#ivf fet

[weretrying]

At 9:30am the embryologist called to tell us that of our 7 embryos, FIVE made it to blast.

WE HAVE FIVE DAY 5 BLASTS!

Of course I immediately started crying with relief.

I know we’re not out of the woods yet...there’s still the two week wait before we learn which (if any) are chromosomally normal....and then there’s a (hypothetical) transfer. There are many more places this can fall apart...but as of now? Today? We have five blasts. And I feel pretty freaking amazing.

[weretrying]

More Waiting...

Tomorrow morning we’ll get the call from the embryologist and learn how many (if any) of our 7 fertilized embryos made it to blast.

I know this is the part of the cycle where we got lucky last time (we had 3 embryos fertilize and 2 make it to blast).

I know there’s no rational reason why I should be scared we might not get ANY.

I know the odds don’t really matter at this point.

I know it’s too early to feel hopeless.

But the anxiety is biting today.

[weretrying]

The Rollercoaster Continues...

The embryologist called this morning to tell us that of our 17 eggs, 12 were mature and 7 fertilized. Now we wait for Sunday to learn if any of our 7 embryos make it to the blastocyst stage and move on to genetic testing. 

Yesterday I was feeling SO positive. Cocky, even. It was the first time I felt a real glimmer of hope in over two years of trying to conceive. 

But 24 hours later, I’m feeling totally hopeless again. Even though I know 7 embryos is a good place to be in as of now (it’s twice as good a position we were in last round)...there’s just so much that can happen between now and Sunday...I’m struggling to feel optimistic or excited about any of this.

Today on the bus ride home after work I realized...I actually might not ever feel what it’s like to be pregnant. I haven’t really let myself start thinking about that possibility yet. I’d already come to terms with the reality that we might never conceive in our own bed or be surprised by an at-home pregnancy test...but never carrying a baby at all? I just never even thought that was an option...and now? It’s all I can think about. This shit is so brutally unfair. And so NOT for the faint of heart. 

This whole cycle I’d been feeling more together. More detached (in a good way). And now I’m crashing. And it sucks.

[weretrying]

Wrapping up Day 8 of Stims and we are officially in the home stretch of this second round. My retrieval is tentatively scheduled for Monday.

I’ve been about as chill and emotionally quiet as I am capable of being. No real worries. No real concerns. No late night anxiety attacks or fits of crying. Not because I trust the universe and know things will work out...but because of the opposite. Who knows WHAT will happen!? There are a hundred ways this can play out, and obsessing over every possible outcome? Not healthy. Not positive. Not good for my heart.

I’m learning to be ok with the fact that we have no idea what is going to happen with this cycle, with each other, with our future, with anything. So why stress?

If this sounds supremely simple, then congratulations. You are way more evolved than I am. This took me 33 years to learn. But I’m learning it. Obsessing and crying and throwing a tantrum and pushing won’t get you closer to what you want. So this cycle I’ve been quiet. Relaxed. Happily distracted at work. Internally calm. Who knows what will happen. With this...or with anything else...all I can do is stay strong, unwavering and know that whatever life throws at me I will be OK.

[weretrying]

Good Vibes

It’s been one week since we decided, officially, to ditch the IUI plan and dive head-first into IVF...and that week? It was incredible.

Since we made the decision, we haven’t looked back and we’ve been closer than ever. Granted, we *just* celebrated our four year wedding anniversary so we’ve been a little more lovestruck than usual. I think the spring and all this time working in our garden and making this big decision and starting to let ourselves fantasize the tiniest bit about this working out...it’s brought us close.

I can tell B is excited about this. He’s talking to me about it a lot. Asking questions...even asking pregnancy and delivery-related questions (to which I said, “let’s try and get two pink lines before we start choosing hospitals, ok?”). I even catch him telling others about our plan. I can hear the excitement in his voice. We both decided that since we have an 80% chance of this working (per our doctor), then we are allowed to be 80% excited. Not fully, of course...and with a watchful, realistic eye. So we are letting ourselves be 80% hopeful, optimistic and trusting. And the other 20%? We’ll worry about that later, if we have to.

This fine line of emotions is a tricky one to walk, but I have to admit. I’ve been feeling so much more centered...so much more trusting in the universe...now that we have some answers, a plan and a doctor we love; it’s easier to feel positive. We are in good hands. We have a team of experts who want to help us. We are doing everything in our power to manifest this dream. That said, we know nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is owed to us. We are literally playing the lottery with this, and while the odds are currently in our favorite, things can crack as easily as an eggshell.

So for now? We’re eating clean. No caffeine. No alcohol. I’m going to acupuncture. And therapy. We’re taking walks. Working in the garden. I’m writing more than ever. Burning sage. Confiding in my friends. Listening to music. Staying distracted and engaged at work. So really? What else can I possibly be doing before CD1...when we start the medications and injections and the hormonal shitstorm. 

I just want to keep this calm going; keep focusing on my love of life as it is TODAY. Not as it might be or worse, “should” be. It’s hard...but holy shit is it better than being sad all the time. 

I’m getting there...slowly...