A day in a life - F.D Jarvis
I just stare at it like itās happening to someone else.
because turning it off would mean admitting
and Iām not ready to participate in it.
I think about getting up.
I think about not getting up.
I think about how tired I am
even though Iāve done nothing yet.
I think about how unfair it is
to be exhausted before consciousness.
Then my bladder interrupts the debate.
But I donāt want to get up.
Iāll have to clean the bed.
Iāll have to strip the sheets,
I also have to clean myself.
And I donāt want to clean myself.
let alone deal with the consequences
Because the alternative requires more effort.
I stand there longer than necessary,
letting the relief happen
I wash my hands because thatās the rule.
Then I look in the mirror.
Thereās a man staring back at me
and my first thought isā
a mirror isnāt a window.
My face looks tired in a way sleep doesnāt fix.
Lines carved at the corners of my eyes
like repetition finally left marks.
heavy, permanent-looking,
as if Iāve been hauling something invisible for years.
Crowās feet cracking outward,
my face braced for impact
long before it ever came.
I look like the Grim Reaper
if the Grim Reaper were about to be reaped.
I feel like Iām borrowing this faceā
I donāt remember consenting to.
Then my dog interrupts me.
Like sheās reminding me I still exist.
like Iām her lord and savior,
like I personally keep the world spinning,
and all I can think isā
why did you pick me, bro?
Or did we pick each other?
I honestly donāt remember anymore.
And when I look at her like that,
I remember the day I got her.
Why I got her in the first place.
I had a chain around my neck.
Standing on a bridge. Ready to jump.
I didnāt want to die, but I simply didnāt want to live either. ļæ¼
Rain was coming down hard enough
that it kept hitting my phone screen
and ruining everything I was trying to say.
I was trying to type out a goodbye messageā
something that made sense,
but the water kept smearing the screen.
And then suddenly I wasnāt.
How the fuck did I end up here?
I was looking down at my phone,
frustrated, shaking, soaked,
and there was a face staring back at me.
It said they were overloaded.
That some would have to be put down
if they werenāt adopted soon.
Why do I love animals more than humans?
Why does that sentence feel truer
than anything else Iāve ever said?
I couldnāt kill myself.
that a dog who only wanted to exist
while a man who wanted to die
So I unraveled the chain.
My dog licks my leg again.
Pulls me back into the bathroom.
I love you because youāre alive and happy.
I hate you because Iām alive and unhappy.
how the fuck does that work?
She keeps licking my leg.
Which means I have to move.
Which means I have to take her out.
I think about changing them.
Iāll be miserable all day.
But my shoes are already on.
And taking them off feels like too many steps
for a problem that hasnāt happened yet.
I donāt have time to think about my feet.
To choose the perfect spot.
I wonder if she holds it on purposeā
because the longer she holds it,
stuck inside with a man like me,
Iād probably want to be outside too.
Maybe she likes being alive.
Eventually, sheās done.
Because thatās the rule.
like Iām her entire world.
That part hurts more than it should.
I havenāt eaten in twoā
I donāt want any of it.
I donāt have the energy to cook.
Cooking requires standing,
I need food to have energy.
because I havenāt eaten.
Scoop peanut butter straight from the jar.
Probably the only thing Iāll eat today.
Which means I have to keep going.
I hate how close everyone is
without actually touching.
and how loud my thoughts get because of it.
Thereās a man in a three-piece suit.
He must have more money than meā
logic says thatās how suits work.
Then I imagine him miserable.
Only working because he has to.
The same way I have to walk my dog.
The same way I have to get up
so I donāt pee the bed.
Different levels of life.
Same obligation to exist.
Maybe weāre both pretending.
and I give the short version.
The version that fits inside a chart.
I donāt tell her everything.
Sheās not my therapist.
thereās a limit to what fits
inside a fifteen-minute window.
I wonder how someone can help me
if theyāve never been here.
Then I wonder how they could help anyone
I donāt need groceries.
Iām here for pizza pockets.
Because she needs to eat.
the cashier asks if I want
or one of those reusable fabric ones.
And inside my head I think,
fuck you, you dumb motherfucker.
Because of the pile at home.
The mountain of fabric bags
I keep forgetting to bring back.
I donāt want to collect them like trophies
But the paper bags are garbage.
They betray you halfway home.
Another one to add to the collection
Somewhere in the middle of it,
I just donāt want to exist like this.
Depression isnāt sadness.
Depression is subtraction.
A radio tuned just past silence.
Eventually, the day ends.
Not because it got better.
Because time gave up on it.
And thereās relief in that.
Feedback is always welcomed. š«¶š»