The air is cold on my face and I dig myself further into my sweatshirt, pulling my hands into the sleeves so they can’t be seen. The streetlights are on but they’re useless considering how many buildings line the streets, lights on in almost every window. My eyes linger on the black windows on the side of one of the buildings and I wonder why the lights are turned off, my mind running through different scenarios. I almost jump out of my skin when I feel someone sit down next to me on the bench, their warmth radiating off them as if they were a heater rather than a person. I know who it is before I even turn to look at him, the scent of cigarette smoke and his aftershave cling to him the same way a shadow would.
“You’re supposed to be on a flight.”
“I couldn’t leave like that.” He replies. I turn my head to look at him only to find his eyes already on me. He smiles at me softly and I can’t help but smile back at him. When it’s like this - empty and quiet - it feels like we’re the only two people left on the earth.
“This is exhausting Cal.” I sigh. His smile turns to a grimace. “We can’t keep breaking each other’s hearts every time you go.”
“So I won’t go.”
It’s that simple to him. I shake my head. “You can’t not go. You’re Calum Hood and he’s an important part of a lot of people’s lives these days.” I smile a proper smile at the last part, pride filling me up. I reach over, my hand cupping his face. He leans into my palm, his eyes shutting. “You gotta go babe.”
“So come with me.” He murmurs.
“We tried that.” I reply. “It didn’t work well. Remember?” He mumbles something I don’t quite understand and opens his eyes but doesn’t move. I rub my thumb across his cheek slowly, taking him in. His three day old stubble, the way his eyebrows furrow when he frowns, the beanie he’s smashed onto his head in his rush to get to wherever I disappeared to after the airport.
“I hate this.” He sighs. I hum in agreement. “I hate saying goodbye to you.
“It’s not goodbye.” I tell him “It’s I’ll see you later.” I drop my hand and stand up. He follows me a moment later and spins me around, cupping my face in his hands and pressing his forehead to mine, our nose touching. “It’s I’ll see you later.”
somebody somewhere requested this and i took the liberty to write about it. (:
warnings: smut. a lot of dirty things so if youre not into it scroll
“Babe, what do you think about this on that leather skirt for our dinner tomorrow?” I was showing Grayson Gucci sweater while he was sitting on a sofa in the middle of a store drinking Pellegrino water.
“Pretty” he took a sip.
“Gray!” I sighed “Youre not taking this seriously”
“Babe.” Grayson got up and stood in front of me “Babe. I seriously doubt my mom will care if you’re wearing 1000$ Gucci sweater or a 10$ H&M one. You look pretty in your Pjs.”
I rolled my eyes and regretted it immediately.
“Bell.” he cupped my chin and directed it to his face. “You know I hate when you do that.”
“I know. But you’re not getting the point.” I shrugged his hand off of me. “Im meeting your mom and sister for the first time. I want to leave a good impression and feel nice okay?”
Grayson was mommas boy and I knew what that meant. Nobody is ever good enough for him. So, naturally, I felt nervous to meet them.
“Okay. You’re right, Im sorry. How about you go pick some red wine for mom and we meet outside in a few?” he took the sweater out of my hand.
“No, Ill pay for this, you pick the wine.” I tried to take it away from him but he didn’t let me.
“You know that’s not in question. Go.” he said in his serious voice and I knew better but to argue. I went to a liqueur store and spent too much time deciding which wine to get so I bought three hoping at least one would be alright.
“Im waiting in the car. x” Grayson texted me and I hurried back to the car.
I knew he was waiting for me for a while because he was scrolling through his instagram with music blasting when I came back. He just smiled at me when I sat down and turned in the engine.
“Sorry. Didn’t know what to pick.”
“Thats okay. Im sure you picked something nice, you’re the wine expert at last.”
“Thats true,” I giggled “I am the wine expert.”
I was already in the house when Grayson came back from the car with three Gucci bags in his hands and casually left them in the middle of the room.
“Did you buy something for yourself too?” I asked pulling out a box.
