Tall Tales

[davidrobertscotland]

LGBTQQIAAP: A Choose Your Own Adventure Story

I am currently taking part in ‘Like the Prose’, a challenge run by The Literal Challenge where you are provided with a writing brief every day for 30 days and are required to submit a piece of writing within 36 hours of receiving that brief. 

One of the most recent briefs was to write a ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ story - you know like the Goosebump books? 

As a member of the LGBTQ+ community, one of the questions I am most commonly asked is what each letter of the acronym stands for and the definition of each term. With that in mind I decided to fashion a CYOA story that covered as many of the members of the community as possible. 

I’ve already had some lovely feedback and think it could be a good resource so I am posting it here to get feedback from other members of the community. Any tweaks or suggestions for improvements would be greatly appreciated. Also if any of the language used is outdated or incorrect please do let me know. The story follows below: 

1. Would you like to explore your gender or your sexuality? If you would like to explore your gender please go to number two. If you would like to explore your sexuality go to number three.

2. Sorry to get personal so early but to carry on with this gender study we have to know whether you have male or female biological features. If you have male biological features go to number four. If you have female biological features go to number five. If you have both male and female biological features go to number 6.

3. In order to establish your sexuality, first we need to know your gender. If you identify as male go to number 17. If you identify as female go to number 18. If you identify as both genders, a third gender, three genders, many or all genders or you move between genders go to number 19.

4. You have male biological features. But how do you identify? If you identify as male go to number 7. If you identify as female go to number 8. If you identify as both genders, a third gender,  three genders, many or all genders, no gender or you move between genders go to number 9.

5. You have female biological features. But how do you identify? If you identify as female go to number 12. If you identify as male go to number 13. If you identify as both genders, a third gender,  three genders, many or all genders, no gender or you move between genders go to number 14.

6. Because you have both male and female biological features, you are Intersex. As a member of the LGBTQQIAAP community, you may also choose to identify as Queer.

7. You have male biological features and identify as male. If you were born with male biological features go to number 10. If you created your male biological features with the assistance of hormones and/or surgery please go to number 11.

8. Because you have male biological features and identify as female, you are a Transgender Woman. If you desire to permanently transition to the female gender you may also choose to identify as a Transexual Woman. As a member of the LGBTQQIAAP community you may also choose to identify as Queer.

9. Because you have male biological features but identify as either both genders (bigender), a third gender (third gender), three genders (trigender), many or all genders (pangender), no gender (agender) or you move between genders (genderfluid), you are Non-binary or Genderqueer. As a member of the LGBTQQIAAP community you may also choose to identify as Queer.

10. Because you were born with male biological features and identify as male, you are a Cisgender Man.

11. Because you have male biological features which you created with the assistance of hormones and/or surgery and you identify as male, you are a Transgender Man. You may also choose to identify as a Transexual Man. As a member of the LGBTQQIAAP community you may also choose to identify as Queer.

12. You have female biological features and identify as female. If you were born with female biological features go to number 15. If you created your female biological features with the assistance of hormones and/or surgery please go to number 16.

13. Because you have female biological features and identify as male, you are a Transgender Man. If you desire to permanently transition to the male gender you may also choose to identify as a Transexual Man. As a member of the LGBTQQIAAP community you may also choose to identify as Queer.

14. Because you have female biological features but identify as either both genders (bigender), a third gender (third gender), three genders (trigender), many or all genders (pangender), no gender (agender) or you move between genders (genderfluid), you are Non-binary or Genderqueer. As a member of the LGBTQQIAAP community you may also choose to identify as Queer.

15. Because you were born with female biological features and identify as female, you are a Cisgender Woman.

16. Because you have female biological features which you created with the assistance of hormones and/or surgery and you identify as female, you are a Transgender Woman. You may also choose to identify as a Transexual Woman. As a member of the LGBTQQIAAP community you may also choose to identify as Queer.

17. You identify as male. If you are attracted to men go to number 20. If you are attracted to women go to number 21. If you are attracted to both men and women go to number 22. If you are attracted to people with gender not a factor being considered go to number 23. If you aren’t sure which gender you are attracted to go to number 24. If you are not sexually attracted to others go to number 25.

18. You identify as female. If you are attracted to women go to number 26. If you are attracted to men go to number 27. If you are attracted to both men and women go to number 22. If you are attracted to people with gender not a factor being considered go to number 23. If you aren’t sure which gender you are attracted to go to number 28. If you are not sexually attracted to others go to number 25.

19. Because you identify as both genders, a third gender, three genders, many or all genders or you move between genders (Non-binary/Genderqueer) you may simply choose to identify your sexuality as Queer. If you are attracted to both men and women you may be happy to identify as Bisexual. If you are attracted to others with gender not a factor being considered you may be happy to identify as Pansexual. If at times you identify as a woman and are attracted to women you may be happy to identify as Lesbian. If at times you identify as a man and are attracted to men you may be happy to identify as Gay. If you aren’t sure which gender you are attracted to you may be happy to identify as Questioning. If you are not sexually attracted to anyone you may be happy to identify as Asexual.

20. Because you identify as male and are attracted to men, you are Gay. As a member of the LGBTQQIAAP community you may also choose to identify as Queer.

21. Because you identify as male and are attracted to women, you are Straight. Sorry about that. Don’t worry, you can still be an Ally by supporting the LGBTQIAAP community.

22. Because you are attracted to both men and women, you are Bisexual. As a member of the LGBTQQIAAP community you may also choose to identify as Queer.

23. Because you are attracted to people with gender not a factor being considered, you are Pansexual. As a member of the LGBTQQIAAP community you may also choose to identify as Queer.

24. Because you identify as male and aren’t sure which gender you are attracted to, you are Questioning. As a member of the LGBTQQIAAP community you may also choose to identify as Queer. You may at a later date choose to identify as Gay, Bisexual, Pansexual or Asexual.

25. Because you are not sexually attracted to others, you are Asexual. You may still fall in love with someone, be in a relationship with someone or be attracted by someone but you have no need to act this out sexually. As a member of the LGBTQQIAAP community you may also choose to identify as Queer.

26. Because you identify as female and are attracted to women, you are Lesbian. As a member of the LGBTQQIAAP community you may also choose to identify as Queer.

27. Because you identify as female and are attracted to men, you are Straight. Sorry about that. Don’t worry, you can still be an Ally by supporting the LGBTQIAAP community.

28. Because you identify as female and aren’t sure which gender you are attracted to, you are Questioning. As a member of the LGBTQQIAAP community you may also choose to identify as Queer. You may at a later date choose to identify as Lesbian, Bisexual, Pansexual or Asexual.

[davidrobertscotland]

10 THINGS YOU REALISE ABOUT LONDON WHEN YOU HAVEN’T LIVED THERE FOR A WHILE

Disclaimer: I probably could have edited this down a bit but I was making myself laugh and as I haven’t done this in a while I decided to be more than a trifle self indulgent.

Samuel Johnson famously said ‘When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life’. Well Samuel babes, how about this: If there is one thing that will make you tired of life it is living in London for longer than about 6 months. The capital can often behave like THAT ex-boyfriend. At first he’s all sweetness and light and downright sexy to boot. He’s always up to something fun but also has a level head on his shoulders. In one word: Perfect. But slowly you start to notice things. That was a bit bitchy. Wow, he can be a bit rude sometimes. Why is he being so mean to me? OH MY GOD HE’S HACKED INTO MY BANK ACCOUNT AND STOLEN ALL OF MY MONEY.

That is why, when I was offered the chance to leave the ‘big smoke’. . .

Quick side bar. People in Scotland cannot say the word London. They have to ask you how you are getting on in the ‘big smoke’ because. . . there is no smoke in Scotland. And when there is it is almost always a small smoke and never larger than a medium smoke.

When I was offered the chance to leave London around this time last year I jumped at it.

I mean escaping the city itself wasn’t the only reason. The offer came in the form of a job working as a singer on a cruise ship and as a life long Loose Women (I’m talking the Carol McGiffin/Sherrie Hewson/Denise Welch/Kaye Adams era not the current Stacey Solomon/Jamelia - ‘you don’t even look old enough to have a son never mind to send him to a bloody prostitute for his 16th Birthday’ era) and in particular JANE MCDONALD fan this was pretty much as close to a dream job as it was going to get for me. I mean I reckon I only need to go back and do another two contracts maximum before I’M on a TV panel with three women talking about how I sent MY son to a prostitute for his 16th Birthday. . .

But despite all that escaping London for 8 months was a massive part of the attraction. And so I packed my bags and off I went round the world. And now I’m back I’ve fallen head over heels for the crazy bitch all over again. Kind of. Here’s why. And why not.

1. It is so diverse.

The finale of RuPaul’s drag race has nothing on London. Take that room and add a thousand other people of different religions, races, sexualities, styles and backgrounds and you have this fair city.

Now I’m not claiming that they all get on all of the time or that they are all accepted everywhere you go. But no matter who you are there will be a pocket of London that is yours to be whoever you want to be and that’s pretty special.

