October 1, 2018
Dear Judge Kavanaugh;
I have been debating writing this letter to you. I don’t know if you will read the words that I have written. I know that there are limitless ramifications for writing this. I have asked myself if it is even worth the risk. However, to put it best, I feel it is my civic duty to share my story with you.
My story begins in August of 1997. I was wearing a white, floral dress and a sunhat. There was a small gathering of people at our townhouse. It was a beautiful summer day. The bright sun was juxtaposition against the blue sky.
We were outside, enjoying the warm day. My mom’s boyfriend came over to our home, as he normally would. The difference this day, he brought with him. The friend sat quietly, not overly engaged in the conversations. I remember the smirk he wore on his face throughout the day.
You see, I was 15 years old at that time. I, admittingly, was very naïve too. I did not see the predatory look in his eyes. He was a hawk who just caught a glimpse of a mouse. My innocence was a magnetic force that drew him his gaze my way. Both he and my mom’s boyfriend would soon leave.
As the beautiful summer day faded into night, we began to make our way in. I changed from my dress into pants and a shirt. My mom’s boyfriend came back; bringing with him his friend. I had excused myself into another room to read some of my book. At some point while reading my book, I feel asleep on the sofa.
I remember waking up to live my nightmare. I remember the weight of his body pressed against mine. I remember the way he tried to forcefully kiss me. I remember my heart racing and beating hard against my chest. I remember feeling his left hand reach down to unbutton my pants. I remember desperately pushing him away. I remember his right hand grasping my wrists tightly in his grip. I remember him pulling my pants down. I remember feeling exposed and naked. I remember lump that was stuck in my throat. I remember the way the tears felt as they flooded my eyes and down my cheeks. I remember the way the shaking in my voice as I begged him to stop.
I remember the immense pain the moment he stole a piece of my being. I remember the sound of his breathing. I remember the trying to push his pelvis away from me. I remember the moment I gave up. I remember the moment I realized this nightmare was real. I remember the feeling of hopelessness. I remember my mind trying to disconnect from my body. I remember him falling asleep on me once his destruction was completed. I remember the fear, anger, helplessness, pain, and agony that flooded my wounded body and soul.
It has been 21 years since I experienced that moment. It was many years later before I told anyone of my trauma. This was for various reasons; none of which where because I forgot. In fact, I am confident I will never forget. The scare will always be with me. I have only told this to 4 people that I am a sexual assault survivor. You will be my 5th.
This is my story. I do not wear it as a badge of victimhood. I do not look at myself as a victim. I was a victim of a crime, but I am a survivor. I refuse to allow my assailant to have the power and control over me. I am not his victim and I refuse to let that horrible experience define who I am. I am a survivor!
There are many things that damage us. It is the choices that we make after that defines who we are. One may be the victim of a crime or circumstance, but we have the choice to remain the victim or raise up to become the survivor. I choose to stand up. I choose not to wear badge of victimhood.
As a sexual assault survivor, I am offended. I have been following your confirmation ordeal and I am hurt beyond expression of words. I do not feel my rights as a sexual assault survivor are valued in this political circus. As I a sexual assault survivor, this is damaging. As a sexual assault survivor, I am not represented by the utter hypocrisy demonstrated. As a sexual assault survivor, I am not fooled at what the real motives and agendas are. As a sexual assault survivor, I will not assault others in public and feel that I am justified.
My vision is not blurred. I see what is happening. I will not support the attempts of political “leaders” to revictimize me or anyone else. I will not support their attempts to stir up the emotions of others. These disturbing behaviors are not for our benefits. We are simply being used as puppets in their shameless games. As a sexual assault survivor, I will not play a part. As a sexual assault survivor, I will stand for what is fair and just. As a sexual assault survivor, I stand behind you.
Very Truly Yours,
Survivor