“I did actually.” he came back to the living room and sat on a couch. “I also got you some stuff too.”
I opened the box and there was pink Gucci sweatshirt that I was eyeing for a while.
“Gray! What the fuck?” I looked at him and he was smirking at me leaned back to the sofa. I would notice how majestic he is at the most random moments.
“Go on.” he sad almost demandingly.
I open the other box and delicately remove the paper. I look at the white lace material and immediately know what it is.
“No. Gray, no. This dress is literally 6000$ why did you do this?” I don’t even want to pull it out of the box. He know how much I wanted this dress.
“Because I love you and I love seeing you happy and I also love when you wear these absurdly silly dresses that literally no one else would wear” he smiles.
“Stop it. Its a beautiful dress. But you know I hate when you do this. I could’ve bought the dress but it’s unreasonably expensive and I just couldn’t justify it.” I was sitting on a floor still next to unopened dress.
“I justify it by making you happy”
I look at him in silence for a moment and get up to kiss him.
“You’re stupid but thank you.” I kiss him on the lips.
In that moment we hear keys in a lock and realize Ethan is probably returning home.
“HI ETHAN” we both yell across the room.
“HI GUYS” he yells back at us entering in a living room. “Woah, you guys did some shopping?” he looks at the bags on the floor. “Anything for me?”
“Yeah I actually bought you that belt you’ve been wanting” Grayson says
“For real?” Ethan makes an exciting step towards the bags
“No you weirdo” Gray laughs
“I don’t know why I fell for that.” Ethan takes a bottle of water from the fridge and goes into his room.
I go and sit next to Grayson on a sofa.
“Thank you, but you didn’t have to do that.” I give him a kiss.
“Please get used to it. I want to give you everything and don’t ever want you to thank me. Im happy to do it” he cups my chin again and looks me in the eyes before kissing me again. I smile and put my hand on his jawline, slowly following its bones with my fingers. His jawline turns me on and he knows it which is why it turns him on too. He moves his hand from my cheek to my throat and gently squeezes it. We kiss faster and more passionately. He know how much I love that. If I let him go further this will lead to something more.
“Gray” I somehow separate our lips but quickly come back to them. Resting my lips on his, breathing heavily with him. He kisses me slowly once again and then we go back to faster pace from few seconds ago. His hands are on my ribs and waist, squeezing me and my hands are on his back. We are making out heavily for at least five minutes and I know hes already turned on.
“We should stop” I whisper when he starts kissing my neck
“Why?” his deep voice vibrates on my neck and it makes me shiver.
“Ethan. And the rest of these boxes?” I try and make an excuse
“Its your sweater and another sweatshirt but I got myself a matching one. There. We dont need to open them now” he continues to kiss my neck and then stops “but we should change rooms.” he gets up and caughts me off guard when he picks me up.
“Gray!” I yell but whisper at the same time
“Shut up” he cuts me off. We are almost halfway in his room. He shuts the door with his leg and puts me on his bed, takes off my shirt leaving me in my bralette and sweatpants. He stop for a second and smiles at me.
“I love you like this. In sweatpants and lace.”
He puts himself beneath me, supporting himself with his muscular hands. I trace those muscles with my fingertips and pull him closer to kiss him. His lips are warm and soft. My hand is in his hair, my legs around him. Hes slowly grinding on me while we kiss eagerlessly. I pull my hand down his shirt feeling his torso and slowly graze his boxer lining. Gray stops kissing me and sights, his eyes closed. I love seeing him loose control so I continue to put my hand in his pants feeling him and slowly stroking. Grayson lowers himself and starts breathing to my neck which drives me insane so I let out a low moan, now putting my hand in his boxers and feeling the warmth and hardness in my palm.
His breathing becomes heavy as I stroke him. He starts letting out moans.
“Shh” I shush him and he immediately bites my throat and starts sucking.
I dont give up and start playing with his tip which I know makes him crazy. He sucks even harder.