2. Everyone is attractive.

Either London is filled with ridiculously attractive men or every attractive man in London was at ‘The Book of Mormon’ when I went two weeks ago. And don’t even get me started on what happens when the sun comes out. Ethereally beautiful men and women appear from the air as if by magic and walk around parks in minimal clothing. It’s bloody brilliant.

3. It is so expensive.

It is far too easy to spend £100 a day in London. That’s fine though because there are a maximum of 31 days in the month so all you need to do is make sure you are taking home just over £3000 a month after tax. Which everybody is in London, right?

If that isn’t bad enough, once a month at least £500 evaporates from your bank account. And if you are paying £500 a month in rent in London you are generally consider to have found a ‘steal’. It’s fine though because that money is all going towards paying off a mortgage. It’s just a shame it isn’t your mortgage.

4. The transport system is amazing.

You can pretty much get to anywhere in London from anywhere else in London in just over half an hour and it rarely takes more than two tube journeys.

5. The transport system is awful.

Unless of course it’s a Sunday.  Suddenly those two tubes become an Olympic event consisting of three buses, a tram, a swim across the Thames and finally a 20km sprint to your final destination.

And don’t think you are safe if you travel by bus. When the trains stop running everyone gets on your bus and suddenly the 45 minute journey which usually flies by because you sit and read your book turns into three hours from hell because you have to stand for the majority of the journey actively trying not to wipe out everyone standing around you every time the bus turns a corner and when you do finally get a seat you are sandwiched between a lady with a pram and ten bags of shopping and a baby which for some reason you end up having to hold ‘for a minute’.

6. The food is amazing.

There are restaurants to suit every dietary need; even if that dietary need is that you can only eat Cadbury’s Creme Eggs. The diversity of London’s population means there are a million and one eateries all run by someone serving their own delicious and unique variety of food. You could probably work your way round and have a completely different cuisine every day for about two years.

7. But the food is awful.

Because you won’t actually be eating in any of those places regularly. Most of the time your budget will only allow you to frequent legendary establishments like ‘Dallas Fried Chicken’ or ‘McDoner’s Kebab and Fish Bar’. And if you’re really struggling with point number three then you are most likely surviving on a diet solely comprised of Coco Pops and when I say Coco Pops I mean Lidl’s own brand Coco Pops which taste just as good (they do not taste just as good).

8. Nobody gives a shit about you.

This is one of the best and one of the worst things about living in London.

On any given day you could step on to the tube, stark bollock naked and perform intricate choreography to ‘I Feel Love’ by Donna Summer and not a soul would look at you. Londoners do not have time to judge so as long as you don’t ask them to also strip naked and join the choreography they will just leave you to it. In a strange way, it’s liberating.

On the other hand it can also make London a pretty lonely place to be. Stranded on the train platform with half your leg chewed off by a Jaguar that has just escaped from the zoo, no-one would stop and help because if they do they might miss the 15.46 to Guildford and if they miss the 15.46 they will have to get the 16.10 and you never get a seat on the 16.10.

9. Even when it’s shit everyone just pretends that it’s great.

There is an unspoken rule among Londoners. We never share the shit side of London on social media. Nobody wants to know if your rent is overdue, your really cute packed lunch that you made to save money exploded in your bag, you get absolutely no joy from your job or you couldn’t afford the bus so you had to walk home. . . from Central London. . . to Penge. If anybody DOES post anything like this they are taken into a dark room by three of their closest friends, tied to a chair, gagged and told that if it ever happens again their bags will be packed and they will be sent on the first train back to Sheffield or Margate or wherever the hell they come from.

But if Miranda, the temp girl in your office, gets you a free ticket to a secret gig or your really cool friend Gigi takes you to the latest hipster/vegan/gluten-free/soy-fest cafe for brunch or you’ve finally saved up enough money to actually be able to afford a night out with your friends then you must instantly launch into a Facebook check in, name drop tweet, Instagram overload, 20 video long snapchat story extravaganza. That way everyone in your home town will think you’re having the best fucking time ever and not that you’re actually on the verge of a mental breakdown.

10. It’s the best fucking city in the world.

And I feel a lot more qualified to say that now I’ve been to so many others. I’m not even doing number 9 right now. Right now. . .

Love,

Dave x

[davidrobertscotland]

Rewrites and Delights: An Interview with Steph Parry

Actress Steph Parry boasts a rich and varied CV which includes the musicals Thoroughly Modern Millie, Billy Elliot, Annie and Mamma Mia!.

© MUG Photography

And yet Steph is not resting on her laurels. As well as understudying the role of Madame Morrible in the West End production of Wicked, Steph is currently hard at work putting together a one woman show. Entitled Rewrites and Delights, it will play for one night on the Battersea Barge and promises to be ‘filled with comedy, music and fun’.

Steph was recently kind enough to share a little more about the show and the life of a West End understudy.

Your cabaret is entitles ‘Rewrites and Delights’. What made you choose the title?

I'm a big fan of taking a song and rewriting the lyrics so it becomes relevant to my life.  I wish I could write a song from scratch. Maybe that is a future goal for me but for now it’s all about using the comedy of the rhythms that people expect with different words.  The ‘delights’ element will be songs that people know and love or just downright good songs. As my musical director Chris Hatt so rightly said, "no one wants to laugh solidly for over an hour”, so I'm hoping to take the audience through a whole host of emotions.

You are a highly respected comedic performer. Who are your comedy heroes?

Oh, thank you! There are so many. I worked in a stand up comedy club for a few years and was absolutely fascinated watching comedians at work every week.  I thought I can do that, and next thing I know I'm doing stand up comedy myself.  I've moved away from that now but the skills I learnt have really helped with cabaret.  I remember when I couldn't even speak on a mic, just a quick thank you after I'd finished a song. I love Kristen Wiig. I think she's incredible. I sit for hours watching Saturday Night Live.  Her and Melissa McCarthy are brilliant. Bette Midler is a dream. She's someone I look up to hugely. And of course, Victoria Wood, who we are hoping to do a little tribute to on the night.  

‘Rewrites and Delights’ is a one woman show. Having performed in some of the West End’s biggest musical casts, do you miss the energy and companionship of other actors around you or is there an element of liberation being the only person on stage?

A bit of both I guess.  I love being a part of a company, connecting with my fellow performers and bouncing off each other's energy.  However when you're alone on stage the only people you can connect to are the audience.  That ‘imaginary wall’ is taken away and it's just you and them having a conversation.  You may say a very one sided conversation, but you'll be surprised at how much you can feel from an audience. It's totally about a connection.  If you're not enjoying yourself up there then they will get that and switch off.

© Troy David Johnston

You are currently understudying the role of Madame Morrible in ‘Wicked’ and have previously understudied Mrs. Wilkinson in ‘Billy Elliot’. What are the joys and challenges of being an understudy?

The joy of being an understudy is the amazing opportunity I've had to play certain roles that I'm probably still too young for.  I've played some fantastic women. Mrs. Wilkinson was probably my favourite. That part is just a dream.  I got to do it on a night when one of the young boys playing Billy was leaving. It was so special. The energy in the theatre that night was electric (excuse the pun!). In Mamma Mia!, I understudied all three of the dynamos so that was pretty cool. I can say that I played them all too - even if I only got to do Rosie just the once. The challenges of an understudy are mostly fun challenges: Being thrown on during a show, having to be prepared at a moments notice, or not having done it for seven months. Suddenly you're wigged, costumed and ready to go.  

Working on ‘Wicked’ and ‘Rewrites and Delights’ must keep you very busy. What do you like to do when you’re not on stage?

Oh gosh, lots of things! I train pretty consistently in the gym - it's my second home. Spending time with my husband, seeing friends, eating, writing… I'm pretty busy!

What does the future hold for you?

Wow! I have no idea. I'm choosing to not get scared by that thought. I have four and a half weeks left at Wicked, then I go on holiday and then who knows?! But the great thing about this business is that things can change in an instant. I'd love to do more film and TV work so hopefully that's where I'll be in the near future.  All I can say right now is that I'm excited about the possibilities. 

‘Rewrites and Delights’ plays the Battersea Barge on Sunday 21st August at 6.30pm. Tickets can be booked here. 

[davidrobertscotland]

Review AMERICAN IDIOT at Arts Theatre ★★★

The following review was originally published at londonboxoffice.co.uk

This month sees the UK production of Green Day’s American Idiot return to the Arts Theatre. Directed and choreographed by Racky Plews, it stars The X Factor alumni Amelia Lily and music artist Newton Faulkner.

American Idiot has a big advantage over it’s ‘jukebox musical’ cousins. It does not have the usual cobbled together plot that has no other purpose than to facilitate a tour through a band’s greatest hits. Instead the show takes its title and score from a hit album, which itself was written as a rock opera in the vein of The Who’s Tommy and perhaps less obviously Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Jesus Christ Superstar.

