Excerpt: Does He Know You? Until Death (4 of 4)
Here’s a small snippet of Mercedes’ and Sam’s argument, immediately following the disastrous Christmas Dinner at Nettie’s. I’ve added some GIFs for mood. Enjoy!
Sam’s mouth snapped shut. “Okay, sorry. That was out of line.”
Mercedes nodded, crossing her arms. “You’re damn right, it was. But it wasn’t nearly as out of line as everything else you just said, Sam!” Mercedes covered her eyes, groaning. “Oh my God, I can’t believe I didn’t see this earlier. I’ve been so blind. So stupid!”
“Hey, don’t do that.” Sam stood and quickly crossed to embrace her. “Babe, it’s not your fault. Some older folks just have racist views that we can’t change. I was a little surprised by Momma Pat and Mr. Jones’ reaction, but hey….”
“They have racist views?” Mercedes pulled away, visibly disgusted. “Sam, I was talking about you.”
“Me?” Sam laughed, “What? I’m racist?!”
“I don’t see color? I don’t see you as different? Would I even be here if I cared about the fact that you were black? How would I know about HBCUs, because I’m white?” Mercedes mocked, eyes wide. Sam frowned, still lost. “Oh my god, Sam! You don’t hear anything wrong with what you said?”
“I know you want me to say yes, but….” Sam shrugged. That hollow feeling in the pit of his belly returned, more cavernous than before. “What did I say wrong? Tell me what I said wrong and I can fix it.” He reached for her hand again. This time, she did snatch it away, crossing to the other corner of the room.
“And that’s another problem, Sam. This whole ‘ditzy blond’ thing’s been a problem I’ve had with you since the beginning, and I’ve told you this.” Mercedes turned, crossing her arms. “It is not my job to teach you everything about my blackness. I am not your personal guide to all things Negro.”
“Woah, wait. I never said the N-word.”
Mercedes sighed in frustration, rubbing her eyes. “That’s not even the N-word, Sam.” She collected herself a moment, fighting the urge to slap him. “Sam, let me ask you a question. Do you even consider the fact that I’m black? Like, at all?”
Sam’s face scrunched. “Of course I do. I’m always aware of how white I am when I’m around your family. I can’t avoid it.”
“I didn’t ask you about how white you felt around my family. I asked you if you’ve ever thought about the fact that I’m black. What that means?” She prodded, hoping he’d think before he answered.
“Mercedes, of course I’ve thought about it. You’ve always been so proud to be black and I love that about you. What I’m saying is that I love you, regardless of how different we are. I don’t see your color or how different you are from me, I just see you.”
Mercedes exploded. “You keep saying that! You keep repeating that like it’s a compliment, like it’s supposed to make me happy! It doesn’t, Sam! Hearing you say that is the most ignorant thing you’ve said.”
“How is that ignorant? Don’t you love me in spite of the fact that I’m white? How is that any different?”
“It’s different because when people look at us, they don’t think ‘how was he ever lucky enough to get someone like her?’, Sam. They think ‘Why is that white man with that dark-skinned black woman? Why couldn’t he find someone like him?’ I get the weird looks and the cold treatment, Sam. Not you. And It’s because I’m black!”
Sam sighed, softening in understanding. “Mercy, they’re ignorant. I don’t care about what other people think….”
“No, Sam. You still don’t get it.” Mercedes did her best to collect herself again, formulating her thoughts. “I am so, so…. ridiculously proud to be black. Like, I can’t imagine being anything else. I love my heritage, I love our music, I love our food, I love the skin that I’m in…. everything. And I didn’t grow up always appreciating every part of my blackness, because ignorant folk here used to make me feel like I was ‘too black’ or ‘not black enough’ and I never quite knew where I fit. But I’ve found my place now, Sam. And, so much of who I am, so much of what you love about me is because I’ve embraced that. The color of my skin isn’t everything I am, but it is a big part of me.”
“And baby, I get that!”
“Do you?” she prodded. “Because if you did, you couldn’t love me in spite of my blackness. Black isn’t just my race and my pigment. It’s my soul, my heart, my rhythm and my backbone. Sam, when you say that, you negate all that makes me me. It’s worse than saying you don’t love me. It’s saying you don’t see me, not fully.”
Sam reflected, still confused, but battling guilt. “Mercedes, I—”
Mercedes shook her head, holding out her hand to stop him. “Sam, please let me finish.” She took a breath, fighting fresh tears as she revealed a part of herself she’d unknowingly kept hidden. “I’ve never said anything because I was afraid of messing up our relationship. But, I think not saying it has messed us up even more, so….here goes.” She clenched and unclenched her fists, working up her courage.
O-O
A/N: Don’t worry. No breakups on the horizon. But this conversation is LONG overdue. Nettie done started somethin’.....