“Gray, stop” I starts hurting and he stops
“Sorry, you’re torturing me”
I smile and he finally opens his eyes looking at me. He takes my hand out of his pants and puts it on my boob and then does the same with my other hand. Hes going down on me while having his hands on my hands, playing with my boobs.
I feel his breath down there and I am already out of it. He slowly starts rotating his tongue on my clit, sucking it and playing with it. I am now moaning and breathing very heavy. I put the sheets in my mouth.
“Say when to stop, I dont want you to come” he demands.
I nod slightly and let him continue but do t last much longer
“Stop” I whimper and he stops. He meets my eyes again and I suck his lips, tasting myself.
“You dirty girl” he looks at me devilishly and I smile removing his pants. He snaps my bralette open and suck on my nipple.
“I need you” I say
“What did you say?” he looks up at me
“I need you” I repeat
Grayson takes his p and teases my clit with it.
“You are so wet.”
Since its already so sensitive I lose control, bend my back and whimper loudly.
“Repeat it again please?” Grayson whispers in my ear still with his penis sliding down my entrance. I bite his ear.
“I. Fucking. Need. You.” I say through my teeth, my body lovering itself onto him. He loves it. He loves teasing me.
“You need to be good” he squeezes my neck and slides himself in me slowly, torturing me as much as he can. I put my head in his shoulders trying not to cry out. He is so big, I never get used to it. He lets go of my neck and gently removes hair from my face. My eyes are closed but I can feel him looking at me so I smile. He thirst himself deeper and covers my mouth. We both let out a small moan.
“Fuck” he says
I realize his hands must be tired my now so I pull him down and I put my legs around him, straddling him, again, slowly lowering myself onto him. He puts his hands on my boobs and we are looking at each other as I ride him slowly. We are starting ti sweat as we smile to each other. I close my eyes and let it take over me. He is playing with my nipples and its driving me crazy. Im going faster and he joins me thrusting into me as I lower my self. Its almost painful, but too good to stop it. Our breathing is so quick and loud and I think Grayson thinks the same because he puts the sheet over us. Its now ten times hotter than it was.
“Fuck I wish I could scream” he says grabbing me and turning me to the side. I wimp as he suddenly pulls himself out of me. My body literally longing for him.
He lays behind be and hugs me tightly, pushing himself in. I spread my legs so I could take him.
“Fuck how are you so tight right now” he growls into my shoulder. I force myself down in him and whimper.
“Are you okay?” he asks
“Yes” I answer shortly and we start moving our bodies. I literally cant last any longer when he starts massaging my clit with his finger.
“Gray, gray” I whimper
“Shh” he shuts me up but it doesnt help so I pit the sheet in my mouth again. “Dont come yet”
I cant believe what hes saying because I am on the edge. I try to last as long as I can but my body is betraying me and I start shaking and moaning into the sheet. Gray does the same one second after, burying his face in my back. We stay still for a while, just taking breaths hastily. Gray covers us up with another blanket and we cuddle up even closer.
“Fuck” he whispers in my ear but I am still unable to respond so I just run my fingers through his hair and turn around to face him. Eyes closed. I kiss him barely.
Sugar Daddy Grayson (smut) 2k - Gray buys you sum nice stuff from Gucci but you don’t even have enough time to look at it before he takes you to his bedroom
Old fashioned (smut) 4k - Grayson invited you to a dinner with his business partners and you whined about not wanting to go. He makes it worth your while
Sweet but psycho (fluff) 1.2k - Gray and you went a little overboard with your sub and dom fetish last night. You feel exhausted and your whole body, covered with bruises, aches. Grayson feels very bad and takes care of you in every way possible
note: please know that these are a product of imagination where we tend to perfectionate things. sex is much more than one shots and smut - most importantly use protection !
So, I started writing this out of the blue. It was supposed to be smut but I decided to do it differently.
I usually write about things that Im familiar with and things I cant talk freely about in real life and well, this is it.
Plot: Isabella struggles with drug use, Ethan is her best friend and always there to help. Lucas is a guy she parties a lot with.
