ADAPT FORM

Acknowledge moments when original form is questioned and ideas are presented differently. All you need to create is space.

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“Well.. Let’s go camping...”

Harry Potter fans this one is for you! A visual summary of the entire story by the fabulous @lucyknisley < < < check out her Tumblr for more awesome illustrations and cast a closer look at the Summharry for all it’s quirky details! 

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Monogrenade - Le Fantome

Past, present and future tenses interact as an individual walks through stationary moments of his memory in order to find feelings that have clearly left him. 

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DJing The Cock and Pye, Ipswich this Friday for a Rock’n’Roll Valentines special! If you’re around come along and have a boogie!  Poster also designed by me! 

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My Blurry Face and Back are in Ed Sheeran’s Castle on the Hill Music Video

Sometime in December my sister sent me a pic of an advert. The film company Somesuch were looking for extras for a shoot in Framlingham, Suffolk. Honestly when i first saw it the word that stuck out the most on the ad was “paid”. By no means an actor I thought well why not give it a go and I sent the film company an email and some pictures of my face (they did ask!). A couple of days later the Somesuch crew get back to me with an enthusiastic “great! Can you be at this place at this time?”. 2 things; first thank you for confirming my face as adequate i feel great, and second at this stage I still have no idea what this shoot is for but I blindly agree to go along. The day before the producer phones me to double check everything is a-ok for me to get to Framlingham, going through all the logistical details that needed confirming, formalities. Near the end of the phone-call I’m asked how much I know about the shoot. The truth then unfolds. The shoot is for Ed Sheeran’s next music video ‘Castle on the Hill’. On the phone I’m like ok cool, inside I’m like WHUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!?!?!?!!!. I am asked not to say anything to anyone in case a flurry of fans come and destroy the small Suffolk town or Ed. Then a phone-call from wardrobe (I know right… legit) going through fashion related things which was essentially wear what you usually do.

Next day I get my ass out of bed to drive to Fram College where there are many many people loitering professionally outside a catering van. I ask someone where on earth I am meant to be and am taken to where all the wardrobe and make-up related things would then happen. Apparently I’m devilishly stylish and didn’t even need to get changed… who knew… I don’t even have a mirror in my room at home. Next, face and hair (gosh could take hours). The make-up artists asked if I already have anything on my face. I’m like “umm…. does moisturiser count?”. Stuff is then put on my face. The bags under my eyes were big enough to carry all my personal possessions so I am just glad that got sorted out. Mid make-up a popstar walks in. My glasses are on the table. I am blind without my glasses. I don’t even notice… Someone genuinely had to say to me “Oh Ben, Ed’s here”. I scramble for my sight aid and say hello. It’s pretty cool meeting a global megastar but a “hey man” was definitely suffice. We briefly spoke before he went off to have a cuppa and I finished being cosmetically enhanced. I then met all the others who would be in my scene, some members of the film crew and then we were off. It was a freezing cold morning in front of Framlingham Castle, and a hot water bottle was doing the rounds as myself and the others sat on logs getting to know each other. I was the anomaly (naturally says those who know me), being the only one not to go to Thomas Mills, or to live in Framlingham, but I was wearing a barber jacket so I fit right in. On the subject of that jacket I should probably tell the friend who gave it to me his clothing is now really famous and stuff…

The film crew were busying themselves around us, moving the logs, getting the composition perfect for when Ed arrived. There were so many people there it was like a group of people had been hired to watch us live every moment of our lives. Camera’s swooped in, directions and guidance given to us extras and all good to go. We’re told Ed’s about to arrive and when he does just to do what we’re doing and they will start filming. Brilliant! I can act goofy, laugh and look entertained all day mate. Ed arrives and we sit around chatting about Framlingham, Thomas Mills, Ipswich, being young, with all the usual serious bantz that entails and our scene is done. We hang around waiting for a second scene with the mini-me’s to begin, myself and the older extras trying to spot which one is meant to be our younger selves then head back to base. We’re told we are free to leave, thank yous and goodbyes are exchanged and that’s that. About halfway home I giggle nonsensically to myself about what’s just happened and at the fact that I still have make-up on my face.

