Hello there, Imaginary Friend(s) and Foe(s)
Yesterday was probably one of the better of my worst days (if that even makes any sense). I couldn't bear being at home, even though I really didn't want to go out. And I had a meeting to attend that I couldn't put off anymore. So I got dressed (by that I mean grabbing the nearest clothes I could leave the house in) and headed out.
By the time I got to the bus stop, I was a panicked mess, and was chewing my lips so much till I drew blood (nervous habit... beats peeling the skin out from under my nails...) My eye sight was pretty shot, even the glasses didn't really help.
And then HE was there. Saying, Hey, let's ditch this place. I know a place we can go that's quiet and not crowded. And I almost responded. Oh, how close I was to responding! I turned away though. It's not the first time, it wasn't going to be the last. He's always going to be lurking nearby. He's not real though. I mean, if he was, I'd know his name by now, wouldn't I? We'd been "hanging out" for, what, the last 10 years or so? And yet I still don't get a name from him. Also if he was real he wouldn't be sitting outside my window every night.
Which brings me to this - I seem to have accumulated a rather long list of "friends" from a different dimension. There's Kitty, who's always around, unless there was a REAL cat around - somehow, she's afraid of them. Then there's Him. Then there's that troop of faceless creatures... it's like they are just waiting, waiting for you to trip and make a mistake, and they'd consume your soul... And then there's that panda that eats shoes. He's purple where he's suppose to be white... maybe he fell into a vat of dye? Then the rabbits that climb trees... and Her. She's probably the most terrifying of all. She looks like someone I should know, that maybe I used to know. But she's all pale and sickly looking. She never speaks though. She comes around sometimes, and just...just exists. And it freaks me out.
And here's the thing - I don't know how to make them "go away". I don't know what triggers the worst of it, and I don't know why. I do know how to appear "normal" (although it takes heaps of effort and ingenuity... including never going anywhere without earphones) and sometimes I screw up.
There was once, a while ago, where I was taking a walk at night after work. It was winter, so the weather was nice and cool, and I quite enjoyed walking home afterwork most nights. It wasn't a long walk, about half-an-hour, maybe one, to get home. And I was fine most nights. I'd get an ice-cream midway, and just waltz the last bit home.
So everything was fine that night, up till when I got to where I usually would stop for an ice-cream. There was this huge rat, running around a water-feature, with not care at all, even when I walked up to it. So I took a picture - for which it posed - and sent it to a friend, partly to make sure that it wasn't yet another hallucination, and also because I'd been texting him the whole way (as I would most nights) to let him know I wasn't in trouble. So there I was, watching the rat go about his business, when this random dude comes up for a chat. I don't remember what we were talking about, but we chatted for a bit. Well, until I realised I was getting stares from other people. Before realising, wait, no. This is HIM. He's not real. I shouldn't be talking to him.
At that point, I started to panic, and after texting the friend, pretty much ran home. And HE kept following. I finally got home, and I was such a mess I could barely get the keys in - and for the next few days, He just hung out in the yard, or at the front gate. It was worse than having a real stalker - at least if he was a real person, you could call the cops on him. If I had tried to call anyone though, at that point, I'd probably have found myself in hospital all over again.
Sometimes, I really wish that all this would just, go away, stop, and leave me alone. I've considered giving up fighting the system, and allowing myself to be marked, labeled and medicated to a haze, but then that wouldn't work if I wanted out of here. And then I remember those rare and wonderful creatures and their antics that I've seen as well - the dragons, the acrobatic tree-climbing bunnies, the panda deciding that he didn't much care for cross-trainers... and some other more intricate and shy ones. And I'd miss them terribly if they'd gone away. They were the inspiration for so many of my creations, that, I'd be an empty shell without them.
So here I am, stubborn as always, nervous as always, but hanging on to that little bit of sweetness that I find in that other world - even if it's filled monsters and demons.