#interracial relationships

[writingwithcolor]

How can I tactfully make fun of a Woman of Color in my story?

Anonymous asks:

The main character of my story is an eleven-year-old black-and-asian girl who’s just moved to a little hamlet in northern Scotland. The first two people she meets, a pair of siblings about her age who have never seen anyone with dark skin or hair that isn’t straight and blonde or red, are gobsmacked to see her. Everyone knows everyone in that hamlet and they all see each other as family, so the siblings have never had to learn how to greet a stranger. They immediately start poking and prodding her, and asking what in the world she did to her hair, her skin, her eyes, and she grumpily asks what they did to theirs. There’s no malice behind their poking and prodding, only curiosity, and after this scene, no one bothers her about what she looks like again. This sequence is played for laughs, but is this the kind of thing that’s okay to play for laughs? I also want to make sure I handle it as tactfully as possible. This scene is used to establish that my main character is very out-of-place in the hamlet, and to show that the siblings are extremely sheltered and ignorant about the wider world.

As is, the “joke” is not funny; it’s just ignorant 

I do not see the humor in mocking a Black and Asian girl for their very natural traits, that have a heavy weight of discrimination and systematic racism working against them already, both historically and very much currently. 

You also describe her as being “poked and prodded" by these white girls. That alone is obtrusive and dehumanizing, to have them touch her to assuage their own curiosity like she is an object. Is this meant to be part of the humor too? If so, it also does not land.

Your story would not feel like a safe space, at least not for me, and likely other readers, if you make humor out of othering a BIPOC’s common physical looks and traits. This comes across as racism from the author, no matter your light-hearted intent.

“…and she grumpily asks what they did to theirs.”

Your Blasian character’s mumbled comeback doesn’t hold equal weight when these girls do not have historical racialized prejudice against them for their hair, skin, and eyes, particularly in the setting of your story where these white people's hair, skin and eyes are the norm and deemed acceptable. 

Your Woman of Color is outnumbered here; besides possibly mild discomfort, this comment won’t leave these white girls feeling out of place when they have a nation of blond-haired, redheaded people to back up that they are the majority and the “normal” and she is the odd-one out. 

Unless the character takes it to their level with the comments and returns the evasion of personal space, this simply feels like she’s saying “I know you are, but what am I?” and that's enough correction to address their racism and dehumanization, intentional or not.

Race-based humor requires a delicate, expert touch

All that being said; a scene of surprise and humor related to her presence could take place, and it could even be “funny” without singling out the Character of Color as being the victim of a joke” for being Black and Asian. 

The success of your joke will depend on if it’s relatable to BIPOC, vs. it appearing as if you’re just making fun of our features, cultures and existence.

It should make us feel vindicated and satisfied with the outcome, vs. simply reminding us of the harm and othering people do/have done to us in similar situations.

There is a distinct difference between laughing with a joke and being laughed out: being the punchline of said joke. When the latter happens, I’d know I am in enemy territory and the book will be put down for good.

I wouldn’t trust what is next to come if this is the first impression we’re getting of how you’ll treat this character.

And it’s not about not being able to take a joke — we sure can! 

Humor is actually a key component in many Black communities (particularly American which is where my perspective comes from), a way to honor the good moments and to process trauma and ongoing harm. 

There’s also a distinct difference between laughing at ourselves and among common company vs. someone intruding in our spaces to make a joke at our expense. 

Comedic writing

Important note to any comedic writers: there are cases where some topics and moments will simply not be funny to most, especially coming from an outsider of the group.

(Notes on my experience: I am a HUGE comedy fan with a natural love for humor, consume comedic-material daily, and attend live comedic performances. My laughter can be heard across the nation.)

Comedians as research

Humor that pertains to race (and towards all marginalized communities, really) must punch up, not down, or it’s not really a joke. It is just thinly veiled racism/sexism/phobia, etc. This concept applies to all comedy and some comedians handle it well, while others (too many) fail. Time and place makes a major difference as well. 

For research, you could do the following:

Search examples of humor based on race, gender, religion etc. where audiences either loved it or condemned the comedian for it. This could give you a baseline on how it’s done well and when it lands poorly. You can learn a lot from both cases.

Read and watch people’s reactions and discourse of said jokes, particularly from the very people from those communities. (e.g., If the bad joke harmed or targeted Black women, give weight to their discourse over any other group. Period.)

Where to find these jokes and discourse

Search engine search

YouTube

Comedian social media pages

Instagram

TikTok

Facebook

Blogs

Streaming channels like Netflix

Jokes found within TV shows, particularly shows with more risque or blunt jokes that make identity-humor (The Office (US), Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Curb Your Enthusiasm, etc.)

And don’t forget to look at the comment sections.

Questions to ask yourself while researching:

Failed jokes/comedy towards marginalized groups

What did people [of the identity] find offensive about the joke(s)? 

Beyond obvious fails such as using slurs from outside the group or black/brown/yellowface, what aspects in their delivery made a joke fail, whether overt or more subtle aspects of it?

Did present or historical context affect the failure of the joke?

What was the aftermath or consequences from the joke and overall community reactions? 

