Feb 15, 2013
I got a new tattoo.
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I got a new tattoo.
Job.
I got a job today. Not a seasonal job. A permanent, part-time job. UCSD finally called and offered me one of the two positions available. I am über excited! Orientation is tomorrow and depending on how that goes, I might start on Sunday. Things are looking up for me. I know it :)
Why?
Why did you have to come back into my life? I was doing well without you in it. I didn't need for you to bring up all these emotions that I am trying to forget. You say that you care and that I mean a lot to you but you showed me otherwise. Please, just leave me alone and let me get on with my life. I don't want you to be a part of it anymore.
I just spent all day rearranging my room. I moved ALL my furniture. I am tired but happy with how it turned out.
My dad.
I don't know why but I feel the need to write about him so here I go.
I don't speak to him. The last time I did was at the end of July and we got into a fight, again. He's an alcoholic and was never really there for me, my sisters, or my mom. He's done A LOT of fucked up shit. I've never really had a relationship with him. I've never been able to go to him and talk to him about my life. When I had my first boyfriend, I didn't tell him until after 6 months and even then he didn't really care. Neither did I. I've realized that I stopped caring about him a long, long time ago. I'm also not angry at him anymore. Sometimes I wish he had been a better father. I feel that if he had then maybe I wouldn't have so many issues, especially when it comes to guys.
I started thinking about what would happen if he passed away and I realized that I don't think I would feel much. I think I would be more worried about making sure that my sister and I got his trucks and properties. I know it sounds fucked up but it really isn't considering that he fucked up our lives.
Sometimes I feel like I should go visit him but when I break it all down in my head, it really isn't worth it. We don't have anything to talk about, I don't feel like wasting my time crossing the border, and I sure as hell don't feel like having another pointless argument.
I just got a tattoo about 3 weeks ago and I already want to get another one. I think I might have a problem. I need to find a job soon so I can make this happen.
This house is not a home to you But you decide to go ahead and lay down, lay down There are no words to describe the depth of your indifference Cause I see you're here to stay Should have known to pick my fate Ooh I'm so wrong, I'm so wrong (To let you in my) To let you in my home (Now you know where I sleep) Now you know where I sleep (Never felt so damn weak) Hey there lonely girl Did you have to tell your friends About the way I got you screaming my name Did you have to tell the world Now your girls all wanna f*ck Girl you could've been the one Now gotta change my number twice a month When you could have simply kept me on the down low I'm so wrong, I'm so wrong (To let you in my) To let you in my home (Now you know where I sleep) Now you know where I sleep (Never felt so damn weak) Baby if I knew you'd be living in my sheets I wouldn't have shown you any love I would have left you in the club You said you don't belong You keep saying there's no one And there's nowhere to go But who keeps calling on your phone? I'm so wrong, I'm so wrong, I'm so wrong I'm so wrong, I'm so wrong (To let you in my) To let you in my home (Now you know where I sleep) Now you know where I sleep (Never felt so damn weak) (Oh baby) I'm so wrong, I'm so wrong (To let you in my) To let you in my home (Now you know where I sleep) Now you know where I sleep (Never felt so damn weak)
Late at night.
I miss sleeping next to you. The comfort it gave me. Knowing that I was safe. That having you here meant I wouldn't have nightmares. I would wake up rested, with no recollection of any dreams. Now that's all gone and it's back to restless nights. Tossing and turning. Waking up every few hours. Not being able to sleep in the dark. Waking up sweating and scared from the horrible nightmares. When is this going to end?