#interlude 3

[icing217]

𝗘𝗡𝗛𝗬𝗣𝗘𝗡 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗦𝗜𝗡: 𝗩𝗔𝗡𝗜𝗦𝗛 '𝗜𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗹𝘂𝗱𝗲 3'

🔗: https://youtu.be/6tYUaUWWmEs?si=y_xjS2iOCyxlYKmv

[ask-spicy-soulcheese-crk]

Interlude…

The queen is pacing around her throne room “what the blazes is his problem?” She mutters… “pure vanilla cookie used to be so… kind… whoever Divine Vanilla is he is most certainly not the same man… I suppose he was the only of us to struggle under the power of our beast… however… ugh… this is simply too far! And cacao is backing him up-“ she punches a wall, leaving a crater behind. Cookies scramble to get out of the way.

…“they are… my friends yes? They should understand I cannot simply- abandon my kingdom to go on a wild goose chase! If he be within my land I feel it is well within my rights to keep him anyway. Since such a thing would indicate he already exists as part of my hoard… I can handle the problem of the beasts better than any of them can! Their methods are… frankly BARBARIC! And yet they have the gall to call me the violent one! I only hurt those who ask for it by threatening my treasures.”

“…Your radiance.”

“…yes smoked cheese cookie…?”

“Perhaps you shouldn’t be so hasty in declaring them as a lost cause. They are powerful allies.”

“I am WELL aware of this. Furthermore they are my friends. But I will not go to war with them. Especially not against the witches! Their plan is madness! We have no more power now than the beasts did when they were sealed. In fact, it is likely far less… I cannot protect my people from within a tree, if they shall demand I go to war I would have no choice but to pick the side that saves my people. I… Will not lose another war.”

“I do admit this plan seems… risky to say the least… but it is not the time yet. You can abandon them when they are or no more use.”

“…I… it will not matter if they keep advancing their troops onto my land! They are my friends… but they seem to… forget that sometimes. If it is a war they want it is a war they will get I have slain destruction itself they should fear my name.” She says darkly… staring over the horizon. The souljam of destruction resonates. Smoked cheese shudders.

“…I think you are spending too much time with the beast. Your radiance.”

“Please. He is no beast. Not anymore.” She gestures to the souljam fastened around her neck “I have successfully remade him! Something the others always have and always shall fail to do. I have broken the beast. Why… It is only a little longer until my other half is tamed completely! And yet… some part of him still resists.”

“…may I remind you this is a very dangerous man you are toying with. And with the beast of deceit on the loose who knows what could happen”

“Let him come. Let him try. And let him fail. I will not fall. I shall deliver victory. Maybe then they will finally respect my wishes… if not… I could do with more souljams.” She says, smiling proudly

“…Wonderfully greedy as always my queen.”

“My friends would be much happier in the city anyway… and they’d finally remember to be such once more… I could… fix them… yes. This plan is… all I need. You are dismissed.”

Smoked cheese scrambles out of the room as fast as possible.

“We are running out of time to act. The souljam- it- Are you sure this new ally of yours can do this?”

“She is the cream of the crop! I need to do a lottttt more digging though. She’s good to bet on though.”

“Do not let your feelings get in your way Mozzarella Cookie.”

“I’m not. You know that. I never do.”

“I’m beginning to realize that if I want this done. I’m going to have to do it myself.”

“You’re free to try. Plus she always lets you off with a mind wipe…”

“Ugh… yes yes I am aware. Go and at least pretend to be busy. I have work to attend to.”

[mgrover]

So I’m not caught up with arc 3, but the absolute dread I have in the fact I am being taught funeral rites in this interlude is astounding.

[awindandtruthliveblog]

[Wind and Truth: Interlude 3]

Oh El is malen, huh. I forgot that one. Ignore all my considering Mishram's face as El, I guess.

El's actually kinda chill idk I mean he'll kill you but he won't be an asshole about it. I'd watch him and Odium talk for a while.

Odium infusing those gems is probably not a good sign. Or, a really good one, if Dalinar succeeds. (He won't)

Elsegates as in the corrupted Oathgates? Good, I love terms.