(English is not my first language and theres probably some bad grammar in here sorry)
Warnings: drug use
Part 1
Im a mess. Once again I was barely awake, sitting on a sidewalk waiting for him to pick me up. This happened countless times already. 4,5,6,7 AM calls for him to pick me up because Im too fucked up to even go home alone.
“Just send me your location, Ill be there” Ethan sleepily said through the phone. I needed a few minutes to send that location but he was there within 15 minutes already.
“Jesus Christ Bella” he got out of a car to help me get in. He brought a jacket with him and made me put it on.
“Im sorry” I tried to get up but he picked me up and lay me down in the backseat.
“Puke through the window” he said getting in the driving seat.
“I dont puke. You know this” I was half asleep already.
“What did you take?” Ethan was glancing at me in the rear mirror while speeding down the Hollywood boulevard. “Youre pale as fuck”
I didnt answer so he sighted.
“Im sorry” I repeated quietly.
Ethan was my best friend for my whole life and he hated to see me like this but he made me swear to call him every time I feel like I need him. I would hate if something happened to you while Im only one call away. He would say and I understood him because it was the same way around, just with some other things. Im mostly a good citizen, a good student and a good friend but I need to let some steam out from time to time so I go to parties and use some drugs. Nothing major, ecstasy or coke and I wouldnt go any further than that. Ethan didnt support this whatsoever but he learned to deal with it when he realized he couldn’t help.
I dont remember the drive home but I remember Ethan carrying me inside.
I sat down in his bathroom and smeared face wash all over my face then dragged myself in the shower and turned the water on while still sitting on the floor letting it drip all over me.
I woke up in dark, glass of water next to Ethans bed. I felt fine, drugs dont cause that much of a hangover as alcohol but more of a depression. Come down, they call it.
Are you home? I texted Ethan and he shortly entered his bedroom.
“Hi, you hungry? We’re ordering postmates” he asked
“Pancakes” I replied. He sat down on the bed and peddled with his phone for a bit.
“Im sorry” I looked at him. He was wearing his red pants and a gray hoodie.
“You’ve e apologized ten times already and I told you that you dont have to”
“I did? Sorry” I laughed “Was I stupid?”
“Hm” he lay down “You talked some gibberish in the car. About someone stealing your face” he looked at me and I looked at him confused.
“Fuck” Im such a mess. Hallucinating is pretty normal, but rarely happens to me.
“Who were you with?” E asked and I knew why.
“Emma, Rob, Ivy, Harry” I avoided the conformation.
“Lucas” he continued. I stayed silent so he rolled his eyes. “That guy is big trouble. Why do you have a thing for damaged goods?”
“Because Im damaged goods”
“Youre not” E sat down. He knew me but he didnt know my inner thoughts and struggles. He didn’t understand how all I want is forget the world for a few hours and have fun. Empty brain and a happy soul even if caused by chemicals in my body.
I got up slowly and went into the bathroom to look at my state. My pupils were still huge and I had black all around my eyes. I decided to shower again.
I had countless conversations with him about this subject. Ethan is the perfect boy. Hes smart, funny, handsome and good at everything he does. Im a fuck up. My family is fucked up, all my friendships and relationships were fucked up. Im depressed and anxious but somehow still manage to be good at college and everything I do while everything around me is falling apart. Or at least thats how it seems to me. I feel like I deserve this occasional indulgences to blow off some steam.
When I got out Ethan was still there.
“E we talked about this already. You cant do anything about it” I took a shirt from his closet and a pair of leggings I left one day for this kind of occasion.
“I know. But I feel terrible. It hurts me to see you like that”
That was the last thing I ever wanted to hear. I wish he could just leave it be. I love being able to count on him on nights like this because I need safety and love but I know it hurts him. I almost wanted to cry. I stood in the middle of the room just looking at him not knowing what to say so I just shrugged my shoulders.
“Dont cry. Its fine. Lets go, Gray and I were playing switch” he got up and pushed me in front of him.
I knew it wasnt fine and it wasnt fair of me to keep calling him so I promised myself this was the last time.