There is at the heart of this musical a story worth caring about and Racky Plews stages it masterfully. Her choreography packs a heavy punch that more than matches that of Green Day’s score and her direction is detailed enough to ensure that every actor on stage has a purpose.

American Idiot also has one of the hardest working ensembles in the West End. Their energy is relentless. Plews’ choreography demands a lot of them but is executed to perfection. Rather than being hindered by the small stage they own every square inch of it. In fact, the space appears to grow as required to accommodate their impassioned dancing.

Having said that, this production isn’t quite what it could be. There are some tweaks to be made to the sound balance as the band often overwhelms the singers. Their gorgeous sound shines through but lyrics are by and large lost - not ideal for a musical that is largely sung through.

Amelia Lily and Newton Faulkner are note perfect (Faulkner’s performance of When It’s Time had the audience spell bound) but neither seems one hundred percent comfortable in the role they play. This is exacerbated by performances like the one given by Lucas Rush as St. Jimmy. From the moment he appears he commands the stage in a performance reeking of charisma and confidence. The onstage battle between his character and Faulkner’s Johnny really is star casting vs. star quality.

Hopefully Faulkner and Lily with both settle into their roles. They were certainly be buoyed by the enthusiastic audience responses the show is receiving. This after all is a production that will encourage a new generation of theatre goers which also happens to be the main aim of Sell A Door Theatre Company, American Idiot’s producers. From mission statement to mission accomplished.

American Idiot plays at the Arts Theatre until 25th September. 

Photos © Alastair Muir

[davidrobertscotland]

Review THE KREUTZER SONATA at Arcola Theatre ★★★★

The following review was originally published at londonboxoffice.co.uk

Located in the heart of Dalston, the Arcola Theatre is a venue that is more than comfortable in its hipster surroundings. Across two spaces, it boasts a varied programme of emerging and established artists. As actors go, they don’t come more established than Greg Hicks. A longstanding member of the Royal Shakespeare Company and Olivier Nominated for his portrayal of Coriolanus, Hick’s is currently starring in The Kreutzer Sonata in Studio 1 of the Arcola.

This production which premiered at The Theatre Chipping Norton is adapted by Nancy Harris from Tolstoy’s original novella. At the time of its publication, The Kreutzer Sonata was banned in both Russia and America because of what was seen as its radical views on sex and marriage. What is so shocking about the piece today however, is how relevant Tolstoy’s observations of relationships remain.

Set in a train carriage, Hicks plays Pozdnyshev who tells the story of how a piece of Beethoven’s music destroyed his marriage and led him on a downward spiral to a particularly gruesome crime.

With just one actor and a running time of 95 minutes with no interval, the performance requires a certain degree of patience and investment from the audience. Luckily this is rewarded by Hicks’ captivating performance. His Shakespearean pedigree shines through in the way he wrings every last drop of meaning and emotion from the language.

Although the only actor, Hicks is not alone on stage. Alice Pinto on piano and Phillip Granell on violin splice and underscore the text with a score inspired by the Beethoven Sonata that is central to the plot.

Although not as turbulent as Pozdnyshev’s relationship with his wife, John Terry’s direction and Harry Sever’s score aren’t quite a match made in heaven. The musicians are certainly accomplished but at times the music isn’t helpful. Over certain sections of dialogue it becomes a distraction rather than an enhancement. However there are also many occasions when the music adds to the feeling of claustrophobia, of despair, of passion, of drama. Most effective was the the pivotal scene when Pozdnyshev sees his wife and his friend perform together for the first time. As the musicians step into the roles of the adulterous artists, the premonition in Hicks of what is to come is all the more captivating.

For actors, it is the kind of piece one dreams of performing. And although the great majority will never reach the dizzying heights of Hicks’ performance, being able to observe an artist like him so intimately will surely help the dream feel more tangible. It is a masterclass for anyone who has studied the form.

There are other lessons a drama student could take from The Kreutzer Sonata too. Most important of all is that the most engaging and challenging work, the roles you imagine playing in front of thousands are more commonly played in front of hundreds. They are found in the side streets and alleys. There is theatrical life in London outside of the West End and thank god for that.

The Kreutzer Sonata runs at the Areola Theatre until 23rd July.

Photos © Tristram Kenton

[davidrobertscotland]

Satan’s Little Helpers

The following article was originally published in the June edition of Ovation UK, the company newsletter of Ambassador Theatre Group.

It goes without saying that if you make a deal with the devil things are going to get messy. This was particularly true for Game of Thrones star Kit Harrington in his recent performance of the title role in Doctor Faustus at the Duke of York’s Theatre. Marlowe’s classic work was spliced with new text by Colin Teevan to add relevance to this cautionary tale for a 21st century audience.

Director Jamie Lloyd’s modern adaptation saw the good doctor passing his days in a poky bedsit. When Faustus sold his soul to the devil in return for the powers of black magic, his living conditions slowly deteriorated into the embodiment of hell on earth. Soil was spilled, blood was shed and minds were (literally) blown. It was the ultimate house party gone wrong.

As the scene of such a destructive production, getting the set back to its original state was a tight turnaround for the stage management team - particularly on a two show day. The cast had barely taken their bow before hoovers were prepped, buckets were filled with water and scourers were primed. With the stage clear, a small but efficient army of six staff tackled the mammoth clean up job left by Lucifer and friends.

The sight of the Assistant Stage Manager in marigolds at the kitchen sink seemed in strange juxtaposition to the tone of the play but he wasn’t the only one getting his hands dirty. By the time the audience had made their way to stage door in hope of acquiring the signature Harrington squiggle on their poster, programme or script, the carpet was already in the process of being hoovered, shampooed and dried. Overturned furniture was cleaned and checked for any damage by over enthusiastic actors before being returned to its rightful position. Blood and gore were washed from walls with unsettling ease hiding any evidence of the chaos that came moments earlier.

Soutra Gilmour’s set clicked in and out of position like a Rubik’s Cube allowing every crook and cranny to be reached. As rooms glided around the stage, blood was drained from the bathroom and the floor of the stage itself was brushed and mopped from corner to corner. The shower curtain was stripped, soaked and rehung and the final dregs of haemoglobin were soaked from the u-bend of the toilet with a sponge. The final task was for each window to be wiped clean of any splatter endured by the poking, prodding and clambering of the cast.

With order restored, a long and meticulous check list of every prop and item of scenery began. Only when it was established that there was not a hair out of place could the team grab a quick moment of respite. It was never long before fickle Faustus started making the same mistakes all over again.

There was an almost war time camaraderie among the stage management team for Doctor Faustus as they battled against the blitz of Kit and company. It is surely these bonds they will miss the most having gone their separate ways. And who knows, perhaps when in the midst of a period drama, their greatest demand a spilled teacup or a ruffled bustle, they will miss the blood and guts of Faustus too.

[davidrobertscotland]

Review HOTEL BLACK CAT at London Wonderground ★★★★

The following review was originally published at londonboxoffice.co.uk

People who have never had the chance to visit Edinburgh in August often wonder what the Fringe Festival is really like. Since 2009, Londoners have been able to sample the atmosphere of Edinburgh without the travel fare thanks to the Southbank’s Udderbelly, a concept which started it’s life at (and is still a huge part of) the Edinburgh Festival. Udderbelly’s London offering has expanded and now includes the London Wonderground: a circus tent come cabaret venue.

These two spaces will be showing the same mash of comedy and cabaret that serve as the life blood of their Scottish cousins throughout the summer.

This year’s programme includes a regular Friday evening residency for The Black Cat Cabaret and their latest offering Hotel Black Cat. The Black Cat Cabaret are already well established having won ‘Best Production’ at the London Cabaret Awards 2014 and seeing their work live illustrates why. Hotel Black Cat is a late night selection of music, dance, comedy and circus skills and the eclectic cast and their varying talents ensure that there is something on offer for everyone.

Director Laura ‘Frisky’ Corcoran gives the evening the loose structure of a fledgling hotel trying to win the investment of two wealthy backers. Although there is no real audience investment in the plot, it serves as an interesting way to hold the various acts together and the character played by each performer adds another dimension to their individual acts. The concept also allows a seamless transition between performances, aided by the superb lighting design of David Harris.

Another contributor to the smooth running of the show is Dusty Limits who is confident and assured in his dual role as hotel manager and compere. He effortlessly interacts with the audience and cast alike and his musical numbers are sung with the panache of an 80s pop star.

At 75 minutes long the show is jam packed with acts who are too many to mention but highlights include the breathtaking acrobatics and contortion of Katharine Arnold and ‘Nathan and Isis’ and the python-esque physical comedy of Dimitri Hatton.

Special mention goes to the ‘Resident Orchestra’ Bowjangles, who as well as providing backing for many of the other musical numbers, shine in their own right. Their hilarious routine mashes high art with low to poke fun at the melodrama of Classical Opera.

The true spirit of the Edinburgh Fringe is taking a punt on something you wouldn’t normally go and see. If you’re looking for reward without the risk then Hotel Black Cat is a safe bet.

