Hello and good day! 2022 has been a year of self discovery and realizations and your blog has been what spurred me on to sit and introspect. Something I'm having difficulties with the concept of aromanticism. I don't understand what is considered romantic vs not. Many romantic actions seem friendly to me but maybe what matters is the intent behind the action?
Honestly what is romantic / not romantic is self-defined!
My partner - who is very aromantic - defines it as: 'These actions I'd be happy to do for any friend or close friend.' So if he takes someone out to dinner and pays, well, he does that with friends too. And if he drives someone to the beach and you sit side by side and talk for hours, well, he does that with friends too.
He has a lot of behaviours that others might think of as romantic, or that contribute to their romantic relationship/s but for him (and us) are just actually like, things you would do with any good friends.
And then there are other gestures he doesn't do, because he feels they are romantic and he wouldn't do them for friends - so he doesn't buy flowers, he doesn't observe (or want to closely observe) anniversaries, he doesn't say 'I love you' every day (or at all, unless he feels it in the moment), he doesn't give a shit about Valentine's Day, he doesn't like 'romantic dinners' with candles and fancy seating etc.
But these things are very self-defined. There are people out there who buy flowers for their friends on a regular basis, for that person, flowers aren't necessarily romantic. They're just a nice thing to do. And that's where it becomes something you have to decide for yourself, anon.
Some common 'romantic' couple or partnership style things might be - sleeping in the same bed as your partner every night (we don't do this), or sharing a bank account. It might be observing anniversaries. It might be in the ways gifts are shared etc.
And then of course you have aro folks who don't want to be in any relationships at all. But for those who do, and seek something queerplatonic, it's mostly down to 'well I wouldn't do that, because that's romantic' and 'oh I like doing this thing, I'd do it for everyone I care for.' Just, in a QPP relationship, it becomes more special, and it's often hard to quantify why, though cohabitation is one of the more common qualifiers. Glen says for him, he defines QPP or something special as 'the time/effort I'm willing to invest in that person.' If he invests a lot of time/effort in someone, you're very special to him.
Intent can change things too, for sure, but I find just like how many ace people don't really 'get' sexual attraction, a lot of aromantic people don't really 'get' romantic attraction as a concept. Like, if you say 'oh but romantic people do this thing in a more loving way' the response from those of us who are arospec might be 'well I feel love when I do these things for my friends and family, so I don't get it. Does that mean I'm romantic with all of them?'
If you have that kind of confusion, it's definitely worth diving a bit deeper in your research! Just keep in mind that romantic attraction and romantic action is very subjective.
And finally, being aromantic is not experiencing romantic attraction, it doesn't mean you can't perform romantic actions. Glen is in another relationship that is romantic, and he will perform romantic actions. He just doesn't really experience romantic attraction. This is similar to how ace people can have sex despite not experiencing sexual attraction.
So you might also want to - instead of looking specifically at actions - look at what romantic attraction might mean to you, which is often the urge to perform romantic gestures (which you define) towards a special someone, or more than one person, and often a desire for a romantic relationship (that can be with or without sexual intimacy).
This stuff can get complicated, and it's okay if you change your mind many many times while you figure this stuff out! I apologise if I've just made it worse for you. I know for Glen, he sort of instantly knew he was aro once he found out about it. But I'm grey-aro, and for me personally that means I'm mostly aromantic, but every now and then, with certain people, I can feel drawn to romantic friendships and relationships. But it's not common nor consistent enough for me to build relationships around it. We spent a lot of hours talking about like, romantic attraction and romantic action. Glen will like, 'perform' an anniversary if he's expected to, he just doesn't get much out of it, wouldn't do it otherwise, and doesn't really care about it even though he's glad if it makes his partner happy. His love comes across in other ways instead.
