samples to get into roleplay groups. He’d abuse me down to the point where I thought everything that I did was terrible. He’d tell me to hurt myself. I’d tell him “If I were ___ I’d throw myself off the roof” and he’d look at me dead in the face and say “well you’re ___ right now, so…”
My friends, the people who got to see both sides because he forced himself in, all told me to tell him to go to the store and lock him out. He was that terrible. They were worried that he might actually be the end of me. That he might actually kill me, whether it be by his own hand or because of the abuse he put me through. And there were plenty of times when I thought he’d be the end of me too. Just like he was almost the end of his ex before me. It takes a lot to make a whole group of human beings think things are so severe that the best option is to kick him out without warning and give him no time to find another place to be. And EVERYTHING that they had to base this decision on was FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE. Not gossip. Not shit I told them. THEY WERE THERE. THEY WITNESSED THESE THINGS in my roleplay groups, in my messengers (when he’d log in and spy on me), and over Skype.
He has even sent hate mail about me to legitimate hate blogs and then signed these pieces of hate and then he still tries to act like I’m the one abusing him? I’m bothering him? But he’s the one going out of his way to play this one man pity party? Trying to form a mob against me?
He’d join my groups and hurt other people. There was a point with his sibling character where he cornered the person I was shipping with in character and threatened to hang him by his toes and beat him until he died because he wanted to scare this guy out of the rp so he could take my character for his own ship. I had another long running ship that he pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed me about until he could slither in between the two people and try to ruin things. Everyone in the group complained about him. He was the type to pull a rape plot and a transphobic plot and then whine about people not liking him in character… like they were supposed to want to be his friend no matter what nasty things he did. He’d leave if he didn’t get what he wanted immediately, but he’d try to guilt trip people and manipulate them as long as he could.
I wasn’t allowed to write with other people. I wasn’t allowed to talk to people he didn’t know. And if we disagreed on anything or got in a fight, he would hack into my messenger accounts and spy on me to make sure I had nobody that I could talk to. And if I did “dare” to try to get comfort or talk through my feelings or anything at all, he would JUMP on me and scream at me.
It was honestly terrifying.
Then he went to Walmart and stole from them like an idiot and got sent to jail. While he was in the slammer, he sent me mail all of the time talking about how he talked about me to everyone and couldn’t wait to get home to me and missed me etc etc etc. I think it was just because he had nobody else he could write too, I was the only address he had. Then he came back and hopped back online, right back into his circle of friends that I hadn’t been allowed to join.
This is when I realized that I hadn’t been allowed to interact with any of his friends because he was shit talking me and he didn’t want me to see it and he didn’t want a repeat of his ex before me. He didn’t want reasonable people to have reasonable conversations and expose him for his lies. He’d already learned that it was really easy to make him look like a cruel human being and I’ll never forget his child-like expression whenever he’d get caught lying.
We broke up because he was cheating on me again and I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t put 5000000% effort into a relationship that was basically a master and slave dynamic. I didn’t have it in my anymore. He actually yelled at me and berated me and made fun of me for being upset that we broke up. I had to go hide in the bathroom so that I could settle myself.
Despite the terribleness of his actions, both up until then and afterwards, he’d jump on top of me five minutes later demanding attention as if nothing had happened. He’d tell me by his actions that treating me like shit was nothing and should be forgotten and immediately forgiven without him needing to actually do better. His exact words when we broke up were,
“You’re right. I’m treating you terribly. I’ve been a bad boyfriend to you for a long time. And I could change that. I could put effort into treating you like a real human being and being fair to you, but I’d rather not. I’d rather continue doing whatever I want without having to feel guilty about how I treat you so you’re right, we should break up.”
As if… not dating was a good reason to treat me like shit.
During this time, he went through more aliases too. Trevor was called a dick because he’d been so terrible to people. Nobody wanted to interact with him because he’d burned everyone out. So he changed to Neal, and he changed to Jeff. And he used a few others. Eventually though, his actions would prove who he was and people would stop wanting to be around him. He’d even go as far as to purposefully seek out the people that he had hurt, the people that had stated their interest in keeping themselves safe by staying away from them, so he could slither his way back into their lives. He wanted to steal a redo, a second or third or fourth or fifth or tenth chance without having to apologize or face what he’d done. So he’d do the same things all over again because he never had to learn.
