#iwritestuff

[shelbywrobertson]

Laying out more sequential pages for my #DarkShrine project #indiecomics #selfpublishing #idrawstuff #iwritestuff #icouldgoforanadiosmf #comics #art #preview https://igg.me/at/shelbysketch (at Old Main, University of Arizona) https://www.instagram.com/p/CGQ6X44he6v/?igshid=x7v9xo9ir1ay

[seungwansaveusall]

Just being able to hold Wendy is enough to comfort Taeyeon after a long week. Tucked under the older’s chin, Wendy nuzzles her nose into her neck and sighs, inhaling the reassuring scent of her lover. She’s not afraid to be exhausted and vulnerable when her arms circled around her waist. 

[dannissa13]

NaNo, the end.

Well, this was a ride. An emotional roller coaster I’m not sure I should have taken or was prepared for. 

I’ve received a scam text today. It was the most bizarre thing to happen to me lately just from the way it made me feel and from the fact that it’s 2018 who receives those kinds of things anymore!? That flipped my day upside down and kinda rerailed everything I had to do, but still, I have something to say about this.

We all are our worst critics, especially when it comes to the things we do creatively. I’m setting myself some utterly unrealistic goals and then get so frustrated when I can’t reach them. It's a constant struggle, trying to live up to something unattainable, physically impossible and over-the-top demanding, but I still do it every single goddamn time and it’s just madness. It was a bad idea in the first place, by the way, getting involved in NaNo this year, knowing full well that I was going to fail it anyway. I’m really upset about that and I will be for a long time and that thought will be eating me from inside, a reminder of my stupid failures. I fly to close to the sun and never learn my lesson. And my obsessive, self-loathing mind will come back to it and will haunt me forever and ever with those reminders and with my stupid cockiness.

This took such a toll on me partly because of my mental illness, partly because of my stress from changing jobs and getting into the new profession and new working environment and also being completely new to all of it, and partly because I’m a self-hating, self-destructive and self-loathing idiot who likes pain.

That being said, journaling is something I should probably do on a frequent basis because that helped me a lot with self-realization, processing of emotions and worked as a coping mechanism for my depression and anxiety. I truly felt better after writing about my day and I haven't felt as stable as I was for a long time, a few years maybe. Also, this kinda solves my other problem, that I’ve never shared before - I feel like I’m losing memories and having lapses, just blacking out almost. It’s an easy way to keep track of my life and my thoughts and my emotions without getting lost in the calendar trying to figure out what events happened or what was going on with me. But the thing is, though, that I don’t want to do this, not really, because it turned into a chore pretty quickly and now I can’t see it any other way. I know I’ll feel better after, but I can’t bring myself to do it because I don’t want to do it. Things I HAVE to do are not the things I WANT to do.

That’s pretty much it, I guess. This also sums up my life nicely - great expectations and crappy reality on top of the unhealthy relationship with myself. I’ll try to use this as a reminder that I can still get something good out of a shitty situation and try to recuperate, regroup and carry on. That’s the least I can do, really. Thanks for getting along for this ride with me, I hope the next one will be better.       

[dannissa13]

NaNo, day 27

I’ve just spent all of the eight hours of my work day doing virtually nothing. That’s why I fucking loathe one of my bosses - he doesn’t want me to do well at this job, he doesn’t want me to be productive or actually contribute quality work. Oh, no-no-no, he just wants me to work like a mule, without a second to breathe or even lift my head up, just doing some mindless tasks so I won’t be doing nothing. It’s entirely counterintuitive for me, doing something for the sake of putting empty work out. It’s like shouting into the void, or like trying to put out a wildfire with a spray bottle. It’s a waste of my time and energy that could’ve been spent better and with more fruitful outcome to benefit everyone. But instead of managing the situation using the logic this person decided I should just suffer and so I do exactly that. This sucks major ass and I hate it.

