Nov 20, 2019
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Pink Gin and Jane McDonald 💕
Gary Barlow& Rock Oyster Media Instagram: Wine Tour South Africa with Jane McDonald 📸
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10 THINGS YOU REALISE ABOUT LONDON WHEN YOU HAVEN’T LIVED THERE FOR A WHILE
Disclaimer: I probably could have edited this down a bit but I was making myself laugh and as I haven’t done this in a while I decided to be more than a trifle self indulgent.
Samuel Johnson famously said ‘When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life’. Well Samuel babes, how about this: If there is one thing that will make you tired of life it is living in London for longer than about 6 months. The capital can often behave like THAT ex-boyfriend. At first he’s all sweetness and light and downright sexy to boot. He’s always up to something fun but also has a level head on his shoulders. In one word: Perfect. But slowly you start to notice things. That was a bit bitchy. Wow, he can be a bit rude sometimes. Why is he being so mean to me? OH MY GOD HE’S HACKED INTO MY BANK ACCOUNT AND STOLEN ALL OF MY MONEY.
That is why, when I was offered the chance to leave the ‘big smoke’. . .
Quick side bar. People in Scotland cannot say the word London. They have to ask you how you are getting on in the ‘big smoke’ because. . . there is no smoke in Scotland. And when there is it is almost always a small smoke and never larger than a medium smoke.
When I was offered the chance to leave London around this time last year I jumped at it.
I mean escaping the city itself wasn’t the only reason. The offer came in the form of a job working as a singer on a cruise ship and as a life long Loose Women (I’m talking the Carol McGiffin/Sherrie Hewson/Denise Welch/Kaye Adams era not the current Stacey Solomon/Jamelia - ‘you don’t even look old enough to have a son never mind to send him to a bloody prostitute for his 16th Birthday’ era) and in particular JANE MCDONALD fan this was pretty much as close to a dream job as it was going to get for me. I mean I reckon I only need to go back and do another two contracts maximum before I’M on a TV panel with three women talking about how I sent MY son to a prostitute for his 16th Birthday. . .
But despite all that escaping London for 8 months was a massive part of the attraction. And so I packed my bags and off I went round the world. And now I’m back I’ve fallen head over heels for the crazy bitch all over again. Kind of. Here’s why. And why not.
1. It is so diverse.
The finale of RuPaul’s drag race has nothing on London. Take that room and add a thousand other people of different religions, races, sexualities, styles and backgrounds and you have this fair city.
Now I’m not claiming that they all get on all of the time or that they are all accepted everywhere you go. But no matter who you are there will be a pocket of London that is yours to be whoever you want to be and that’s pretty special.
2. Everyone is attractive.
Either London is filled with ridiculously attractive men or every attractive man in London was at ‘The Book of Mormon’ when I went two weeks ago. And don’t even get me started on what happens when the sun comes out. Ethereally beautiful men and women appear from the air as if by magic and walk around parks in minimal clothing. It’s bloody brilliant.
3. It is so expensive.
It is far too easy to spend £100 a day in London. That’s fine though because there are a maximum of 31 days in the month so all you need to do is make sure you are taking home just over £3000 a month after tax. Which everybody is in London, right?
If that isn’t bad enough, once a month at least £500 evaporates from your bank account. And if you are paying £500 a month in rent in London you are generally consider to have found a ‘steal’. It’s fine though because that money is all going towards paying off a mortgage. It’s just a shame it isn’t your mortgage.
4. The transport system is amazing.
You can pretty much get to anywhere in London from anywhere else in London in just over half an hour and it rarely takes more than two tube journeys.
5. The transport system is awful.
Unless of course it’s a Sunday. Suddenly those two tubes become an Olympic event consisting of three buses, a tram, a swim across the Thames and finally a 20km sprint to your final destination.
And don’t think you are safe if you travel by bus. When the trains stop running everyone gets on your bus and suddenly the 45 minute journey which usually flies by because you sit and read your book turns into three hours from hell because you have to stand for the majority of the journey actively trying not to wipe out everyone standing around you every time the bus turns a corner and when you do finally get a seat you are sandwiched between a lady with a pram and ten bags of shopping and a baby which for some reason you end up having to hold ‘for a minute’.
6. The food is amazing.
There are restaurants to suit every dietary need; even if that dietary need is that you can only eat Cadbury’s Creme Eggs. The diversity of London’s population means there are a million and one eateries all run by someone serving their own delicious and unique variety of food. You could probably work your way round and have a completely different cuisine every day for about two years.
7. But the food is awful.
Because you won’t actually be eating in any of those places regularly. Most of the time your budget will only allow you to frequent legendary establishments like ‘Dallas Fried Chicken’ or ‘McDoner’s Kebab and Fish Bar’. And if you’re really struggling with point number three then you are most likely surviving on a diet solely comprised of Coco Pops and when I say Coco Pops I mean Lidl’s own brand Coco Pops which taste just as good (they do not taste just as good).
8. Nobody gives a shit about you.
This is one of the best and one of the worst things about living in London.
On any given day you could step on to the tube, stark bollock naked and perform intricate choreography to ‘I Feel Love’ by Donna Summer and not a soul would look at you. Londoners do not have time to judge so as long as you don’t ask them to also strip naked and join the choreography they will just leave you to it. In a strange way, it’s liberating.
On the other hand it can also make London a pretty lonely place to be. Stranded on the train platform with half your leg chewed off by a Jaguar that has just escaped from the zoo, no-one would stop and help because if they do they might miss the 15.46 to Guildford and if they miss the 15.46 they will have to get the 16.10 and you never get a seat on the 16.10.
9. Even when it’s shit everyone just pretends that it’s great.
There is an unspoken rule among Londoners. We never share the shit side of London on social media. Nobody wants to know if your rent is overdue, your really cute packed lunch that you made to save money exploded in your bag, you get absolutely no joy from your job or you couldn’t afford the bus so you had to walk home. . . from Central London. . . to Penge. If anybody DOES post anything like this they are taken into a dark room by three of their closest friends, tied to a chair, gagged and told that if it ever happens again their bags will be packed and they will be sent on the first train back to Sheffield or Margate or wherever the hell they come from.
But if Miranda, the temp girl in your office, gets you a free ticket to a secret gig or your really cool friend Gigi takes you to the latest hipster/vegan/gluten-free/soy-fest cafe for brunch or you’ve finally saved up enough money to actually be able to afford a night out with your friends then you must instantly launch into a Facebook check in, name drop tweet, Instagram overload, 20 video long snapchat story extravaganza. That way everyone in your home town will think you’re having the best fucking time ever and not that you’re actually on the verge of a mental breakdown.
10. It’s the best fucking city in the world.
And I feel a lot more qualified to say that now I’ve been to so many others. I’m not even doing number 9 right now. Right now. . .
Love,
Dave x
And the countdown offically begins! :D #concert#party#janemcdonald#happydays#onemonth#nightout#fun#south##essex#southendonsea#southend#cliffspavilion#show