Not so much Lost in the System but…
Mid-November 2015 I hesitantly pick up my phone and text a friend asking if it’s ok to ring. A positive reply is received. I pause… With a growing sense of dread I press to ring and slowly lift my phone to my ear. The dull trills seem to last a lifetime as I wait for an answer. This phone-call signalled to my friend that things were not as they should be; a deteriorating state of mental health which had seemingly come from nowhere. Incoherent explanations of my thoughts were naturally met with confusion and I wouldn’t even talk in detail about what was happening because I was so scared of what would be thought of me, what others would then say about me. A feeling that has not left me.
December 2015 I go to a GP. The system where I live in theory is meant to make it easy for someone to get an appointment by offering times at different surgeries if one venue is fully booked. It does not make it easier… after numerous phone-calls on the mornings of numerous days I finally get to see someone. I take time out of work secretly to drive about 30 mins to the GP. It’s busy and uncomfortably warm which does not calm my growing anxiety. They are running about 40 mins late. All I can think is that I should be back before the next hour strikes to finish the work I had left to be here. As this deadline passes more worry, more heat, and I’m surrounded by sick old people. My name gets called. I am rushed into a room. I am rushed to speak. I do not know how I am meant to speak about this at all let alone quickly. However with previous experience of mental health difficulties at least I have a starting point unlike some people in similar positions. I am given some leaflets… I am told there are some groups that offer support but also after hearing what I have said the GP says words to the effect of “but it doesn’t sound like a group environment will be beneficial to you”. End of appointment. All I want is to speak to someone one to one but after this I feel totally discouraged from speaking to anyone at all. I’ve spent so long waiting that I rush home to try and finish work. I make my excuses about why I haven’t been able to.
March-ish 2016 I am encouraged to go back to a GP. I go to a different practice and see a wonderful nurse who not only listened to me but directed me to clarify what exactly it is I am feeling, as best as I could. She gives me some leaflets. Then tells me I have to go to the surgery I had previously visited to see a mental health link worker. At this point all I can think is that I hope it is not the same person as I saw previously…
I go back to the one place I don’t want to be… I see the mental health link worker (who is thankfully not the person who had no time for me). They essentially repeat everything the nurse had said, also admitting the mental health services in this part of the country are not adequate, not meeting the demand of the service and that waiting is inevitable. She then tells me the main point of entry is the Suffolk Wellbeing service which adopts a self-referral process. This is the first time I hear the words “self-referral”. Why didn’t anyone else tell me this before??? Months wasted… If I had known then I wouldn’t have had to even go to a GP… frustrated and feeling pretty f***ing worthless I head home. The next day I refer myself to Suffolk Wellbeing…
At this stage about 2 people know I have referred myself.
I wait for a fortnight for a letter to come through the post. I then wait for a phone-call about having a phone assessment to help decide what kind of support I could get from the service. A phone assessment is booked. I wait about a month for this to happen.
I have a phone assessment. I still do not feel confident in finding the words to coherently speak about how I feel. It’s a clunky call, me speaking myself into circles while questions try to clarify my standing. The phone-call turned out to be a relevancy test. Assessing whether it is appropriate for me to use the service. Although asked about what support I think I need – someone to speak to, I just want someone to talk to! – everyone is made to go through a series of lectures referring to mental health. I am told about a series of lectures under the title of ‘Stress Control’. Even those words are generalised. I am told in order to access any further support I must attend these. I am then told the next set of lectures is in September 2016. If my situation deteriorates in this gap i am encouraged to contact my GP. And I think we can all agree that I won’t be doing that.
Typically I miss the first lecture as I was abroad. I attend the rest. For each lecture you are asked to fill out a questionnaire to assess your levels of anxiety and depression. It was late last year that I found out these were written by drugs companies, which explains why all the words used in the questionnaire are all so doom and gloom. They are geared up to signal that someone needs drugs not that they need support. There is a massive difference. Why this is an accepted method in understanding someone’s mental health in this capacity I fail to understand.
The lectures themselves have an audience of about 30 people so the content is diluted… heavily diluted. They mention processes and plans to figure out your vicious cycle and to rationalise your thoughts which is all fine. Fine if you don’t have a job or any sort of commitment so you could actually spend time doing it at the moment of anxiety or depressive moods. They of course also encourage making time in an evening or weekend to figure out thought processes. Each week little handbooks for each topic are given out to refer back to every generalised thing that is said at the lectures. I go through all the handbooks. I still have them and will again revisit. Mainly because what else am I meant to do?
