#jay.rtf

[lacefuneral]

i see a lot of ppl saying stuff like. "ugh i used to like x but the fandom has made me hate it"

literally every fandom has insufferable people in it. every single one. and every single show, movie, video game is going to fall out of vogue eventually when people suddenly decide that it is Cringe, regardless of what the fandom is like. because to feel unironic and earnest about something is considered Embarrassing for some reason in hindsight

i hate to tell you but if you discard the things you love because you're afraid of earnestness, you are going to be running your whole life. you're not going to look back on your past self with fondness, but with ire

anyway. i don't care how many insufferable people there are. i am going to enjoy what i enjoy.

get off of twitter. it's a prison

[lacefuneral]

every time i see one of those "there's too much positivity for feminine trans men. too much representation for trans men" i feel like i'm being gaslit

did anyone else live through the height of the truscum era? just me?

did anyone else have to lie to their therapists and show up to court in suits and wear a mask of Impenetrable Masculinity devoid of expression in order to survive. to go on hormones. to have surgery. to not get assaulted in bathrooms.

does anyone else have family members tell them they couldn't possibly be a man because of how feminine they are. or ask them if they're detransitioning every 5 minutes because they put nail polish on

being masculine is what is expected for men whether they are cis or trans. i get that your own internalized transphobia, in addition to unchecked misogyny (stemming from dysphoria) as well as femmephobia (which stems from toxic masculinity) is warping your world view where Big Femme is subjugating the mascs, but the issue here is not femmes.

the issue here is cis people infantilizing and emasculating you.

so instead of throwing us under the bus, next time consider not mentioning us at all. say what you actually mean. "i don't like how cis people depict us" or "i would like to see some more positivity for mascs"

[lacefuneral]

so, season 2 promos come out, yeah? everyone is excited about the pearls. oh my god, did stede give him those as an apology present? does ed get those for himself? what's the story there? and season 2 comes out, we don't actually see the story play out on screen.

and so my theory is that the pearls are like the wedding cake toppers. ed saw them during a raid and decided "this is a gift for myself. this is a way for me to express who i am, even though i feel very trapped right now in the blackbeard persona."

but i also think it's interesting to note that ed's pearls are freshwater (iirc). so something distinctly not of the ocean. and from the surface, people think "oh yeah, pearls. makes sense for a guy who wants to live on the sea to have those." until you look closer at them. and it's like, ed says that he wants to be an impossible bird and never land. but right around his neck is a sign that he does.

and also like. on a personal level, as a guy that got themself pearl necklace recently. like... it's a nice object. it makes you feel pretty and desirable. like, it's one of those wardrobe staples ppl have, like "the little black dress." people who dress femme tend to own at least one set of pearls, plastic or no. and like, allowing myself to have those was a big step.

also of note freshwater pearls (which is what i have, what i think ed has) are much cheaper than saltwater pearls. why? because they can be produced very quickly, and they usually come out misshapen. (there's actually a whole market for Weirdly Shaped pearls because of it.) and it's possible that it's more of a costuming budget thing than an deliberate choice. but i like to think that it is.

and even if it isn't, saltwater pearls are precious, pricy gemstones. ed could make a lot of money selling those if they are saltwater, but he chooses to keep them for himself.

either way, i see the pearls as a story of ed enacting agency. of saying "i want to feel pretty, i want to give myself something nice."

and honestly? that's awesome. i'm glad he didn't wait for another man to Bestow That Upon Him. because while ed absolutely deserves to be given nice things, he also deserves to be kind to himself. and what is season 2 but not about ed's journey in learning to be kind to himself, despite everything?

[lacefuneral]

Leelah Alcorn liked The Last Unicorn, lolita fashion, magical girls, pokèmon. scrolling through the archive of her blog, it's almost indistinguishable from my own when I was 16, 17.