You can spot me right at the end for about 9 secs haha! My face is in ultra soft focus aka blurry and then the camera pans away, my green jacketed back complimenting the wintry scene whilst chatting to Ed and the others, sitting on logs.

Big thanks go to Somesuch for thinking my face was an acceptable fit for the shoot! They were all amazing on the day, a great bunch of folk, so don’t forget to give your love to those guys and gals for doing such a brilliant job with the music video.  

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Not so much Lost in the System but…

Mid-November 2015 I hesitantly pick up my phone and text a friend asking if it’s ok to ring. A positive reply is received. I pause…  With a growing sense of dread I press to ring and slowly lift my phone to my ear. The dull trills seem to last a lifetime as I wait for an answer. This phone-call signalled to my friend that things were not as they should be; a deteriorating state of mental health which had seemingly come from nowhere. Incoherent explanations of my thoughts were naturally met with confusion and I wouldn’t even talk in detail about what was happening because I was so scared of what would be thought of me, what others would then say about me. A feeling that has not left me.  

December 2015 I go to a GP. The system where I live in theory is meant to make it easy for someone to get an appointment by offering times at different surgeries if one venue is fully booked. It does not make it easier… after numerous phone-calls on the mornings of numerous days I finally get to see someone. I take time out of work secretly to drive about 30 mins to the GP. It’s busy and uncomfortably warm which does not calm my growing anxiety. They are running about 40 mins late. All I can think is that I should be back before the next hour strikes to finish the work I had left to be here. As this deadline passes more worry, more heat, and I’m surrounded by sick old people. My name gets called. I am rushed into a room. I am rushed to speak. I do not know how I am meant to speak about this at all let alone quickly. However with previous experience of mental health difficulties at least I have a starting point unlike some people in similar positions. I am given some leaflets… I am told there are some groups that offer support but also after hearing what I have said the GP says words to the effect of “but it doesn’t sound like a group environment will be beneficial to you”. End of appointment. All I want is to speak to someone one to one but after this I feel totally discouraged from speaking to anyone at all. I’ve spent so long waiting that I rush home to try and finish work. I make my excuses about why I haven’t been able to.

March-ish 2016 I am encouraged to go back to a GP. I go to a different practice and see a wonderful nurse who not only listened to me but directed me to clarify what exactly it is I am feeling, as best as I could. She gives me some leaflets. Then tells me I have to go to the surgery I had previously visited to see a mental health link worker. At this point all I can think is that I hope it is not the same person as I saw previously…

I go back to the one place I don’t want to be… I see the mental health link worker (who is thankfully not the person who had no time for me). They essentially repeat everything the nurse had said, also admitting the mental health services in this part of the country are not adequate, not meeting the demand of the service and that waiting is inevitable. She then tells me the main point of entry is the Suffolk Wellbeing service which adopts a self-referral process. This is the first time I hear the words “self-referral”. Why didn’t anyone else tell me this before??? Months wasted… If I had known then I wouldn’t have had to even go to a GP… frustrated and feeling pretty f***ing worthless I head home. The next day I refer myself to Suffolk Wellbeing…

At this stage about 2 people know I have referred myself.

I wait for a fortnight for a letter to come through the post. I then wait for a phone-call about having a phone assessment to help decide what kind of support I could get from the service. A phone assessment is booked. I wait about a month for this to happen.

I have a phone assessment. I still do not feel confident in finding the words to coherently speak about how I feel. It’s a clunky call, me speaking myself into circles while questions try to clarify my standing. The phone-call turned out to be a relevancy test. Assessing whether it is appropriate for me to use the service. Although asked about what support I think I need – someone to speak to, I just want someone to talk to! – everyone is made to go through a series of lectures referring to mental health. I am told about a series of lectures under the title of ‘Stress Control’. Even those words are generalised. I am told in order to access any further support I must attend these. I am then told the next set of lectures is in September 2016. If my situation deteriorates in this gap i am encouraged to contact my GP. And I think we can all agree that I won’t be doing that.