Does the comedian’s background seem to contribute to the failure of the joke? (For example, having a history of picking on a certain group, their history of interactions with said group, documented history of racism, anti-xxx, sexism, assault, etc.)

Successful jokes/comedy towards marginalized groups

What did people [of the identity] find funny about the joke? 

What aspects in their delivery made a joke land, whether in overt or subtle ways?

Does present or historical context affect the success of the joke?

What was the aftermath from the joke and overall community reactions? 

Does the comedian’s background seem to contribute to the success of the joke? (For example, being an ally or having strong activism in the group, being connected to the group via partner, family or friendships, being of the same background, etc.)

Addressing the racism in story

As we’ve said before: if there are microaggressions/racism in your story, it should be corrected and addressed in the story. 

It should not be brushed off or used as humor with no commentary. 

From how you describe these girls, I'm curious if they're just crass children, or truly do not know it’s wrong to treat strangers like this. I’ve got a lot of nieces and nephews, and even the ones a little younger/around that age you mention would know better than to start touching people and making such comments. 

Of course, people are raised in different ways and cultures vary, so maybe this is realistic for them. 

Reactions (from my experiences) of someone talking/interacting with BIPOC for the first time

Staring unyieldingly with open curiosity (sometimes expressionless, sometimes with a smile, rarely have I seen over the top fear or panicked reactions, but they could happen?)

Blunt compliments, observations and questions (e.g., She was dark and she was beautiful! The lady with beautiful dark skin! He had big hair!)

An excessive amount of comments and questions to the point of feeling invasive or like a dissection 

Asking why their skin/hair/eyes are how they are (e.g., why is your skin dark? Why is my skin light and your skin is dark?)

Comparing darker skin to things they’re familiar with like chocolate and night skies (obviously not greatttt, but is just a common comparison children might make, again from what I've observed)

Referring to brown skin as being painted

Asking if they are dark because they spent too much time in the sun

Giving them a nickname based on their appearance (e.g., The brown lady)

Reaching out or trying to touch hair, skin etc. or pointing at them

The above, including the examples, are exact scenarios I’ve witnessed and experienced first-hand from white and light-skinned children of younger ages, generally 4-7years, having reactions or making comments of curiosity about skin and traits that are different than theirs. 

Handling these reactions

Obviously children of this age are generally innocent and these questions/observations aren’t generally said with malice. But when they are wrong, offensive or are rooted in racism, they absolutely need correction, whether bluntly if they’re older, or in a kid-appropriate way.

I believe that these children do:

1.Deserve an answer, explained in a way they would understand. We shouldn’t shy around the topics and it is not shameful to talk about race! Colorblindness is not real and is a racist concept itself that attempts to erase and culturally-diminish BIPOC, so it’s okay to discuss. Children of Color are born with the burdens of racism from day one and can/do face it at all ages, so yes, let’s answer their curious questions, but correct where needed.

2. Can handle gentle corrections.

Examples:

“You shouldn’t call the woman chocolate. She’s a person, like you. She is not made of candy. You can refer to her skin as brown.”

“That’s enough questions. Let them answer your first question, if they want to.”

“You can look at him, but staring is not very polite. Would you like to say hello?”

“We do not touch people without permission. Would you like it if a stranger touched your hair and clothes?”

Adding humor to these moments

I suppose there are ways to make some of these reactions humorous. Your mileage will vary, though. I’d like to note that Alice, who grew up in a predominantly white European country, says your current scenario brings up bad memories for her. You’ll hear from Mod Abhaya as well.

So, what you may see as funny may be more discomforting to another.

I’d advise getting opinions on these scenes to gauge reactions from Black, Asian and other BIPOC and readers overall (of any race).

Here are some ways that a curious/ignorant reaction could, possibly, be funny in story:

Your Blasian character corrects them with a long, silent scalding look that makes them wither and instantly regret and realize they’ve said something ignorant. They have to do the thinking themselves to realize their wrongdoing.

She rewards their ignorance with a spray of a water bottle or a swat of a handkerchief, fan, or whatever is era-appropriate. A few words explaining why she’s doing it would reiterate the fault in their words. Note: this works best if physical humor is part of your story, otherwise it can unfairly paint her as violent. If other characters get involved in the corrections, that would help too.

She returns their treatment equally. (e.g., they pet her skin? She pets theirs. They compare her hair to something odd and unflattering? She compares theirs to greasy noodles and dead grass)

If excessive questions are asked, she returns the favor and asks her own and makes them feel uncomfortable right back (see above)

The character intentionally provides tall tale explanations. It could be simple or a myth of epic proportions. Whether they believe it or not, at least at first, could determine how funny it is).

The girls, having realized their innocent/ignorant wrongdoing, apologize in an over-the-top way that entertains your character.

Again! Please correct or chastise this behavior in the narrative

Whether from characters or author, this behavior should be deemed unacceptable.

In Summary:

Framing the ignorant comments as being the source of humor is something I'd advise against. Source the humor from the resulting consequences that come from their ignorant actions. Let your Character of Color get the true last laugh.