Gray was on the sofa scrolling through his phone.
“Hey party girl” he glanced at me and back to his phone.
“Hola” I took the sparkly water out of the fridge.
“Odyssey?”
“Smash bros”
“Meh, fine.” he threw me the controller and started the game. He was excellent at acting like he didnt know I was trashed the night before.
Soon after our food arrived and we were eating, watching netflix almost like a family. I loved these guys. I dont want to keep disappointing them.
It is only a second part and Im setting some foundations for the fic therefore there’s not much of Ethan here but more of my (Bellas) struggles and relationship with Lucas. Somewhere in the middle of this I realised it was half biographical. I always had the strong urge to write about my own life and experiences as I never talk about them (as Bella) irl. I promise the next part will be all about E. :)
Also, if you do read this, please give me some critiques. I know it’s not nearly perfect and I would love to get some feedback. I just recently made this tumblr after being a fan of Gray and E for a good while now and I’m so happy I did. All the people I see here seem so genuinely interesting, funny, creative and nice. Thank you ! xx
Exactly one week has passed since I last saw Ethan. He sent me some messages but I didn't reply, I knew he was busy making a video and that he is going home tomorrow to visit his family for Thanksgiving. My family group chat was going crazy though. My sister who is living in Europe couldn’t book a flight and I wasn't replying to any messages. I just couldn't find the strength to do so, so I figured I'll just show up tomorrow morning, get through the weekend and come back.
I spent the rest of the day studying and scrolling through every possible social network then went to sleep ignoring every text I got.
I'm there in an hour. Xx I texted the group chat as I sat down in my car and turned the engine on. I skimmed through other messages. Ethan was complaining about something Grayson did and Ivy had boy issues. Did I want to see a text from Lucas? Sure, but I never expected one. It's Thanksgiving and everyone is with their families.
I met Lucas two years ago at a film festival in Los Angeles. I was there because I love cinema and Ethan managed to get me some tickets and Lucas was studying film at university near by. At that time I was probably at worst with my depression and anxiety as I just started taking classes at my university. He asked Ivy and me if we wanted to go to the after party and we didn't think twice about it. I never thought I would be someone who does drugs, I was always strongly against it. But he made it seem so normal. He was handsome, to me. He was skinny and every shirt was too big for him. Later I realised those shirts were fine before, but he lost weight. Still, there was something about him. He was mysterious, he loved photography and he talked about movies non stop. He acted cool but I could tell how passionate he is about things he loves. Both of us had something dark in us but neither one of us wanted to talk about it and we understood that about each other. From the moment we met and our friends started hanging out each other everybody already thought we were together. We would tease each other all the time while dancing and hanging around but since we were both kind of distant when sober we were scared to do anything about it. All until one night he kissed me. He kissed me like it was something we do all the time, but it wasn't. He didn't acknowledge it the next day and I remember freaking out about it with Ivy. Next time I saw him it took me every singe atom of bravery in my body to ask him about it. I remember it like it was yesterday. I called him and we separated from our friend group, we walked along the beach in Venice on a chilly summer night.
“Do you remember that we kissed?” I asked him in the middle of his sentence. He froze for a bit and then he made the grimace I couldn't decipher.
“No” he said quietly “When?” he was looking at me and I could tell that he felt horrible. I tried to look as if I don't care and I was ready to brush it off.
“At the club, last weekend. It’s fine, I just wanted to clear that up. I wasn’t sure if you didn't want to acknowledge it or just don’t remember” I turned around to get back to where our friends were.
“Stop” he took my hand and I felt relief “Im really sorry. You know how I am, I go overboard sometimes and I do things...” he stopped talking. Do things he usually wouldn't? If so, I didnt want to hear about it. I pulled my hand from him.
“...do things I would usually be scared of doing” he said almost painfully. Knowing him today, I know how hard that must have been for him. After that things started heating up between us two. We were never together, we knew that would never work out as we couldn’t communicate normally when sober. But we silently cared about each other, even though we never said it out loud.