Typically I miss the first lecture as I was abroad. I attend the rest. For each lecture you are asked to fill out a questionnaire to assess your levels of anxiety and depression. It was late last year that I found out these were written by drugs companies, which explains why all the words used in the questionnaire are all so doom and gloom. They are geared up to signal that someone needs drugs not that they need support. There is a massive difference. Why this is an accepted method in understanding someone’s mental health in this capacity I fail to understand.

The lectures themselves have an audience of about 30 people so the content is diluted… heavily diluted. They mention processes and plans to figure out your vicious cycle and to rationalise your thoughts which is all fine. Fine if you don’t have a job or any sort of commitment so you could actually spend time doing it at the moment of anxiety or depressive moods. They of course also encourage making time in an evening or weekend to figure out thought processes. Each week little handbooks for each topic are given out to refer back to every generalised thing that is said at the lectures. I go through all the handbooks. I still have them and will again revisit. Mainly because what else am I meant to do?

(Side note: Lectures, in terms of someone’s interest in the topic is affected by the person leading the lecture, the person speaking at the front of the room. I suggest they review some of those speakers.)

At the end of the last lecture we are all told what happens next. We will receive a letter through the post. It will either state that judging from your questionnaires that it is not believed you require further support OR it invites you to request a review assessment.

I wait a couple of weeks for my letter.

It invites me to review if I so wish. Yeah I think I’ll do that. It take multiple attempts across a few days to get through to the service on the phone. Saturated is the word that comes to mind. And a review phone assessment is booked.

I wait for a letter to confirm.

November 2016 my phone assessment arrives and I again attempt to explain what it is I am feeling. The person on the phone tells me I have explained myself very well and really tries to give me the support she knows I need. She suggests a couple of options and then asks me to hold the line… she comes back with the option of seeing someone face to face for a CBT assessment. The seeing someone in a one on one situation was what I knew I needed from the beginning… I am told there will be a wait. Realistically I will be waiting until Feb 2017… My feelings of content after being listened to and feeling as if the person on the end of the phone went out of her way to help me was met with disillusionment. I know it is not their fault that I have to wait. They don’t have that sort of control over how the service they provide is implemented. They can only use the resources they have to provide the best possible support for the increasing influx of people with mental ill health. But reading this you can imagine how my frustration over all these gaps has by now turned into a reluctant acceptance and well I feel pretty bummed out…

Surprisingly come January I receive a letter in the post with an appointment date on in. It’s for that very same month!

I recently attended this session, one-to-one, face-to-face and because of it was able to talk openly about what I consider to be the problem, where I think it stems from and what I think will help. You can’t have that kind of interaction with someone over the phone or during a lecture. Because this system really enjoys circles the support which is then offered to me, as after all this was just another point of contact to direct me to another area of support, is group CBT. I have by this point already expressed my fear of group support, that I will not be able to address the things I need to with others there but after discussing all the options this was still the support thought to be most beneficial to me at this time. Upon leaving I feel a mixture of relief and well I just want to give up.

I am currently waiting for someone to tell me when this group CBT will begin.

I’ve been referred to Suffolk Wellbeing since March 2016. My first GP visit concerning this which I would still count as part of “the system” December 2015… It has been over a year since I sought professional help. I don’t exactly feel positive about the time I have been working through this process. You must agree this is not acceptable. Perhaps needless to say I do not have the money to pay for talking therapy or other types of support. I live in a village in Suffolk and in terms of professional help I am not even close to feeling like I am supported.

To reiterate Suffolk Wellbeing are not completely at fault here. There is a bigger issue to hand including the general awareness of what mental health is and the conditions referring to it as a result of mental ill health. There is no one model that will ensure that this experience is not replicated many times over. It is not something that can be rolled out nationally, it must be tailored at least regionally and again to the individuals using the service. The resource in this region is poor. I have had mental health first aid training to help others (yeah… I know right… others…) for both adults and young people, both tutors of those courses explained the state of mental health support structures in this country as poor. Theresa May in her grand Charity Commission speech focused on mental health. Her words were welcome but a significant number of mental health charities have voiced their concerns over the plans and unfortunately as is usually the case money has a lot to do with this. On the subject of charities it would be ignorant of me not to mention the growing number of organisations that exist to advise and help those with mental health issues. Time to Change, Mind, Young Minds, Blurt Foundation to name a few. And for a more creative take on it The Sad Ghost Club are a personal favourite. They make zines and other crafty bits all centred around mental health with the money they make from sales going towards workshops with young people to express their mental health creatively. There is a growing amount of online resources available.

