#iwndwyt

[jakarimalotara]

[vickymartini]

5 months alcohol free today!

[aqueousjuice]

one year sober as of earlier this week. there are little victories all around me

[dystopiandramaqueen]

1 Year Alcohol Sober Today!

<3 Thank you to everyone who kept being my friend when I quit drinking.

Fear of losing friends, and losing my identity- was my biggest barrier.

That and the concept of "never drinking again." It was too big, too scary. So I stopped worrying about it. I started just worrying about the day I was in, and whether drinking would make me feel better or worse today.

I don't write when I'm drunk. Drinking stole so much time from me.

I share this because I thought I was the only one who didn't want to drink anymore. And I didn't know how to stop. And it was very scary and lonely.

It's ok to drink if it doesn't hurt you.

If it's hurting you- it's ok to get curious about it. You don't have to stop. You don't HAVE to do anything. You're in control. But it's ok to hold space for your uncertainty. That is where the path starts.

At the beginning I couldn't go 24 hours without a drink. I drank 2-3 bottles of wine a day. As a baseline. I almost died of alcohol poisoning several times in the past few years. At the end my skin was getting yellow and puffy, my belly distended, I was developing liver failure. And he shit is so fucking addictive I couldn't stop.

It's important to talk about because not everyone survives.

I lost 3 friends in the past few years. Younger than me, in their 30s, to acute liver failure from booze. They died of broken hearts. Addiction. Slow suicide by legal poison they sell in the grocery store.

My grandmother died when her esophageal varices burst. She drowned in her own blood. After drinking to soothe her broken heart because she missed my mom. My mom moved from Michigan to Virginia with my dad. And her mom drank herself to death.

Alcohol was involved in my mom's death too.

I've seen families ripped apart by addiction. Wives have hidden in my home with their kids as they served restraining orders on abusive violent alcoholic husbands. With brains that couldn't love anymore because of the poison.

This summer there was a victory.

At the beach with my family, my dad offered my daughter a sip of his beer. She told me this later.

"What did you say?" I asked.

"I said NO! That's poison, AND I'm gluten intolerant and beer is made of wheat."

I have never been so proud. And THAT is why I talk about it. And it made a fucking difference, and broke a cycle that has plagued my family for GENERATIONS.

So it's ok to not know.

It's ok to like it sometimes, and not others.

But if it isn't serving you, seek out the community. You're not alone. I am here to talk any time- it's my favorite topic.

A year ago I was sweaty and scared and sick for the last time. And I just started practicing. Waiting a little. Stretching it out. A day, then two. A week, then two. Took about 5 years of fuckups and relapses to get here.

And I am addicted to so many other things. I am still a hot fucking mess.

But that one deamon- no longer controls me.

Honest to god, do not miss it at all. Especially don't miss the feeling of poisoning the next morning.

"You don't not drink for 20 years all at once. You don't drink today, and if it's better? You do it again."

-Russell Brand, from his book "Recovery" which saved my life by bringing the 12 steps out of the halls of churches, and presenting them riddled with f-bombs.

[dimensionalities]

I read somewhere that rock bottom isn’t where you hit some sort of disastrous consequence, it’s just where you decide to stop digging.

I’m not expecting a cake, or a “proud of you,” or a plastic chip with the number 30 on it. I probably won’t even end up posting this anywhere people will actually read it. But I stopped digging 30 days ago today, and I needed to say that I don’t plan on picking that damn shovel back up again.

[aqueousjuice]

a little over 9 months sober from alcohol— just wanted to throw this to the void and share. proud of myself but also it’s weird to still be realizing how badly alcohol impacted my life. obviously I have addict blood and having ADHD didn’t help in that either but like, fuck, I was just constantly making everything harder for myself and it took me so long to realize.

anyway hope whoever reads this is treating themselves with as much kindness as they’re able to.

[aqueousjuice]

day 80 of sobriety ! seems to be going well but I think it made it easier to realize I have gone undiagnosed with ADHD so now I’m in the process of potentially getting medicated for that. always gotta be something but my skin looks better so oh well.

[aqueousjuice]

one week sober. i am sleeping so much better and i love seeing the pigeons downtown and watching the sun rise.