What's going on with the Shattered Plains? It's gotta have some power source.

El's formally introduced, nice.

[got-into-worm-by-mistake]

Interlude 3 Live Reactions

(This is me, writing reactions as I read, because why the fuck not. They're not complete, mature thoughts taken after I sit back and evaluate what I've read. Consider them as such)

The building housing the local Parahuman Response Team division didn’t really stand out. The exterior was all windows, reflective enough to mirror the mottled dark gray of the sky overhead.  Only a shield logo bearing the letters ‘P.R.T.’ marked it apart from the other buildings of downtown Brockton Bay.

Maybe it's just because I have shatterbird on the brain because I've read several versions of Slaugherhouse 9 attacks on Brockton Bay in fics recently, but like... while I get that you can't just build every building without windows out of fear of Shatterbird showing up in your city, it does seem ill-advised for the PRT to have that much window on their HQ. If Shatterbird does show up...

Those entering the lobby would find a strange juxtaposition at work.  On the one hand, you could see the various employees in suits, hurrying in and out of the building, talking in groups.  A team of four PRT officers was on standby, each stationed at a different area of the lobby, outfitted in the best equipment money could buy.  All had chain mesh and kevlar vests, helmets that covered their faces, and firearms.  The equipment differed, however, as two of them had grenade launchers hanging from straps on their shoulders with bandoliers of various specialty ammunition across their chests, including a fire extinguishing grenade, an EMP round and various stun grenades.  The other two had what appeared at first glance to be flame throwers; were they to pull the triggers, they would eject a thick, frothing spray of foam, enough to contain all but the strongest and fastest villains.

This is definitely weird compared to the last two Interludes...

In stark contrast to this, there was the gift shop that would be thick with youths when school ended, sporting a selection of action figures, posters, video games and clothing.  Four-foot tall pictures of the various Protectorate and Wards team members were placed at regular intervals around the lobby, each backed by bright colors.

Definitely really fucking incongruous, yeah.

There was a cheery tour guide waiting patiently by the front desk, smiling handsomely at anybody who happened to glance his way.  On schedule, he would introduce tourists and children to the PRT offices, the armory, the training area and the parking lot with the parahuman containment vans, showing them what it took to manage the local heroes.  For those willing to pay for the premium tour, wait up to two hours and suffer a PRT squad escort, there would be an additional stop on the tour – a glimpse of the Wards’ Headquarters.

This is a little too 'Omniscient impersonal narrator' compared to the last two Interludes.

“Director Piggot.  Ma’am,” Aegis greeted her, his voice strained.  His costume was in shreds, and was more crimson with his own blood than it was its original white.  

Given that Aegis probably gets hurt a lot, since he's not actually invulnerable, per se, why wear white when he's gonna bleed all over it?

Although he's probably still wearing Clock's uniform, isn't he?

Director Piggot didn’t look away, but one of the men standing behind her looked a touch green around the gills, “I can take you at your word.  You don’t need to stick your arm all the way through your chest to demonstrate.”

Aegis is still a teenage boy. 'Look What I Can Do!' is still a big part of the mindset.

 Maybe next time, the rest of you can talk Gallant out of inviting his girlfriend along.” The protests overlapped. “It was her sister in the bank! 

Yeah, I'm... I mean, oddly enough, Amy probably would have had a better time of things if Vicky didn't get invited, but its a tall ask to keep her back

“You’ll have to forgive me,” Piggot smiled, “The paperwork gets to be a bit much sometimes.  Maybe you know where to find the documentation from our military and science teams, for this Alternator Cannon?” “Christ, Kid,” Aegis groaned under his breath, with his ruined voice. Kid Win looked more upset about Aegis’ reaction than anything else, “I, uh.  I didn’t get it officially cleared, yet.  I just thought it would be better to use the cannon and do what I could to stop the robbery.”

Yup. Definitely the Collateral Damage Ken :rofl:

Because also like Ken, he's just not as interesting. :P

Who's POV is this scene actually from though?

