Having very little internal sense of race while simultaneously being genderquuer and traumatized is so fucking wild.
I'll associate myself with the gendered vibe of a person or character and even use them as internal persona within my mind and then I'll look into the mirror and realize I am, in fact, not a traumatized Asian girl. Or a quirky golden receiver white boy. Or a toxic sad girl. Or a gruff old man. Or a regal queen. Or a-.
I very much love myself and my body But my five thousand disassociative disorders dictate that I need 1 million different characters to represent every emotional,psychological, and gendered state and my non socialized brain that never interacted with enough people to strictly internalize racial, sexual, and gender concepts/groups so it does not care who im mentally attaching to. As long as you fit the aesthetic and I associate with you, I will parasitically steal your identity.
I've had one too many gender-criciseas over whether I am actually a trans girl because on an genderless day I was feeling rather fem and was kinning a female character heavily and my agander disassociated mind confused that for being proper feminine gender.
I'm so unsocialized im borderline autistic dispite being neuro-typical.
So no, I am not goblin boy denji or prodigal Albedo. I am not Rick and morty and homura akemi.
I am a weird black guy with too many fictional fixations.
End monthly gender/self perception rant.