I 100% do not want to discourage anyone from using the kind of service that I am still using especially if you are struggling with your mental health. These are the kinds of services that should be a go to and should address your needs genuinely and in a timely manner. I write about my experiences not to unjustly criticise but because more awareness is needed of both mental health conditions and the support structures that are in place.

As a final note try as hard as can to not fall silent. I have not included in the above the ongoing support I get from friends who I hope know how thankful I am for them being in my life. It has been difficult trying to explain my thoughts to those who have had no experience of anxiety and depression but if I didn’t say anything at all then my situation would deteriorate further. I am just sorry that they have equally had to spend this amount of time living alongside this.

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National Geographic: Gender Revolution (Special Issue)

It is not often now that i read a glossy publication cover to cover. Mainly because if you haven’t heard the internet is a thing that exists. But when i first saw that National Geographic were devoting an issue to the subject of gender i already knew it would be something i would be holding in my hands. In the last few years identity politics has been something i have become increasingly aware of and drawn toward (probably because i have a specific gender and specific sexuality he says with an apparent air of bitter sarcasm... ahem). In a world where we are being exposed to crises at various levels, or various type and all with diversifying political, social, economic, and cultural backdrops it can be difficult to manage your reactions and feelings towards everything. Some of us inhabit a conflict of our own about what it is we should be fighting for. The reality is there might only be one thing you feel engaged with enough to act upon, in terms of making a difference. We are just scared to say that as to others it means we totally reject everything else which is going on in the world. A sentiment which is damaging and false. National Geographic refer on the front cover of this special issue to “the shifting landscape of gender”. This is the battleground i am logically and emotionally attracted to. 

It frustrates me that young people are needing this growing language of labels to identity as human. Labels encourage stereotypes and cliches which have already proven to be detrimental to how an individual lives and this is something touched upon in this publication surrounding ideas of masculinity. But at the same time if in particular a young person is struggling with who they are and what their gender means, who am i to stop someone finding comfort in a category and the community which is building around them.

National Geographic have collated some incredible stories, needed statistics and with the genuine portrayal of many gender identities and expressions have opened up an important dialogue. The direction this dialogue goes in is as diverse as the voices being acknowledged. From defining gender terms, snapshots of how gender can be perceived, the cultural and political landscapes that have embedded gender roles in societies around the world, to what people are doing about it, and opinions about the future of equality National Geographic have created a focal, meeting point for anyone interested in this topic regardless of your previous knowledge. No one can escape gender and everyone has been subjected to others’ perceptions of gender whether that is detrimental to your being or inspirational. A heightened knowledge of this so called gender revolution and the multiple contexts which have led to it’s creation will benefit us all. 

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While you wait...

Don’t forget to check out my Facebook page for ADAPT FORM where you’ll find lots of important, poignant and thought-provoking stories that i’ve been sharing from other sources! A whole host of pages that you’ll want to follow if you have any interest in mental health, gender and identity politics, black culture and identity, equality, feminism, and maybe even the odd arty GIF. 

https://www.facebook.com/adaptf0rm/

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Just Pick a F***ing Tense (exercising honesty in a public domain)

Oh reflection... It is always valid and further to that the history degree part of my brain (which fades increasingly into that forever faraway horizon) attempts to tell me with authority that I must focus on the past to step into the future… Sure, let me write another essay about that. So when the number of the year goes up a bit and everyone is making resolutions they won’t keep, constructing realistic plans for the year and looking ahead to a future full of potential wonder, guess which direction I am facing? Hey 2016… Turns out I could really not do with that right now.