Director Piggot frowned, “The amount of time and money that would require, for an event that might never occur… no.  I suppose you can keep the cannon.”

Bet she planned on conceding this so the next bit about taking out the power source, etc, is received better.

“I’m going to have nightmares,” Clockblocker groaned, as he tenderly touched the welts around his nose and mouth, “Nightmares with lots and lots of spiders.”

Valid.

As.

Fuck.

“Shadow Stalker is AWOL?” Gallant asked. “Couldn’t make it in time,” Aegis grunted, “Told her to stay put.”

Carefully keeping hidden from the readers just what Sophia is.

Gallant considered for a moment, “Could be, but my gut tells me Piggy just wants to scare him.  He needs to stop testing the limits with the people in charge, or he’s going to get in real trouble at some point.”

Isn't Gallant usually the one calling people out in fic for calling Piggot 'Piggy'?

Flanderization, probably, I guess. Gallant is still a teen.

“And I’ll hold that position for not even the rest of the summer before I graduate and pass the mantle to you,” Clockblocker smiled self deprecatingly, “No worries.  Take charge.”

Rapid turnover does seem a major flaw in 'eldest runs the show'.

“Okay guys,” Gallant said, “Before we get started, I think it’s important to make some things clear.  First off, most importantly, today was not a failure.  I’d even say that today was a win for the good guys, and we start establishing that here and now.”

Okay, that really is putting Lipstick on a Pig, Gallant.

Taken.  Stinger is some villain in California with power armor, a jetpack and homing missiles, and Pestilence is a creepy psycho in London.”

All the Good Names are Always Taken!

“Skitter?” Gallant put the name out there. There was a clatter of keys as Clockblocker checked, “It’s not taken.” “Then it’s good enough,” 

I mean, it's not the worst name out there, really. I can see why Taylor never tried to push back on it.

Following behind Armsmaster and Miss Militia was a teenage girl in an enveloping white robe.  Panacea.  She had an ID card on a cord around her neck, featuring her photo and the word ‘GUEST’ in bright blue letters. “She was kind enough to volunteer to come here and patch you guys up,” Miss Militia told the young heroes, “Can’t send you home with horrible injuries and hundreds of bug bites, can we?  That would give away the show.”

Well, that and it would just kinda suck to go home like that.

Panacea really is a huge boon to the BB PRT, Protectorate and Wards, isn't she? Makes covering identities much easier.

She shifted the position of the rocket launcher on her shoulders, and it dissolved into a blur of green-black energy.  The energy lunged and arced around her for a few brief moments, then materialized into a machine gun.  It only held that form for a few seconds before it flickered and solidified into a sniper rifle, then a harpoon gun, and  finally settled in the form of a pair of uzis, one in each of her hands.  She barely seemed to notice, beyond the automatic action of holstering the guns.

Does the gun just constantly change when she's not using it? Can Miss Militia drop the guns? Hand them to someone? How does that work?

“I- A lot happened,” Panacea hedged. “Any detail helps.” “Um.  I’m sorry,” she said, looking down at the ground, “I got smacked across the head, but my power doesn’t work on myself, and I’m not really the type to go out in costume and get into fights, so having my life threatened, I dunno.  All that… I can’t put my thoughts in order just yet.”

I mean, I get why she's not saying much. Hard to really explain without hinting around too much. "I think she's a thinker" "Why?" "because she knew shit literally no one else should know but I'm not telling you because I can't."

“But I got them anyways, and I got international attention over it.  The healer.  The girl who could cure cancer with a touch, make someone ten years younger, regrow lost limbs.  I’m forced to be a hero.  Burdened with this obligation.  I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t use this power.  It’s such an opportunity, to save lives.” “But?” “But at the same time… I can’t cure everyone.  Even if I go to the hospital every night for two or three hours at a time, there are thousands of other hospitals I can’t visit, tens of millions of people who are terminally ill or living in a personal hell where they’re paralyzed or in constant pain.  These people don’t deserve to face that, but I can’t help them all.  I can’t help one percent of them if I put in twenty hours a day.” “You have to focus on what you can do,” Gallant told her. “Sounds easier than it is,” Panacea answered, with a touch of bitterness, “Do you understand what it means, to cure some of these people?  I feel like every second I take to myself is a second I’ve failed somehow.  For two years, it’s been this… pressure.  I lie in bed, awake at night, and I can’t sleep.  So I get up and I go to the hospital in the middle of the night.  Go to pediatrics, cure some kids.  Go to the ICU, spare some lives… and it’s all just blending together.  I can’t even remember the last few people I saved.”