I’ve just saw that Coca-Cola winter commercial, the one with a huge truck and realized how much I miss my grandpa. He would always sing along to the jingle a bit mockingly and made me laugh while doing it. He loved winter holidays and I loved them too when I was a child. My life was so much happier then, it was hard but I was happy nonetheless. Maybe because I was dumb, maybe because I didn’t knew a lot of shitty truths about life that I know now, or maybe it’s nostalgia talking, with it’s thick pink-colored lens glasses that I just cannot shake off, those memories hazy and therefore pleasantly magical, without a tinge of overwhelming shittiness or sadness that follows ne around now and had been my companion since the adolescence. Maybe it’s all of that combined in a tightly knit package of denial and my brain’s self preservation, because if I suddenly realize that my whole life was always shitty I might just end it all, maybe it’s something else but I know only one thing for sure - I really miss my grandad. The person he was before he got really sick and was slowly dying, the person who partially raised me and who had been nice to me and supportive of my dreams and happiness. He taught me so much, he shaped me as a person in a lot of ways, I get my critical thinking, desire for knowledge and answers, smarts, stubbornness and love of animals from him. I did love him when he was alive and I’m regretting not spending enough time with him when he was getting worse. I feel so guilty about alienating myself from him and not taking enough time to be there for him like he did for me. I haven’t processed his death still, even though he has been gone since May. I don’t feel actual pain though, only this pulling sadness every time I think about him. And now this commercial, that reminds me so much about him, has brought me to tears. I own him so much for making me who I am right now and I’m so alone without him. Love you and miss you so much, grandpa. I can’t fully understand that you’ve been dead for more than half a year now and I can’t believe that it even happened. But ignoring it won’t help either.

I’ve written a lot today but all in the wrong places. Getting my shit together won’t help at this point and I need to accept it and move along. It’s never ending. Good bye.

[dannissa13]

NaNo, day 26

And it’s Monday. And it’s also a day I need to hustle and bustle to tie all of the loose ends I’ve left when leaving to have rest at home. I scrambled all day to finish everything up and tie it all up in a neat pretty bow to send off into the big world. I’ve did it, successfully, and even though coming back to work was a little weird I still liked it. I, for the most part, with the exception of one person, like all my coworkers. They’re nice people, they treat me nicely and our team is friendly to each other and it’s all nice and good, except for one thing, for that one person I’ve mentioned before. He’s an ASSHOLE, like an insufferable, unimaginable dickhead and overall an extremely unpleasant person. He enjoys being a dick to people, he really gets off on it and no one says anything to him. Goddamnit, I hate this. I’m so tired of this bullshit.

So, on top of that, my anxiousness about the course on my job I was supposed to finish is in full bloom because I’ve suddenly remembered that I’m going to be told whether or not I’ll be staying at this job, like really soon. I’ve started panicking. That annoys me the most. Why am I so bothered by this? I don’t even wanna stay at this job, I wanna leave and I even have options of where to go. So why oh why am I so nervous about being fired from this shit show? That’s probably my fear of failure talking. I’m honestly terrified of letting someone down or not exceeding the expectations of people I shouldn’t even care about yet I still do. I’m so scared of being an embarrassment, of being incompetent, of being a fool, a butt of the joke, a disappointment that I just wanna go into the another dimension or die on a spot. And it’s not like I haven’t been scaled or that I can’t distinguish between criticism and bullying or some other shit. I just shut down in these kinds of situations because of my past history and shitty childhood. I’m letting myself be a victim while this happens because I’m used to it and it’s normalized in my head like something that’s supposed to be like this. I’m bad and I need to be punished and shamed into feeling extremely guilty and bad even when the person criticizing me is insane and delusional and basically bullying me into submission. It’s bullshit, I’m helping those dicks by tearing myself down with them, by letting their words affect me, by letting myself to be victimized and blaming for everything and not standing up to them. This has to stop. I need to push through and I need to stay strong for my own sake.

I’ve also had an epiphany today. I’m golden for now because one of the people who has to be at my evaluation to give me feedback left for a vacation and won’t be back until next week (I hope, I’m not sure about that yet), I have a little time to at least start on that “educational” reading. And maybe I’ll make up my mind about this whole situation and will finally determine once and for all that I shouldn’t be so devastated by other people’s negative opinion of me. We shall see about that.

