#intheapplefumes

[disarmd]

i get up and turn on the grow lights that aren't on timers and feed the cat, and then i mix modified citrus pectin and psyllium husks in kefir for soluble fibre because if my digestive system is slimy maybe my stupid sacs won't get infected again, and maybe modified citrus pectin helps heal the gut, and maybe kefir has good probiotics. and then i stand outside on my balcony, which is tiny and overlooks a parking lot, because maybe seeing the sky helps your circadian rhythm, and drink the sludge. and i think, like, i'm 39. i'm turning 40 this year. i had so many ideas of what i wanted to do with my time before i hit 40. when i was 38 i was going to get into strength training, but then immediately i ripped something in my shoulder; i was going to travel, but then i had to come home early because even with the strongest anti nausea pills from the hospital i couldn't stop barfing. and then i was going to get back to normal and try again this year, and instead i got mildly septic. and now it's been six months that i haven't had one day of feeling healthy. and i felt so sad that i wasn't able to do the things i wanted and that, now, i can't do anything at all. but i get up and i try to look after myself and i can feel the heat of the sun on my face and there are some flower bushes in bloom along the fence boarding the parking lot i look down on. i'm scared about aging, and i can eat overnight oats with collagen powder because maybe that will help my joints in the future, but i also feel closer to accepting - a tiny minuscule amount closer - that i can't control what's going to happen. there's no volume of work i can do to prevent bad things. though i am also grateful to my younger self for all she did to make my life as stable as it is now. i think maybe that's the rhythm of the cycle. you work in your 20s and 30s to set up a life and then you just have to learn how to live it. and that means having to accept that you're not alive anywhere except in the present moment. but i think there is a joy just to being alive. my cat waits for me on the other side of the screen door. my condo's filled with plants i grew. the collagen powder is chocolate flavoured and i also added some vanilla paste. i'm helping my body feel safe again. we're not fighting as many ghosts.

[disarmd]

your girl got a colonoscopy today and survived it. i was going to make a post this morning like, if you never hear from me again they killed me through my butt, but i didn't want to jinx anything. just taking that hot girls with tummy troubles life to the extreme. the sedation did not work which is a bummer because i was alert and it hurt but also because i don't drink or smoke cannabis these days and i kind of wanted to feel intoxicated again. instead my biggest rush was taking lots of gravel and falling asleep at 9:30 last night despite my stomach being extremely fucked up from not being able to eat all day. will my tummy ever be okay? no one knows, including the GI. and yet we continue onward.

[disarmd]

the thing with my body is that for a while it was a house of horrors, and my nervous system was like THERE'S FUCKING MONSTERS IN HERE and like yes, true, for a while there were monsters (bacteria) and my body did a good job not letting the bacteria or my own immune system kill me went we went a bit septic, but now it's like WE'RE STILL FUCKING HAUNTED except the ghosts it's reacting to are me standing up. the way the light reflecting off water ripples looks like shapes. walking for too long. walking when it's really windy outside. walking. stretching for too long. stretching too intensely. scrolling on the sale page of banana republic. any kind of movement on a screen. flower petals that are too small. and the way it's trying to fight the ghosts is by cancelling my blood pressure. ceasing the circulation of my blood. dizzy dizzy dizzy. the ~~~~~ malaise ~~~~~~. vivid nightmares. headache body ache extreme experience of discomfort as pain. and it's like, i know my whole digestive system got destroyed but it's back now! we can eat up to many different foods again! the whole point of an autonomic nervous system is that it's supposed to handle things automatically, but no. full time attention on vigilance against monsters. minimum 4-6 litres of water required. ideally 9 hours of sleep, except of course the nightmares. lay in bed. close your eyes. look at nothing. what if the monsters come back? they might be among us right now actually. high alert. let's turn every signal up to 5000.

[disarmd]

ct scans are like "tell her she needs more ct scans i love being close" so they always give you too much information, and in addition to other things mine was like bla bla COMPRESSION and VACUUMING and other things wrong with your back, so i went to a physio today. and! he was like. actually that structural stuff is not anything to worry about, backs compress just like skin sags over time and structural stuff is not corresponded with pain and actually you're a back hero in fact because you used to get back spasms and now you don't, and he said the list of exercises he'd written out for me are worse than the ones i'm already doing and so i don't need to change or add anything, and that's amazing. the physio gave me a good grade in backs. turns out it reasonable and achievable after all.