Some anti-Amy people really seem to want to ignore this whole bit from her, sometimes, judging from some of the posts I've seen on r/parahumans.

God, Amy needs a hug, a break, therapy and a girlfriend, stat.

She sighed again, “The last person I really remember?  It was maybe a week ago, I was working on a kid.  He was just a toddler, an immigrant from Cairo, I think.  Ectopia Cordis.  That’s where you’re born with your heart outside your body.  I was putting everything in the right place, giving him a chance at a normal life.” “What made him so memorable?” “I resented him.  He was lying there, fast asleep, like an angel, and for just a second, I considered just leaving him.  The doctors could have finished the job, but it would have been dangerous.  He might have died if I’d left him on the table, the job half done.  I hated him.”

I'm surprised she's saying all this to Gallant, of all people. But A) She is evading the thing she really can't share (her crush on Vicky. When does that get revealed to the reader anyway?) and B) She knows Dean is too well... Gallant to actually share something like this revealed in confidence.

But also, yeah, the people who act like Amy didn't have it bad are full of shit. Doesn't excuse what she does, not even close, of course, but those haters are just insane.

“No, I hated that he would have a normal life, because I’d given up mine.  I was scared that I might intentionally make a mistake.  That I might let myself fuck up the procedure with this kid.  I could have killed him or ruined his life, but it would have eased the pressure.  Lowered expectations, you know?  Maybe it would have even lowered my own expectations for myself.  I… I was just so tired.  So exhausted.  I actually considered, for the briefest moment, abandoning a child to suffer or die.” “That sounds like more than just exhaustion,” Gallant replied, quietly. “Is this how it starts?  Is this the point I start becoming like my father, whoever he was?” Gallant let out a slow breath, “I could say no, that you’re never going to be like your father.  But I’d be lying.  Any of us, all of us, we run the risk of finding our own way down that path.  I can see the strain you’re experiencing, the stress.  I’ve seen people snap because of less.  So yeah.  It’s possible.”

I wonder if Amy feels conflicted about how much she doesn't like Dean because he is just such a genuinely good dude.

Like, I can imagine she hates all the unsolicited 'I want to help', I relate to that hard, but it is hard to hate someone who is just... that fucking nice.

I'd like to think she feels some confliction, anyway.

“Take a break.  Tell yourself it’s something you have to do, to recharge your batteries and help more people in the long run.” “I don’t think I can.”

Listen to him, Amy. For God's sake, fucking LISTEN.

*pretends she can yell hard enough that the characters can hear her*

LISTEN!

“She threatened to talk about stuff.  Stuff worse than what I just told you, I guess.  Threatened to tell me things I just don’t want to know.  Said she’d use what she knew to ruin my relationship with Victoria and the rest of my family,” Amy hugged herself. “My sister’s all I’ve got.  The only person with no expectations, who knows me as a person.  Carol never really wanted me.  Mark is clinically depressed, so as nice as he is, he’s too focused on himself to really be a dad.  My aunt and uncle are sweet, but they’ve got their own problems.  So it’s just me and Victoria.  Has been almost from the beginning.  That smug little monster threatened to tear my sister and I apart using yet another thing I didn’t want, another thing I had no control over.”

My desire to strangle Lisa grows.

Though honestly, while it would have wigged Vicky out, I doubt it would have actually made her hate you forever, or whatever, it coming out at this stage. She'd need a hot minute to come to terms with it, especially if it's revealed by Tattletale in that context, but otherwise...