It was Assassin’s Creed again today. I like this game. And again, it’s like five sentences. Ugh.

[dannissa13]

NaNo, day 23

Oh boy, here it comes! My god I wanna go back to my previous work. Yes it was shit, but it’s kinda nice being at home like this while also being partially productive and only a little bit responsible. It’s like a diet adulthood, when you kinda do something and kinda get payed but it’s no biggie if you fuck up every once in the while.

I’ve had a fabulous half-and-half day today, I’ve done shit I was putting off for a long time, I’ve chilled and had some dumb entertainment, I’m feeling better physically and I’ve even treated myself to a nice coconut oil rub down after the shower. This is nice, I like this. Yeah, I know full well that it’s not gonna last long, but I’m trying to be more mindful and more present and to enjoy the moment while it’s happening and not in retrospective. I’ve also bought a fuckload of cheap cute things I wanted and talked a little to one of my dear friends. It was amazing to finally have a day like this, to have a breather, to be here and not race against time to the next thing that’ll stress the living shit outta me. Lots of food, lots of fun and something of importance to do in order to feel accomplished - that’s a recipe fora good day for me. At least right now it is.

I don’t know if y’all know, but I have two cats, older one and younger one. They’re both beautiful boys with extremely different personalities but I love them immensely. So they really liked licking that coconut oil I’ve mentioned before off of me and I’ve googled if they can consume that. Luckily in the small doses oil is harmless so I’ve stopped freaking out about them getting a poisoning. You see, when I got to bed and had already fallen asleep, my grown-up boy decided that he wanted to show me how much he loves me and woke me up by repeatedly licking my hand, like a real gentleman, gave me kisses on a hand. That’s sweet and all and I let him do that because it’s cute, I’m gross and he would’ve gotten really upset if I shooed him away because he’s an animal and he doesn’t understand why I could’ve not liked him giving me a nice tongue bath. I just washed my hands afterwards and gotten back to sleep. But, and that’s a funny thing, before this instance, I’ve been licked by the baby cat on the same hand earlier in the day. So it’s either love for me (or the coconut oil, but I don’t mind that because oil is still mine so they’ll be loving me by proxy), or there’s something extremely wrong with this hand and I need to start worrying right now before it’s too late. Hope it’s the first one.

I have wrote a small tiny little bit, but “any hole is a goal” right now. See ya soon, baiiiii!

[dannissa13]

NaNo, day 22

Well, I really hoped that it wouldn’t come to this but alas - I’m starting to hate my job and it kills me. I honestly really wanted for this to be a different experience, it wasn’t supposed to be this way. This happened to my previous job and the one before that and it sucks major dick. It’s soul crushing, it’s life draining, it’s completely and entirely horrible to come to the work hating it, to be in the place you can’t stand with people you despise.

But I’m back-back-back again to the mindset of “I don’t wanna go outside, I’m not gonna go outside and I’m also not gonna do anything!” It was like this before, for a long time, it took a few years out of my life, it’s shit, it’s unhealthy for me, it’s bad, but I wanna go back so badly right now. Just to slump, slide back into that pit, don’t have any responsibilities, lay there like a sack of potatoes and rot in my misery. That was so easy, that was so simple - just hating myself and feeling sorry for myself but not actually doing anything about it. Being stagnant, pessimistic and down all the time

I’ve slipped so easily into my old bad habits, into that way of thinking and acting, into my former self, let that brew and steep for a day, wallowed in this procrastination fatigue, mindless, mind numbing, wasteful. It’s like the illness I’m having, it’s felt like this has never gotten away, like it’s been here the whole time and I just lied to myself and ignored it.

I did nothing the whole day today and I honestly hoped that it would feel glorious again but the day went by in a heart beat and I felt like shit from being so useless, unproductive and wasteful of my time. And it felt the same before, I just didn’t wanna admit it. I’ve been used to feeling like shit all the time and it was so normalized in my head that now when I go there I’m honestly shocked about how horrible it was and how awful that felt. Oh, wow.

