Dear Charlie,
I am tired of being ashamed. I am so so so so so so tired.
I am ashamed of my sexuality. There- I said it. I am ashamed of being gay. or a lesbian, i guess. im a girl. im not a girl. i dont want to be a girl. and what’s worse is that i don’t want to feel ashamed! i want to feel proud! but here i am, trying to convince myself that i’d feel something if i saw harry styles righttt in front of me doing that weird hip-thrust thing he does. i already know i won’t. and yet i hope. i write hashtags #yesdaddy under pictures of timothee chalamet and yet i dont mean it. how wrong is that???? im sorry, chalamet. you shouldn’t be sexualised.
another thing- why the fuck am i always so angry? could it be because of my internalised homophobia? i hate myself so much that i have to hate everyone else too?? how freaking stupid is that??? sometimes i just want to break myself. i want to carve into my skin but also not self harm because i study bio and i know how dangerous it is to cut your arm so instead i just stare at my arm imagining a needle tracing the letters G-A-Y into it. haha. N-O-N B-I-N-A-R-Y. P-A-T-H-E-T-I-Q-U-E
Fuck.
How can i be ashamed? How can i be this angry.
You know what makes me feel at peace? the sea. yeah, that helps a lot. i love the blue.
Sometimes i go from angry to sad to happy really quick. and then i feel so drained afterwards.
sometimes I have to count to ten on my fingers to prove to myself that i am real.
i wish my parents could see this.
I have so much to live for. I don’t want to die but I don’t fear it.
10 years from now i’ll hopefully have a dr. at the side of my name and people will call me chris and ill laugh and smile.
chris.
chris chris chris chris
I love the sun. I love yellow. Do you know that? I love colours. I love life and I hate being queer. Brilliant.
God, the ability to love is a precious thing. But it’s only precious if you love correctly. And i fear that I love wrongly.
This was really long. I am sorry.
Yours,
The J.o.E.