Hotel Black Cat plays every Friday until August 29th at London Wonderground, Southbank Centre

[davidrobertscotland]

Review: A VIEW FROM ISLINGTON NORTH - Arts Theatre ★★★

The following review originally appeared on londonboxoffice.co.uk

There is something about a Conservative Government and a floundering Labour opposition that lends itself so beautifully to political satire. After all, that was the climate that saw Spitting Image become one of the most successful comedies ever.

With that in mind, it seems like the perfect time for A View from Islington North to arrive at the Arts Theatre. Produced by Karl Sydow and Out of Joint and directed by Max Stafford-Clark, the evening is comprised of 5 short plays, some previously performed and some specifically commissioned for the occasion.

On the whole, Stafford-Clark has produced a cohesive and enjoyable evening but in a selection such as this, a variance in quality is almost inevitable. The weaker moments of the collection come in the first act.

Mark Ravenhill’s The Mother is an interesting choice to open. It has the potential to unsettle in the way that many dark comedies do but never quite delivers. Sarah Alexander isn’t quite the right fit as a single mother who has lost her son in military service. A return visit when Kathryn O’Reilly takes over on 6th June could see a more successful execution.

The Accidental Leader by Alastair Beaton which follows an attempt by several Labour politicians to overthrow their leader has one of the most interesting concepts on paper. Although skilfully carried by Bruce Alexander as a rebel backbencher with his eye on the prize, the stakes are never quite high enough to reach the dizzying farce of one of the best political satires of recent times - The Thick of It.

Luckily, these two pieces are sandwiched around Caryl Churchill’s Tickets Are Now On Sale which starts amusingly but rapidly becomes unnerving. In the shortest piece of the night, Sarah Alexander is much more at home quickly unravelling the subtext of a conversation with Steve John Shepherd.

The stand out piece of the evening comes after the interval in David Hare’s Ayn Rand Takes a Stand. A fantasy encounter between George Osbourne, Theresa May and a famous philosopher is used to convey Hare’s thought provoking stance on the Syrian Refugee crisis. Ann Mitchell delivers plenty of laughs as Ayn Rand and Jane Wymark is at her strongest as May. Extra kudos goes to Steve John Shepherd’s squeamish George Osbourne.

How to Get Ahead in Politics by Stella Feehily which follows a Tory Chief Whip introducing a young intern to the “do’s and don’ts” of a career in politics is again, more successful. Feehily’s punches are hard, often and like all great satirists she saves her knockout blow for the last line. The piece also sees the third of three fantastic performances from Joseph Prowen who more than holds his own as the youngest member of the cast.

The evening ends with No Buddy, No by Billy Bragg, a powerful song that says more in two minutes than some parts of the evening said in twenty.

Stafford-Clark has done a good job of curating, directing and executing the ambitious task of juggling 5 short productions. There are moments that are still a little rough around the edges but this strikes as a production that will only get better with time.

All in all, a satisfactory evening which would be of particular interest to those who are passionate about politics. The main issue steams from reading Marianka Swain’s history of satire featured in the programme. ‘In Medieval Celtic society,’ she writes, ‘a bard’s “satire” was believed to be so powerful that it could kill’. Unfortunately for a large portion of A View from Islington North, phasers are set firmly to stun.

A View from Islington North runs at the Arts Theatre until 2nd July.

Photos  © Tristram Kenton

[davidrobertscotland]

A Rainbow Election

This Thursday, Londoners will head to the polls to elect their new Mayor. With 12 candidates to choose from the prospect of sifting through the promises, pledges and pleading of each one is a daunting task. Equally confusing is the fact that despite representing opposite ends of the political spectrum the lead candidates, Zac Goldsmith (Conservative) and Sadiq Khan (Labour), seem to be making many of the same promises for business, housing, policing and the environment.

So how does one filter the candidates enough to make a firm decision on who to vote for? Why you tweet them of course!

As a proud member of the LGBT community, it is particularly important to me that this group is well supported and represented, particularly as London has one of, if not the, highest proportion of LGBT people in the UK. To put it bluntly, if the capital can’t get it right then nobody can. So I took to social media and tweeted each candidate the same question:

‘Can you tell me a bit about how you would support the #LGBT community if elected as mayor?’

The results were varied to say the least.

There was no response from the UKIP candidate Peter Whittle or from Sophie Walker from the Women’s Equality Party. I didn’t get a reply from Paul Golding the leader of Britain First, nor the Polish Prince Jan Zylinski. Lee Harris (Cannabis is Safer than Alcohol) isn’t on Twitter but I didn’t get a response from his support team either. I imagine the atmosphere in their office is decidedly relaxed anyway.

George Galloway replied saying ‘sure look at my record. And ask Stonewall’. So I did. Stonewall (perhaps wisely) wouldn’t give me a personal testimony of George Galloway’s work for community but they did point me in the direction of a helpful online resource that shows every past and present MPs voting records. And to be fair to George he has always supported pro LGBT legislation. . . when he’s shown up. But I wasn’t questioning him about his history in supporting the LGBT community. I was asking him about what he would do in the future (albeit a very surrealistic future if it involved him winning the election). Of course the other downfall of Mr. Galloway are the many pictures of him hugging anti-gay extremists that I was tweeted for over a week after his reply.

The One Love Party and the BNP both gave surprisingly similar answers on behalf of their candidates. On behalf of Ankit Love the OLT wrote:

‘The #LGBT community has #AnkitLove’s full support. We stand for human acceptance and expression. #onelove #votelove’

While the BNP replied:

‘We would give the #LGBT community the same support afforded to anyone else. We do not discriminate on grounds of sexuality.’

Although on the surface these are both positive responses, I can’t help but feel that both parties missed the point. I was hoping for specific policies rather than a general acknowledgement of support. I feel that it’s worth mentioning that the BNP’s reply also came with some rather unsupportive tweets from supporters of the party; ‘we don’t want it promoted in schools’ was one while another wittily quipped ‘some people vote BNP, get over it!’.

Caroline Pidgeon, the representative for the Liberal Democrats did better. She replied with campaign information specifically aimed at the LGBT+ community. As well as specific policies relating to the community such as matching current funding for Pride, supporting LGBT+ venues and ensuring adequate and accessible mental health services, she also demonstrates how her policies on blanket issues like housing and policing will have a positive affect on the LGBT+ community.

But by far the best response was from Sian Berry of the Green Party. Sian sent me a link to her LGBT+ manifesto which has an array of policies specifically design to support the community. Reading the manifesto it becomes clear that this is someone who has talked to the community about their concerns and the support they would look for in a future mayor. She leads by pledging to protect LGBT+ venues against gentrification, a huge cause for concern as large areas of the community disappear due to soaring rents and new developments. She also promises a new LGBT community space (real or virtual) to support both younger and older members of the community. The detail of her knowledge and understanding of the community is also shown in her support for trans people, specifically her plans to implement the gender-neutral honorific Mx. These policies are just a few of the issues she plans to tackle. You can read the full manifesto here.

But what about the big guns? I tweeted Sadiq Khan and Zac Goldsmith twice and didn’t receive a response from either. In fairness, as the two most prolific candidates in the race for Mayor they are both in high demand. I checked their Twitter feeds and neither seem to regularly engage directly with voters through the site. It seems like you have to do a lot more work on your own with the big boys. So I read both their manifestos to try and identify any policies directly related to helping the LGBT+ community. In 80 pages Sadiq Khan makes five direct references to the LGBT+ community. They are as follows:

‘Direct the Met to adopt a strict zero tolerance approach to hate crime. . . In particular I will challenge the appalling increase in homophobic, anti-Semitic, and Islamophobic hate crimes.’

‘I will work with the LGBT+ community, schools, police and others to highlight and challenge transphobia, which remains all too prevalent, and promote acceptance of gender diversity.’

‘Renew our focus on prevention of and screening for HIV, working with Boroughs on collective commissioning and provision of prevention services and ensuring that effective information on HIV reaches the right audiences.’

‘I will lead a campaign to break down the stigma of mental illness and improve the availability of information and support, particularly amongst young men in London, and particular at risk groups such as BAME men, and the LGBT+ community.’

‘I will continue to back major cultural festivals to celebrate London’s religious and racial diversity, and ensure Pride continues to be a fantastic, community-led showcase for all of London’s LGBT+ communities.’

Sadiq Khan’s promise to tackle transphobia is a very progressive policy for a member of a major political party to make. The trans community is only beginning to get the acknowledgement and support it deserves within the LGBT+ community itself so to have someone out with that pledge their support on such a public platform is a huge step forward. His acknowledgement of mental health issues within the community also shows a certain apathy and understanding. What is troubling is his hollow promises regarding Pride. There is no guarantee to maintain funding or to attend as mayor. Sadiq Khan could be mistaken for Harvey Milk however when compared to Zac Goldsmith.

In 90 pages Zac Goldsmith makes one direct reference to the LGBT+ community:

‘Muslim women, Jewish people, those with disabilities,Gypsy, Irish Traveller and Roma communities, new migrants and the LGBT community are just some of the groups who have experienced an increase in vicious hate crimes in recent years. So I will instruct the Met to take a zero tolerance approach to hate crime and ensure that other public bodies do the same.’