Eventually, he had to change to Geoff. He told me that he wanted to join an rp that had declined him as Jeff and he was afraid that it was because of “his reputation.” Again, not HIS fault. So he laughed about how he could just change the spelling and nobody would know it was him. When he got into the rp, he laughed again, telling me how stupid the admins and the players were. He looked like he got a high out of tricking them into letting him in, even though they clearly wanted nothing to do with him.
During one of the times in which he was yelling at me because someone else pissed him off, I ended up cornered. He was hovering over me and yelling about me being successful and I snapped. He finally triggered me and I yelled back. I immediately scared myself and started rambling about the fact that I couldn’t stop yelling, I couldn’t stop shaking, I couldn’t stop seeing my past trauma, he had become my abuser (I FINALLY SAW IT), and I just… couldn’t. I told him how I felt and I insisted he listen and he eventually did. He’d end up agreeing with me, apologizing for being a dick, and then… running online to tell people how terrible and abusive I was for finally telling him to stop. He’d twist the situation around until he looked like the good guy. But he’d also yell at me for things as little as me being successful. He couldn’t do anything but degrade me and yell at me while using me at the same time for everything as big as cleaning up his messes and keeping him fed and things as little as attention. I cannot stand people being close to me or touching me anymore because he would force himself into my bed. He’d lay on top of me and force me to give him whatever he wanted, even if he had just been abusing me a few minutes before that.
It only got worse after he spent months researching mental illnesses and decided he had one. He would spend hours reading about it and he’d point out symptoms of the mental illness and then sure enough… he’d start showing them, but it was always so fake? Like he was trying to roleplay his real life to fit the symptoms so he could say he was mentally ill and have an excuse for being terrible. This illness gave him a get out of jail free card by telling him that he couldn’t help but he terrible to people. That he didn’t need to worry about his inability to care about other people, and that it was okay that he wanted to be the only successful person in the world and everyone should pay attention to him. And sure enough, he started getting worse.
History repeated itself and he found himself a new significant other based on the fact that they had a popular ship that people liked. He was telling people that I made him want to kill himself when really.. he was pushing me to self harm to the point of literally telling me in specific words that I should do it. He’d tell me how worthless I was and how “he did everything” even though I was very definitely the one doing everything. I began doubting everything. I had a panic attack on stage during karaoke in which I could hear him berating me in my head and stopped breathing. I’m a performer, mind you. I was in theatre troups and I have performed vocally more times than I can count. I started in choir in middle school and I was in band in high school. I had my own punk rock band that I fronted in high school. I was with one specific acting troup for three+ years and I played face characters for most of the time. I was able to dance on stage in my underpants but after this guy’s abuse I couldn’t even do karaoke.
When I finally got away from him, it was a power play on his part. He didn’t tell me that he was planning on anything and less than a week before the move he brought it up. We had a bunch of debt and bills and he left me with it. The way he brought up leaving was to further degrade me, by telling me that I wasn’t going to survive; that if I wanted to insist he treat me like a human being, he was just going to leave and he wouldn’t have to worry about treating me right. He could do whatever he wanted and he’d be fine. I would have to keep taking care of him as if he were my child and he could continue not listening to me, invalidating me, pushing me around, and straight up abusing me.
Yes. I told him I’d kill myself. You can’t blame someone who was abused for reacting to the abuse, or for feeling the hurtful things their abuser wanted them to feel. Why you might ask? Read above. He had done it to me. It was his fault, as terrible as he might say that sounds, it’s the truth. If he wanted to treat me like so much shit that I thought I needed to kill myself, he needs to also accept that it would have been his fault if I had. He abused me to the point where I thought I couldn’t survive without him, which is the literal purpose of most abuser’s abuse. They want you to think that you can’t live without them. He attacked me more times than I could count and he further invalidated my existence and importance by taking three of everything and then giving me only one as if I was worth less; as I explained in a previous example. Not to mention that he wanted to steal my cat and leave me with huge bills in the middle of nowhere with no safety net to rely on. He pushed me to the point of self harm multiple times and then would whine about it to his friends as if I were the bad guy because I had been pushed that far. He’d be watching stuff and laughing and having a grand old time and telling everyone he was sobbing because the big, bad, terrible boy he was living with had hurt himself and it was his fault. He was terrified. He hurt my cat too. She was unspayed so she went into heat and he got so annoyed with her that he threw something at her and it hit her in the face so hard that it made her face swell up. It looked like he’d broken a bone in her eye socket. And how did he respond? He went ahead and used that as angst for himself too. He whined and cried on web cam so people could see how pathetic he felt, because he wanted people to tell him that it was okay that he assaulted my cat and hurt her so badly.
