#itsbellsie

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itsbellsie replied to your post “itsbellsie replied to your post: maybe if we all stood in a circle and...”

YEAH I'm honestly so upset that it's only ever once been a good experience like every other time its just this awful like. being wound up and frantic and just everything is Too Much. i get this like mood amnesia thing where as soon as it's gone im

itsbellsie replied to your post “itsbellsie replied to your post: maybe if we all stood in a circle and...”

like i must have made this whole thing up in my head i'm a fake mentally ill person ahahhaa

YeaH yeah.... like. i’ll think i remember part of it. “oh i wasn’t that different.” but no.... i was...... “hmm i dont think i was feeling great but it wasn’t that bad, surely.”  No. It Was. 

which is why its like.... i try really hard to write stuff down a lot. so i don’t cut myself off from Liveblogging my emotional state here, bc im v bad at keeping journals and etc. the good news is im the best at keeping journals and etc when im wound up, so thats useful. but yeah. i gotta write it all down. 

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itsbellsie replied to your post: maybe if we all stood in a circle and ...

I have been told that I’m lucky bc my hypomania is relatively mild which is Great but like. It’s still really not fun

ITS NOT !!!! its like. sometimes i see it described as Pleasant like “oh you just feel great” and im like, well, yes, but also, in an unpleasant sort of Out Of Control Way. and it also is really weird bc i never really realize how weird i get like, internal narration wise, until i look at stuff i’ve written down during that stage (like diary/journal sort of stuff) and i go “wow.... uh. huh.” 

and also it’s like, it means that every time i think Positive Thoughts about myself like “man im a great writer. i am definitely better than [this famous well established figure from 20th century literature], haha” i have to stop and go Is This A Symptom??? (ive concluded its not a Symptom to think that im a better writer than hg wells, i feel ok saying that from an objective standpoint.) 

the worst thing is when yr both things at once, tho. that is.... really bad. i will state for the record that that is the absolute absolute worst it gets, is when its both. 

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itsbellsie replied to your post:the fuckin most important thing is to, i think,...

is this ok to reblog because !!! this

yes : O 

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itsbellsie replied to your post “w/r/t that last post i reblogged, i think it really would be...”

yo I feel that so hard, I don't take any literature courses or anything but I've had similar classroom experiences and it sort of wrecks my mentality for the rest of the semester/quarter

right , ? it just like fucks you up, which is AWFUL. i’ve said to a professor before “hey i am not going to be in class @ this date bc it is about something that will make me upset” but i wish that was something I was comfortable doing w/ every prof, that profs encouraged, and that was talked about up front at the beginning of the semester. 

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itsbellsie replied to your post:this is an ill considered and reprehensible post...

Only vaguely related, but it was really nice meeting you when you were in the bay!

aaaaah it was really nice meeting you too!!! i enjoyed my Bay Related Times very much 

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itsbellsie replied to your post “WELL! i didn’t realize i wasn’t due to get another refill of lamictal...”

Ahhhh you get withdrawal from lamictal? I've never noticed that or maybs I just attribute any weirdness to Bad Brains (TM)

itsbellsie replied to your post:cannot believe i am on this piece of shit drug...

aaaallllsooooo i hate it as a drug omg it makes me clench my teeth at night (i think? bc that dindt happen until i went to a high ish dosage?) adn such terrible dry mouth bbut i am sort of afraid of lithium for some reason

YEAH YOU (or at least I) GET WITHDRAWAL . lots of it. idk maybe i'm like, Super Affected By It specifically, but just my headaches shoot up and like today i was on half the dose only for a little while and i was disoriented and dizzy and angry and thats not all related to the drug obvs and some of its psychosomatic etc etc but it at least has me freaked enough that i think thats what happens, whether or not thinking makes it so or if its just so is sort of academic at this point. but other ppl apparently report it being pretty bad, withdrawal wise. 

i stopped taking zoloft and my dry mouth went pretty much away which was... really great... tho not all the way away, but still. mostly its just headaches! headaches and nausea probably and! who knows. its impossible to tell anymore what's a symptom of just being a human person, whats a symptom of being a Bad Brains Human Person, and whats a side effect -- and if its a side effect, from what. i guess the nice thing is, even if you cant ever get all yr medications to cancel out each others negative ramifications, you get to at least pick what part of the bad brains you want. "okay im already anxious and i have wild rapid mood swings and long depressive states --- i can belay the depression and even things out but that means i gotta give up on the anxiety, or i can get rid of the anxiety and possibly exacerbate the lethargic bits of the long slow hauls thru depression." 

i might complain about meds a lot but i mean, i am glad for them. and i really do think they help. it's like, i could have some headaches, or i could have every headache. theres no great solution but theres better ones. 

tl;dr: lithium is really intimidating to me, increasingly so by the hour apparently, also fuck dry mouth

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itsbellsie replied to your post:ah yes, the part of the steam sale where gone home...

so i should try it then??

i mean, it is very much pretty minimal in the gameplay department (you go around, you poke at the house until you find different ways to get to different parts of the house), and "walking simulator" is a not inaccurate tag that Steam has for it, but it is a good thing. it's a kind thing. i like the story, and i like it enough that i campaign to foist it onto other ppl at every possible opportunity. and it has riot grrl music in it, which is rad. 

[rock-bomber]

How will your giveaway work?

If none of my real life friends want my remaining code, I'll make a giveaway post and give you guys 24 hours to reblog the crap out of it. I'll take the names and then select a winner via random selection.

I only have 1 code left now so we'll see!