As mentioned in Caroline Pidgeon’s campaign material the LGBT+ community will be undeniably affected by several, if not all, of the major campaigning issues candidates are addressing ahead of the election. Many of Zac Goldsmith’s proposals may well provide good support. But to have a single pledge of direct support on one issue for an LGBT+ community the size of London’s, in what is meant to be one of the most progressive and diverse cities in the world, is unacceptable. Zac has since made several promises in the gay press including support for PrEP to be made available on the NHS and his attendance as mayor at Pride but wouldn’t it have been nice if more of this had been included from the beginning?

In having to work harder to obtain support, many of the smaller parties seem to have made greater outreach to and policy for, minority groups. It often feels like Labour and the Conservatives have such a stronghold over the British political system that they can pretty much do whatever they like. As a minority group, it can be hard to get your voice heard by these political behemoths. So how can we start to make them listen?

In short, by voting. Votes in the Mayoral elections are allocated through proportional representation - a voting system that usually allows a better representation of support for smaller parties. In general elections, parties like the Greens often lose out on support as people see it as a wasted vote. Under the rules of PR, voters are granted a first and second choice vote. This allows you to support a smaller party with your first choice vote without feeling like your vote is wasted as you can vote for one of the bigger candidates with your second.

Whatever it is that matters to you, take these last few days to research all the candidates and see who speaks to you most. It doesn’t have to be a choice of red or blue. They might not suit you. And that’s ok because there is a whole spectrum of colours out there. Let’s have a rainbow election. What could be more representative of the LGBT+ community than that?

Love,

David x

[davidrobertscotland]

Minority Report

As a white male, it’s not very often that I find myself in the minority. I like to joke that the only reason I’m gay is because it was the only minority that would have me. Perhaps I subconsciously decided to shoot up an extra 9 inches in height in a desperate bid to abstract myself from everybody else.

Of course being in the majority can be quite lovely. Nobody ever tells you that you can’t do things. The most discriminated I have ever felt is trying to avoid strange glances while walking through the lingerie department of Marks and Spencer (it’s not my fault they always put the toilets there).

There are however two main problems I have with being in the white man club. The first is that as someone who likes to consider themselves a ‘creative type’, ‘the norm’ is just about the worst possible label I could wish to have for myself or my work. In an industry where the best thing you can do is stand out, it’s hard when everyone around you looks exactly the same. Where is the diversity*?

As a white man I haven’t really had to struggle for anything. Not that I’m wishing for struggles. That would be a tad masochistic. But it makes my story and my voice seem bland in comparison. Are people really interested in what I have to say? Can I tell them something they haven’t already heard?

This second problem is the inherent guilt I feel about all the terrible ways white men have treated minorities in the past. Indigenous people from around the world have been raped, pillaged and murdered by my ancestors. Segregation has been one of our favourite past times with everyone from black people to Jews being singled out and punished for nothing in particular.

And it’s not just minorities that have felt the wrath of the white man. Despite outnumbering us, the white man has done everything in his power to mark women as the ‘lesser’ of the two sexes. In fact, so insecure are we that we have made them the minority in any realm or role we want to dominate in. From politics to creative teams, corporate boardrooms and tv screens, we have locked women out from high profile positions in our society. We have stamped ‘LESSER’ on any attempt they have made at level pegging, sports being a prime example.This seems particularly unfair when they so often out do us in intelligence, creativity, compassion, work ethic, skill, logic, beauty, class, grace and just about anything else you can think of. All that and the fact that they have ensured the continuing survival of our species by bearing and excreting our children in a manner so painful I’m exasperated as to why they didn’t call it quits years ago.

Well boo hoo, I hear you cry. It must be horrible feeling guilty all the time. It must have been horrible having such an easy life. I am aware this is all a bit #firstworldproblems

All I can say is I am truly and deeply sorry to any one who has ever been dealt a blow by the white man. I’ll do my best to make sure we keep moving forwards and not backwards. And perhaps that’s the answer to problem one too. It’s ok to be another white male voice as long as it’s a voice that champions women, is interested in explore and engaging with other cultures, that is a proud member of the LGBT community. And hopefully that won’t make me the minority for too long.

Love,

David x

*Another blog for another time perhaps.

[davidrobertscotland]

SHOULDA BEEN HUGE: Nadine Coyle - Insatiable

In the style of Attitude Magazine’s ‘Shoulda Been Huge’ feature I argue that Nadine Coyle’s premier solo offering should have been a massive smash.

From their formation on Popstars: The Rivals in November 2002, Girls Aloud ruled the pop roost by charting an unprecedented twenty consecutive top ten singles including four number ones. Their career long relationship with Brian Higgins and his songwriting and production team Xenomania helped them to create a sophisticated brand of electropop that was the foundation for a period of longevity so often denied to other reality TV alumni.

Like the Spice Girls before them, each member brought something different to the table (albeit in a much less brand-able manner):

Kimberly Walsh - Daytime Spice

You couldn’t and wouldn’t want to imagine Kimberly Walsh doing anything that usually takes place after the watershed. It would be a bit like picturing your sister getting up to something dodgy. And she didn’t actually need to get up to anything dodgy because she was joined in the group by

Sarah Harding - Caner Spice

Miss Harding was regularly featured in the Sun’s 'Caner of the Year’, a competition for the naughtiest celebrities going. If there was a bottle of wine to open or a car door to fall out of, Sarah was there. You’d never imagine that behaviour from

Nicola Roberts - Background Spice

Regularly given the least vocals and media airtime, Nicola could have easily been substituted for a cardboard cut out during her time in the group. Ironically she later turned out to be the most talented (please reference her critically acclaimed solo album Cinderella’s Eyes for proof). In the traditional pop star paradox she was balanced out by

Cheryl Tweedy Cole Fernandez-Versini (Payne?) - Fairy Tale Spice

Cheryl Tweedy was a lovable, working class, Geordie lass. Like all of us she made mistakes (punching a nightclub attendant - we’ve all been there) but this only went to show how human she was. Nothing could damage her fairy tale transformation from low budget Sporty Spice to WAG Supreme when she married footballer Ashley Cole. She didn’t have a great voice but that didn’t matter because she was pretty and also because the final member of the group was

Nadine Coyle - THE VOICE Spice

Like Jo O'Meara and Claire Richards before her, Nadine had the beautiful voice most regularly heard on the verses of a Girls Aloud track. And the chorus. And the bridge. In fact, vocals in Girls Aloud were only mildly more democratic than they were in the Pussycat Dolls (a.k.a Nicole Scherzinger and her five backup dancers).

Joking aside, Girls Aloud always appeared to be intended as a vehicle for Nadine. Having previously won a place in a band on the Irish version of Popstars, Nadine was removed from the group when it was revealed that she had lied about her age and was two years below the required 18 years. She was encouraged to audition for Popstars: The Rivals by Louis Walsh who had been a judge on the Irish version of the show and was now mentoring the girl group on the UK edition. She sailed through the process and it came as no suprise when she won a place in the final line-up.

Nadine was at the vocal forefront of Girls Around for the next 7 years and so when it was announced in 2009 that the group were taking a break to pursue solo projects all eyes were on her. Or at least they would have been if it weren’t for Simon Cowell.

In June 2008, Cheryl Cole was announced as Sharon Osbourne’s replacement as a judge on the X Factor. By the time she won the show with her act Alexandra Burke in December she was not only the most famous member of Girls Aloud, she was one of the biggest pop stars in the UK.

Despite her limited vocal ability, Cheryl Cole was a strong dancer, had a great look and was now a household name. It was a no brainer for Girls Aloud’s record label Polydor to offer her a solo deal. By the time the group announced their hiatus in July, Cheryl had already been in the studio recording for three months and by the beginning of November her debut single Fight for This Love had topped the charts.

Meanwhile Nadine was floundering. Despite her status as lead vocalist, Polydor did not pick up their option on a solo deal with Coyle. Meetings with several other labels happened and a deal was even reported to have been struck with Geffen Records at one stage but nothing ever materialised. For some reason record labels were unwilling to take a chance on Nadine. For a start, she lacked the kind of following Cheryl Cole had sustained through her X Factor appearances. That may have been a problem. Then again, it could also have been her indecipherably heavy Irish accent that rendered most interviews incomprehensible. Or maybe it was her long limbs that although glorious to look at, often got tangled whenever she attempted complex choreography. Whatever the reason, nobody was taking the bait.

Enter Tesco. Yes, that’s right Tesco. As in, ‘I’m just off to get some milk from Tesco’ Tesco. Apparently they also had their own record label. Who knew? Nadine Coyle that’s who. Nadine signed an exclusive deal with the supermarket giant in August 2010. It wasn’t the dream but Nadine had a deal. Now all she needed was a single. And boy what a single she produced.

