I lay here thinking about it all again. Everything. It is amazing how much we can take a moment for granted. So much that we fail to realize what an impactful memory it will all become. All of it. The first night in Autumn. Years ago. Although it feels as if it were just yesterday. I remember how obvious the nervousness was in both of us. Each of us finding ways to hide it from surfacing on our faces. To hide the excitement, the joy, and at the same time, the scars from yesterday. I could see in your eyes the sincerity. And all the memories rushing quickly in between us. Like a river bursting open a dam. A dam that was meant to forever enclose it all. I remember the high times. The times we incoherently talked about our future. Not realizing that words would become desires. And desires are not meant to be fulfilled. Although you may never admit it, I know you wanted it too. The future. The talks. The long conversations about the meaningless paths we’d never walk together. I know that for at least one day, you wanted it too. But you, as I too, were much too afraid. Afraid of truth, of consequences, of change. Was it love? I don’t know. But I know it was real. I know that it felt infinite. And I know that every time we parted it felt as though we were coming back down to Earth. Driving back down into the Milky Way with drops of Jupiter in our hair. Smiling like idiots in an empty circus. Nobody present but the both of us. Dancing and prancing around with no ring master. I don’t know why this means so much to me. Why I spend all this time contemplating the what ifs and why’s. The memory of you is nothing now but an abyss of mixed feelings and forgotten times. The urge to relive it all will always burn in my heart. I know that even if for that short time, it was real. It was realer than either of us is willing to admit. Even I have caught myself mocking it. But when night falls it is clearer. We were always fonder of the darkness. Where everything done is unseen. Unheard and unknown. Maybe our paths will cross once again. Maybe some day in the distant future we will return with wisdom. With experience and with courage. Courage to set this all free. Until then, the memories will have to suffice..