That’s the kind of person he is. He wants to be able to do terrible things and then be consoled and told he’s valid and in the right and a perfect little ray of sunshine. But he’s a monster, and sooner or later everyone realizes it. I thought he was a good person too but I’m well aware now that he isn’t. He’s clearly still trying to abuse me now, manipulating people against me so that I’m once again… isolated. He needs me to feel like shit so that he can feel good about himself. He needs me to have nothing so that he can feel good about himself.
And he can try. He can try all he wants. He can stalk me. He can obsess over me. He can lie about me. But I’ve got plenty of my own friends and I’m stronger now. I know how wrong he is. I know that I’m better than anything he’s ever done to me.
If you want to stop talking to me because of his lies, go ahead. If you want to support his manipulation and abuse, go ahead. But I will continue to live my own life. I’m allowed to roleplay. I’m allowed to write. There is no valid reason for ANYONE to be trying to act like they have a monopoly on writing on Tumblr. There is no reason for ANYONE to be acting like I’m not allowed to do it. I’m staying in my own lane. I don’t interact with him. I don’t shit talk him. I don’t give him even a second of my time and here we are… with me getting anon hate and I’ve been nice to everyone here so the only explanation for this is him. He’s been doing this to me for years and I guess… congrats on joining in on his abuse and giving him fuel.
He might have gone through like five different aliases, but he’s the same person he was when we met. He hasn’t changed. He hasn’t become any better than the person that was so terrible to people that nobody wanted to interact with him. He’s just gotten better at manipulating people.
I’m still praying that he’ll grow up, and that he’ll face the truth about who he is so that he can really heal and grow. I wish him the best and hope he can learn how to treat people better.
And I hope that any of you hateful little anons that might want to pop into my inbox in the future think about what you’re doing before you victimize an abuse survivor on behalf of their abuser. I have done NOTHING but write with people here. I send people kind messages and I offer to make things for people. I haven’t made this an unsafe place for him to be but he is CLEARLY trying to make it an unsafe place for me.
-Very extreme pacifist (her ending is where somehow everyone survived and now she’s working on rebuilding friendships.
-Emotional to no end. She cried because she accidentally stepped on Faust’s tail while going to the bedroom to wake Asra up for breakfast and Asra had to comfort her. “I’m a bad mo-o-o-om!” “Wilmina pls it was only an accident” “Am fine!”
-Hates being spoiled or fussed over, so in the AUs where she’s with Nadia or Lucio, she passes off stuff to servants and gives them “personal wellness” breaks.
-Uses her water powers as sort of a fidget. I. E. Water bubbles to poke at, symbols and drawings, random swirlies.
-Bad at spelling, but has neat handwriting.
-curvy but slightly flatchested.
-tried to adopt an elephant as a familiar but her parents stopped her and got her Bip instead.
It all felt so real, so vivid, like Bill was really there living through his nightmare. Some might think his dreams would be plagued by wicked clowns, but it was Georgie that came to him in his nightmares tonight. Georgie, the brother he'd lost what felt like ages ago. His body was mangled and his eyes were sunken, deep holes in his face with tears of blood dripping down the rancid flesh of what was left of his cheeks. The dingy yellow of his raincoat was tattered and worn, but still nearly neon in the dark of this dream. His heart pounded in his chest as the visage of his decicated younger brother seemed to slide closer to him, almost like a slug.
The younger, deceased Denbrough was about to shove a rotting hand down Bill's mouth and in the real world, Bill was about ready to scream.
"Georgie..." The name managed to make its way out of his mouth, barely audible but still enough for Bev to hear while Bill struggled with his unconscious mind.