Co-written with Guy Chambers and produced by Ricci Riccardi, Insatiable was released on 1st November 2010 to wide-spread critical acclaim. Combining guitar and synth, the song had a maturity that served as the perfect development of her work with Girls Aloud. The dramatic 80′s style melody was a showcase for Nadine’s vocals while the beat was thundering enough for sexy sliding around a mic stand without being fast enough to demand the dance-led performances that had previously been her downfall. It was in simple terms, a smash.

Apart from the fact that it wasn’t. Insatiable entered the charts at a dismal number 26 only to fall out of the top 40 altogether the following week. Where did it all go wrong?

The terms of her deal with Tesco certainly seemed to have an impact. Physical copies of the single were only available from the supermarket chain. The song suffered from a lack of airplay, failing to make the playlist on Radio 1. Nadine was also attempting to wrestle the spotlight from a fellow Girls Aloud alumni: Cheryl Cole.

Yes, her again. Now in her third series as a judge on the X Factor, Mrs. Cole released her new single Promise This one week before Insatiable hit the (Tesco) shelves. The first release from her second solo album, the song became her fourth top 5 solo single and her second number one.

Promise This is an OK song. It’s catchy enough to get stuck in your head in the same way that most pop fodder is but the overly auto-tuned vocals and the lyrics (which are basically an extended version of a french nursery rhyme) leave a lot to be desired. She was yet to reach the dizzying heights of her Calvin Harris collaboration, Call My Name but that didn’t stop her from topping the charts. After all who ever said you need to have a good song to have a number one single?

Cheryl Cole was no longer seen as a member of Girls Aloud but instead as a superstar in her own right. Her fame was enough to not only eclipse Nadine but also to ensure the press wouldn’t even entertain the idea of a chart rivalry between the two. Cheryl was premiership while Nadine was yet to graduate from league one. And while the opposite was true musically, the music industry can often be about anything but.

The varying success of their solo efforts would change the shape of Girls Aloud forever. When the girls reunited in 2012 the hierarchy they had previously operated on for 7 years had changed dramatically. While Something New is in many ways a typical Girls Aloud song the vocals are distinctly richer in Cheryl than any previous release. The new arrangement didn’t seem to be sit well. The band looked like they wished they were anywhere but in each other’s company. Girls Aloud had always been an extremely fragile balance of egos and by the time Beautiful ‘Cause You Love Me failed to chart in the top 40 it felt like it was time to throw in the towel on any further efforts as a five piece. Their split was announced in March of 2013 just four months after they had reformed.

Since then the girls have all taken different directions in their search for career longevity. Kimberley is a regular host of fashion segments for This Morning (DAYTIME), Nicola Roberts continues to make music by writing for other artists (BACKGROUND) and Sarah Harding’s acting career has been interspersed with spells in rehab (CANER).

It has recently been announced that Cheryl is quitting the X Factor (for the second time) to focus on her music career it may be useful for someone to remind her why her music is so prolific in the first place.

And Nadine continues to tease us with tweets about for a while now about new music. Lets hope that when it finally appears it has no connection to horse meat lasagne.

WATCH THE OFFICIAL VIDEO FOR INSATIABLE HERE

Love,

David x

[davidrobertscotland]

Pressing Issues

A short history of my dealings with the press.

AN UPHILL BATTLE

When you’re from somewhere like Stirling, all you have to do is linger around long enough and you’ll end up in the local paper. As two people who have lingered around Stirling their whole lives, I’m sure my parents have been featured many times but the first time I can remember it happening was when I was asked to pose with them for THIS PHOTO:

I think I was going for suave. Sadly this translated as smug and creepy.

Around the time of the formation of the Scottish Parliament, someone in the ideas department of the Stirling Observer thought it would be interesting to interview the SCOTLAND family about who they would be voting for in the upcoming SCOTTISH elections. A little gimmicky but a nice idea. Just one problem however. My family are a closed book when it comes to politics.

The only member of my family who ever made their political leanings known to me was my Papa. He was a Tory (I don’t want to talk about it). His arguments with my Uncle Peter (Labour through and through) were apparently so volcanic that I think it put my whole family off discussing politics with each other permanently.

I expressly remember my mum before being interviewed saying ‘I’m not telling them who I’ll be voting for so every man and his dog can come and knock on my door and try and change my mind’.

How a poor journalist padded out an interview with that woman and my Dad (who is less renowned for being out spoken than he is for not speaking) is beyond me. But pad they did and the article was subsequently published, cut out and stuck in a family scrapbook. 

DERAILED

This is one of those classic family stories that gets revisited almost every time we are all together (much to my sister’s dismay). 

The Pirnhall is a fairly inexpensive restaurant on the outskirts of Stirling. For a family with a modest income and three children, it’s a safe bet for a celebratory meal. I can’t remember what occasion prompted this particular visit and I don’t think anyone else can, primarily because of what happened when we were there. 

My sisters Sarah and Emily were playing happily beside our table when suddenly Sarah started to cry. On investigation it turned out that she had somehow got her head stuck in between some railings that surrounded the stairs up to our seating area. Several attempts to free her by my Dad and the restaurant staff (and from what I can remember, an industrial sized tub of butter)  proved unsuccessful and eventually the fire brigade had to be called. Quite the debacle. And yet I couldn’t help feeling a bit jealous. I had been hanging around a lot longer than Sarah and she was going to beat me into the local press.

The funniest moment came when the Stirling Observer telephoned my Gran (who I’m sure was delighted; she’d been hanging around longer than all of us put together) for comment.

“We were all surprised it was Sarah. It’s usually her sister Emily who does things like this. Sarah was probably copying Emily and that’s how she got stuck.’

And there you have it. In only the way a Grandmother could she shifted the embarrassment from one Grandchild to two Grandchildren. 

(DISCLAIMER: After re-reading this I feel it’s important to mention that my sisters were not teenagers when this happened. They were in fact roughly the same age as they are in the photo above. It may even have taken place in the same summer. From political commentators to clumsy oafs in a matter of weeks.)

REVIEWING THE SITUATION 

I humbly accept that my performing career peaked in 5th year of High School. It was at that time that I played the role of ‘Fagin’ in a school production of the musical ‘Oliver!’. I had previously been deprived of an expressive outlet for two years on the trot. 

Up until this stage only 1st, 2nd and 3rd year students were allowed to partake in the school musical. Everybody else was deemed too busy focussing on EXAMS. Luckily by the time I reached 5th year it was recognised that for some students a performance in the end of year show was just as valuable as Higher Geography. My last performance had been as Nick Negrophiliac in ‘Dracula Spectacula’ (imagine a child friendly Rocky Horror without the catchy songs, humour or cult following). The following year I had missed out on Grease (I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT) as it was far more important that I focused on my Standard Grade French of which I can no longer speak a word. By the time I reached 5th year the exam ban was lifted and I managed to bag myself the best part in the show. Fagin is a fantastic character to play and sings some of the most fun and well recognised songs in the show. The highlight each night was singing ‘Reviewing the Situation’, a musical soliloquy that I gave as much gusto as an actor performing Hamlet’s famous ‘To be or not to be’ speech.

I had a great time on stage and my performance was well received by my peers, teachers and family. It’s one thing impressing those you know however and quite another impressing those you don’t. 

A week later in the Stirling Observer (hang around long enough. . .) a review of the show was sent in to and published in, the letters section of the paper. The writer, an unnamed lady from Dunblane (Judy Murray?), enjoyed the show so much that she wanted to share her experience in the local news. She also singled out my performance and although I can’t remember her exact wording I do remember she said it was ‘worthy of a West End stage’ (she couldn’t have a word with David Grindrod could she?). I don’t remember this having any profound impact on me at the time; certainly not the same impact it had on both my Grandmothers who both nearly spontaneously combusted with pride. Looking back now however it is rather touching that a complete stranger would take the time to write something so kind.  

I have never to my knowledge been acknowledged in a review since. In the few shows that I have been in that have warranted reviewing (a fair few haven’t) I have always been not quite spectacularly good enough to be singled out for praise and not quite spectacularly bad enough to be singled out for critique. I have been safe and those of you who watch RuPaul’s Drag Race will know that safe is not a good place to be. Mystery Dunblane woman, you are cordially invited to every future performance I make at my expense. Just make sure you bring your pen and paper.

UPSTAGED

About a month ago I got a text from my boss that read:

‘Hi David. Got something quite exciting to put to you. Can I give you a call about 1? x’

This kind of text always fills me with trepidation. I have had several managers in several different jobs ask to talk to me about ‘something quite exciting’ and I have found that a manager’s definition of ‘something quite exciting’ varies greatly from that of an entry-level employee. I dutifully called back.

‘The Head of London wants you to be interviewed for The Stage about working Front of House.’ 

See what I mean? A few days later I waited with great trepidation for a phone call from Georgia Snow at The Stage. What if she was hoping to unearth something dark and mysterious about the inner workings of the theatre? What if she subjected me to Paxman style questioning over the ethics and morals of the company. WHAT IF I SAID THE WRONG THING?