In looking back over the last year I am confronted by an overwhelming sense of letting people down in the capacity of work and friendship, and frustrations as a result of being somewhere in between over sensitive and a subjection to immature sentiments that do nothing but undermine me. Welcome to the world of questionable mental health. Thoughts and feelings I believed to had left behind are suddenly reignited for you don’t always require action for history to repeat itself. It is essentially a scaling up of a thought process that I have been dealing with (not at all dealing with) since umm mid-November 2015 (I need not be specific about such a specific time now). The year and a bit has been dotted with fantastic events which come morning are completely deconstructed by my head; jokes and actions taken out of context and then focussed on, put on repeat, going round and round and round my head until the memory of the entire event is tarnished… leading to further insecurities about seeing people, thinking I have done something wrong, wondering what people say about me when I’m not there, other vicious cycles…  

So come the end of 2016 that thought process, which I CAN distract myself from on a better day, is totally exemplified. Everyone else is celebrating their achievements of the year and planning next steps. It’s a format we pursue automatically now. But unfortunately there is this seemingly immovable barrier stopping me from focussing on the glory of 2016, I don’t know something like helping to set up Suffolk’s first ever festival of photography which included contemporary internationally acclaimed photographers and photojournalists and was of notable success... Instead my head would rather pick up upon a small interaction one evening where I couldn’t bring myself to laugh at a joke which I then feel bad for and then am anxious about seeing that person who made the joke in the first place again, or a time where I just don’t react appropriately or at all to someone I see the disappointment on their face and that leads to thinking I have let them down or they don’t like me. C’mooonnnnnnn shift in focus!

Because of this I don’t actually want to look too far ahead. I don’t want to announce to the world that I will do this or I want to achieve that. At the minute I am quite worried that this overriding sentiment of letting people/myself down will carry on with the same apparentness and though I hope it won’t stop me taking action broadcasting my intentions for 2017 even to friends fills me with anxiety.

And so I am stuck between tenses. I feel like I am slipping into dwelling on as opposed to reflecting upon the past. My present is not being able to control what tense to focus on, which totally disrupts the present tense. And the future as tradition goes could be something I at least acknowledge to the extent of providing a focus for the year ahead. It can sometimes be a continuous conflict which you become incredibly aware of but not to the degree where you have found control. You end up acting as commentator of your inaction much like a really awful sports pundit #saywhatyousee.  

Yeah so this is all a bit gloomy ain’t it (happy new year)… But I know this will resonate with a lot of people especially as the world is becoming, painstakingly slowly, more aware of mental health conditions and fluctuations. I have been genuinely surprised with the amount of individuals, and organisations that have cited mental health around the Christmas and new year period in a “it’s not always a happy time for some” kind of way. Still too greater number fail to acknowledge mental health or have not been introduced to the topic. Some will question why I have even written these very words. Not only it is important for me to understand where I am and attempt to rationalise my thought processes, if it gives any sort of insight into what an individual with a questionable mental health can think and how it impacts on their lives and the people around them, then that’s another step in the right direction for awareness and support of such matters. It really does benefit everyone.

I hope everyone out there has someone to talk to about mental health, or at least pen and paper (it really does help). If you’re struggling please try to speak openly about what is going on. Even if it doesn’t make sense. You can always change the order of the words until they do! There are some fantastic people doing great things for the awareness of mental health and who provide support e.g. The Sad Ghost Club, The Blurt Foundation, Time to Change, Mind to name a few. Have a google. Find what works for you and here’s to a year of expression, and of a greater understanding of mental health for ALL people.

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“Wishing You A Happier New Year!…”

Untitled, 1/1/1952 Series: Jim Berryman Political Cartoons, 1928 - 1963. Record Group 46: Records of the U.S. Senate, 1789 - 2015

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The Uncanny Valley - Philippa Prince x Stella McCartney

A film collage of the past and present this short movie is a brilliant example of how fashion and creativity exist together. A fashion series show-off as much as a visually interesting watch it is slightly obscure (a little surreal as most people are saying) with moments of cinematic brilliance. The unnatural lighting in some cases makes an excellent composition all the more enticing. The clothes sway between high street wearable and the more out on a limb, depending of course on how you wear it and your ability to afford it. Actually... you now what scrap that, what she is doing is testing the boundaries of what high street fashion can be. That is something she has always done whether that is through the sustainable attitude and material she uses to create the clothing/accessories or through the actual designs in terms of cut, shaping and content. The face that McCartney working with Philippa Prince here has created this gender blending, psych-weird, radioactive film to promote her latest #StellaBy series stands for a lot more than what her fashion related associates are doing.

