My Complex Relationship with a Song
Back in August I wrote about my pure adoration for Connie Constance’s track ‘Lose My Mind’ (http://bit.ly/2exxQsd). It calms me and provides much solace to an aspect of my life which is currently under strain. It is brought to life by my own interpretation of the song, applying my own circumstances to the words that Constance sings. But now, as I mention in my latest radio show The Mixtape, the context of this, my context has become more complex. I question why the song now comforts me at all when my reading of it rests upon a single friendship which I fear is fragmenting. Fragmenting because in my view it has been subject to a collection of thoughts and non-actions on my part; apathy, jealousy, a lack of humour, a fading support. A series of errors and irrationalities which cycle through my head, from pronounced to dull but always present.
To reduce the track unfairly down to a sentiment, it is a love song, though the implied context you hear is also a reflection of the self. How the two ideas interact is intimate and exemplified by the multiple vocal melodies that build and fray throughout. In terms of my interpretation I feel it is important to say that I am not in love, I have not been in love for years, not romantically. Being human it is something that I crave and yes my want for company and genuine interaction has been mistaken for romantic motives. Of course, you do not need love of that kind to have love for someone, and it is not needed for a good friendship to flourish. But all the support, the comfort, the time I have been given by this one person… which the songs reminds me of, I feel as if I cannot reciprocate. And it hurts me so much to think that I cannot do so; that I can’t make this person laugh the way others do, that I don’t ask the right questions, that there are times where I fail to ask what the other has simply been up to, and equally the times I have left without responding appropriately to a “take care”, a “have a good day”. I sit there and I watch as other friends and generally just people are present and beyond in this person’s life. It has reached a level where I feel like I do not know how to be this person’s friend anymore and the prospect of seeing them fills me with an almost-dread. Though…
I still listen to the song.
It still provides me solace.
And so the very franticness of the feelings being expressed above are questioned and I am no closer to understanding it.
@ioradiouk // https://www.facebook.com/ioradiothemixtape/