Not only have I havd fallen behind on my writing schedule here, I’ve also straight up ignored my other responsibilities in order to treat myself to something I thought was nice even though I was deceiving myself about this, basically abusing and gaslighting myself for years, even trying to do this again. That’s fucked up. A lot of shitty people will try to do this to you anyway, don’t help them, don’t fuck yourself up, be nice. Treat yourself like you would treated a beloved friend, don’t give the only person that’s forever in your life this bullshit.

And after understanding all of this whilst writing it down I now have this sudden and insatiable urge to just do stuff, to do something, anything. Make some shit, write, do things. Maybe I need to keep myself constantly busy with mondaine shit just to keep myself from slipping and falling back. It’s like I’m a recovering addict, person who was hooked up on the emotional pain and suffering so much that any kind of sobriety is now difficult and this is my AA and I need those twelve steps. Certainly looks like it at this moment.

I’m not gonna leave my dream of becoming a successful writer one day but I should keep reminding myself that this “one day” concept is not gonna happen over night and also that it’s false, like an entire idea of “one day” doesn’t do justice to what you actually need to do - work hard, constantly, continuously and grow as a person, move forward not only in your craft but also in your mindset. That’s difficult, that’s a lot of trouble and it’ll knock me down countless times but if I let it, if I stay down and won’t get back on my feet over and over again it’ll be a dead dream. So I need to keep trying my best and earnest, I need to keep on keeping on, I need to fight for myself with myself and I need to take that happiness no matter what.

I fell really behind on these things and on my writing too, but today, despite everything that happened in my head, was not bad at all. I’ve wrote some decently good stuff and I’m fully okay with that. Also, today is Thanksgiving, so I just wanna say that I’m thankful for being in more or less functioning body, having friends that I love and being able to express myself in the way I want. Be good, kiddos, and be grateful for all you got, anything is better than nothing. Love y’all, bye!

[dannissa13]

NaNo, day 19

One of my most favorite characters is Sans from Undertale, who can be described as “wastes potential”. I’m all about those brilliant, amazingly smart characters who waste their lives and stay in complete stagnation when it comes to their growth. Hi, have we met? That’s me. I identify strongly with those kinds of vibes because I’m a fuckup too.

Speaking of fuckups - I’ve had a major one just a few days ago. I’ve throughly messed up a task at work, which was a “big, important” kind of task, and had the most dumbass reaction to that. I hate emotionally flip-flopping between two radically different states of mind yet I still do it all the time. So on Friday I was finishing my work for the week and took a shittilly thought out shortcut to make it on time. In my defense, I’ve had all the intentions of fixing it but haven’t had any time to do so. And that version of the final product went for a review by other people. The strangest thing is - I was incredibly chill about that the entirety of my weekend but when it hit me, it hit me hard.

Today I woke up with the sudden realization of the fact that the thing I was supposed to make wasn’t working alright and that I’ve made changes in places I shouldn’t have meddled with in order for my thing to pass as a well functioning final product. Basically I’ve lied about my thing and that was going to bite me in the ass if I didn’t do anything about that. So I did what I do best - panicked.

In one morning I’ve made six separate plans of actions in case this lie would come to light and I will have to explain myself. Of course I had no intentions of telling the truth and was going to bullshit a bunch of people just to keep myself from being blamed. So I’ve had a plan for every single situational outcome of my lie. No joke, I thought of everything. Except for one thing - no one actually gave enough fucks to thoroughly check my work and it was all good. I’ve just had a major freak out and a mild panic attack for nothing. And that was great and glorious because the rest of my work day, even though it was real hard, felt like a breeze. Another interesting side effect was that I became extremely energized and happy, like I’ve had a gallon of expresso and bounced around for an entire day. But the low still came and I couldn’t really sleep or function normally in any capacity.

I wrote like three sentences. That’s pathetic. I’m shit at this.