Brianna Ghey listened to Cults (band), Salvia Palth, Mitski. listening to playlists other people have made on spotify archiving the music she liked before her accounts were deleted, I would assume it was my own "likes" if my eyes were closed

Every time I put a tulle petticoat under my skirts, I think of Blake Brockington. I think of the photos of him proudly posing in red, declaring "...I feel like, not only as a transman, but as a transman of color, my community isn’t generally happy about bois that are okay with their “femininity”, but I am finally realizing that I can’t really kill the person that I already am. I shouldn’t stop myself from feeling cute as fuck just because other people might not feel comfortable with it." I remember that I had seen this post at a time where it was desperately needed, at the height of the truscum movement. I remember feeling admiration for his authenticity and courage, and a sense of fraternity as a GNC trans man myself. I didn't realize that was the last time I'd read his words while he was still alive.

our dead build a home in my chest

[lacefuneral]

oh btw here is my take on Buldak Creamy Carbonara as a guy with a low spice tolerance. apparently they post about these noodles on tiktok or whatever but i found them on my own lol

Spicy Crab-onara:

In a mixing bowl, pour 3/4 cups of milk and the powder packet. Mix them together until powder clumps are gone.

Place a patty of butter a small sprinkle of shredded mozzarella into the bowl, but do not mix yet.

Using a knife and fork in a small bowl (or like? a food processor? idk) cut up imitation crab meat into smithereens. Then microwave them until hot.

Pour the imitation crab meat into your mixing bowl. The heat of the "crab" will melt the butter. Stir mixture thoroughly.

Cook your noodles as per instructions. Strain out all the water. Add them into the mixing bowl.

Mix the noodles and your crab mixture, although it's a bit like trying to staple water to a tree because of how thick the noodles are. Just do your best.

Take the buldak hot sauce packet and add to the mixture to-taste. Find whatever spice level works for you. The dairy proteins will already be working overtime to cancel out the capsaicin. I find that the more I eat these noodles, the more sauce I add.

Pour noodles-and-sauce into desired microwave-safe container (or keep in bowl, if microwave-safe already.) Sprinkle more cheese on top. Perhaps some black pepper. And microwave it just long enough to get the cheese to melt.

Yum!

Notes: As with any stove-top ramen dish, the water content may evaporate out, so you may need to add a little bit of water if you want more sauce. If you don't add a lot of the hot sauce packet it can taste bland. Perhaps some of this umami flavor can be returned with a chicken ramen packet (such as maruchan), but i've not tested this. I've not tested this with real crab meat due to price, but I imagine it would be tasty. This would probably also go hard with a seafood ramen topper, which I have not tested either. Nor have I tested adding additional spices (aside from a very tiny amount of Sichuan pepper) or vegetables. I do think there's a lot of potential to make this better. This was mostly just me doing trial-and-error over several attempts because I bought a 5 pack I didn't want to waste, and I ended up liking it enough to order more noodles. I have tried adding egg, and it sort of overpowered the dish, so I don't recommend that.

[lacefuneral]

men also experience stone sexuality. not every man wants to be touched. not every man wants to touch. sex between men is more than "penis in hole" - it is complex just like any other type of sex

people also forget about gay trans men. they forget about dysphoria. they forget about physical disability. they forget about sexual trauma and the asexual spectrum

the stone experience is not one confined by a gender or by a sexuality. to insist otherwise is bioessentialism. do you think "i don't want touched" or "i do want touched" is limited by genitalia, who you are, or who you love?

if it looks like a stone and it rolls down a hill like a stone and skips across a pond like a stone and it says it's a stone... maybe it's a stone. do you care about the precise composition? must you know what percentage is feldspar? quartz?

should i crack myself open like a geode just to prove the existence of crystals within? i do not object, that's the type of stone i am. but other geodes are never to be opened. not even touched. kept in velvet drawstring bags or wrapped in leather. insist they are plastic if you wish. but the salt on my tongue tells me they're of earth. that we're of earth

[lacefuneral]

[lacefuneral]

Stede Bonnet, Fatness, and Degendering: An Unscripted Video Audio Essay

What is covered:

(0:44 / -8:39) How fandoms treat fat characters

(2:44 / -6:40) How society views fat men

(4:16 / -5:07) How OFMD uses fatphobia as a form of in-universe degendering

(8:12 / -1:12) My take on the discourse surrounding how fanartists choose to depict Stede Bonnet (hint: I think people are overreacting)

(Timestamps: The first number indicates the actual, chronological time of the audio. The second number indicates what number is shown on screen in the video capture. I've included both numbers to make navigation easier.)