#jacquemander

[alda-rana]

@jacquemander :

  ‘Something someone said to me recently: “when I think ‘why would anybody need to hear me speak on this’, I think ‘what would I be like if the artists that influenced me felt like that’?” If you make mistakes, you’ll own them and grow from them. Keeping this work, this important part of you hidden away for fear it’s not enough (in whatever dimension- good enough, sensitive enough, etc) is a slow death.’

Thank you, that’s really helpful! <3

[missvoltairine-blog]

I grew up with an emotionally abusive father, and the walking on eggshells because you never know what will trigger a raging outburst is so real. And the fear of "getting in trouble" has taken me years to unravel and I'm still terrified of it. Tumblr absolutely has that effect- extreme responses to non-extreme situations, yelling, abusive language towards people who disagree with you, making you feel guilty over trying to create a safe space for yourself (cont)

(Cont) I had to leave reddit for similar reasons- every time I logged on I ended up feeling physically ill, and lately it's been the same thing here. I just immediately unfollow anyone who makes me feel shitty, and block people who are being aggressively awful, and try my best to create a calm, quiet space that still has feminist discourse. It's hard and it sucks. I'm anti-tone-policing, but for my own wellbeing I can't engage with vocally aggressive people like that.

I hope it’s okay to post this? Because yeah, I really get this! “extreme responses to non-extreme situations” is a good way of putting it I think. And I totally agree that it can be hard to walk a line between like, creating a space for yourself that is safe and creating a space that still has critical feminist etc discourse. I don’t think it’s about tone policing, like, personally I am fine with people expressing anger and I’m fine with people reacting vehemently to being hurt or oppressed in some way, I’m fine with marginalized people expressing anger at groups with privilege relative to their marginalization(s), none of that is in question, it’s like... for me it comes down to how people are interacting one on one. I feel like tumblr has a lot of cliqueishness that makes me uncomfortable as someone who always found myself on the outs when it came to cliques, is a big part of it. 

idk I talked about it with one friend who I’d been worried I had hurt somehow with this and I said at one point, “I feel like I don’t know what to say to anyone” and I think it’s that feeling that’s been triggering me. It is really hard to talk shit out on tumblr, I think that there are a lot of situations where in person an interaction would be relatively reasonable and people would be more likely to talk it out that on tumblr get escalated very quickly which I find very hard to navigate as someone who already struggles with a sense of morality that’s so black and white it’s unhealthy sometimes - “scrupulosity” is how one person I follow puts it? Which is an OCD thing for sure, and then there’s my hypervigilance, which is definitely a remnant of like, being abused. When they’re combined they’re like this big monster reaction, and the format and general atmosphere of tumblr that makes it hard to have actual conversations just aggravates it. 

Anyway that’s why I wanted to make it clear that mutuals can totally always approach me to skype/chat one on one - hell, even non-mutuals, like, I’m sure all the people who are following me with the exception of anti-sj types who are hatefollowing me because they have literally nothing better to do with their lives are lovely and if they want to talk to me about stuff ever they’re welcome to ask for my skype info too! Like just talking to people I care about one on one today helped me feel a lot better, because it was like, okay, like, we may not like all the same people but we still respect and care about each other and can interact compassionately. 

idk where I’m going with this. I’m SUPER wary of like “oh let’s all just be nice to each other” type rhetoric, like that isn’t where I wanna go with this because whatever, that’s bullshit, mandatory fake niceness is bullshit, BUT compassion and nuance aren’t bullshit and those are two things I try to prioritize in my friendships with people because otherwise I would have like, no friends, you know? Like I’m not saying “never call people out because I have anxiety” or “don’t get mad because I have anxiety” because both of those things have their place and are fine and have nothing to do with my anxiety. I’m just saying, idk. I feel best when I feel like I can talk shit out with people and I don’t always feel like that on tumblr and it leads to me feeling very very anxious and policing myself and my expression constantly in ways that are probably unhealthy for me. 

[lyctorgideon]

Re: -phobia. Good luck trying to find another word that even people outside the community will understand (sizeism? like, for tall basketball players? Not specific enough to fatness). Anti-fat is an option, but that makes it seem like fat is the problem (and you know there are people who will proudly claim that title because being anti-fat is a societal norm). If someone comes up with a better word, I'd use it- but as someone who has several phobias, I have no problem with -phobia words.

yeah that’s another huge factor

thank you for the input!!

[punkshep]

jacquemander replied to your post:

ah damn! it’s been a minute since I’ve used it, I’m sorry it’s not what you’re looking for.

it's alright!! thanks for the suggestion, i'm actually a lot more likely to try using it again since you had a good experience w it so!!

[jeebuslouise]

Hey- that personality test you just reblogged is a virus, just so you know!

Ugh, well, that would make sense, considering I didn't actually reblog it........... bleh. Thank you!

[imsarahcate]

jacquemander replied to your post: “uhh not for general consumption stuff under the cut.  Nothing bad,...”:

That pipe is SO COOL!! I am mad jealous- you must feel like a sea goddess every time you use it!!

Thanks! It was more than I wanted to spend, but it really lept out at me and I couldn't NOT get it. It's gorgeous. And because of the curve even though my hands were kind of bad tonight- I was still able to grip it well enough to smoke without having to worry that I was going to drop it.

I'm glad I went for it.

[lyctorgideon]

If you're still doing those tarot readings, I have a question: would it be a good idea to pursue a romantic attachment while living for a year in a foreign country? (I mean, it's a whole year, but also it's only a year, you dig?)

Strengths: The Devil

This card mainly speaks to temptations and control; resisting temptation, yes, but also knowing that doing something you want to do isn’t always ‘giving in’ to temptation. Know what you desire, because denying the existence of your desires only gives them strength and power to control you. You don’t have to do everything you want, it says, but you should at least know what that is.

Weaknesses: Knight of Pentacles

This card refers to gradual, plodding changes. While the Knights are generally involved with swift movement and quick changes, this one moves sluggishly, perhaps because he already has something in mind. While you may very well end up with a romantic attachment at the end of the year, this card warns that it will not begin near your arrival, but rather closer to the end, when a goodbye could be more painful.

Advice: 6 of Cups, reversed

Upright, this card is about finding joy in your past. Reversed, it refers more to unhappiness in your past, whether this is a troubled childhood or an old ex or simply painful memories cropping up. This can be taken as a warning that pursuing a romantic attachment will create problems once the year is up, as you could easily find yourself stuck in the “past” — that is, this coming year —and wishing you could relive those moments.

[everyone else: if you submit a question here, i’ll do a tarot reading for you (specify if you want me to answer privately)]