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Nothing is merely black and white...

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Downlow x Trill Store Sound Sess 002

From previous posts you will know i am involved in a new multi-media platform for underground/independent electronic producers The Downlow Movement. We held our second Sound Session at Trill Store in Ipswich yesterday with a broad experience of sound from Bass, Chillstep, Alt RnB, Hip Hop, Dubstep and more!!! Here are some snaps from my time there but head to facebook.com/downlowmovementuk for live sets, more pics and info about all the producers and rapper that performed at Trill Store.  

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I was at a Poetry Thing so I Wrote a Poem

During an escape to Nottingham and other destinations last week I went along to Speech Therapy, an open mic spoken word night at The Chameleon Arts Cafe. A monthly affair it is a chance to be heard amongst like-minded folk who value what it is to listen and give support as much as it is to speak. The crowd was intense; drink flowing, tables crowded with faces, the host a mildly eccentric player of words, the performers varied in their experience of writing and performing. The night centred around headline act Gemma Baker, founding member of Mouth Piece Poets a cool collective from Lincoln encouraging the moving of mouths and pens, the expression of voices. Gemma’s words focused on her experience of life (mental health, alcoholism) but what defines her is not those struggles but her use of words and solemn delivery. No one should be DEFINED by their experiences per se, but the way they interact with them, at the time or retrospectively. Gemma was joined by a few other voices from Mouth Piece Poets, James Donnelly grabbing my attention and for me was the best wordsmith of the night. As a whole content varied from comically poetic letters, geese, vaginas, anxious behaviours, lust, swearing with conviction, song and rap as poem (there’s a difference?... discuss…), Marco Rubio, and genuine exploration of the self. It was a wild night where quiet personalities met loud and bold presences, but where the two were not in conflict with one another. It was a night where part way through I couldn’t help imagining that I could have the confidence to stand up and perform. I have been unhappy with my silences in current life and this could have been a platform to rectify that to some small degree. The thought wouldn’t leave my head and I began to write some notes on my phone from the viewpoint of performing without planning on doing so. I re-envisioned the explicit support the crowd had given the other performers for myself, and pictured a slow movement up to the stage. The words below would have been what I had muttered. They are largely sarcastic… and I do not claim to be a poet, but I thought some of the ideas that bubbled up to the surface in that moment were of interest and which I can’t help thinking are worth exploring, either silently or through other creative means… After all, expression of all kind is a step to something more tangible.

Sporadic Manifesto of Sorts

I am not prepared.

I am more spontaneous than I presume. But presume nothing but structure once I have sat down and planned a segment of my life to act as if were my own.

I clearly have more than one of them, some say I have four and I am all too aware of those that think and speak those words.

I do not need the application of a specific kind of jacket or an intentionally tucked in shirt to take on a personality, to take on the persona of a human human. I am not content with being like you.

I seek too much meaning from the interactions I am exposed to, though I am not the same as those which place pretension upon this form, those who suppose there is so very much meaning in each interaction they uphold to indulge within.

I am not your enemy…

I am not aware that putting these words on the next line means when it is spoken you have felt more of its intention.

I am not your enemy…

I will breathe when I feel the need for this air and that is signified by the action not by the end of a clause or your current clasp on and criticism of my grammar…

I think words left unspoken and which have the intention of being seen are not heard when they are read.