Luckily the article I was to feature in ‘60-Second CV’ is a very soft look at what different job roles in theatre entail. The interviewer obviously had a clear intention of what she wanted to cover and I wouldn’t be surprised if she had an outline for the article before our interview commenced. We spoke at 3 o’clock on a Friday afternoon and I got the distinct impression that she was hoping to fire the finished thing off to the editor before she left for the weekend in a few hours time.

Her questions were skilfully leading, never allowing or eliciting a one word response and always leading me down the path she wanted me to choose. I was never stuck for something to say despite her frantic typing in the background, an audible sign of her forensic recording of our conversation, giving me a nervous tummy.

Much to my dismay the typing ceased towards the end of our conversation when we were discussing my acting career, particularly as I so perfectly recalled the date and time of an upcoming cabaret I was hoping to get a plug for. My thoughts on my most recent stint in Panto and the best way to buy tickets for my latest venture (www.landortheatre.co.uk) were unlikely to make an appearance in the finished piece. 

I purposely wrote this long after the published article surfaced in shops so unless you have an archive dedicated to The Stage you’ll have to make do with this blurry photograph which conveniently renders all my answers illegible. 

My first impression on reading the article in the Charing Cross station branch of WHSmith was horror. It seemed the most menial elements of my job as well as the most meaningless statements I had made about theatre had seen off all the witty anecdotes and profound realisations I had experienced during my time as an usher. Upon a second reading I decided it was not so bad after all (especially as I hadn’t actually told any witty anecdotes or given any profound realisations I had experienced as an usher). 

I had originally intended to throw the copy I had purchased in the bin but after some coaxing from my flatmates I decided I should keep it as a happy memory. After all, I might never be featured in The Stage again. Well, maybe if I hang around long enough. . .

Love,

David x

[davidrobertscotland]

The Final Curtain

The following article was originally published in the Christmas edition of Ovation UK, the company newsletter of Ambassador Theatre Group.

When people think of the closing night of a hit West End show they probably imagine flowers and gifts, champagne corks popping and dancing into the wee hours. This is certainly true for the cast and producers. However the theatre carpenters and electricians have barely a second to celebrate as they set about stripping out any sign that the play or musical ever took place. Over the next few days they transform the stage from worlds as far apart as dystopian futures and old English country manors. They are assisted in this by a small army of stage crew; something which helps to ease the stress of the Theatre Management team. The physically demanding work combined with a lack of sleep can mean it's often several weeks before the crew are fully aware they are working on a different production! For the Front of House team a few days rest is in order. Invariably the emotions held for a production past are formed by what comes next. It takes a couple of weeks but eventually talk will begin of how much everyone misses Play A or how glad they are that Play B has gone. For Farinelli and the King it will most certainly be the former. Front of House staff are frequently asked about the relationship they have with the cast of the play or musical they work on. The best answer to give is that it varies from production to production. Most actors behave in the same way as a Great Aunt you only see at Christmas does: Polite but distant. Unfortunately (but thankfully only occasionally) some actors adopt an 'ignorance is bliss' approach. And then there are casts like that of Farinelli and the King and, in particular, actors like Mark Rylance. From day one their appreciation is felt in the active interest they take in all the theatre staff. Strong relationships are formed and it is these that are the first notable absence when the final curtain falls. The Duke of York's has a rich legacy of hit productions from Peter Pan to Jeeves and Wooster;Farinelli and The King is the latest addition. As the staff wait eagerly to discover what the next theatrical gem will be they file Rylance and company to a special place in their hearts.

[davidrobertscotland]

Can you candle this?

The following article was originally published in the October edition of Ovation UK, the company newsletter of Ambassador Theatre Group.

At 8am every morning, curious creatures wrapped heavily in coats and scarves and abuzz with excitement begin to surface on St. Martin's Lane. No, the Wombles haven't come down from Wimbledon for the day. Instead avid theatregoers queue patiently outside the Duke of York's Theatre in hope of retrieving something just as elusive as a Womble - a ticket for Farinelli and the King. A transfer from the Sam Wanamaker Playhouse at The Globe, the show is now playing to sold out audiences in the heart of London's West End.

But it isn't just the star casting of Mark Rylance and world renowned countertenor Iestyn Davies that is pulling in the crowds. The stage at the Duke of York's has been transported back in time even further than its own illustrious history. Jacobean style seating frames the stage while musicians play from a gallery directly above the action of the play. It is also entirely lit by candlelight. Six chandeliers or branches (the Jacobean term) of candles hang above the stage while further candles act as footlights and lamps.

Candles are an unusual challenge in modern day theatre and it is down to a stage management team guided by candle technician Katherine Tippins as well as a Front of House stage team of five ushers to navigate the 50 patrons sitting on stage around the 112 candles used per performance. The branches are lit and raised into place just before 7pm every evening giving the stage team just 30 minutes to get 50 patrons on stage. However, it's not just logistics that are a problem.

Theatre audiences in 2015 aren't quite as adept at being so close to the drama on stage as their Jacobean counterparts were. The stage team have to delicately educate their audience in the decorum of onstage seating (mobile phones are more prevalent than they were in the 1600s) while also getting them in their seats in time for the start of the performance. With everyone in place the final few candles are lit, the house lights are lowered and the audience slips into a trance-like state for the first hour of the play.

At the interval, the audience onstage are faced with the decision: Should I stay or should I go? Patrons must either vacate for the majority of the interval or stay put. Once the tough decisions have been made, husbands and wives separated, the curious abandoned by the thirsty, the branches are flown in to stage level.

Each of the 112 candles on stage must be extinguished, trimmed and relit within the 20 minute break to ensure hot wax doesn't drop on the actors or the audience. The stage team's biggest challenge at this point is keeping an intrigued audience at a safe distance as they edge closer and closer to the candles. It is all very hard work but great theatre isn't made because it's easy. Farinelli and the King is a labour of love for Rylance, as his wife Claire van Kampen is the playwright. To have the stage lit entirely by candles was something that was vital to both.

There are many different elements to Farinelli and the King which on their own would be more than enough to guarantee success. But combined together like a recipe found in ancient cookery book they create a glorious piece of theatre.

Farinelli and the King plays at the Duke of York's Theatre until December 5th. Visit www.farinellitheplay.com for more information.

[davidrobertscotland]

Pride

Today is London Pride. This afternoon thousands of gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual and a few fabulous straight people will march through the capital to celebrate and raise awareness of LGBT equality. It sounds ruddy marvellous doesn't it? But Pride often gets a bad rap. With marriage equality now the norm in England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland and with the USA also (finally) jumping on board yesterday I'm often asked -what's the point in Pride? I've been told by straight friends that if there is a Gay Pride there should also be a Straight Pride; a statement of such overwhelming arrogance that it's hard to know where to begin in response. If that wasn't bad enough there are the gays who 'aren't a fan' of Pride. And lowest of the low the ones who are worried about the 'disruption' it will cause them. All week at work I have had to bite my tongue when told by a colleague how unfair it is that her bus will be on diversion on Saturday when all I want to do is scream in her face, 'NO! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS UNFAIR? BEING PERSECUTED BECAUSE OF YOUR SEXUALITY.' With that in mind here are a few reasons why Pride is so important: To commemorate. There are so many people who have come before us who were braver than we will ever have to be. Without them we wouldn't be where we are today. Pride is for remembering them and saying, 'Thank you so much'. To show solidarity. Life is a bowl of cherries over here. There are still a huge number of countries where being gay is utterly terrifying. Pride is about saying, 'We've got your back and we're going to do everything we can to help you'. To let them know it gets better. Coming out isn't any easier. Young people who identify as LGBT are still some of the most vulnerable in our schools. Pride is about saying, 'Don't worry. It gets better'. To strengthen the community. The LGBT community can in fact be one of the most fractured communities around. Gays bickering with lesbians, bisexuals being labelled as 'greedy' and transgender rights and awareness so far behind everyone else that they probably feel like we all told them the wrong meeting place because we didn't want them to join the party. We are at our strongest when we stand together and on Pride day that's exactly what we do. That rainbow has a colour for every single one of us. And all you wonderful straight people who support us because you love us just the way we are - it's about thanking you to you too. Pride is about saying, 'The more the merrier'. To celebrate. We've got the best dance moves, the best fashion sense, the best taste in music and we throw the best parties. Pass me the gin and tonic in a can. Because we can. It's the only day of the year when you can spontaneously sing 'Proud' by Heather Small in people's faces and not look totally weird. So get out there and enjoy it! Love, David x

[davidrobertscotland]

