I recently came into possession of a pair of New Balance sneakers. They’re bright red, with white N’s and a splash of blue on the back. They are, by most accounts, cool. They have everything that I look for in a pair of shoes, and a cute girl even complimented me on them once. Yet, every time I put them on, I have the same worrying thought: does wearing New Balances make me a dweeb? In this article, I will seek to definitively answer that question so that I can stop worrying and enjoy my dumb life.
I’ve had a troubled past with New Balance. It’s like my pimply, annoying stepson that I neglected for years but am now learning to accept (even though I’m still creeped out by his obsession with old-timey dolls). New Balance entered my life abruptly in middle school. One day, all of a sudden, every schlub on the playground had a pair, and I was left as the one asshole still wearing Nikes. My initial embarrassment about not having New Balances quickly turned into condescension, when I realized that my classmates looked like grade-A bozos. See, this was back when the only New Balances around were the plain grey ones, which I thought looked like corrective shoes for elderly men. I stuck with my Nikes.
Jump-cut to USC: palms trees, sunshine, hot babes, beach volleyball…sorry, what were we talking about? JK. My college experience was going great until it was thrown out of whack when a certain sneaker brand reentered my life. One of my friends bought a pair of New Balances and started talking about how the brand was suddenly cool again. Since I’m a mindless chump who does whatever his friends are doing, I soon decided to acquire a pair of my own. At the time, I did not realize how radical this decision truly was. Looking back, it was perhaps the most reckless choice I’ve ever made.
I can say without hesitation that this pair of New Balances has upended my fragile world. I have always placed outsized importance on my footwear, and I genuinely can’t tell if I look lame in my New Balances. Maybe I look like a trendy, laid-back dude (doubtful). Maybe I’m the laughingstock of this entire university (probably). I’m in an awful state of footwear purgatory right now, and I’m desperate to get out. Much like the protagonist in Sartre’s No Exit (uh, yeah, I’ve read No Exit), I am trapped in a hell of my own design.
The time has come to get into the meat of this issue: am I a dweeb? On the one hand, I haven’t gotten any outright insults about my New Balances. Quite the opposite, actually — that cute girl complimented me on them (not sure if I mentioned that earlier). Hell, I think the shoes look cool, and shouldn’t that count for something? The problem is this: New Balance is definitely not a cool brand. They’re worn almost exclusively by white people (see: Matt Bonner’s deal with New Balance), which is not a good sign at all. They’re dweeby in a general sort of way, like Marco Rubio. In fact, when Marco Rubio isn’t wearing his creepy boots, I bet he’s wearing New Balances.
The reality that seems to be emerging is that New Balances are, by nature, slightly uncool, but can be made cool if worn by the right person. For example, Rihanna recently wore New Balances while sitting courtside at a Lakers game. Sadly, I am no Rihanna. But who among us is?
I seem to have reached my answer. Wearing New Balances doesn’t make me a dweeb: being a dweeb makes me a dweeb. Yet when tomorrow’s sun begins its trip around the sky, and I awaken from my sweet slumber, I will reach not for my Nikes, not for my Pumas, but for my New Balances. And doesn’t that have to mean something?
LIFE ONSCREEN: THE CINEMATIC ARC OF LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Jack Metcalfe
The world is currently abuzz about Leonardo DiCaprio’s chances of winning the Oscar for Best Actor. Seemingly every day I see a fuckin’ sick new meme featuring DiCaprio or a really well-written article about his love life. The American people are practically begging the Academy to give DiCaprio a golden statue, and the tension is slowly building for the evening of February 28th, when the 88th Academy Awards will take place. So, now seems like a fitting moment to look back at DiCaprio’s career and celebrate this unique talent.
The Beginning: Up (2009)
As we all know, DiCaprio got his start in a little movie called Up. The then-14-year old actor portrayed the helium balloons that carried Carl’s house into the sky, and he displayed such charisma and (I’m not afraid to say it) downright sexiness in this role that he immediately became one of the hottest names in Hollywood. As Martin Scorsese famously exclaimed after seeing the movie, “Balloons! Heck yeah, dude!” Uh, you can say that again, Marty! DiCaprio took home the Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor that year. You can check out his emotional acceptance speech in the video below.
The Rise to Stardom: Moonrise Kingdom (2012)
This collaboration between Leo and acclaimed director Wes Anderson was simply a masterpiece. DiCaprio showed off his remarkable emotional range in this role: he played Marco “Mick” Rubio, a young member of the Italian mafia who attempts to blow up Camp Ivanhoe so that it can be turned into a Buca di Beppo, only to realize that Camp Ivanhoe was the only place where he ever truly belonged. I highly recommend you watch this tell-all interview that he did about the making of Moonrise:
The Victory Lap: Minions (2015)
Fuck, man. What can I even say about this movie that you haven’t heard already? It was a goddamned box office smash, and it made all the haters and doubters out there look like assholes. Seriously, if you ever talked shit about Minions, please stop reading this article right now. And if you haven’t seen Minions yet, drop whatever you’re doing right now and go watch it, you dumb motherfucker.
Phew, OK. Minions is arguably — okay, definitely — the defining movie of DiCaprio’s career, and it has changed everything for him. As he has said to anyone who’ll listen, “I still can’t believe that I got to be a Minion. Whenever I have sex, I put on a big Minion costume and cut out a hole in it for my penis. Girls love it.” Boy oh boy, I would love that too! Check out these outtakes from the set of Minions:
The Maturation: The Revenant (2015)
Believe it or not, DiCaprio is 63 now. He has changed a lot since his debut back in 2009, but he still has that boyish charm that we all fell in love with. In his newest movie, The Revenant, DiCaprio reprises his signature role as a set of helium balloons. The Revenant is a sort of spiritual sequel to Up, made to reflect DiCaprio’s emotional and intellectual growth. Fitting that this will likely be the movie that finally earns him his Academy Award. Trust me, The Revenant is a movie you don’t want to miss. After seeing it for the first time, I was so overcome with emotion that I found myself quietly muttering the famous words that Scorsese said all those years ago: “Balloons. Heck yeah, dude.”