At that festival after party we were dancing when he handed me half of the pill and kissed my cheek. I looked at it for a while then looked at him. He was dancing and smiling, seemed so carefree. If someone told me a month ago I would be holding that in my hand I wouldn’t believe them. Even then it looked so wrong in my hand. And then I took it and it was the best night of my life.
We kept on partying like that every other weekend. We didn’t know much about each other but we also knew everything. We would take something then hook up and sleep for what seemed like hours, or minutes. Sometimes I was so out of it I didnt know if I was dreaming or not. We shared those times together, he was the only one I wasn’t ashamed to be around like this. He understood.
My dad opened the door for me and we hugged.
“Hello beautiful”
“Hi dad” he smelled like mom's cooking. I did miss them. “Smells nice in here”
“I feel like there's enough for the whole neighborhood”
I got in and the table was already set up. My mom hugged me and instantly started talking about my sister. How sad she is that she isn't here. I said something back quickly and sat down.
My parents were an unusual kind. They always had my back and supported me through everything as far as school and university go. But I was always the one who had to be home by midnight or not go out at all. I had to lie that I was having a sleepover so that I could go out and have fun with my friends. My mom still believes I never tried alcohol in my whole life and Im twenty. We were also never the kind of family that talked a lot about feelings and things going on outside of school. I could never talk about boyfriends with my mom or fights I had with my friends. This caused bottling a lot of emotions through my whole life. Ethan had to beg me to talk with him to find out why I was miserable at times. He was the one person I would actually tell what was going on. I never got along with my sister either, we were just two very different people and I always thought: If I met her randomly I would never want to be her friend. Seems harsh, but she was selfish and stubborn, always only looking out for herself and not giving a fuck if she was hurting someone else in the process.
Lunch was actually amazing, my mom made my favorite meals. They crashed on the sofa soon after and started watching some terrible movie and I went to check in my old room.
I must have fallen asleep while watching youtube because it was dark when I opened my eyes. I came down to the living room and heard mom and dad talking in the backyard. I took my moms phone to check the time.
I miss you. It said. William.
My head felt blank for a second. I quickly turned the phone back off.
William was my moms ex boss. I sat down and my head started spinning around. I combined the pluses and minuses, filled in the blanks. Things started making sense. My mom became very sensitive to anyone touching her phone a while back. Before, she never cared about it. I gathered strength and opened the message. It was the only one in the conversation, everything else was wiped clean. I quickly marked it as unread and put the phone back. Fuck.Is my mom cheating on my dad? My head started spinning even more. Poor dad. Should I tell anyone? I can’t tell anyone we can’t even say I miss you to each other let alone Are you having an affair? My poor dad loves mom with all his heart, he does everything for her and she was never truly in love with him. My sister and I realised since we were teenagers that mom acts cold with dad. She doesn’t like it when dad shows her any kind of affection.
“There you are!” mom barged in and I almost jumped in my seat. “You okay? Mike and I were just talking about going for a walk, you’re coming too”
“Ugh, I just woke up” I wasn’t sure I’m mentally ready for that walk.
“Exactly, you need to stretch”
The whole walk I was thinking about my mom. The time when I thought my mom was always in the right was long gone, but this was on a whole new level. How can I take her seriously ever again? She lost all the credibility. How can she pretend to be happy with my dad? If I told him about this it would ruin him. If I told her...Nothing seems like the right option. I don’t want my family to fall apart. We are a bit dysfunctional, but this seems like a scene from a movie and I cant take it. I had to get out of there.
When we got home mom brought us pie and turned on the TV.
“Guys, I’m sorry but I need to get back today. I have a seminar to write” I was nitpicking the pie on my plate.
“Write it here?” dad proposed and it seemd like a reasonable idea “You can take my laptop”
“Yeah but I don’t have my books. Sorry. I might come by next weekend if Emma books that ticket” I smiled at them. It was so natural for me to act like this around them. I was hiding things from them my whole life.