I am not your enemy because I am nothing but my own…

Speech Therapy > https://www.facebook.com/SPEECHTHERAPYEVENT

The Chameleon Arts Cafe > https://www.facebook.com/pg/The-Chameleon-Arts-Cafe-Nottingham

Mouth Piece Poets > http://www.mouthpiecepoets.co.uk/

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"recently in life i feel like i have been incredibly silent... and i can only apologise for that and also as great as it is to express something and feel something through music and other peoples words it shouldn't really necessarily be the case and i wish i could do more about that at the minute"

For once in my life i had the tenacity to address something aloud. Everything is a platform but sometimes it takes courage to use it. I felt that this radio show in particular held much relevance; to the situation in America, to my own expression (not meant artistically but socially, literally being able to say anything), to the relationships i currently hold. I would appreciate any ears on this, If only to hear Crystal Valentine’s poem ‘Black Privilege’ which is evocative, powerful and significantly goes beyond being genuine. 

Listen to this radio show here: https://www.mixcloud.com/ioradiouk/the-mixtape-with-ben-driver-on-io-radio-091116/ 

 @ioradiouk

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A Foot into the World of Zines

Earlier this year I visited GRRL ZINE Fair at The Shacklewell Arms, London to reignite my creativity and further my desire to create zines of my own. My time in the noise rock // shoe gaze // punk related pub in Dalston was brief (as you can read here: http://bit.ly/2eSem42) but incredibly valuable. And I can say this with full conviction knowing that I have spent time digesting and indulging in the words, images and ideas presented in the creations I bought. This boost in inspiration was furthered by taking another worthwhile trip to Bristol for their annual Comic and Zine Fair running for 6 years now. It not only broadened out the definition of what a zine could be - from the perspective of someone who has known of zines for some time but have just started my first steps into seriously creating them myself – but was also a first time visiting the city AND an excuse to catch up with a couple of mates I lived with at university, having not seen them both since I graduated in 2012 (4 years ago!!?!!??). The people that I met, spoke to, briefly interacted with, looked upon and that clear and diverse community that the world of zines has created for itself is magnificent. I have not felt so at home surrounded by these makers and the audience they bring, a genuine but fleeting feeling of finding a home for the first time in my life.

The biggest impression left upon me from visiting Bristol Comic and Zine Fair 2016 was the sense that zines are a great way of depicting the details you normally miss or bypass in life. So many zines and comics are constructed from the tiniest conversations or moments that in everyday life you would just let happen, moving on to the next moment and the next. But the creators of zines are not only able to pinpoint these intricacies but use their creativity to suspend you in that moment; a new appreciation for the little things in life. You come away with the realisation that every single foot step you take, every word spoken, shouted, mumbled or thought about, every silent interaction does hold value, and every “event” that happens around you regardless of your awareness of it at the time could be transformed into art. And yeah it seems obvious to say once you have read it, but I have not been exposed to this in the ways that zines capture it. Zines are so intrinsically linked to the creators’ own quirks, or a detailed observation of the people and places they visit or inhabit it is no wonder the community built around them is so tight and so incredibly diverse.

And let’s go into that in a bit more detail. The community of the Zine world. For someone who currently lives in the Suffolk countryside (he says with a slightly bitter taste in his mouth and with an urgency to escape which in reality is an emotional conviction as opposed to a logical intent), to suddenly be part of a crowd of dungarees, oversized woollen jumpers, prints of My Neighbour Totoro and geometric landscapes and eccentric colour clashes, tattoos, dyed hair, bow ties, pin badges… etc etc… on that scale is a novelty. At GRRRL ZINE Fair the punk mentality and DIY aesthetic was clear to see from the venue to the creators and the fair-goers. In Bristol, there was still that mentality but it mingled with the quietly creative, the confidently artistic, those discovering who they could be and those knowing exactly who they wanted to be. The two combined reminded me of the time I spent in Nottingham where I studied at University; a city where I felt whatever you wanted to be was never unjustly questioned, creativity was nothing but encouraged, a place where diversity would never drown. To revisit and re-experience that sentiment was a wonderful feeling. I can’t help but think that this feeling will grow the more involved I become with this community in terms of a creator and audience of these paper-made creations (that’s the dream folks!).

