#being aromantic

[ifyourelateimsorry]

being aromantic with mutual friends who are in a relationship is hard.

"Y'all wanna hang out?"

"Oh no, sorry, we're going on a date. Just us two. Because we're in a romantic relationship."

Yea, okay. Have fun.

[not-poignant]

Hello and good day! 2022 has been a year of self discovery and realizations and your blog has been what spurred me on to sit and introspect. Something I'm having difficulties with the concept of aromanticism. I don't understand what is considered romantic vs not. Many romantic actions seem friendly to me but maybe what matters is the intent behind the action?

Honestly what is romantic / not romantic is self-defined!

My partner - who is very aromantic - defines it as: 'These actions I'd be happy to do for any friend or close friend.' So if he takes someone out to dinner and pays, well, he does that with friends too. And if he drives someone to the beach and you sit side by side and talk for hours, well, he does that with friends too.

He has a lot of behaviours that others might think of as romantic, or that contribute to their romantic relationship/s but for him (and us) are just actually like, things you would do with any good friends.

And then there are other gestures he doesn't do, because he feels they are romantic and he wouldn't do them for friends - so he doesn't buy flowers, he doesn't observe (or want to closely observe) anniversaries, he doesn't say 'I love you' every day (or at all, unless he feels it in the moment), he doesn't give a shit about Valentine's Day, he doesn't like 'romantic dinners' with candles and fancy seating etc.

But these things are very self-defined. There are people out there who buy flowers for their friends on a regular basis, for that person, flowers aren't necessarily romantic. They're just a nice thing to do. And that's where it becomes something you have to decide for yourself, anon.

Some common 'romantic' couple or partnership style things might be - sleeping in the same bed as your partner every night (we don't do this), or sharing a bank account. It might be observing anniversaries. It might be in the ways gifts are shared etc.

And then of course you have aro folks who don't want to be in any relationships at all. But for those who do, and seek something queerplatonic, it's mostly down to 'well I wouldn't do that, because that's romantic' and 'oh I like doing this thing, I'd do it for everyone I care for.' Just, in a QPP relationship, it becomes more special, and it's often hard to quantify why, though cohabitation is one of the more common qualifiers. Glen says for him, he defines QPP or something special as 'the time/effort I'm willing to invest in that person.' If he invests a lot of time/effort in someone, you're very special to him.

Intent can change things too, for sure, but I find just like how many ace people don't really 'get' sexual attraction, a lot of aromantic people don't really 'get' romantic attraction as a concept. Like, if you say 'oh but romantic people do this thing in a more loving way' the response from those of us who are arospec might be 'well I feel love when I do these things for my friends and family, so I don't get it. Does that mean I'm romantic with all of them?'

If you have that kind of confusion, it's definitely worth diving a bit deeper in your research! Just keep in mind that romantic attraction and romantic action is very subjective.

And finally, being aromantic is not experiencing romantic attraction, it doesn't mean you can't perform romantic actions. Glen is in another relationship that is romantic, and he will perform romantic actions. He just doesn't really experience romantic attraction. This is similar to how ace people can have sex despite not experiencing sexual attraction.

So you might also want to - instead of looking specifically at actions - look at what romantic attraction might mean to you, which is often the urge to perform romantic gestures (which you define) towards a special someone, or more than one person, and often a desire for a romantic relationship (that can be with or without sexual intimacy).

This stuff can get complicated, and it's okay if you change your mind many many times while you figure this stuff out! I apologise if I've just made it worse for you. I know for Glen, he sort of instantly knew he was aro once he found out about it. But I'm grey-aro, and for me personally that means I'm mostly aromantic, but every now and then, with certain people, I can feel drawn to romantic friendships and relationships. But it's not common nor consistent enough for me to build relationships around it. We spent a lot of hours talking about like, romantic attraction and romantic action. Glen will like, 'perform' an anniversary if he's expected to, he just doesn't get much out of it, wouldn't do it otherwise, and doesn't really care about it even though he's glad if it makes his partner happy. His love comes across in other ways instead.

[mortallyshadowygirl]

There's a pride challenge and I want to be on it!

My pronouns are her/she

And I'm proud to be a sex-repulsed aegosexual asexual and a lithromantic aromantic 🖤💜🤍💛💚

[maychorian]

When/how did you realize you were aromantic? I've been in relationships before, and I like romantic-type things, but I find that even when I was in relationships that it was a very platonic feeling, if that makes sense? I don't know. Thank you for reading!

Hey, I get you. It’s definitely hard to articulate, but I hear where you’re coming from, for sure.

For me, I just always kinda knew that romance didn’t interest me in fiction and stuff, but I thought that someday I would fall in love, because that’s what people do, right? I had crushes, and I thought that they were romantic. I had dreams about getting married and living forever with someone special. But romantic drama both in real life and in fiction bored me to tears, and always has. When people asked me what sort of stuff I liked, I would always say something like, “I like fantasy and science fiction, some action, mostly good characters. Not romance, though. I know that’s weird, for a girl.” I always added that last sentence like it was a sort of reflex.