My mom argued with me for a while but she soon realised my mind was set. When the movie finished I took some clothes from my old closet and said goodbye to them. I felt so sorry for my dad, I hugged him tightly and he even said I love you to my ear. I haven’t heard that sentence in months.
I dialed Lucas’s number while driving down the highway.
“Hey danger” he answered almost immediately.
“Hey. Happy Thanksgiving. What are you up to?” I tried to seem chill but my voice was almost cracking.
“Uh, not much. Classic Thanksgiving laying around”
“You up for a sesh?” I was always afraid of him declining me which is why I was rarely the the one to ask him stuff like this.
“What, now? What’s wrong?” he asked that in the most monotone voice but I knew it meant a lot coming from him.
“Lucas.” I sighed and my voice broke down at the end of his name. He was silent for a moment.
“Pick me up. Im sending you the location”
I felt relieved. We haven’t hung out alone in a while and I missed it. I needed an hour to get to him, he was at his parents place. The house was actually very pretty. I know his parents are divorced and his mom remarried, he doesn’t talk about them much but I get the feeling she is worried about him and he doesn’t like that. And now I’m dragging him out on a Thanksgiving weekend. Suddenly I felt even more terrible.
Lucas sat in the car and I was just looking through the windshield.
“Bro, what happened?” he took the aux cord and connected his phone.
“I just realised I dragged you out and you were with your family and it’s Thanksgiving.”
“Yes. Because I love spending quality time with my perfect family. Come on, there’s not a lot of dealers working on Thanksgiving you know that?” Soundtrack 2 my life started playing through the speakers. He loved that song and it made me depressed. After that, he never once asked what had happened, he knew better and I appreciated it.
“Dealers? I have everything in my flat”
“Not this” he smiled devilishly to me and typed in the address in his phone.
“So in one hour you managed to find the guy? Seems to me like you were just waiting for my call. What are we taking?” I was driving down his neighborhood. We were the only people on the street.
“Been waiting on this for a while. You’ll see”
The address wasn’t that far away. I parked and he left, came back two minutes later.
“Church?”
Church was the most trashy techno club in the area, it was a dump but it was always open and the atmosphere was always great.
We parked near the club and started drinking rum that he brought from his place. I was doing my makeup with the help from his flashlight and my front camera. I took the cropped top from the back of the car and put it on. I felt wrong to be happy at this moment but I was. I was with him and I knew we were going to have fun.
“You gonna tell me what it is now? You know I’m not doing heroin or anything like that”
“Jesus. Of course not” he pulled the baggy out of his pocket. “Ketamine”
I had zero clue what that is. Everything I knew about drugs came from Lucas.
“You’ll see later.” he says and I can’t believe I have so much trust in him to just get on with it but at this moment I don’t care. He takes out a pill from his pocket and breaks it in half.
“You have a whole pharmacy out there” I say and swallow the pill.
“Shut up” he laughs. We are both pretty tipsy by now as we start walking to the club. I pay for the entrance and we’re finally there. This is where I felt at home. How weird is that? The lasers, lights, annoyingly loud house music. The music I could never listen to sober, it drives me insane.
I opened my eyes to see Lucas sleeping next to me, sun was shining through closed curtains. I fell asleep again and I dreamt about last night. Dancing, kissing Lucas and him kissing me. I dreamt that I woke up and walked around the apartment. I showered. Was that a dream? I was asleep again. It was nighttime. Lucas and I were rolling around the bed desperate for each other, desperate to feel something, anything.
It was night when I finally definitely woke up. I checked the time on my bedside table. It was 3am on Sunday. Lucas was sitting on the window next to the bed smoking.
“Hi” I wanted to say but all I said was a weak I
“Morning” he turned his head to face me “Magnesium next to your bed. Drink it”
I took the glass from the bed table and wasted a good three minutes to take two sips. Lucas was looking at me the whole time with a massive grin on his face.
“I need to shower”
“You showered three hours ago” he said and I looked at him confused.
“So I wasn’t dreaming?”
He shook his head.
“Did we have sex? Like, in those three hours?” I asked not looking at him.