15 Years Since Queer: Thoughts on Cucumber, Banana and Tofu

Cucumber, Banana and Tofu are the brain child of writer Russell T. Davies, a writer most famous for Queer as Folk and the reboot of Doctor Who. Consisting of two eight part dramas and one web mini-series, these three programmes saw their last episodes broadcast this past Thursday on Channel 4, E4 and 4od respectively. After a high profile marketing campaign, expectations were high, particularly as this was the largest profile British television programme to focus on the LGBTQ community since Davies' Queer as Folk which aired some 15 years earlier. Opinions on the shows have been divided with some lauding them and others condemning them as boring, farcical and unrepresentative. I loved them. Cucumber focused on Henry (Vincent Franklin) a middle aged gay man, whose insecurities about sex and his sexuality threatened to destroy him and everyone else around him. The series began in outlandish fashion but grew in emotion and intensity and by the time we reached the instalment which followed the life of the character Lance (played wonderfully by Cyril Nri) from birth to death, it was on fire. I loved the fact that the central character of Henry wasn't likeable, sympathetic or compassionate and that the more he spiralled out of control the more apparent it became that something bigger was going on. Some found the character Daniel (James Murray) unrealistic, but I've met this man before. He reaches out and lashes out in equal measure. His inclusion served as an important reminder that even in a relatively liberal and accepting society, coming to terms with your sexuality can be hugely challenging especially after a huge segment of your life has been lived under another label. At its most touching, Cucumber was the examination of a generation of gay men who have been left behind by the huge leaps forward the gay rights movement has made since their coming out. One of the most heart-breaking moments of the entire show and the one that hooked me in for the rest of the series came in episode one. Over dinner, and after an ill-considered proposal from Lance, Henry admits that he never contemplated the idea of gay marriage because in his mind it was never going to be an option. As little as 20 years ago the struggle facing gay men seemed such a huge mountain to climb. There was no end in sight. Now surrounded by a generation who take all the privileges they enjoy for granted, even a character as unlikeable as Henry could evoke sympathy. Cucumber was perhaps one episode too long. As pivotal to the story as Henry's closing thoughts were, there didn't seem to be quite enough of the story left to tell to justify another hour long episode. Although questions would have been left unanswered, the penultimate episode seemed more apt as a finale. The episode meandered along uneventfully with a lack of direction. It could be argued that this was reflective of the way life can feel after a bereavement, mediocre and purposeless, but it felt like fleshing out rather than the creation of an atmosphere for Henry's final revelatory monologue - one of many beauties gifted to him throughout the series. A trademark of Davies writing and one of my favourite elements of Cucumber were the fantastic speeches he gave his characters. So many of the actors were presented with glorious chunks of dialogue where they really got to show the depth and breadth of their skills. Ironically one of the most touching and affecting monologues came from Julie Hesmondhalgh's Cleo, one of the only straight characters in the programme. In a hotel room, Cleo talks of the ravages childbirth had on her body and the toll that took not just on her sex life but on her self esteem in general. Hesmondhalgh is a wonderful actress and the screen time she was given was more than deserved. Would however a straight writer have been so generous while writing a gay character? Would they have been able to type into the psyche of such an opposing character as accurately and empathetically as Davies did? Her monologue also served as a showcase for another key theme of Cucumber and subsequently Tofu: Challenging taboos. There was nothing too squeamish, embarrassing or downright dirty to be covered in Cucumber. From bisexuality to cock hairs, threesomes to broken vaginas, it was all there. Likewise Tofu was in essence, eight explicit conversations about sex. Since Queer as Folk, Davies has been a champion of the openness the gay community shares amongst itself about sex. Perhaps with Tofu he was trying to get us to open this out into the wider community in a way will reap rewards. All in all I thoroughly enjoyed Cucumber. Tofu was a lovely additional treat like a good DVD extra. But Banana was the real triumph for me. Davies oversaw the series and wrote 3 of the episodes himself, however there were also contributions from Sue Perkins, Charlie Covell, Matthew Barry and Lee Warburton. 8 short love stories, they focus on a younger and, at times, a more diverse representation of the LGBTQ community. What was so wonderful about Banana was that although each episode focussed on a lesbian, gay or transgender character, the problems they faced weren't explicitly issues related to their sexuality. The struggles they faced in their relationships were universal themes we all face whether gay, straight or other. Even the story of Helen, a transgender woman played significantly and beautifully by the trans actress Bethany Black and arguably the most vulnerable character in the show, was based around her having a dick of an ex boyfriend. I'm sure many people, trans or not, can relate to that. How empowering for young gay, lesbian or trans people to have a television programme where they are not a side character. How inspiring to see that we don't always have to be Rupert Everett, arriving to cheer everyone up with a badly sung Aretha Franklin song. How inspiring to know that we can be the main character. We can be Julia Roberts. But seriously, we can have our own story told. It doesn't have to be a sideline in someone else's. The deeper I got in writing this blog the more I realised what a grand project this has been for Davies. The breadth of themes and characters explored is tremendous. One of the harshest, loudest and most baffling criticisms I've heard of Cucumber and Banana is from the gay community itself. A large number of people said they were disappointed with the show because they didn't feel like it represented them and that there was nothing in it they could relate to their own life. I disagree. More than anything these stories represent a writer trying to compensate for 15 years of a lack of representation of the LGBTQ community. Davies is showing the wider world that there are young gay men and old gay men. There are promiscuous gays and there are monogamous gays. There are lesbians. There are transgender people. There is a whole generation who have a new perspective on sexuality. They are shunning labels and exploring all aspects of themselves. Likewise, there are people who are still absolutely petrified of admitting how they feel. And they aren't that different from you, me or anybody else. I think that's a pretty wonderful message. So hopefully Bethany Black's phone has been ringing of the hook with requests. Hopefully Channel 4 are already talking to Charlie Covell about what her next project is going to be. Hopefully the BBC are trying to persuade Sue Perkins to do a bit more writing in between episodes of Bake Off. Hopefully ITV will give the crime dramas a rest and give something else a go for a change. Hopefully it won't be another 15 years before we have another great big gay TV programme. And hopefully it will be as good as Cucumber, Banana and Tofu. Love, David x

[davidrobertscotland]

In Praise of Life

A few days ago I thought that I had had a pretty 'meh' day. Nothing particularly exciting, or funny, or brilliant, or marvellous had happened. Neither had anything sad, or dangerous, or disastrous. Life on Wednesday 5th February would be forever (not) remembered as completely unremarkable. But on reflection I can think of at least three utterly fantastic things that happened that day: 1. One of my best friends had a baby and I got to see a photo of mother and child looking absolutely gorgeous and totally in love. 2. I got to see a mate I don't get to see very often who was staying with me for two days while he attended some auditions. 3. I got an e-mail from my flat mate updating me on his life as he cruises around the Caribbean. Life had thrown me three wonderful moments and I had chosen to completely disregard them, blinded by my own banality. It seems that life often gets given a bad rap. I hate my life. Life is so unfair. Life is shit. Nah bruv. You don't hate your life but maybe you do hate yourself a bit. Life isn't being unfair but maybe there are people in your life who are treating you unfairly. Life isn't shit but maybe you have been. More and more I believe that life is what you make it. Life can be bloody brilliant if you give it the opportunity to be. It's all in the approach. The other morning I had an egg related 'disaster'. I removed two eggs from their cardboard cocoons and placed them on the side while I was heating up a frying pan. Sadly one of the eggs was a 'roller' and before I even noticed it had fallen over the edge, it was cracked on the kitchen floor (perhaps life was a bit shit for the egg too). So annoyed was I by the self-sacrificing egg that when I went to crack the second egg in to the pan I cracked too hard and split the yolk, leaving me with an indistinct pale yellow mass bubbling in the pan. I'd let my anger tarnish a perfectly good egg. Don't ruin a second egg because you are still upset about the first one; Or to put it in a way that may actually relate to your life, don't let the little things get you down. Don't be late. Be early. Late has a undeserved reputation for being cool but the only thing you are guaranteeing by being late is that you are missing out on something. Late people are often angry, sometimes come across as obnoxious and are also usually a touch sweatier than they would like to be. Early people give themselves this wonderful bonus time in which anything can happen (worm catching perhaps). Also how flattering is it for someone to know that you want to see them so much that you don't just turn up on time but actually a tiny bit before in the hope that you get to extend your slot with them just a few minutes more? Of course there are plenty of people who for whatever reason are struggling to see how wonderful life can be. Maybe they shrunk their favourite jumper in the wash, or their cat died or they lost their job. It's like you are with them and you have both walked to the top of a hill that has a huge brick wall running down one side. You get to the top of the hill and you turn back and you see the most amazing view of where you have come from and everything else around you. But when you try to talk to them about how wonderful the view is they are just staring at the brick wall. It's your job to show them how lucky they were to have a pet they loved so dearly or that losing that job is actually liberating and they finally have time to do that pottery class they always wanted to do or that now that jumper will make an excellent gift for a small child. I guess what I'm trying to say is there will be days when you can see the wonderful view of life and on those days it's important that you make sure everyone around you is looking in the right direction so they can see the view too. That way, if one day you get to the top of the hill and all you can see is the brick wall, someone will remember the day you showed them the view and they'll come and find you and turn you around. I know it's probably a bit idealistic. I mean at 6''6 I can generally see over the wall anyway. If you ever need a boost up, just let me know. Love, David x P.S I'm still giggling about the fact I've attempted to pull off 'Nah bruv.'