But Amy is so used to hating herself that she assumes everyone else would hate her for this just as much.

“Does… does this have anything to do with the, erm, rather strong feelings you have towards me?” Panacea went still. “I’m sorry,” he hurried to say, “I shouldn’t have brought it up.” “You shouldn’t have,” she stood up and started towards the door.

So I gathered Dean does know (about the incest crush) by the time he dies, from reading on the wiki (IIRC), but does he know yet, or does he just know there's something there, but he's not sure what?

“Take care of my sister, okay?  Make her happy?” she murmured, as she hesitated in the doorway. “Goes without saying.” They rejoined the main group.

No mention of the on-again off-again element. When does that come up? Or is that just pure fanon?

But yeah, I think this scene would solidify for the coming into this blind reader the idea that Amy is a significant secondary character to this story. Like, Interlude 2 could just have been setting up the bank and showing off the darkside of the Heroes, but here, the additional focus on Amy's inner life like this - she's clearly not just a side character.

At least for the first half.

[rox-reads]

thats kinda lame i hope it doesnt stick

[chocoblook-comic]

Interlude 3 | Page 1 Back | Next

Well, that was rather more than a day. Whoops. Also, this comic passed 3000 followers a while back and I intended to comment on it sooner, but then I didn’t. Whoops! Anyhow, I’m doing it now. Hooray! So many followers!

Yet another thing I’ve been slacking on is Patreon requests. Bigger whoops. I promise I’ll get to that real soon, but boy have I needed a break!

I don’t really have much else to say. I likely won’t be posting much during the hiatus besides said requests, as well as answering questions if anyone has them. So, uh.... seeya whenever! I guess!

[hms-no-fun]

The new interlude was pretty intense, and I wasn’t sure if I followed along with the sequence of events perfectly, especially in the second half. I’m mainly wondering what exactly happened, and also how things could have changed so drastically between them? I’m not sure how much time had passed in between then and their last meeting, but it seems like the way they do things has turned to be more of an exclusively violent thing rather than violence with emotional processing alongside it.

i’m not going to spell out what exactly happened, especially in the latter half. i suggest slowly rereading this fic with an eye towards physicality and symbolism, keeping in mind Dana’s classpect and how we’ve seen her use it in the past. consider, as well, the introductory note’s use of the phrase “aggressively canonical” and what that might imply. this isn’t a huge ask imo considering “stomach” is a measly 3,994 words long, compared to the nearly 40,000 words contained in just one of chapter 8’s many fingers. there are more answers present within the text than you might expect, but you’ve got to put the pieces together yourself. failing that, there’s always the godfeels fan server...

but now to the meat of your question, which i very much do want to talk about at excruciating length (after the break).

this interlude is a lot of things. one of them is an experiment.

other writers besides me have contributed to godfeels before (Taz with Dirk dialogue in ch8 acts 2 and 3, Julia with the Dana v Silverbark fight in act 4), but interlude 3 is the first entry in the series that was primarily written by someone else. not only that, but it’s also the first real glimpse we get into the narrative universe that is likely to become a major focus of our attention in the near future. as much as i talk big about throwing my ego in the trash for collaborations, i have to admit that this was a bit scary for me! and not just in the sense that godfeels is my baby or whatever. you don’t need to look very long to find examples of indie projects like this utterly destroyed when their overly-precious creators decide to throw their collaborators under the bus for the sake of their sacred vision (money).

i don’t want to be that guy. i’ve been personally fucked over by different versions of that guy multiple times in just the last few years, and it terrifies me that i was blindsided every time. i’m terrified that i’ll take every precaution and still wind up becoming that guy somehow. i hate creative dictators. i hate that our primary cultural definition of collaboration still paradoxically hinges on one or two people being the head of the dragon. i don’t want to be the head of anything, i just want to make cool shit with my friends.