And it’s a funny contradiction, but I DID like hearing stories from people who were married or engaged talking about how they met and figured out they wanted to be together. I guess because that wasn’t really about romance so much as it was about a relationship, you get me? Like, it’s a very fine difference, but it means something to me, and it’s how I felt. I would have been just as happy listening to those stories if they were just two people who said “We’re best friends forever now, and this is how we figured that out” instead of “We’re in love” or “We’re gonna get married.” Even though the stories were about romance, they felt platonic to me, and I really loved them.

It wasn’t until I got onto tumblr a few years ago that I first heard the word aromantic, and even then it took me awhile to research it and think about and eventually decide “Yeah, actually, I’m pretty sure that’s me.” At first I thought it sounded kind of fake and weird, like why would you need a special word to describe the fact that you don’t want a romantic relationship. I still kind of think that on some level, because I don’t think it should be a big deal. If you don’t want to get married or date or have sex or anything like that, I don’t think it’s anyone’s business but yours. But I understand why having the word is important for folks to understand themselves and put a label on who they are, and in a way it was a relief for me, too, to be able to tell myself that I’m okay the way I am, I’m not the only person in the world who doesn’t give a fig about romance, and I can be perfectly happy and content without forcing myself to do anything I don’t want to do.

No matter where you are, if you like some romance stuff, or none at all, you’re totally cool that way you are. You can call yourself aromantic or grey-romantic or demi-romantic, or use none of those labels if you don’t like them. Self-reflection can be really helpful to help you gain a handle on yourself and be content with who you are, but we all should be doing that anyway. Hope that helps!

[woeisblithe]

What all Aromantics have thought at some point

Oh - you -? Wait, what? Wait take a few steps back u wot..? Shit, um, no I don't, no taps, this is awkward, god I'm gonna have to say no, wish I could say yes, lmao I can, but that's?? No, too uncomfortable, god, I'm a jerk, fuck, what if I, no, no no no, I wish I could, but it's so weird, I'm, no,

[novastar134]

That moment when...

You try to subtly drop the fact to your family that you’re the Ace of aces. Being both aromantic and asexual... and they just think that you just haven’t found the right person yet.

...

//sighs

I can understand their reasoning, that they just want me to be happy and have someone else in my life like that... but I’m happy being a single pringle. 

And I have people in my life who make me smile when I think of them because their my best friends. I don’t need a significant other to complete my life...

That’s life I guess.

[mortallyshadowygirl]

Happy Pride Month!

So basically this is my first time celebrating after I label myself asexual last year in June and aromantic this February. My friends are very supportive but I'm still closeted to my family about it because they don't believe in my sexuality but nevertheless I'm just happy that I can actually be able to celebrate it 😊

[maychorian]

My best friend since age 13 got engaged, and now I feel kinda... lost? I mean, it's not that I'm not happy for him, I really do (and I really like his girlfriend). It's just that I'm aro and asexual, and seeing my closest friend, who only yesterday sat with me in his parents' basement to watch cartoons, makes me feel left behind, even if we're still friends. Being an adult aro yourself I suppose you've dealt with similar situations, so do you have any advice for handling those feelings?

Dude, I’ve felt the exact same thing. I actually wrote a blog post about this feeling when my sister got engaged a while ago, after I’d realized that I was aro/ace and probably never going to get married. http://maychorian.tumblr.com/post/130440988951/so-i-found-out-that-my-little-sister-is-engaged

It’s totally normal to feel a little lost and left behind, even though you’re happy for them, even if you’re happy with yourself being aro/ace. Marriage and romantic relationships are such a HUGE part of life that it’s impossible not to feel a little left behind or out of the loop when you see other people moving on to that stage in life and you know that you probably never will, at least not in the same way. 

But the fact is that we all grow up anyway. We all move to different stages of life, just in different ways. Maybe I’ll never get married. Maybe I’ll never have kids. But there are still plenty of ways to make my life meaningful. I do everything I can to improve the lives of people around me, whether my friends and family or strangers on the internet. I have wonderful pets and a good job and a fantastic hobby, and I find pleasure and satisfaction in my creative pursuits, and even in talking to folks like you.

It’s up to you to decide what being an adult means. You can offer yourself to the world and find purpose and satisfaction in all kinds of ways. Maybe your path and mine is a little more idiosyncratic, a little harder to find, because we don’t have the same milestones that most of the population does. Maybe we can’t point to dating, marriage, first kiss, first child, as markers of our maturity and growth. But that just means we have to make our own, our own milestones, our own triumphs along the way, and that’s sort of exciting even though it’s scary, too. Good luck. I hope your next stage of life is just as wonderful as your friend’s.