Then he was gently shaken awake and he found himself gasping for air, lips parted in a dramatic O as he scanned the room in sheer panic and terror, looking for any sign of what he had seen in his dreams. Nothing. No Georgie. No rotting flesh. No accusations that deepened Bill's ever-present guilt. Just Bev and her beautiful face, staring down at him with concern written on every feature.
"Uh-I'm fi-fine." The words were choked, his eyes still fearful, but he tried to pull himself together for the sake of his friend. "I'm fuh-fine, I promise."
Send ‘🌃’ or ‘Nightmare’ to wake my muse from a nightmare they would have woken up screaming to otherwise. | ACCEPTING
When he heard the voice, he didn't think it was addressing him. People didn't address him, not since he'd been changed. It wasn't because he wasn't someone people liked, he was just unapproachable-- as in, he kept hidden so nobody could SEE him, let alone TALK to him.
But this woman had seen him, that much was clear when he looked at her. And a quick glance down showed that the mess from his last meal was still glistening wet on the liquid-resistant fabric of his yellow raincoat. Should he tell her this blood wasn't his? Definitely not, no. Pennywise would keep that information close to Its chest and play innocent until the moment It pounced; so Georgie would do the same.
"It hurts," he said in a soft, gentle whine. From the sounds of things, this woman was concerned for him and he would exploit that to the fullest. With his lower lip jutted out and plumped so it looked extra pathetic, he took a few steps closer and made sure it was obvious that there was only one and a half arms under his raincoat by exaggerating the back and forth motion his arms made while he walked. "I want a hug..." His wide eyes shone a glowing blue, a friendly and deceptively welcoming color that really popped against his pale skin and the bright raincoat.
It had finally happened, little Georgie had finally gotten caught. Pennywise had warned him about this, but of course he had thrown Its warnings out the window. He liked spying on Bill and his friends, the intensity of the love he had felt as a human for his older brother was so strong that some kind of emotion had lingered after the change.
He'd been watching Richie, because the rest of the losers were inside. The older boy was on a bike, but Georgie could still keep track of him from the sewers, until he turned down a street without adequate viewing from below. So Georgie had left the safety of the sewers to continue pursuit, only to find those coke bottle glasses staring him down.
He'd been seen.
Richie wasted no time in addressing him and closing the distance, letting out a slew of curse words as he dropped his bike and practically ran closer. Georgie couldn't think of anything else to do, so he stood there like a deer in the headlights.
Then Richie threw him over his shoulder.
He'd zoned out, in all honesty, so whatever had been said hadn't registered. He was too lost in his own head and his own thoughts to hear what anyone else had to say. Richie had probably prompted him to return home, and seeing him standing there catatonic, had taken things into his own hands.
Without warning, Georgie screamed, the tone coming out more devilish than child; more Pennywise than human. "PUT! ME! DOWN! I CAN'T GO!"
I don’t feel like looking for the meme to link it here but it was your muse throwing my muse over their shoulder | ACCEPTING
💪 -unrequitedloyalty //no idea why just thought it'd be cute
The familiar scent of antique fabrics and carnage was all Georgie had, Pennywise was gone when he woke up from his nap. It wasn't rare, Pennywise sometimes took to hunting while Georgie was napping so that It didn't have to leave him alone. He had taken to turning it into a game, where he'd follow the scent of his beloved eldritch clown and see if he could find It before It got back to the sewers.
So he crawled out of his damp home and hid in the shadows, following the scent of what was basically his adoptive parent. He wasn't as powerful as Pennywise, so he couldn't travel as quickly as It could, but he did his best. He followed the scent to an alley behind a bar and watched with pinched eyebrows as a stout man wandered out innocently. He was so confused by where his game had taken him that he hadn't hidden well, and before he knew it he was being thrown over a shoulder. Perhaps the man had thought he was a simple child that someone in town was looking for?
"Why do you smell.." Yes, the scent he'd been following-- that oh-so-familiar scent-- was coming from this man. "..like my Pennywise?" This man was too old to be prey, too human to have hurt It.. so what could their relation be? He was so full of thought that he didn't seem to care about his predicament. If he wanted to be put down, he'd MAKE this man put him down. Simple, there was nothing to think about.
I don't feel like looking for the meme to link it here but it was your muse throwing my muse over their shoulder @unrequitedloyalty | ACCEPTING