And if the children grow sullen or have their feelings hurt in this story, well, lesson learned to treat the young woman like a human.

Additionally, I'd avoid making truly egregious comments about the character's appearance. It may be fiction, but such words hurt when us real people have these features.

Take your creator responsibility role seriously. You are writing the words of these fictional characters, and some things cannot be unheard or taken back.

~Mod Colette

Intent does not excuse harm

Short answer: an individual lack of malice does not mean that someone’s actions are not harmful or indicative of broader attitudes. Playing something like this for laughs, when many people have had bad experiences like this, leaves a sour taste in the mouth.

Longer answer: 

There are a couple of aspects of this that I would ask you to consider. 

You mention them poking and prodding at her. Are you intending to imply that these children do not understand the concept of personal space? I would assume most parents teach their children about not going up to strangers and touching them at random.

What time period is this placed in? Have they never seen a person of color on television or via the internet? Even if they have never interacted personally with a person of color, most children will have seen people of different ethnicities passively through the media. Many children’s books will show people of varying ethnicities. If they are tweens, how are they at a point where they have never seen people of color before? I would consider their actions to be indicative of deliberate aspects of their upbringing i.e. representative of attitudes shown by their parents or guardians.

Establishing your main character as a firm outsider to the setting by emphasizing her physical characteristics does not seem like it will reflect well to the audience. I understand that the incident is not repeated, but it sets an awkward precedent for the character coming into an entirely new environment.

As someone who has had their braid swung around like a jump rope by a random classmate, I would personally consider an incident like this harassment. Consider why you are choosing to frame something like this as comedic.

- Mod Abhaya

Published 10/25/2025

[saintsir4n]

when it comes to an interracial ship in any show or in reality in general they always assume the black person is masculine, especially the woman. even in friendships.

[spaceshipsandpurpledrank]

[checkyourasianbias]

And he doesn’t have to! There are plenty of people, especially first and second generation Americans whose families come from non-white or non “western” countries, who have more mainstream life experiences than others. But you’d think there might be something in his interaction with his family, or his interaction with other people, that might indicate some background or racial makeup that isn’t white. There’s very little put forth about the racial dynamics between Dev and any of the white characters, even when compared to the other characters of color who have issues on set partially related to their own racial backgrounds. This is especially strange during the denouement, which I won’t talk too much about because I still want you to read it. But Dev could totally have been Dave — change all the skin color references and the throwaway line about his parents being from India, and Dave would just be a generic white dude from South Carolina.  (This is not to say that a character is inauthentic because of the way they’re represented in the book in regards to race-based and place-based history and presence. It’s more that to me, the character would feel more authentic with those extra elements built in. There is no universal experience for a group, whether they are members of a certain race, nationality, or religious group. But there is something that connects them, anyway, especially when they exist in white spaces.)

"SINGLE ALL THE WAY and the Variables of Interracial Romance" by Jessica Pryde

[andromacheofappalachia]

I'll always ship them with happiness and a long life

[entertainmentgal8]

Mixed Love 🤍🤎🖤❤️🧡💛💚

Being in a melting pot world like America, it has its ups & downs,

But it's not complicated, like being in a mixed relationship until now.....

Interracial relationships are no different than the same race relationships that we are dealing with.

Truth be told, it's something about relationships like this that the way, like a glue that it's stick.

Being in a mixed-race relationship, it's not a bad thing, especially when y'all two get together, have love for each other, and are equally yoke.

Sometimes, not everything is gonna be sunshine and rainbows because people think that you need to date like yours....

In the future, when you have kids that gonna be biracial or mixed-race,

you have to prepare them for the world when they get older, or it gonna slap them in the face....

So, all in all, there is nothing wrong with being in love with someone who is another race that treats you well regardless of what you look like....

However, it's like two aliens come from different races come together and fall in love, but no regrets and deals with it, just fine.

[shaffyreads]

I think there's a reason behind the negativity Black women meet when dating or marrying non-Black men--It's the way Black women are historically heavily policed in their choices compared to other women.

So often, Black women are pigeon-holed. Black women are expected to be "loyal." And they're allowed to be attractive, but not so attractive that it threatens the status of non-Black women, ESPECIALLY white women.

A Black woman choosing someone who is not Black is an illustration of her taking control of her own autonomy. It's her saying, "I can make my own choices for myself. I also don't care if you like it or not," and people tend to be made uncomfortable by that.

But one of the worst things about this discomfort is that there is always going to be a risk for Black women who get involved in interracial relationships, but when a Black woman's relationship is found to be toxic or abusive, it's met with, "See? That's what happens when you choose a [insert non-Black man here], so no sympathy for her!"

And yes, there are Black women who date and marry interracially due to self-hatred. That's not who I'm talking about here.

[sixties-doctor-who-stan]

Seeing several (I assume white, I am also white btw) people saying go "ooh Conrad wouldn't approve of interracial relationships"...

Did (white) people not realise Belinda and "John Smith" were in an interracial relationship?

Genuinely shocked to learn that some people don't consider two non-white people (but of different races) to be interracial (I mean I GUESS you could say that Conrad doesn't either...)