there had been a void inside her ever since she had woken up in the hospital - she had felt nothing but guilt and a killing numbness as she had heard the news and there hadn’t been a single thought inside her head other than ‘that should’ve been me’. he hadn’t d e s e r v e d to die, she supposed she hadn’t either but if she had to pick between her and him there wasn’t a doubt in her mind that he should’ve been the one who got to live. she DESPISED that she was the one who had to live with the guilt, that she was the one who was being b l a m e d - it hadn’t been either of their fault, but then why was she still feeling like she had to point the finger to herself ? perhaps if she hadn’t been so clouded by the idea of him loving her none of this would’ve happened, perhaps she would’ve gone to her sister after they had first slept together, or she wouldn’t have a l l o w e d it to happen again - anything to make his pain go away. the words that jamie spat out broke here, she could feel her glass heart shattering in a million pieces. she understood, had she been in his position she probably would’ve felt the same - but the truth was that she didn’t d e s e r v e this. a tear rolled down her PORCELAIN cheek, and it was almost as if she could feel a c r a c k appear right where it had landed, leaving a trail of rips behind before it dropped on the floor. there was a lump in her throat that she just didn’t seem to be able to swallow down. it was almost like the words physically hit her and she felt herself being pushed back, taking a step back - d i s t a n c i n g herself with jamie. ‘ yeah. so do i. ’