And so, what steps have I taken to become part of this community? Previously at university I dabbled with zine creation usually for housemates’ birthdays. They would always be an 8-page zine, with a collage, a doodle and a poem. To add context, I became incredibly frustrated with academic study, putting all creativity to one side whilst I worked on essay after essay (aka life). “Being creative” became a much needed outlet for an experience that was in danger of becoming completely stale. Aided significantly in my final year by the study of Vienna’s and Japan’s cultural history I came to see the value of genuine and individual expression; zine making became a purposeful escape from academia and was an integral part of getting me out of a pretty low state of mind. Not that I consider those creations to be anything special now (OMG SO EMBARRASSED) here is a snapshot of Aaron’s birthday zine…

If we fast forward to this year, my thoughts surrounding zines changed, with the idea of making them more professionally let’s say becoming something I couldn’t get out of head. My chum Kezia’s birthday came around and I was convinced I would not only make a really awesome zine, but get it done for her birthday, because everyone loves a self-inflicted deadline. On the night of her celebrations I turn up at her then home present-less, instead holding a handful of apologies, and quickly turned my attention to drowning my shame in alcohol and silly dancing (by which I mean incredible, “give him a scholarship in dance” dancing…). I think it may have even been a month later… (eekk!! I was a little busy with other creative ventures and PAID ventures no less!) but I finally got round to finishing her zine filled with cats and eagles, inspiration courtesy of her tattoos. And it felt awesome to get it finished whilst also being cool to make something for another creative, Kezia being a brilliant photography, left-field thinker and crafty type (please do have a more-than-gander at her work: @keziatan // https://www.facebook.com/keziatanphoto/?fref=ts). After the response I got from Kezia and the others who have seen it, I have felt nothing but encouraged to carry on this wonderfully creative path.

And it became very apparent that this is something I needed to do. Through frustration and a supreme urge to get something off my chest, I created a zine which depicts death and suicide. I had come to realise that I was surrounded by the topic via people (specifically men under 30) I know and have known. The only words are on the back cover describing my relationship to the topic, a title hidden on the front cover. And this is going to be the zine I experiment with in terms of mass producing and “getting out there” mainly because I want to see what exactly my doodles will look like when they go through a mass print. It is important to get this one right for more than one reason and you can read about the ideas surrounding this here: http://bit.ly/2fLygPJ

In the time that I have been writing the above words there have been a couple of recent developments. Not only have a produced a zine (digitally this time!) for a new multi-media platform for underground and independent electronic producers/artists named The Downlow Movement, but I have also made a new zine friend via the Pop My Mind community ( @popmymind ), her name is Karis and you can find the wonder that she creates here: https://www.instagram.com/karisviola // @bigbrowneyescollective. And super recently another local creative asked via Instagram (@veenessar) if I wanted to do a zine swap! How exciting!!! And definitely happening!

So a small part of my creative future is laid out in front of me. I will of course be sharing my creations via ADAPT FORM and will hopefully have more news about zines and how many more steps I have taken into that world.  

I should probably plants some trees…  

Creators in zine stash photo from Bristol Comic and Zine Fair 2016:

@thesadghostclub // https://thesadghostclub.com/

Mike Medaglia // http://mikemedaglia.com/

Sammy Boras // http://sammyborras.blogspot.co.uk/

The Screever Zine // https://www.facebook.com/thescreeverzine/?fref=ts

@tilliewalden // http://tilliewalden.com/ 

Timothy Bird // http://www.timothybird.co.uk/

Those last two are also part of Avery Hill Publishing // http://www.averyhillpublishing.com/ 

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Contemplation

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Downlow Movement Zine

Check out the first zine i have created for the Downlow Movement, a new multi-media platform supporting the underground/independent electronic scene. The movement exists to promote talents which we don’t believe have been acknowledged genuinely, have been forgotten about or need a base to get to the next level of their audio focused lifestyles. Though primarily an outlet for producers and DJs the movement is not restricted to this, welcoming singers/rappers, film-makers, zine-makers, designers, illustrators and creatives generally so long as there is that interaction with the scene we are part of and supporting. We’re in the middle of our first Series of releases including tracks, mixes and podcasts so there is plenty to get stuck into. 

Get in on the Downlow... 

https://soundcloud.com/downlowmovement

https://www.facebook.com/downlowmovementuk

https://twitter.com/DownlowMovement