#jack handey

[oldshowbiz]

[king-in-yellow]

I sometimes wonder what the modern internet would make of Deep Thoughts By Jack Handey. classic shitposting energy

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have their shoes.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a man behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

If a skeleton’s not scary, what’s the point of even having one?

Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.

Daily Deep Thought

Daily Deep Thought

[oldinterneticons]

[vintage-tech]

Do you remember Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A Car?

The Saturday Night Live sketches from 1989-1990 with a cat who would repeatedly drive cars off of cliffs.

The sketches were written by Jack Handey, and Toonces was the name of his cat. (Who didn't ever attempt to drive, he admits.) I just got his latest Deep Thoughts book today, and he kindly enclosed a watercolor of himself with the real Toonces.

He told me in email:

The real Toonces was a black-and-white cat, like Sylvester. The TV Toonces was a striped, gray-and-white tabby.

In further tribute, Handey's production company is known as Toonces Productions.

His order site offered to add an inscription so I chose one that's a reference to one of the truly Lost [never reprinted in a book] Deep Thoughts, from the April 1984 issue of National Lampoon, which went something like this (because I can't find an online version to share, and my copy of the magazine is in storage):

The king stepped out onto the balcony overlooking his assembled subjects, and asked, "Who will teach me humility?" "Fuck you!" shouted someone from below. "Okay then," he said, "now who will teach me algebra?"

[coldemergency]

Tom: Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down

Harry: That's very good

Tom: I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but do you know what I've left on the porch?

Harry: Oh no-

Tom: A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "you". After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done

Harry: wtf

[skrytch]

Mr. Handey being way too accurate...

[thepersonalwords]

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car.

Jack Handey

[mctreeleth]

Jack Handey quotes read like perfect tumblr shitposts but I never ever see them here. One time back in 2002 we found a website with hundreds of them and cried ourselves sick at lunchtime doing dramatic readings of them from a printout in the school library. I still think about the special pencil that writes on snow every goddamn day.