(Side note: Lectures, in terms of someone’s interest in the topic is affected by the person leading the lecture, the person speaking at the front of the room. I suggest they review some of those speakers.)
At the end of the last lecture we are all told what happens next. We will receive a letter through the post. It will either state that judging from your questionnaires that it is not believed you require further support OR it invites you to request a review assessment.
I wait a couple of weeks for my letter.
It invites me to review if I so wish. Yeah I think I’ll do that. It take multiple attempts across a few days to get through to the service on the phone. Saturated is the word that comes to mind. And a review phone assessment is booked.
I wait for a letter to confirm.
November 2016 my phone assessment arrives and I again attempt to explain what it is I am feeling. The person on the phone tells me I have explained myself very well and really tries to give me the support she knows I need. She suggests a couple of options and then asks me to hold the line… she comes back with the option of seeing someone face to face for a CBT assessment. The seeing someone in a one on one situation was what I knew I needed from the beginning… I am told there will be a wait. Realistically I will be waiting until Feb 2017… My feelings of content after being listened to and feeling as if the person on the end of the phone went out of her way to help me was met with disillusionment. I know it is not their fault that I have to wait. They don’t have that sort of control over how the service they provide is implemented. They can only use the resources they have to provide the best possible support for the increasing influx of people with mental ill health. But reading this you can imagine how my frustration over all these gaps has by now turned into a reluctant acceptance and well I feel pretty bummed out…
Surprisingly come January I receive a letter in the post with an appointment date on in. It’s for that very same month!
I recently attended this session, one-to-one, face-to-face and because of it was able to talk openly about what I consider to be the problem, where I think it stems from and what I think will help. You can’t have that kind of interaction with someone over the phone or during a lecture. Because this system really enjoys circles the support which is then offered to me, as after all this was just another point of contact to direct me to another area of support, is group CBT. I have by this point already expressed my fear of group support, that I will not be able to address the things I need to with others there but after discussing all the options this was still the support thought to be most beneficial to me at this time. Upon leaving I feel a mixture of relief and well I just want to give up.
I am currently waiting for someone to tell me when this group CBT will begin.
I’ve been referred to Suffolk Wellbeing since March 2016. My first GP visit concerning this which I would still count as part of “the system” December 2015… It has been over a year since I sought professional help. I don’t exactly feel positive about the time I have been working through this process. You must agree this is not acceptable. Perhaps needless to say I do not have the money to pay for talking therapy or other types of support. I live in a village in Suffolk and in terms of professional help I am not even close to feeling like I am supported.
To reiterate Suffolk Wellbeing are not completely at fault here. There is a bigger issue to hand including the general awareness of what mental health is and the conditions referring to it as a result of mental ill health. There is no one model that will ensure that this experience is not replicated many times over. It is not something that can be rolled out nationally, it must be tailored at least regionally and again to the individuals using the service. The resource in this region is poor. I have had mental health first aid training to help others (yeah… I know right… others…) for both adults and young people, both tutors of those courses explained the state of mental health support structures in this country as poor. Theresa May in her grand Charity Commission speech focused on mental health. Her words were welcome but a significant number of mental health charities have voiced their concerns over the plans and unfortunately as is usually the case money has a lot to do with this. On the subject of charities it would be ignorant of me not to mention the growing number of organisations that exist to advise and help those with mental health issues. Time to Change, Mind, Young Minds, Blurt Foundation to name a few. And for a more creative take on it The Sad Ghost Club are a personal favourite. They make zines and other crafty bits all centred around mental health with the money they make from sales going towards workshops with young people to express their mental health creatively. There is a growing amount of online resources available.
I 100% do not want to discourage anyone from using the kind of service that I am still using especially if you are struggling with your mental health. These are the kinds of services that should be a go to and should address your needs genuinely and in a timely manner. I write about my experiences not to unjustly criticise but because more awareness is needed of both mental health conditions and the support structures that are in place.
As a final note try as hard as can to not fall silent. I have not included in the above the ongoing support I get from friends who I hope know how thankful I am for them being in my life. It has been difficult trying to explain my thoughts to those who have had no experience of anxiety and depression but if I didn’t say anything at all then my situation would deteriorate further. I am just sorry that they have equally had to spend this amount of time living alongside this.