[disarmd]

Laura random questions but do you have any WIPs? any fic goals this year? any projects you're most excited about or fics you've been wanting to write but haven't yet?

hi nonnie, i would say it's more of the last one. i haven't been writing much if at all lately because i'm still feeling terrible. i've been trying not to just constantly complain about my health, but i haven't felt good one single day since this all started at the end of november. i went for another CT scan on wednesday to make sure i didn't still have an infection, which i don't, but my whole digestive system is garbage and i am fatigued to the point of being non functional. i'm off work for the entire month of march.

it's weird to be sick in a way where nothing i do helps. i mean, i'm careful about what i eat and i don't drink alcohol or caffeine or use cannabis, i'm as sober as a human can be, and i go for as much of a walk as i'm able to and stretch every day, but i'll get so tired i feel dizzy and there's nothing that helps except lying down. when i was talking to my doctor a couple weeks ago, after i'd had another flare (inflammation but not infection) i was like, well maybe this other strain of probiotic? and she was like, probiotics won't help during active flares, that's when you're feeling better and rebuilding your gut biome. like to be at the point where fucking probiotics are an inspirational future state.... and in the meantime i just have to lie down and lie down and lie down.

i have to go for a third CT scan this upcoming wednesday to make sure this extra thing that just happened showed up on the original CT scan is nothing, and i have to be there at 6:15 am after losing an hour for daylight savings. it's too early, and like it's not that big a deal, but to get the IV in last week, the guy stabbed me in three different places before saying my veins were impossible and getting another guy to use a ultrasound to insert the needle. everything is just hard all the time. i never feel well. i've had to rebook getting my hair dyed so many times that i've finally just cancelled entirely because i can't stand the disappointment of like, well surely in a few weeks, next month, the month after that i will finally be well enough to sit at the hair salon for three hours, and then i never can.

there are certainly there are things i want to write, and various wips and ideas and stuff, but while i don't have writing goals at the best of times (i don't think it helps to apply productivity/hustle culture to a hobby), i absolutely don't have them now. i just want to feel normal again. i want my stomach to stop hurting. i want to make it through the day without feeling so dizzy i have to lie down. i want to be able to eat joyfully. i want to be able to see friends.

i'd like to be able to write more as well, but it's pretty far down on the list.

[disarmd]

this is the brazilian rain tree i was supposed to bonsai

i genuinely did prune this so many times along the way but in my quest to get it healthy and established i ended up growing it SIX FEET WIDE. that is unreasonable.

there is obviously a large part of me that wishes i could just grow every plant as large as it would get, but i live in a 900 sqft condo, and of all the plants to grow huge, this is actually a terrible one because it has these fine little leaves that drop constantly. all year long. tiny leaves sprinkling everywhere.

so i did a huge chop, which is hard to see because the leaves are too small to photograph well.

but it fits much better in it's home now.

i think in a month i'll probably try to cute back 25% of it's roots because it is so unbelievably root bound but i simply cannot keep moving it to bigger pots.

it's a funny thing about growing plants, thinking about what they could be (i mean this one, outdoors, literally a tree). i have so many plants that have hit the ceiling, like as an immediate example that philodendron tenue behind the raintree that is touching the ceiling now. a plant's ability to grow so quickly eclipses what is possible in indoor space. i wish i could have a full sized raintree but i don't want to deal with the leaves and also it grows this two inch long THORNS which are incredibly sharp and so i wouldn't actually want to be navigating around a weaponized plant in my home. even though it would be beautiful.

[disarmd]

some information about my plant milk journey this week, because I bought a milking machine and it’s occupied 55% of my waking attention. I’d say just the plain old cashew is the tastiest, and is not ruined by also adding a modest sprinkle of hemp and spoon of pumpkin seeds. I know I love hazelnut milk but the ones I got have their skins and actually milk very bitter, which is unfortunate. all the milks are pretty thick (complimentary) because my machine doesn’t strain, like it used the whole thing, but oats are like so so thick (derogatory). the walnuts and macadamias nuts taste quite nutty in ways you wouldn’t necessarily expect. coconut is very coconutty. the milk comes out of the machine hot, which is fine for like practical reasons but I generally hate hot drinks and I find the smell of the hot milk sooooo noxious. but then it goes in a jar in the fridge and that’s fine. I still haven’t found one I like in hot coffee but I also barely like hot coffee so I guess that’s fair. I thought maybe drinking like nice vanillay cashew milk sweetened with dates from a jar would fix it being November and I guess in a way it has because I have been on an unbelievable milking high for the last four days. I forgot I also have almonds so we’ll see if that’s the cure to unlocking hot coffee milk.

[disarmd]

top five pictures of marlow

[top 5/10] thank you so much for asking @onadarklingplain and @janinaduszejko, here are four of his modelling shots and then one candid for realism (my leg is his favourite scratching post and yes he does love biting my feet).