“What? No. Did you dream about that?” He threw the cigarette in the ashtray and went under the covers. I just looked at him and he smiled again.
“When did we get home?”
“Around 7AM. We slept through the whole Saturday. As far as I remember” he removed all of my hair from my face and made a bun out of it.
“I don’t even want to know what I look like”
“Do you remember the night out?” he prompted himself on the elbow to face me.
“I don’t know. We were dancing?”
“You..” he stopped and lied back down “I didn’t want to give you any more, of anything, because you had too much” coming from Lucas this meant something because I’m usually the one to stop him from going too far “So you just disappeared and..”
“What?” I hated not remembering anything.
“I dont know. You took something and you came back after ten minutes totally out of it. We stayed for and hour after that because you didn’t want to leave. After that I got us in an uber and we came here.”
I didn’t say anything.
“Look, something obviously happened during the weekend, I won't ask but you should know better than take something from strangers. You scared me” he glanced at me. I remembered the moment. I was acting like a brat. It must’ve looked ridiculous. I left him and found some girls snorting something in the bathroom. We talked for a while, I think one of them was coming on to me. I said that I was here with a friend but he didn’t want to give me anything so they offered. I had no idea what it was. What was I thinking?
“Im stupid” I told him about what happened “Im sorry. I found out that my mom is having an affair. But, I also suspected that for a while now. My mind was spiraling and I guess I overdid it”
We were quiet for a few moments.
“I’m sorry” he turned to face me and we stared at each other for a while.
“Is it bad that I love the high so much that I’m not at all regretting any of this? It’s the only time I feel happy”
“I don’t know” he answered “If you think I’ll reason you, you asked the wrong guy. I’m in the same spot” we both smiled, but his eyes were filled with sadness. I wonder if mine were too? We would only talk like this high. Our sober conversations didn’t exist, they were empty and meaningless. We hid behind walls that would come down every once in a while, and I cherished those moments. I kissed him softly and fell asleep in his arms soon after
I woke up at noon, Lucas was still sleeping and Im pretty sure he was missing a class, as I was. I wondered if he stayed because he wanted to or because he was taking care of me. I rarely got to see the sensitive side of him that I longed for. I would try and push his buttons sometimes asking him ridiculously touchy-feely questions and he would just laugh it off and tell me to shut up. But I saw in his eyes that he wanted to tell me things but didnt know how to. I knew for a fact that he didn’t have the best relationship with his parents ether, they didn’t speak about things and even if they wanted to I can’t imagine Lucas opening up to anyone, especially his parents.
I remembered almost all of last night. Lucas wasn’t having fun, he was mostly looking after me. I was usually the one giving him water, asking him if he was fine because he would look like a zombie. Sometimes I would only go out because I was scared that no one would be taking care of him. When we started hanging out we were both fairly knew to all of this but I could see how fascinated he was with all of it. I was too. My world went from black and white to technicolor. My, usually, messed up head that was overthinking everything and anything felt blank. It was just living in the moment, swaying on the dancefloor with the people you love.
But seeing him at his worst was painful to watch. It wasn't fun anymore, it made me see the dark side of things. When the high wears off you feel ten times more depressed and ten times more eager to go to the next party, and then the next one. Until your life just becomes waiting. Waiting to get high and drunk and feel things.
Realizing that made me never want to do drugs again, but that would last a couple of days. What scared me was that I knew that even after last night, when Lucas saw me at my probably lowest, he would never think about leaving it. It was captivating, appealing to him. It didn't scare him at all.
I was taking a shower when he knocked at my door.
"Bell, you have a visitor. I’m going out okay?" I soon heard a door swing shut. A visitor? I had come up with at least ten people who would come here after me not looking at my phone for three days straight and I was scared to see every single one of them. God, I hope it wasn’t Ethan meeting Lucas.
I dressed and got out of the bathroom to see Emily standing behind my kitchen counter. She wouldn't even be on the list of fifty people to come here. What was Ethans girlfriend doing in my apartment? And why didnt I clean up a bit?