HOWEVER. the fact remains that i’ve written nearly 400,000 words of this fucking thing largely on my lonesome. there’s a lot that only i am privy to, and not just in plot terms. so the big test for us was, how do i as ~the director~ ensure that the text is true to canon, in character, and just generally up to my arbitrary standards of aesthetic consistency, without compromising the primary author’s work? this was a big learning experience and involved several long conversations about... well, basically everything i just said.

thing is, everyone in the work server has their own little section of godfeels they tend to gravitate towards, and Julia's been laser focused on Dana and Lenore pretty much since the day i invited her on board. i can't remember the exact chain of events that got us here, but iirc Julia started writing this interlude on her own, i liked it enough to suggest we should work together to make it canon, and she agreed. she finished the first draft maybe a month and a half ago, and from there we talked very openly about how we wanted to collaborate, what we were willing to budge on, what we weren’t, that sort of thing. where we eventually landed was that she reserved the right to reject any of my suggestions on the prose while giving me a lot of latitude to influence dialogue. i added/modified a few lines in the first half, but for the most part it’s all Julia. my big contribution was the final sequence, which Julia improved in several key ways.

i won’t linger on this process talk for much longer, but i think the most fun part of writing this for me was seeing which of my suggestions Julia rejected. i would comment on a single line of narration with a paragraph of thoughts, and she’d reject them... but also find ways to incorporate bits and pieces of my thoughts elsewhere in the text? this was what ultimately eased my mind about this process, because it didn’t matter so much to me whether or not she fixed any given line as long as we both knew that the ambiguity was a choice she was making.

ANYWAY, it made sense for this specific interlude (which features two 29 year old characters we’ve only just met) to have a completely different authorial voice from prior interludes. it even comes down to the title: “penny in a bed of flowers” and “eyes like violet fire” have this poetic energy to them that’s utterly absent in interlude 3’s “stomach.” the dreamy naivety of the young twenty-something giving way to the base bodily functions of actual genuine adults who’ve lived, er, shall we say colorful lives.

(one similarity between all the interludes is that they are fundamentally fanfiction. it just so happens that interlude 3 is fanfic for a canon that doesn’t exist yet :)

the first two interludes were soft, warm, primarily positive sexual experiences. i wanted them to typify some of the beauty of transfeminine sexuality, as a refuge from the pressing danger and trauma of 2.3. interlude 3, by contrast, looks at two transfems who’ve been in an on-again off-again relationship for over a decade. on top of that, this is their first private reunion after Lenore sold Dana and the other upsilons up the river three years ago. there’s a lot going on between them, most of which goes unspoken. we’re eavesdroppers here, there’s no way they’re gonna take the time to contextualize what they’re doing when it’s just the two of them.

which gets us to what i’ve been building up to all along. i want to single out this specific bit from your question, anon:

“it seems like the way they do things has turned to be more of an exclusively violent thing rather than violence with emotional processing alongside it.”

i’ll start by observing that we’ve never seen Dana and Lenore alone together until this fic, and i don’t think i’ve ever met a couple that behaves the same in public as they do in private.

it’s true that their relationship involves a lot of physical violence, but is it exclusively violent? does it really seem like there’s no emotional processing going on in this scene? from where i’m sitting, this scene is nothing BUT emotional processing. the difference is that there’s no resolution. and why would there be? it’s not like Lenore called Dana a bitch on twitter dot com (although she definitely has done that). whatever the nature of her betrayal, it led to Edie and Alphi disappearing, and Dana being banished to starve and go mad all alone on a meteor for THREE YEARS. there’s no cathartic conversation that’s gonna paper over that, especially not on the first night they’re together again. you could draw a parallel here to Dare’s many epiphanies not actually curing their depression if you liked. one might even call it “a theme.”

before i say more, Julia has some things to add:

I am a fan of metanarrative fuckery–for example, I love how Terezi's narration in the latest chapters refuses to turn inwardly, and that refusal collapses as her stress mounts. That being said, I unfortunately just have the one narrative method: I like unreliable PoVs that deny the audience information the character in question wouldn't be thinking about. Dana won't stop doing things to think about the decade-long depths of the relationship Lenore betrayed. This is her life, these are her actions. You, as reader, can but take them as they come.

If I wanted to give myself more credit than's due, I would claim that this also reflects the nature of Dana (and co.) as an internal narrative. She's older, she's more resentful, she's just come out of a situation she spent 3 years coldly simmering about, and it went worse than she expected in some ways (she didn't get to ether Silverbark), but shockingly better in others (she got the Comet and Lenore back). Crucially, Dana is trained for violence, so she's not given to these Egbertian windbag breakdowns that give away the entirety of her thoughts as a response to sudden violence–she just stances up, and acts. She's been doing it for a long time, she's good at it and she likes it enough to be a weakness.

jumping off from that, the thing to understand is that Dana is a fighter. not just someone who likes to fight but a trained, highly skilled grappler who Silverbark at one point thought of as “her finest mentee.” just from the text of this interlude alone, it’s safe to assume that Dana and Lenore have fought each other many times in the past. there’s even this snippet of a memory in the last section where Dana seems to willingly, covertly lose to Lenore for sex reasons:

(idk why i censored the words “fucks” and “orgasm” in this screenshot)

Lenore is less technically skilled than Dana, but she makes up for it by being extremely strong and durable (those troll muscles, baby). if i were to make a Lenore kin onion, Jessica Jones would be pretty close to the center. so they have this back and forth where Dana can just fucking unload on Lenore without causing any real lasting damage. and it shouldn’t go unstated that fighting and sex are basically the same activity!

Lenore says of their relationship that “we like it this way.” they both trained together in the EWL, and despite their differences and the bumpy lives they’ve led they still always wind up back together somehow. i would not call this a healthy dynamic per se, but these are fucked up women who grew up in what seems to have been a deeply ideological paramilitary organization. “healthy” is a luxury for women like these. and whatever you might think of it from the outside, they clearly enjoy it- or, at least, there was a time when they enjoyed it.

this encounter feels to me like muscle memory. the children have been put to bed, medical emergencies are taken care of, now is the time to drink and catch up. what they want, the two of them, is to have what they had, i think. they both know they have to address the shadow hanging over them at some point, but not tonight. tonight is for them. and like, yeah, of course they’d think that was possible. Dana’s been an unwilling bachelor for ages now, and Lenore? i can’t imagine she’s had much free time with her job running support for a high-ranking ewl member. maybe a few one-night stands here and there? but nothing satisfying in the long-term. throughout chapter 8, before their reunion, we’ve seen both Lenore and Dana independently wishing the other were there, despite everything between them. they’re lonely and they want to fuck each other, because they are each other’s best fuck. the entire ritual is so rehearsed, so known, so comfortable start to finish.

but of course, that shadow is just too loomy not to infect that ritual. you think they’d say shit like “i’m fine” and “i’m not mad” if they really meant it? they’re spells to ward off the inevitable and possibly relationship-shattering tension between them. these two already seemed to have something of a kismesissitude going, though i hesitate to simplify their thing (or any pair’s “thing” in godfeels, for that matter) in such basic terms, because they genuinely love each other. we can debate what kind of love it is, but if nothing else it’s pretty clear that that love has endured a LOT. they value that endurance, i think.

Dana and Lenore have been through too much together to escape their mutual orbit. Lenore thought she could, and Dana wished she could, but here they are again, back at it same as always. is it healthy? is it too violent? is it bad? i honestly don’t know. what i like about them is that they can be mad at each other, hate each other even, but still know deep down that no one else gets it the way they do. they’re rivals to lovers to enemies and back again because they’re too stubborn to really, truly let go. they’d never want to. that’s what makes it hurt all the more, one of many reasons they can’t just paper over this betrayal with a cathartic bout of a hatesex, that Dana knows she can’t let Lenore out of her life again. she knew it the instant she saw her step out of the Comet. so it’s this contradiction that can’t be resolved, not when both parties are so proud, and it manifests in this passionate anger, this desire to love and devour, to punish and protect, until they tucker themselves out and wind up just feeling empty inside, because again, the core contradiction hasn’t been resolved. it's beautiful and terrible all at once and buddy if that ain't godfeels from toe to tip